Today is Day One

Hello everyone.  I am crying as I type this.  I am in my 50's and have been addicted to porn for a long time.  I have been living this lie for many, many years.  No one knows my dirty little secret.  I am very good at obfuscation.  My wife, my children, my grandchildren have no idea of the burden I carry with me 24/7.  I was surfing porn when this advertisement came up.  I clicked onto Reboot Nation and, well, here I am.  I don't know if I can do this.  I have thought many times that ending my life would stop the madness.  Then I saw a thing on Facebook that said suicide doesn't stop the pain, it just transfers it to someone else. 

I am going to give this my best effort.  I'm sure some of you think you know what I am going through.  You will give me words of encouragement.  You will try to help me in my darkest hours.  I appreciate it.  I am very down right now and my words are not making much sense. 

I am going to stop right now.  Too much going through my head.

Hi nobother -

That quote about suicide is powerful. It's worth taking to heart. I used to think that killing myself was the only way I could break my PMO addiction, but that was a lie. I am glad that you found this website.

There are many things that people around here have done to help break their addiction. A good place to start is a book called "Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame" by George Collins.

Welcome nobother.  Read as much as you can on this site about rebooting.  During a reboot not look at porn or even sexy photos of any type. Not for a second. If you do, you'll only trigger a response back to PMO (porn, masturbation, orgasm) which will leave you feeling worse and continuing the hopelessness.  There are a lot of people here who feel totally different about lifetime habits - after just a month or two of abstaining from porn (and MO or any fantasy masturbation for a little while).  Next learn to replace your porn time with living time.  Then build on it.  Post often but take this roboot on one day at a time.  I went 150 days without porn but slipped a day ago.  I came right back her and climbed back on the wagon.  The pleasure I get from distancing myself from my hidden life of porn is actually greater than the momentary pleasure I got from porn.  You can do it!

Hi, nobother.  You have absolutely come to the right place.  I don't think anyone here is going to tell you this is easy.  I have felt your pain.  I developed ED and relations with my (ex) wife came to a halt.  I lost her after she decided I wasn't interested anymore and she found someone else.  At the time I didn't attribute it to porn use.  I've learned a lot here.  You don't really say if you have those kind of issues or if you just want to get porn out of your life.  Regardless, this is where you should be.  There are a lot of guys on here that will encourage you, they won't judge you either.  We all slip.  It's a matter of getting back on the horse and continuing on.  Like I said, it's not easy, but if you want to get it out of your life, this is a good place to start.  Read all you can.  Absorb it.  Read it again.  Make a journal here and others will be there to encourage you.  I'm in my 50's as well and I've been doing this since I was about 21.  I've wasted a lot of my life to this problem and I'm using this chance to take a better path.  Welcome.

I left out some important information - mostly because I am ashamed at how bad I have been.  I am married to the most wonderful woman in the world, I have 5 children and many grandchildren.  But I have this dark side that no one knows about.  I have been using porn (PMO) for at least 10 years.  My marriage is suffering partly because I am moody, bitchy, and consumed with porn I don't give my wife my full attention.  And as far as sex goes - no cooperation from willy.  Nada.  No erection.  Nothing.  My wife thinks it's her fault.  She is absolutely not to blame for this.  It is me - my proclivity for porn.  It's going to take a while to "reboot" as you all state here.  I need this.  I want this.  I need to take back control of my life.

Hey nobother,
I'm glad you made it here. I am in my 50's as well, was married, and in denial that my porn use caused others pain. My wife caught me a few times, but couldn't stop using it. I blamed her for our dull sex life. I honestly didn't even want to engage, porn became the easier path. I mean why foster  sexual relationship with someone, when porn fulfills all of your fantasies? That is the big lie though, it does nothing to fill the void in your life. You are far better off here, finding your way back, finding ways to enjoy your wife. It may not be too late for you. There is a good friend on this site, that has helped many a new guy. He taught me to embrace the idea that 'porn is not an option". No matter what porn is not an option! No matter how bad you day is, no matter how much it sucks, no matter how much you want that release. Hoosier state is not kidding around about imagery, it is a major trigger. If I can do this, anyone can do this. I am not special at all. I added the counter to my profile, which you can do and others do. I like it, because its kind of a mile marker. You can do the same thing. Th best advice I can give you for today, is not to look at porn or MO today. Worry about tomorrow when tomorrow arrives, and then it will be a new day. Good Luck!!

Funny thing - I work with people who have a drug addiction - and yet I cannot help myself.  Many of my clients have stated that during their recovery they would experience dreams of relapse that were so real they would wake up in a sweat. 

I stumbled upon this site yesterday and made the personal commitment to reboot and stop PMO.  Yesterday.  Less than 24 hours ago.  Last night I had the most bizarre dreams - worse than ever.  It seems my brain is afraid of losing our "special" time together surfing porn.

No time like the present to make a change.  I have tried before - without success.  It seems I use porn for whenever I am sad, angry, happy, alone, bothered, bored........wow, it seems I would use porn all the time.  It has been a way of life for me.  It has taken control.  I need to take the control away from it and take back my life.

If anyone has had any success - small or large - with hypnosis and breaking a porn addiction I would appreciate hearing from you.

This is your refuge, buddy.  Come here and vent, seek support from the community.  Read other people's accounts.  When you want to get on your computer or device, walk away.  Not figuratively, literally.  At that very moment.  Go for a walk, go for a drive, go someplace public.  Do not sit still and let your brain stew on it. 

And try turning the parental controls onto yourself.  Use an impossibly long password. If you're anything like me, you'll completely forget what it was!

nobother,

Welcome to the nation my brother -

"Suicide doesn't stop the pain, it only transfers it to someone else." - This caught me, and I would like to share with you.

I am 45, married to an incredible woman and have two wonderful kids.  I am also suffering with PIED.  Over 315 days or so, and I am still having issues. 

I have destroyed my wife's life, blown her world apart - and she continues to try and support me.  When we are sharing time together, most times I don't respond.  This has made it difficult for real healing to begin and gain momentum.

I too find myself dwelling on suicide - to stop the pain, to stop the noise - just for some calm.  To run and hide yet again.  While I firmly believe I have gotten the upper hand on the addiction - the person I made a conscienous choice to become sickens me.  That I so easily lied to and betrayed my wife, wasted years while my kids grew up with me hiding in a dark corner, moody, grouchy - only now as I have been able to step away from that life I so easily see what I had become, and the devestation surrounding my marriage.  So caught up in myself and what I was doing, I was unable to see what I had become.  Living with myself now, I question why and how I could be such an ass.  How could I lie straight faced to my wife about my addiction, and then watch her cry as she was upset with herself for even questioning me?  How could I watch my best friend, my wife and my lover torture herself - when in the end she was spot on.  How could I deserve to live, deserve even one more breath - having done what I have done?

But I have discovered something else also.

I was able to kiss my wife goodnight last night and there were no dark secrets, there were no lies.  Yes, we are still struggling in the aftermath and that is going to take much more time to heal.  But I have been able to rediscover what it feels like to not have to hide anything, not having any reason to scurry from the light, today I have not dishonored myself.  I can look my wife and kids in the eye knowing that at least for these past months - I am not that monster.

It continues to be a struggle for my soul.  Some days suck, and some days I wouldn't trade for the world.  I go from the highs of simply having my wife fall asleep on my shoulder to pits of seeing the utter pain and disappointment in her face at times for what I have done, or when I can't respond when we try to share each other.  Some days the answer seems so easy, and others I can't see two feet in front of my own face.  I deal well with the noise at times, other times it is overwhelming - that said - I have not PMO'd since I began my reboot.  I have no intention of going back to any of that, not today, not tomorrow.  Settling the score with who I became isn't so easy.  Knowing that who I should be for my wife when she needs me, I am not that person - not yet. 

You are not alone my friend in this struggle.  You can be successful, you can do this!  There is a better world out there, even for us.  Find your strength nobother, find it and grab on to it.  Embrace it.  Read all you can about this struggle, be prepared to deal with triggers and urges - have a plan now, you cannot wait until you are face to face.  Fill your time with healthy and positive activities and emotions - find some time to meditate, it does help to sort through the bullshit, that has been very helpful for me.  We can harness the power of our minds for good, not evil.  We can triumph and beat this - we can be better men, husbands, and fathers - and grandfathers.

Walk with me - to that better place.

SMS - SavingMySoul

Thank you SMS for your reply.  It hit with great power.  I am totally ashamed of who I have become.  Quoting from the Lion King:  "You are more than you have become" said Mufassa to Simba.  Also, quoting from another great philosopher of our time - Yoda - who says "Do or do not - there is not try."

I know it can be done.  I know it will really suck in a week or so.  I don't look forward to dealing with the pains of urges to PMO (love that term).  I will be on this site often.  I will, indeed, walk with you to that better place.  Thanks.

Writing to a friend in this forum, I thought about the things that we ought believe:

1 - we are better that we think we are
2 - we have great power & we need believe in our own power
3 - we need to take the reens of our lives
4 - we can decide today what we want be & what we want for our lives tomorrow

Today is Day 3

So far so good.  Of course, I've been down this path before.  I've gone 2 to 3 weeks without PMO in the past.  I am NOT looking forward to next week.  Last two days I have been having some of the weirdest dreams.  My brain really wants me to come out and play.  Nope.  Not going to do it.  Now that I have found this site I can reboot with others and finally talk a little about it.

Thank you to all who have given words of encouragement.

And, Albert, thank you for your words.  Your first line: we are better than we think we are - reminds me of the Lion King:  "You are more than you have become."

Interesting end to Day 3:

They say that thoughts are the precursors to urges.  Today I found my thoughts drifting and all of a sudden I started having a really good erotic fantasy from my porn.  I suddenly snapped back with a "what the fuck" (I hope I didn't offend anyone with the "f" word).  I realized what I was doing and immediately started thinking of anything other than porn:  puppies, nuns, and football.  Whew!  It was close.  No PMO because nothing happened past a fleeting thought.

I have been on the internet all day with no real urges to surf into fantasy land.  I know it's coming.  I've been there before.  By the end of the next two weeks I will be pounding my head into walls trying to avoid acting on the urges.  It's important enough to me to do whatever it takes to stop this madness. 

In my neck of the woods they say "pray for rain but keep hoeing."  Well, guys, let's keep hoeing.

Well said challenged.

Hey nobother. Don't be so tough on yourself. Ending your life is not the answer. Stay strong, be active, and try to stay off your phone as much as possible. To be active try doing Marathons, Races, and excersises. It really relieves the stress and helps ALOT! Remember, you're not alone, there are other people going through the same thing you're going through, and we are all here to support each other. -Rec101

P.S Thanks for the advice! I will try to make my goals more reasonable, so I don't feel too overwhelmed. Stay strong and remember if it's not real, say no.

Start of Day 4:

Woke up with a wonderful woody:  maybe 80%.  Really wanted to play with it but did not.  Too soon in the reboot.

I heard a guy once say:  Some days your the dog and some days your the fire hydrant.  Well, today I am the hydrant.  Okay, I will survive this.  I get encouragement from reading everyone's posts.

Thank you all for words of encouragement.  I've never talked this open about my dark passenger before.  It has always been my little secret.  It still is a secret from anyone that knows me.  They think I am an allright kind of guy.  If they only knew the shame I've been hiding.......

But - on a positive note I am committed - for the first time ever - to rebooting and stopping PMO completely.  It scares the hell out of me but in the end I will be a better man.

There is light at the end of the tunnel - for all of us.

Stop dwelling on the shame, that goes nowhere.  Dwell instead on who you want to be on the other end of the tunnel and channel the energy into getting there.

I went about a week in quiet agony when I first attempted a reboot without telling anyone.  For me, it was a huge relief (and release) when I told my wife what was going on.  I don't know about your situation and don't mean to suggest anything that may make your situation worse, but for me it has helped.

The dopamine addiction is a bitch.  Most of my worst moments have not been resisting porn, but the emotional lows caused by dopamine withdrawal.  Posting here is huge, but having an understanding wife to talk to is huge, too.  The loving arms of a wife is the most encouraging and comforting thing I can imagine.

I'm proud of you man.....  regardless if there are bumps in your journey or not....  you choose to go on this journey.  I will prya for you.  And if I may share some wisdom from Jimmy Page and Robert Plant.....

"Yes there are 2 paths, you can't go back, but in the long run.....  There's still time to change the road you're on."

Cheers,

p.

Thank you ja_br, unchained, and poker -

Yes, withdrawal is a bitch.  My circumstances are such that I must bear this thing alone - at least for now.  However, I have not PMO'd yet.  I look for the light at the end of the tunnel and agree that there is time to change the path I am on. 

I am committed to beating this bitch.  I tried - without success - to have some quiet loving time with my wife.  Willy did not want to come out and play.  PIED still has me in his grips.  Okay, I put myself in this thing it's up to me to get myself out of it.

Happy thoughts to all of you swimming in this sea of anxiety.  I know we can do it.