Self Acceptance

Hi

This is day zero again. Last night and today I binged after managing to be PMO free for 4 weeks. I wish I'd held out yesterday. But it is what is is. I felt stressed, tired and self critical yesterday. I am often self critical and this is a major trigger for me. I have a feeling that my negative self image is porn induced. When I stop using it does get better and I start feeling more positive about myself. Then at the 4 week mark, I start feeling negative about myself again and porn becomes my means of temporary escape. I'm really fed up with the cycle. I've got a lot of good things going on in my life and porn will ruin my future if I don't stop.

Anyway, good to be on this forum and hope I can be helped as well as give help on here.

Thanks for sharing.  Self-acceptance is without the hardest issue to conquer.  I feel like a failure as a man and human being and porn is the only cure.

Four weeks is something to be proud of though.  I've never gone that long.  Hopefully, you've learned something through that experience that will enable you to not succumb the next time the urge hits.

Thanks for your reply t00futca. The feelings of failure are like a visious cycle of feeling like a failure then using to self medicate, followed by feeling even worse. I'm trying to separate the addiction from who I truly am. I have warped my brain with nearly 20 years of porn abuse. I know that the true me wants to quit. But I have a badly wired brain at the moment. We are not failures because despite all the setbacks we have had, we aren't giving up on ourselves. Keep strong buddy.

It's been just over 12 hours and I am already having thoughts of using. I feel totally unmotivated to do anything other than smoke cigarettes and watch movies. The thought of being around other people terrifies me. I feel that people can see into me and know what I've been doing this weekend. I know it's just a consequence of the PMO binge and it will pass. But today I feel like sh*t!

I have been trying to quit PMO since 2009. I must have failed 100s of times. 4 weeks is about my limit. I always have an excuse to use. There is never a valid reason to use. I don't drink and I don't use drugs because at one time I was addicted to those too. Porn is the final one I need to recover from and in many ways is proving more difficult because I can hide the consequences from people. The consequences are mainly mental/emotional whereas with drugs and alcohol everybody could see I was a mess.

Yes, part of the problem with this addiction is the ability to hide the consequences.  No one know about what we're going through if we're able to keep composed on the outside.  Unless you get arrested or lose your career or family, it can be hidden forever.  I've always wondered whether that needs to happen to me in order for me to finally change. 

For me, I know at work people are starting to question why I'm single, never had a relationship, why I do not talk about relationships like other people.  That alone is enough for me to start use.  Heck, anything can be used as an excuse.  It can be as much as simply seeing a woman out and about that I find attractive, feeling sorry for myself, telling myself I'll never find anyone, and porn beckons.  Heck, just writing this makes me want to use!

Don't worry about the number of failures.  I started my journal in January (New Year's Resolution -- yeah), and I only made it 19 days and that was due to illness, not any huge lifestyle change or motivation.  The important point is that you learn something through each setback and use it to break through the next barrier.

I've just been outside the house for the first time all day. It's made me realise that my mind is in a mess. I have no confidence in myself around people. I'm dreading work tomorow. I haven't used today, but feel like I'm living in hell. I spent New Years Eve on my own looking at porn. It is now 3/4 of the way through 2015 and I'm still struggling with this. To the outside world it seems like I have a few things going for me. It seems that way to me too at times. But PMO is my dirty dark secret. I can't hide from myself. Not sure what I'm trying to say. I need to use this space to write everything that's going on with me. My recovery from this insidious illness depends on it. I need to read this entry next time I am thinking about using. I need to put overcoming this addiction above everything else because if I don't I will have nothing and die a pathetic, lonely wa*kn*er. I have said this so many time though and that is what is really depressing me.

4 weeks is still good camus. You just have to get back on the bike and start again, at least you know that you are able to conquer this. Just get back to 28 days as soon as possible and  work twice as hard when you get there. You have done well.

Thanks Maxman. I know I'm being very self critical of myself at the moment. I need to focus on the solution and not on the problem. I read a really good post on this site that explained the need to have a vision in life. Part of the reaon I keep relapsing is because I am so focused on not PMO'ing. That isn't working for me. I'm merely counting the days until I relapse again.

I need to think about what I really want from the rest of my life as I give up PMO and have nothing to replace the dopamine rush it gives me. If I want a happy life I need to create that.

My head is still a mess but I appreciate it is a consequence of my relapse. I have been using porn in a self destructive fashion for so long that I mistakenly think that my negative outlook on life is just how I am. It isn't and my clean times prove that to me. My negativity is caused by my self inflicted dopamine spikes through excessive porn use. Just looking forward to feeling more sane soon!

These two posts are great - talks about a solution. I need to read if I ever think about using!

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=5734.0

DON'T FIGHT THE OLD, BUILD THE NEW.

Hey Camus,

You are absolutely right, you need to create the life you want.
I am mostly on the mends now, and I intend on keeping it that way, because I understood one thing early on, this is about replacement therapy.

One thing that is really helping me is the idea of masturbating without pornography. If you've rebooted, getting an erection is just fine without porn. You should test that right now - test to see if you can arouse yourself with only your hands. It can really help take the stress off of not watching porn. However, at three days, you're probably going to have troubles. Taking away the images helps keep your mind focused - and that will help you rewire your brain.

Ultimately, you need to figure out what you want to do with your life, and fall in love with it so much that you'd do anything to achieve it. I'm writing this right now, so I can finally get to sleep, so I can get to school tomorrow to finalize my year long project that I will be working on for my animation course. I.E. I'm willing to do anything to get to sleep right now and not stay home tomorrow. I've also put in 10 hours this week, working on my project, even though I haven't shown up for school at all.

Thanks for your words of encouragement Kurall. That's a good way of looking at it - replacement therapy!

I've been really thinking about the reasons I use porn and know 100% it has nothing to do with my libido and everything to do with trying to escape my feelings. The main feeling I am trying to escape is my sense of feeling like a failure. I have a self critical, negative voice inside me which tends to compare myself unfavourably with other people. The bottom line is that it is all egoic bullsh*t which makes me worry far too much about what other people think of me. This puts me under stress when I am around people. And at times the stress gets too much and I go straight for the porn. If I still used alcohol and drugs, it would be those. Meditation does help with this, and I am a lot better than I was. But I still have a problem being around people, because I find it stressful due to me doing all their thinking for them!

My mind is crazy at times and I often relapse when I lose hope that things will ever get better - normally around 4 weeks. The hardest thing for me to do is not giving up porn. Giving up porn is easy. I've done it 100s of times! The hardest thing for me to do is deal with my feelings in an adult way. Facing life as it is. I think I'm getting too old to be continually finding ways to escape from my feelings!

I know exactly what you are saying. Learning to recognize what makes me want to use porn is one thing. Having the knowledge, courage and discipline to peel back the onion and deal with those issues in a healthy way is an altogether different monster. I have a plan of action and 4 backups (if #1 doesn't work) and there are times when I ignore all of them. The worst part is that I know PMO will only relieve my pain for more that a fleeting moment but I go there anyway. I've had self esteem-image issues my whole life. A few months ago I started a gratitude journal and I think it helped a lot. It put the bad stuff in perspective and was a reminder of the big and little things that your make life beautiful.

I used the last two weekends. The extent of my use has certainly decreased. This morning I spent about an hour looking at porn and decided that I will do something constructive with my day instead. I feel I'm at a strange crossroads. Part of me wants to look, but when I do so I just can't get no satisfaction It is all so utterly boring. Same scenes, just different people. I stumble on an amazingly hot girl, then 5 mins later I'm bored with her. On to the next, then the next, never being able to pacify the raging porn fiend within. This self medication is an illusion. It promises then always lets you down.

Porn doesn't do it for me anymore. I just need to let my brain catch up with this fact.

I'm not going to beat myself up (or off) over my relapse this time. There is no point as doing so will only lead to a binge.

I have learned two valuable lessons this weekend. I'm not saying they apply to everybody on here but they certainly apply to me:

1. There is no 'safe' way of surfing for porn. Porn for me is like an alcoholic drink to an alcoholic. One is too much and 100 is not enough. If I look at porn, even if it is just for 5 mins, there is a 99% chance I will go the full course spending hours, if not an entire day, PMOing.

2. Relapse does not need to lead to an all out binge. Admittedly, it is difficult to get back on the wagon quickly after a relapse. My past behaviour has been to relapse then use that as an excuse to go on an all out binge. This weeked I was saved from that as I have written down some pretty thorough short term and long term life goals. If it hadn't been for these, I think I'd still be PMOing.

If anybody is struggling I would defintely read this post:

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

It really makes sense to me and has helped me to get back on the right path as quickly as possible after relapsing.

I am beginning to realise that the real me, whatever that is be it higher self, soul etc, actually doesn't want to use porn. When I meditate, I know that to be true. My brain wants to use though. It is a strange realisation and I'm not sure if it makes much sense to anyone, but it makes sense to me.

Weekends are danger times for me, so this weekend I have a plan. As I write this, it is 8am Saturday morning. 75% of me wants to go ahead with the plan. 25% of me wants to screw the plan and use. There is a fork along my path. There is only one way that is going to benefit my future. I guess success or failure in life boils down to these rather mundane, apparently insignificant, decisions.

I hope I make the right choices today.

I hope I make the right choices...

Well I did make the right choices and stuck to my plan until mid afternoon. Then I started feeling a bit low and tired and de-motivated so decided to fix that with porn. A big mistake which I keep making. It didn't fix anything.

However, it was the smallest relapse I've ever had, in terms of time viewing and time to get back on the recovery path.

When I started looking, I had it in my mind I was going to have an all out binge. But when I started looking, it didn't give me what I wanted it to give me -escape for a few hours. It was just really, really boring and pointless. This is the reality, despite what my brain thinks.

No matter how many times I fail, I will never give in to the addiction.

The reason I am where I am in my life is due to continually making poor decisions during the last 20 plus years. I always want pleasure now and sacrifice my future for temporary relief in the present. I have done it with alcohol and drugs and now I do it with porn.

I have been reading The Slight Edge by Jeff Olsen recently. I don't normally go in for self improvement books, but this one has really inspired me and shown me that the rest of my life doesn't have to be like how it has been for the 40 years I have been on this planet.

It's been a really tough week at work. I have severe brain fog after a massive binge last weekend. My brain literally doesn't work. I think I am more concerned with what porn is doing to my brain than PIED.

Although it is the weekend, a time when I tend to relapse, today I couldn't think of anything worse than looking at porn. I am trying to focus on my vision for my life, which I have been working on this week. My life feels pretty dark at the moment and I don't like the place porn has driven me to. I have ended up here because of my own actions and I have a tiny bit of faith that my own actions can also get me out of this hell hole.

Day 1 again! I managed 3 weeks this time. I just can't deal with my feelings in a healthy way!

Think I need to visit this site and interact here more often. I need to devote some daily recovery time if I am to conquer this.

Good morning camus. I've been reading your posts. What I'm going to tell you brother is from the heart, and with love. You need to get out of the house, and bet busy. Sitting at home with high speed Internet,  is loke giving  a recovering alcoholic a job at a bar. What's been helping  me a lot, is thinking  about how I feel after a pmo session. I hate that feeling. The pain and discomfort you will feel, will be temporary. Please brother, go join a gym, get a bicycle. We all want you to succeed.

Thanks Jaystock. You are so right. I've been thinking today how porn has affected my life. I currently hardly ever see my friends. I have spilt up with my girlfriend. My work life is in chaos because I can never concentrate. And I pretty much feel permanently depressed and tired. Please don't think I'm being self pitying. I am fully aware all the darkness that is currently in my life is down to me using porn. I have nobody to blame apart from myself.

So very true about needing to get out. All I'm doing at the moment is working and wa*nking! I have to laugh at myself else I might cry. Somewhere deep within I know I can conquer this.

Thanks again for your reply.