STD check

Gaia

New Member
Hi All, i am just wondering if any of the wives/partners on here have requested checks for STDs since discovering their partners addiction? My husband, who is almost 3 weeks into recovery has taken the news that i have spoken to the family doctor to request tests very badly and i am concerned that i may have pushed him into feeling like i distrust him.

I feel like i am on a roller coaster of mixed feelings and I need to know if my health is in danger because of his 'acting out' behaviours.  He is an addict, which means, unfortunately, that he had lied to me, its the nature of the beast. He has had to lie in order to manage his addiction. I have no way of knowing if he has told me the full truth about his sexual history and where the addiction has taken him in his worst moments.

Part of me thinks he may have only told me half of the truth, something sufficient to satisfy me during the moment of confrontation. Part of me believes he has in fact told me the full truth but i worry that this is wishful thinking on my behalf and i am terrified that i haven?t even imagined the places he may have been throughout his addiction but he may be fearful or ashamed to fully disclose all of his secrets to me. I have told him that i will stand by him throughout his recovery, and i will do that, i believe that he is strong enough to beat this, but i also need to safeguard myself along the way.
I told him this evening before he left to go to a SAA meeting that I believe IN him but it is still difficult to believe his words. He was hurt that i had disclosed to the doctor ... but i only said i wanted testing, i did not disclose his story, but his deep shame has surfaced and now i feel like a shitty wife for thinking about myself and that i have betrayed him - how ironic is that







 

bob

Respected Member
Gaia,

Do not, and I repeat, do not feel like the "shitty" wife. This is not a betrayal of your husband. Your health is the most important thing at this point.

Yes, he may be hurt by this announcement but he needs to realize that the healing process and the regaining of trust is a slow process. It sounds like he is in the early stages of this recovery. During this time it is his responsibility to do the things that build your trust. And, you are the one that determines the time frame, not him.

Oh, I should state that I am the husband and the one in recovery. I have been for longer than I care to admit. I can't expect pats on the back for my progress. I just need to end this thing.

Good luck to you.

Peace

 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
No you are not a bad wife.  He needs to understand that you have your recovery and process.  If getti g tested helps you breathe a sigh of relief, then you must do that.  You spoke to your doctor.  It is not as though you announced it on Facebook or with a group of people.  You are taking care of you!  That is a must if you are to make your relationship whole again.  This recovery is not only about him.  It is about you and you and him together. 
 

Emerald Blue

Well-Known Member
There?s absolutely nothing wrong with being tested for STIs. I know that facilities for testing will vary from country to country, but where I am STI testing is free and confidential. There are specialist sexual health clinics that you can go to without any referral from your own doctor. In fact, that?s where they?d advise you to go anyway. There?s no need to tell anyone you are being tested. Only if the tests turn out to be positive would you be advised to contact your sexual partners so that they can be treated and prevent them infecting other people. I understand that STI testing is not necessary free or confidential in other countries but if you want to be tested and the services are accessible and affordable then I say go ahead and do it for your peace of mind.

You aren?t a ?bad wife? for looking into STI testing for yourself. This is your body and all you are doing is looking after yourself. You?ve been honest with your husband about this, but if you want to be tested then go ahead. Just as we didn?t like having to face up to the reality of our husbands? porn addiction, they have to accept their partners? needs for safety and self care in order to heal. If this includes testing for STIs then so be it.

Gracie made an important distinction between the porn addict?s recovery process and the partner?s healing process. These are two very different and separate processes. Ultimately both partners are each responsible for their own recoveries. The recovery of the relationship depends on both partners and not just the addict quitting his acting out.

I was tested for STIs during a routine gyn exam. The tests were offered in line with the current health service policy and it was entirely voluntary.  I told my husband and he wasn?t particularly concerned. The tests were negative so perhaps he wasn?t taking it as me taking action against him or accusing him.
 

Nesssy

New Member
Gaia,
There is nothing wrong with being tested as Emerald Blue wrote before and your request is totally acceptable in this situation.
I don?t know how your relationship works in any other question. If you don?t mention him other medical tests before you talk to a doctor, I don?t know why he took it badly. But if you used to act different in other questions I can understand his feelings either. IMHO, he is an addict but he wants to treat him like an adult either. His need to talk to him before talking to a doctor is understandable for me. Maybe he so ashamed about himself, he rather do it on his own in an another labor and live out your family doctor.
I hope my opinion isn?t offending you because that wasn?t my point, not the slightest.
 

bob

Respected Member
Gala,

In the spring, I hit a low point and for the first time in my life, realized that I needed to be tested for STI's. I was at the lowest point I have ever been. It honestly was the point that I hit rock bottom and knew I had to change. Initially, I told my wife that I needed to do a hard 90, to abstain from all sexual contact while I rebooted. While she has been understanding in the past, this completed removal of sex from our life was frustrating. She was willing to do it if it was necessary but wasn't excited about the idea. However, after a few days, I realized that I needed to be honest with her and tell her that I was worried about an STI. Needless to say she was devastated. She understood that I had a problems with p but had no idea that it might have included other people.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done. It hurt so much to realize how much I had hurt her. She didn't deserve this in her life. To say I was humiliated was an understatement.

I understand that calling the clinic and actually going in to be tested was necessary but I was ashamed. I had to open up and talk about my illicit sexual history with these strangers. I stressed that it would never happen again but my words sounded lame. They were very understanding but I still felt like I was a terrible person.

I don't tell you this to obtain acceptance. Heaven knows I do not deserve it for what I put my love through. I say this to assure you that caring for yourself is the most important thing you can do. Do not burden yourself with your husbands recover. Emerald Blues by-line "His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it." rings true. He should not object or become frustrated with anything you need to do to feel safe or heal from this problem.

The fact that you stated that you "believe in him" should be all he needs. He may want more but you don't need to give anything more until you see the results of recovery. Believing what he says is another matter.

It is easy for the us who are trying to recover from this addiction to feel we have done such a noble thing to begin the recovery process. What we need to realize is the time we have been separated ourselves from our spouses. That can't heal immediately.

Not sure if this was any help at all. I just want you to know that you are wonderful and amazing person to commit to stand by your man. He should be proud of you and extremely lucky. Not all spouses feel they can be this supportive.

Peace
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
I am in full agreement with all of the others who have posted! I got an STD check when I found out even though my husband swore he never sought sex in person with anyone else. The reality is that I did not trust him! He had been lying for over a decade, how can you trust that?!? If I did trust him then I would really need to question my grip on reality, LOL! My husband was "hurt that I didn't trust him" too. He was offended and embarrassed that I went and got check out but honestly if someone were to lie and and hide the truth from them for an extended period of time, they would not trust that person. The argument that they are "hurt that you don't trust them", I felt, was a manipulation. He was grasping at whatever he could so I wouldn't have to tell my doctor about this. It was forcing him to realize and confront the magnitude of what he had done. He was uncomfortable with that and rather that dealing with it at the time it was easier for him to try to shift the blame.

I truly believe that you can love him, but trust is earned. Trust is:
actions and words lining up (integrity)+ time (an extended period of time)= trust built.

That is the formula for trust that I have experienced. Anytime my husband starts in on a rant of me not trusting I would ask him...have you been displaying integrity for an extended period of time? It took a decade to break this trust, it can take just as long to rebuild it.
 
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