System Reboot in Progress ?

I wish that I could have posted on here to share the news of completing a 40 day streak, but sadly it is a relapse that has made me realise just how long and difficult the journey will be.  I now understand the need to be even more vigilant, and not to "rest on one's laurels" (a phase we use it the UK meaning not getting complacent), the further into the journey I achieve.

Technically I wasn't watching porn (or rather I wasn't watching a hardcore video), but more importantly I didn't address the cravings I've been getting over the last week to find a porn substitute (p sub), and I let the "old" habit re-emerge.

My wife works shift.  She went to bed early, and my weakness was to stay up, pour a drink, and satisfy my craving ? but using a "soft" movie Netflix instead. 

Neitherless, it's not what I watched, it's about coming to terms with why I "dropped my guard".  I feel so damn angry and ashamed  :-[

During the previous 40 days, which was has been a reoccurring New Years resolution for many years now, I did have a "minor" relapse, succumbing to Mo'ing without the "P", after day 10.  Ironically, last weekend after day 30, me and my wife enjoyed the best sex we have had for a long time.

? So it's back on the wagon, and to re-set the clock again 

I'll fill in the history of how I got into this situation in the first place as my thoughts unravel.

Good luck on your journeys.

This post includes does include triggers which might be harmful for for some readers

I'm 47 days in my reboot.  Starting on a good note ... no porn this year, although I have had a couple of skirmishes with p-subs and MO'ing.  The headline is that I have been able to survive a weekend without PMO, housebound inside due the the bad weather, whilst my wife visits family and friends in her hometown.  This situation is a major trigger for me.

Over the weekend I have been able to gather my thoughts, and understand how I got myself into this situation I am.  I apologise for rambling on, but the process has been a massive help, and I've been inspired to do after reading some of the other stories.

If you're not aware, it's Valentine's day this weekend and my wife organised the trip to her hometown a couple of weekends ago to coincide with her weekend off from working ... which gives a good indication of the state of our marriage  :-[    When I reminded her of the occasion, and suggested that we could go away together, she cited that she didn't realise ... and that we don't normally do anything any way!

My wife has been going through a bad patch during the last couple of years.  My addiction got in the way of me giving her the support and love she needed, so I have to accept that she wanted to spend the weekend with her family and friends.

I'm 50 years old, and my porn addiction goes back to my early teens when I was shy, lacked self esteem, and socially awkward.  I read another post that I could relate to about having strong parents.  I wasn't allowed to start taking on responsibility for my own life at that age.  Many decisions that should have been mine, were taken for me.

I remember at that time that if the family was watching TV and there was any scenes of nudity or sex, the TV was promptly switch to another channel ... and so it was curiosity that led me to start buying the porn magazines.

It was ironic that whilst I lacked confidence to even talk to a girl at school, I was bold enough to go into the local newsagent and discreetly buy a "top shelf" magazine.  The shop owner knew I was underage, but as long as there wasn't anyone else in the shop, no one was none the wiser.

As soon as I had saved enough money after starting my first job, in the late 80's, I bought a TV and VCR to go in my bedroom, and was able to rent out the porn movies from the local rental shop.  I even used to dub the videos using the family VCR in the living room, and started to build up my own collection.

... and so my addiction was fuelled because watching porn was easier then going through the whole rigmarole of dating.

During my 20's, in the mid 90's, I frequently visited the red light districts over in Europe.  My first visit was with a group of lads I was working with, but I continued to discreetly visit on my own.

By the late 90's / early 2000's, internet porn came along and the whole landscape changed.  It took away all the challenges and expenses previously encountered.  I was living on my own at that time, and therefore wasn't accountable to anyone else for the hours I spent surfing the net, and watching the stuff.

When the internet was first introduce a dial-up connection over the telephone line could only accommodate pictures and texts.  People who tried to call me often noted that the "line was always engaged".  As broadband speeds increased on a seperate connection to the telephone, porn became more accessible still, and I look back now and realise how the extreme nature of the crap I was watching was shifting.

All this was going on behind closed doors.  Outwardly my job and my life were going well.  I was often asked "why hasn't a nice guy like you got yourself a girlfriend?" ... I couldn't possibly reply with my thoughts ... "who needs a girlfriend when you've got porn?"

I met my wife unintentionally at a BBQ party.  My manager's wife had organised him a surprise party, and I reluctantly went along although I knew there wouldn't be many people who I would recognise.  I got introduced to a lady who is now my wife, and in hindsight the relationship progressed too quickly.  The situation I found myself in was a novelty ... a new experience for me.  We did get married, but it didn't stop my addiction.  My continuing porn addiction set unrealistic expectations which I realise now impacted the early years of our marriage.  My triggers are when my wife is out of the house and I'm alone.

My wife did suspect, and has confronted me about my porn use, but there weren't any major bust-up.  Instead the issue has manifested itself in other ways.  The trust in the relationship was knocked down and we've just been slowly been drifting apart.

I sympathise with the posts about being in a sexless marriage.  Despite efforts to overcome my porn addiction ... it still continued, being driven as a substitute to not having intimacy in marriage. 

As mentioned above, my wife is going through her own mental health challenges (not as a result of our marriage), but the state of our marriage hasn't helped, and my addiction and and meant that I haven't been able to support her as much as I should have.  I've found myself entrapped in a vicious circle, that has spiraled out of control.

So why is this reboot going to be any different you ask? ... I am motivated by a feeling of being ashamed, guilt, and hopelessness.  I need to salvage my marriage.  I fear where my life could go if I don't reboot?

I'm 47 days into my reboot (which started on New Year's Eve).  No porn ... a couple of skirmishes with p-subs and MO'ing which I need to address, but I am feeling a lot better, and optimistic.

Thank you for reading, and for the guys who have posted their stories, which encouraged me to own up and share mine.

I've edited the post only to correct typos and grammar.  I haven't changed the content of the post.

Nice to see the good streak and direction you are headed.  Marriage is tough enough without adding stupid stuff to it, right? 

I hear you about the dangers of p-subs!  It is always the first little mental compromises that lead to the pit. 

Take care, and keep going! 

Thanks Jixu

Reflecting back on my journey to date ...

50 porn free days since the start of the New Year.
P-subs on 17th Jan & 31st Jan
MO'ed on 18th Jan & 12th Feb ... but no porn fantasies.

The relapses on the 17th / 18th Jan were when the urge were too strong.  A new sensation "down below" combined with complacency after only 3 weeks was my downfall.  During the last week I have been under a lot of pressure with work and again I gave in.

Something is happening though.  I'm starting to understand what the big fuss about "morning wood", but I'm also going through a period of flatlining.  I'm overwhelming feeling "blank" ... a lack of motivation ? and not much interest in what's going on around me.

I'm going to try meditating.

This week has been one hell of a roller-coaster.

The "blank" feeling I had is gone.  My brain doesn't feel empty ? it's actually starting to feel balanced and relaxed.  I'm definitely feeling less stressed.  Things that would have previously wound me up don't.  I'm having a better rapport with my work colleagues.

This maybe because I tried meditation?  I done some research, brought a book which included a CD and gave it a go.  I hadn't nothing to lose (well actually an addiction!), and everything to gain.

The other thing which I done, but haven't captured in my journal is to reduce / delete my social media accounts.  I've contribute to a few discussions on here about this, and can only reiterate that it has significantly helped me.

My Twitter account has been deleted.  I read so much political stuff that was contradictory to the extent that I didn't know what to believe, and ended up feeling frustrated and stress.

I never fully understood Instagram.  I ride a motorcycle and was following a couple of riders who were journeying around the world, but the problem with social media is that it stereotypes users, and starts "suggesting" other posts to follow.  Who #*%ing thinks that every guy who likes motorcycles wants to continuously keep seeing pictures of young models sprawled over a motorcycle which they obviously have no idea how to ride it!? ? and so Instagram went as well.

My Facebook "friends" are just that ? people who I would be comfortable inviting into my house.  Acquaintances, and others who I don't have much in contact have been removed from my profile.  I've got no time for meme posts, or anything that could prompt urges, or any emotion that aren't needed.  I've also left the "open / public" group for the same reason.  I feel confident that those who remain on my profile won't post anything that might impact my reboot.  In fact,  once I have another way of contacting those that are left ? either email, or mobile phone, I will probably full extract myself from social media all together.

Over the weekend, I had sex with my wife two mornings in a row.  I can't remember the last time that happened.

I've read a few posts about the effect it has on rebooting?  Although I wasn't aware of PIED before I started this journey, there's no doubt now that the addiction was causing performance anxiety.  The downside is that I felt the strong urges to PMO afterwards ... obviously I was experiencing a Dopamine "rush" and fear that progress might have been rewound, but thankfully everything has settled down with no relapses.

Although a "successful" week, I am by no means fully recovered.  I am wondering if this will ever be the case? ... or whether I will go through life having to be alert of, and respond to potential triggers?

Day 70 - No Porn, Day 27 - No MO

There has been a few difficult days during the week when I felt restless and couldn't relax, but I'm currently feeling a lot more optimistic than I have for a long long time.  I haven't had any urges this last week.

I've "deactivated" my Facebook account and have now withdrawn from social media completely   By the end of next week my Facebook account will be completely deleted    I did resist the temptation to "reactivate" my account, and conclude that the combination of the ongoing reboot, and also detoxing from social media accounted for the episode, but I've got no intention of reversing my decision  8)  ... I'm already feeling the benefits    I feel more resilient.

During the week I did read a 2 seperate posts on here which were really useful.  I can't remember who posted them, but when I find it the post, I will thank the authors because they both helped direct my mindset.

The 1st post reinforced that porn, and the triggers from social media, aren't the solution when life gets difficult and stressful ... or when I simply get bored!  All of these situations fuelled my porn addiction.  I have realised that previously before starting the reboot that I WOULD HAVE watched porn, but am amazed that I now CHOSE NOT TO, and that is massive milestone.  Getting up and keeping busy, even if to do chores around the house, or to meditate, are what are keeping me focussed.

The other post was about decoupling porn from sex.  I mentioned previously in my journal that my wife has been having a bad time.  She is going through the menopause, and her appetite for sex has plummeted.  Rather than be a supporting husband, instead I was a selfish brat, and my porn addiction heighted ... which was stupid thing to do

I've still go some way to go, so I'm "not out of the woods yet".

Reset Day - Friday 13th March

Caution - This entry does include triggers

In one fell swoop I've had to reset the clock for a 2nd time after watching p-subs.

There's no point in kidding myself that watching a YouTube video about yoga, that featured a woman in a skimpy leotard, and then thinking about it when MO'ing afterwards, was anything other than a p-sub!

Last night, it all cascaded from what was originally a "misunderstanding" with my wife about who was going to arrange new insurance for our car (which is due for renewal at the end if the month).  The "misunderstanding" then evolved into a "full scale" argument, and it was my response to the stress that led to the relapse.

In order to resolve the initial misunderstanding, I conceded that I would search for a better deal, but my wife was adamant that it had to be done last night at 10:30pm before I went to bed ? but despite trying to explain that it wasn't essential to renew the car insurance l last night, and that more importantly, that I wanted to avoid "screen time" (laptop, phone, or even the TV) immediately before going to bed ? I ended up conceding again.

It was no wonder that in the early hours in the morning I couldn't get to sleep.

I ended up going downstairs and switching on the TV.  Our smart TV has YouTube, and I was still feeling angry about the argument earlier, and therefore vulnerable.  Whilst I thought that Yoga might compliment meditation in helping to calm me down, it wasn't the right time to investigate ? and one thing led to another ? "the rest is history", so say.

This morning I did share with my wife my anxiety, and sent her a link to my journal so she could appreciate the struggle I am up against.

I don't know whether she has, or will read it? ? but I hope she becomes more understanding.  Even though I didn't watch porn per se, the intent was clearly to seek a Dopamine rush.

This episode may sound silly, but it is still connected to the underlying addiction.  Referring to the YBOP website, it's the equivalent of an alcoholic drinking weak beer.

The issues and obstacles I am facing are so clear, but overcoming them is something else.

The little bit of good news is since that episode, after everything settled down and I haven't thought about porn, or substitutes.

Day 86 - No Porn, Day 13 - No MO

I have participated in other topics on here since recently, but realised that I hadn't updated journal.

After the set back a fortnight ago, I have gained a better understanding of my triggers to MO'ing ? stress, anxiety and anger.

During the 1st week following my last journal entry, I spent a week away with my wife for a short break.  We had previously booked to stay in a self catering cottage for a week.  Rather than spend all of our annual leave allowance taking a long summer holiday, we decided this year to take a number of "mini" breaks evenly distributed across the year.  The booking was made back in January.

I was actually apprehensive about going after the set back the day before we were due to leave, but in hindsight it was the best thing we could have done.

The cottage was pretty remote.  There was no phone signal in the area, the Wi-Fi speed was slow, and our nearest neighbours were a flock of sheep in the field next door.  An ideal place to cut yourself off from the outside world.

It was an opportunity to spend time with my wife free from any external pressures.  We talked, went out walking, and sight seeing.  I was able to explain the challenges with the reboot, and my aspirations for the future.  Most importantly she listened, and she shared the same with me.

My wife goes to pilates classes so every morning I joined her do her exercises, and in the evening she joined me meditate in front of the open fire.  It was all rather romantic, as if we had "renewed" our wedding vows.

Yes, we did have sex several times during the week, and the performance anxiety I had, due to the expectation of needing to quickly ejaculate having watched so much porn, gradually subsidised.

The real test of recovery has come this week.  We returned home to the start of the lock down here in the UK due to Coronavirus.  My wife is a key worker, providing home care to the elderly in the community, whilst I am now working remotely at home.

As you can imagine this is a "high intensity trigger" situation ? there's plenty of stress, anxiety, and time on my own during the day.

I am facing up to the challenge.  Maintaing the "best" routine I can in the circumstances, meditating and exercising (we are allowed to go out once a day for a walk, run, or cycle). 

Watching porn hasn't even passed through my mind.  I only think about it when I visit the forum, and when reading the other posts on here, I'm crying out inside my brain at the screen to "stop the porn!"  The thing I am now becoming aware of is to erase from my long term memory the shit and cr@p that infiltrated my brain after years of watching porn.

On a closing note ? don't let porn distract us from beating this dreadful Coronavirus!

Thanks for reading.  Good Luck with your reboot.

How has it been going?  That is quite a switch, transitioning from a vacation to an immediate lockdown.  I had the same thing happen to me, but it wasn't that bad as my employment situation was pretty unchanged.  I actually really enjoy working at home!  Glad you and your wife got to spend some good quality time together, and I hope she can stay safe in her work with the elderly.  Take care and keep moving forward! 

I've been meaning to update my journal.  There have been a few developments since I returned home after the vacation, just as the lockdown started here in the UK.

I have been able to shut myself away safety and continuing working from home.  I've got deadlines to meet to make sure that I am not distracted by the turmoil the country is facing.

My wife on the other hand is in a different position, and is feeling anxious, especially by the shortage of PPE, and lack of testing for medical staff. 

Understandably, there is a lot of tension within the house, and this situation has previously been a trigger for me to PMO.

Everything was going good, and I was about to share on the forum that successfully passed the 1st 90 days of 2020 without surfing the Internet and seeking out hardcore porn ?

? I then unexpectedly received a message on my phone which caught me out.

Although, as noted previously in my journal, I had reduced my social media profile, and thought that the only people who were able to contact me were those that I thought were "low risk" ? but this proved not be the case.

Please be aware that the following does describe a situation that might be a trigger for some readers

- - - - -
The message included a short video, only a minute long, titled "Hand Washing Instructions".  The thumbnail picture of the video was blank, and inocently thinking it was a "genuine" video I played it ? I soon realised it actually a video of a naked couple seductively washing each other hands in a shower.  I won"t go into more detail, other than to confirm that it was a "joke" video intended to catch the viewer out, which is exactly what it done!
- - - - -
Straight away I went into a cold sweat and became extremely restless.  I felt sick.  I was not sure if I was more shocked by what I saw ? which represented everything I have been avoiding for the last 90 days? ? or shocked by the person who had sent it? ? who must have thought the video was amusing? ? but wasn't aware of the recovery I am going through.

I immediately deleted the video from my phone, and tried to concentrate back on my work, but the thought of what I saw lingered in my mind, and as hard as I tried, I couldn't resist MO'ing, albeit I wasn't watching any porn at the time.

I have to confess now, that previously in my life (20+ years ago) I had spent time with escorts,  and the short video triggered memories of that time.

I was damn annoyed with myself having surpassed the 90 day milestone.

I have now withdrawn entirely from social media.

I pondered whether I was being harsh on myself?  What I saw was a trigger ? but I didn't go out in search of it out of desperation on my part!  Instead I was tricked into watching it.  Had I know about the content of the video, I would have avoided it.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but I reached the realisation that simply counting away the days, shielding myself away from any artificial stimulates, doesn't constitute full recovery.  We live in world that is full of potential "triggers" and which will be hard to avoid in the future.  For example the advertising industry purposely sexualises adverts to attract our attention.

What I am now aiming to do is to change my state of mind, and to disassociating the emotions that I previously experienced when confronted with triggers, and replacing them with new ones, to avoid a repeat of the same situation.

I've been going "back to basics", revisiting the information on here, staying focused, and meditating.

Despite the setback, during the lockdown I have been enjoying quality time with my wife, and since the setback, I feel that I have now turned a corner.

I know what I've got to do ? and I feel determined to succeed!

I have 2 emotions on t his one.

1 -That sucks. Bad...90 days is a huge milestone.

2 - Guilt is an enemy. It will beat you down, even, look at if your streak would have been 3 yrs, and you fall, at that point, I am not sure I would be counting the days, but if it's only once every 3 yrs...there comes a point, where you're not counting anymore.

In a sense, you fell, so what. Pick up again. Start over. I'm going to give an illustration that has nothing to do with what we are trying to fight here.

Think of sports people, Olympians, business men, and inventors. They all build / train and fall. My favorite example is Edison. He apparently tried 1000 times at inventing the light bulb before he was successful. Not saying we should fight this 1000 times before we have success...He is apparently quoted as saying "I have not been unsuccessful 900 times, I have been successful at finding 900 ways that don't work"...

When you fall, quick analysis of what happened and went wrong...learn from it. I can't watch movies with seductive women, even dressed. Most attires women wear in movies is tight and doesn't leave much to the imagination, that's a trigger for me to search them up online. So, I cut it off before the movie starts. Unless I'm watching it with my wife.

The key to the video incident is that, like you stated, "I didn't go out in search of it."  The intentions are everything, and intent was lacking in this case.  Dust it off and move on-you are doing awesome!