Author Topic: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free  (Read 4632 times)

believe

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #125 on: April 20, 2017, 10:04:11 AM »
DAY 67, Thur April 20th, 2017
(67 DAYS PMO)
(48 DAYS MO)
(9 DAYS EDG)
(5 DAYS DR)
(0 DAYS SMOCKING)


Thanks for the advice man, I'll try to follow it.

As for today, still feel like shit, like very big time. So tired, so flatlined, impossible to even think about an erection.
Can't believe how badly I harmed and damaged myself. Feel so depressed these days I just want to sleep.
I will rest today as well, postpone my workout to tomorrow. I still have 2 to go for this week, I'll try to make them anyways.

But overall condition is the worst, I feel very bad. 67 Days, ups and downs, I think I have never been so down since I started.

papa

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #126 on: April 21, 2017, 05:34:07 AM »
9 days EDG means what?  What is EDG?

believe

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #127 on: April 21, 2017, 05:36:21 AM »
DAY 68, Fri April 21st, 2017
(68 DAYS PMO)
(49 DAYS MO)
(10 DAYS EDG)
(6 DAYS DR)
(0 DAYS SMOCKING)


Still going through a very intense flatline phase combined (or due to) burnout feeling because of the too much intense workout.
I guess they might be going hand in hand.
I also feel pretty depressed these days, probably because of the frustration of living such a shitty phase of my life, which has been going on for so many years, and also because I'm feeling very tired and low energy.
This is definitely the worst period of my reboot, some of those days that in the past attempts made me relapse or give up because I was looking for stronger emotions in my brain.

I won't give up this time, I will just take these days easily, with patience, and I will wait for the storm to finish.

The fact that I'm hitting this big flat line around day 70 tells a lot about how much I still need to recover and reboot.

I know I will beat this, this time is the right one and I won't fail. I will complete my reboot and I will definitely come out of this journey completely healed, at all costs.

Peace





believe

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #128 on: April 24, 2017, 04:15:45 AM »
DAY 71, Sun April 24th, 2017
(71 DAYS PMO)
(52 DAYS MO)
(13 DAYS EDG)
(1 DAYS DR)
(0 DAYS SMOCKING)


Still going through the flatline, it definitely hit me hard this time. I hope it will be over soon.
In the meantime trying to be more social I ended up using drugs and smocking again.
It's so difficult to combine all these things together. I should change life and probably friends too to have anew beginning.
Happy to keep going down the path of avoiding PMO and MO for now, that is definitely the most important thing.

anhaedra

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #129 on: April 24, 2017, 01:29:00 PM »
Hey man, keep it up. I get it, you want to go out because no one likes loneliness. But going out leads to fun and short-term thinking and smoking and drugs. Same here.

There's a middle road, you know? You need to enjoy yourself, cutting out all forms of sex is making that a lot more difficult. But if you go out, and party a little, you also get something in return. Which can also contribute to your reboot and your overall happiness in the end.

Just keep working out every other day, if you do, you can take a lot more in terms of smoking and drugs and loneliness and just life in general. :)
Prying open my third eye.

a_better_tomorrow

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #130 on: April 24, 2017, 11:33:05 PM »
Believe,

It is noble for you to try to eliminate all your bad habits at once.  I think your focus on PMO and MO is the right choice until you have normalized that new behavior into your life.  Then you can go after the next bad habit.

Cheers!

believe

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #131 on: April 25, 2017, 05:34:24 AM »
DAY 72, Tue April 25th, 2017
(72 DAYS PMO)
(53 DAYS MO)
(14 DAYS EDG)


Thanks guys for your words and advice, I really appreciate you taking the time to stop by and write a short message.

That's right it's hard to change all at once; I will def try to focus on these for now, trying to be good in the meanwhile on the others.
These days have been a little blurry: I keep doing my things, but I realize I'm hiding from life, I'm trying to avoid everything because of my lack of libido, my lack of erections, my limp dick and everything that comes with it.
I feel it would be useful for me to be too much social and also I think I kind of want to avoid situations where I can find myself in awkward situations, like women flirting with me and me refusing it.
It's definitely killing me but I need to keep going through this, it will pass: patience, time, believing in the healing process, reboot, my brain rewiring, those are all my allies and I only have to trust them, anything else will just work against me.

I'm frustrated because in the meanwhile time is passing and I'm not basically playing the game, I feel like I'm a professional players in the most beautiful and competitive league, who has the gift to be a great talent but it's always injured, and can't play the game, and in the meanwhile fear and doubts take over him and definitely change his perspective.

I just want to start playing the game again and be the main character of my life.

One day at the time, I must improve and walk towards my reboot and the best version of myself.

The only problem, as all the last attempts, is that this journey is too long, and based on how screwed up I feel, 70 days is nothing for me, I'm pretty sure I need at least an entire year to start feeling better and be totally healed.

Anyways, one step at the time. I'm going through hell but I just need to keep going and come out of it.

Peace

believe

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #132 on: April 26, 2017, 04:53:24 AM »
DAY 73, Wed April 26th, 2017
(73 DAYS PMO)
(54 DAYS MO)
(15 DAYS EDG)


Last night I tested my erections. I have to say that it was pretty responsive and firm. I did it as a test, immediately stopped the edging and didn't O.
As far as for overall libido condition, it's still very low and non responding, so for example in the morning when I wake up the general condition I feel is limp dead dick, no sign of erections no signs of libido.

I have been freaking out a little lately, but this time I have also been trying to take it easy and not over think about it nor over analyze it.
Besides I have scheduled a new workout regime, definitely more balanced, splitting the intense sessions in 2 weeks instead of 1 only and adding easy sessions to get my body the time to rest.

I am starting to try out also a few supplements, which I found on http://truelibido.com/ - made by another member of Reboot Nation which I found in the Success Stories section and which I hope will give me some benefit/help:
- L-Argininine
- ZMA (I have integrated already in the past with Zinc)
- Pine Bark
- Tongkat-ali
- L-Tyrosine
- Vitamin D
- Maca

I will try to circle them over a period of time and see what types of results I can have.

In the meanwhile I keep going through my healthy diet routine, workout routine, sleep well routine, meditation routine - I am sure keep going with the healthy lifestyle will help me out in the long run. I think I'd just need a connection with a woman to speed up this process and make it real, instead of just putting myself on hold and wait for something to happen.

We'll see - for now the important thing for me is to keep going in one direction, even if slowly it's important to keep going.

Peace




anhaedra

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #133 on: April 26, 2017, 10:36:52 AM »
Nothing beats working out as far as boosting your libido goes. If you rest enough in between.

But let me know about those supplements. Zinc and L-arginine have worked for me in the past, but only at first try mostly, so I'm guessing it was a placebo effect.
Prying open my third eye.

believe

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #134 on: April 27, 2017, 03:26:03 AM »
DAY 74, Thur April 27th, 2017
(74 DAYS PMO)
(55 DAYS MO)
(16 DAYS EDG)


Sure man, I'll let you know how it goes. I have started for now with L-Arginine and I need to say that I'm starting feeling something already.

As for my reboot, I feel like completely asexual this period. I don't know how and why flatline is hitting me so hard these days, but I feel like removing all sexual triggers, avoiding to touch myself completely and not dating anyone is just flatlining my sexual impulse. I'm not going to test any other path this time, which is the mistake I have always done in the past, I will just keep going down this path trying to wait for the end of this journey.

I think I'll wait about another month to see how it goes, relaxing as much as possible, sleeping well as much as possible, being in the sun as much as possible, and get another month of reboot before I'll start again seeking for dating: hopefully the contact with a girl will help speed up this recovery process.

Peace

believe

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #135 on: April 28, 2017, 04:41:50 AM »
DAY 75, Fri April 28th, 2017
(75 DAYS PMO)
(0 DAYS MO) 55Days Max
(0 DAYS EDG)


Yesterday I worked out and then at night I was browsing Instagram, for the first time in a while looking at some hot pics gave me a bowner. I wanted to test my erection so I did masturbate a little, I guess all the pills I'm taking gave me a firm one but also took me to the point where I could handle anymore and I had an orgasm, even though I learned to have an O without coming, basically placing to finger below your testicles.

It was good and bad: somehow showed me some improvements, somehow made me reset my counters, but I'm definitely not living for the counters right now, just trying to understand how I can come out of this fucking hell.

I need some female touch, that's the only way for me to speed up this process and end this period. In the morning anyways I keep feeling so down, and my dick is totally limp and dead, even though I kind of have the feeling that I crave an erection or crave some sex, I feel my penis completely desensitized, and the worst part is that is DAY 75, so still very long journey in front of me.

I'll wait, patience is my ally together with time. I can't give up this time and there is no other way to recover and heal.

Peace

Georgos

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #136 on: April 28, 2017, 05:02:36 AM »
I admire you, they say the most perfect sex is when both partners come at the same time, learning to control orgasm and ejaculation is thus a highly ambitious task, but the benefits can lead to spiritual unity in sex.

anhaedra

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #137 on: April 28, 2017, 12:48:01 PM »
Congrats, you held out so long. :) Don't feel bad about it.

We all need a female touch, for fuck's sake. ;) That's why we're here, right?

Somehow I feel we're at the same stage. My flatline is getting deeper, I'm not having any spontaneous erections anymore, not even when looking at women. I really need to touch myself to make it work.

Do you have night or morning wood?
Prying open my third eye.

believe

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #138 on: April 28, 2017, 05:57:04 PM »
SOmetimes I feel some erections at night while I'm sleeping, but haven't had any woods in the morning in a while

believe

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #139 on: April 29, 2017, 03:42:13 AM »
DAY 76, Fri April 29th, 2017
(76 DAYS PMO)
(1 DAYS MO) 55Days Max
(0 DAYS EDG)


Woke up with a semi erection.
General mood is low and kind of depressed, just because I keep only listening to my friends dating all these tinder girls and having fun, while I have wasted so much time trying to reboot and rebooting again right now.

It should not be affecting me, but at the same time it's hard not to be.
Last night tried my erection, have to say that responded better than other times.

Now I'll try not to test anything for 7 days. So as patience is the only thing I need to leverage, I'll just test once a week, and see how my reboot goes.

I need to stop being negative again, relax have patience and focus only on my recovery.
Nothing else matter for now.

It seems like it was very easy to get to 70, from 70 to 76 it seems like it's been such a long period.

anhaedra

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #140 on: April 29, 2017, 03:14:45 PM »
Hang in there, you've come so far already. On this forum you're an example to all of us. :)

Why are you feeling depressed? Is it a side effect of rebooting? Maybe investigate this. Because rebooting should make you feel better, right? If it's a withdrawal symptom it should've hit you earlier.

Maybe you should start Tindering again. Why wouldn't you? Any kind of contact with women is beneficial. Don't be afraid the sex won't work, just take it slow, and just kissing and looking at her means you're rewiring your brain. I did the same with my last date, remember?

There could be downsides to rebooting, you know. Since we're shutting out all sexual stimulation, our libido basically just tunes out. I'm not entirely sure that's even necessary. My current situation is that I feel totally asexual, like I'm not having any sexual thoughts anymore. No spontaneous boners. But I have consistent morning wood, and once I touch myself, or get touched by a woman, my penis is very sensitive and responsive. But in my mind... it's gone... that wonderful feeling of pure lust. I miss it. I wonder if it's coming back. I want to get rid of porn, but I don't want to turn into a monk, you know?

It's like my body has become sensitized again, but my mind is numb. Before rebooting, it was the other way around -- horny as fuck, erectile dysfunction. You see what I mean? Funny...

Please share your thoughts.
« Last Edit: April 29, 2017, 04:32:04 PM by anhaedra »
Prying open my third eye.

believe

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #141 on: April 29, 2017, 06:12:58 PM »
I guess I'm feeling depressed because now it's been a while since I started this "monk" period. And after a while it gets though feeling "not normal" among other friends and people that you see enjoys life better.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a lucky guy and I'm grateful for what I have, but sometimes I get sick of feeling like I'm sitting on the bench and not playing the real game.

It will pass, and I'll hang in there. This is where in the past I would have probably failed, but not this time, this mine I'm committed and will come through this.

believe

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #142 on: May 02, 2017, 09:11:00 PM »
DAY 81, Wed May 3rd, 2017
(81 DAYS PMO)
(6 DAYS MO) 55Days Max


I realized how I strongly need my masculinity back and my libido. I really understand how important it is that fire in yourself when you are attracted by a woman, the smell, the details - all those emotions that were so strong when we were younger or "healthier" really kept us alive and produced strong emotions. I want that back, and I won't settle until Ill have that again.

I'm feeling great overall, I'm also feeling way more fit now and have a much better workout schedule, sun is helping running by the beach, so I'm grateful to feel good. I only look forward to find again the last piece of the puzzle.

That's a real goal for me in life right now, probably one of the greatest I have ever had, and can't really understand why I haven't committed to solve it once for all few years back. Fuck it - it's done - but this time I will not fucking settle for anything less than a victory.

anhaedra

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #143 on: May 03, 2017, 12:06:50 AM »
That's right, just keep digging through hell until you come out the other side feeling something!
Prying open my third eye.

believe

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #144 on: May 04, 2017, 05:50:57 AM »
DAY 82, Thur May 4th, 2017
(82 DAYS PMO)
(7 DAYS MO) 55Days Max


About a week away from my first goal, 90 days.
In the last 2 weeks flatline hit hard, harder than ever before.
I feel the struggle when at night I'm alone in my room and I don't feel anything, any of those strong feelings that somehow defines us as human beings.

I have been reading this book lately, and one chapter is about sex transmutation. It definitely talks about this topic, sex in the strongest of the positive feelings that when channelled in a proper manner, can have a huge impact on our lives.

There are so many good passages in that chapter, like:

"Sex desire is the most powerful of human desires, when driven by desire, people develop keenness of imagination, courage, willpower, persistence and creative ability unknown to them at other times"

"The men of greatest achievement are those with highly developed sex natures, men who learned the art of sex transmutation"
"the men  who have accumulated great fortunes and achieved outstanding recognition in literature, art, industry, architecture and the professions were motivated by the influence of a woman"

"The emotion of sex is an 'irresistible force', against which there can be no such opposition as an 'immovable body'. When driven by this emotion, men become gifted with a super power for action. Understand this truth and you will catch the significance of the statement that sex transmutation will lift one to the status of a genius"

"remove the sex glands, whether in man or beast, and you have removed the major source of action"

Everything comes down to the fact that sex is the strongest source of power for action: when handled in a proper manner and channeled into the right type of activities, it can be transformed into success and fuel our life.
When wasted, it turns ourselves into zombies.

Just like a feel right now: a zombie.
All I'm doing this period is based on willpower and my conviction that I can do this, I can heal and come out on the other side; in the 'natural' world all my actions and goal would be pursue mainly the sex drive, transmuted into action to create success.

I wish everyone in this forum who is struggling with my same problem, to have the courage, strength and willpower to go through this hell and win their battle: based on others' success stories there is light at the end of this tunnel, so keep it up, be strong and let's fucking do this. We'll learn patience, we'll learn the compounded effect of smart and good daily decisions that can have a big impact of our lives, let's choose to learn from this experience and come out on the other side like better persons, persons that have had the possibility to learn the world and its forces in a deeper way, and that once healed can really tackle big problems, because already have the experience to do so, having fixed probably the biggest one of their lives.

The common goal here is to re-gain our sex drive, the most important force that can change our lives and make us capable of reaching big goals and earn success on whatever we are focusing on.

Peace

anhaedra

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #145 on: May 04, 2017, 12:33:58 PM »
Good story.

I, too, fear that my flatline is simply the result of me blocking out all sexual stimulation (physical + mental). I want to have confirmed that it will go away if I sustain my monk mode. But nobody can guarantee that. That's what makes it so hard.

According to the success stories, we're on the right track. But if we're only reading success stories, we're fooling ourselves. What if someone, whose porn addiction wasn't even that bad, starts rebooting? Is he healing himself? Or fooling himself? I believe anyone will enter a flatline if they leave out any kind of sex. So that is no proof of anything.

I know I'm doing better, sexually. With my last date my penis was so much more sensitive and responsive. But I don't know how far I should take this... how long I should carry on. What's the big sign of... "Hey, my sexual brain has been reset?"

I should probably write this in my own journal... but so far, the net result for me is: body (penis) is re-sensitized, mind is just... asexual. De-sensitized. I sure as hell don't want things to stay this way. Without a dirty mind... a penis is just a tool. And sex is like taking a piss.
Prying open my third eye.

believe

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #146 on: May 08, 2017, 04:51:45 PM »
DAY 86, Mon May 8th, 2017
(86 DAYS PMO)
(11 DAYS MO) 55Days Max


I have been taking it slowly lately, still working out, trying to have a healthy life and keep going on the reboot path.
Getting frustrating but I'm trying not to overthink and keeping the focus on what is important for me right now.

I accidentally ran into a porn website and been browsing couple of movies, did not overdue but tested a little. It was a mistake, but my penis definitely responded. Felt terrible afterwards with a stronger sense of dead dick.
Libido still absent, looking forward to have it back with me.
I am surviving pretty well I have to say, I believe being for such a long time asexual can definitely make you crazy or kill you, I gotta say I have been very good at figuring out what is going on with me and try to be patience and work on me.
This time is the right one, I want it, I will work for it, I won't give up, I will get there at any cost.

Patience and consistency, those are the 2 main forces that can get us there. Nothing else.

believe

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #147 on: May 09, 2017, 04:04:38 AM »
DAY 87, Tue May 9th, 2017
(87 DAYS PMO)
(0 DAYS MO) 55Days Max


Struggling with frustration and boredom. Sick of feeling this way and basically not feeling anything, and hate myself for that.
Last night had an Orgasm on purpose, even though I didn't cum, just because I wanted to feel something.
Right or wrong I think I needed it - not coming for such a long time I'm afraid it's exposing me to some sort of problems with my prostate, which never gets cleaned and refreshed from the liquid - I don't know, I should research this topic.
Life this way is so fucking boring, basically anything makes sense.
I have been smocking pot at night to try to think about other stuff, it works temporarily, it totally ruins my day after as I feel even more like a zombie.

I will stick to the plan, patience and consistency are the only things to leverage here, nothing else remains, just my light depression that pot is not helping at all.

I will go back to a very strict healthy regimen, no fucking drugs and cigarettes for 10 days, let's start from here. BY then I will be around 100 days PMO free.

At this point I'm afraid it will take 2 years to feel normal again - 3 months seems like a fucking long journey but it might be nothing compared to what I really need to get back to normality. Screw that.

Fuck me

anhaedra

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #148 on: May 09, 2017, 09:48:00 AM »
What you and I both need is hard numbers. What length of abstinence is enough for your libido to start healing? There must be some kind of fair estimate. I will read up on this tonight probably, there's enough info around here in sticky topics and the like.

Because I seriously suspect there's a risk of us actually killing our libido by abstaining too long / too much.

Makes sense your sexual brain rewires when you leave out the porn and masturbation. But makes just as much sense your sexual brain shuts down if you never use it anymore.

Moderation often is key. Porn mode and monk mode are both at extreme ends of the spectrum and totally unnatural.
Prying open my third eye.

Georgos

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Re: My Rebooting Journey - I won't give up until I'm free
« Reply #149 on: May 09, 2017, 11:12:58 AM »
Anhaedra, I have written about this on my own journal, but I'll write here about it as well. The first time I managed to go five months without PMO I relapsed because I had such low libido and I started to think that was no good. "At least when I was PMOing I had high libido", I started to think, "so maybe I should go back to it to stimulate myself again". I did and it was terrible. All the bad feelings associated with PMO returned and I was just as addicted as before. Now bear in mind that, unlike you guys, I had still never had sex at that time, around the beginning of my thirties, so stopping PMO was a major bug bear for me as I felt like it was the reason I was still a virgin. However, once I had stopped even for five months, I began to see clearer and eventually did lose my virginity when I got to the age of 33. The point about libido I'd like to make is that PMO creates a false set of pathways for what sexual activity is. It is not just a chemical low you are experiencing but a readjustment of just what sexual relationships are. I am not doubting that you had fulfilling sexual relationships in the past, but now that you have learned to abstain from PMO you have the opportunity to explore more meaningful relationships with women, the problem is your PMO brain is still telling you that you should be fucking at every opportunity. It doesn't have to be monk mode, you need to find a woman you really want to be with as a life partner and the libido will return, to do that you need to assess and engage with what you really want from life. I really urge you not to give in to returning to PMO because then you will find yourself right back where you started as I did. The thing about PMO addiction is that it consumes your life, so that when you finally free yourself from it, you are left a little lost and disorientated, not knowing how to proceed further. Move on. Start to create meaning for yourself in other ways, that is a difficult challenge, philosophers have debated it for centuries, but it is the only real thing to do in life. Thank you.