Girl Porn

hellexfire

Member
Day One

Jesus, I hardly know where to start. The beginning is as good a place as any, I suppose.
I put this off for a long time thinking I was above it or something. Like I didn't really need to journal or reboot or like this was something I could control.

Clearly that isn't the case.

I was drawn to ideas of force since I was a child. I was molested at 8 so it probably followed that experience but I can still remember being maybe about 12 and only being able to MO to rape fantasies. I discovered porn around 13-14 years of age and it just blossomed into a soul-clenching monster from there. I'm a bi-sexual girl who prefers to be in relationships with men but I like to be with girls just for play yet I have been into *ALERT* gay force porn since I was a teen. I didn't realize the impact it had on my life, sexuality, and relationships.

I've been married and divorced twice and I just adore sex. It's something I love when I'm with a partner I adore. I love being close and connected to my partner and I rejuvenate my energy through physical connection. I detest feeling disconnected and have struggled to feel connected to the world around me for a long, long time. The funny thing is, I don't VO (Vaginal Orgasm) so my love for sensuality isn't about the O for me at all.

Some background- I was raised in a verbally and physically abusive home. I was a cutter by age 14. I was a drug addict at 21. I quit heroin in 2008 and moved to Germany from January to July of 2009. I came back to Ohio, went to Uni, and then my sister in law shot herself in the head on Halloween in 09'. It wrecked my world and I tumbled down, into the dark world she came from and died in. I managed to get my head back on straight and rocked the shit to the ground. I graduated in May 2014 with a 3.6 GPA, Heroin free for 6 years, been featured on newstories in my town and the Uni billboard. I volunteered in all the right, prestigious places for my degree, and moved to Australia to be with my SO and accept my full ride scholarship to a doctorate program. In almost every other way, my life is on fire and I light one under the asses of others to spur them into movement.

Dis' porn doe'.

The first time I ever O'd from oral sex was with my first husband. It was sad that I couldn't tell him how excited I was because I had faked it every time before so I couldn't share my new found body experience with him. Not that I would have anyway because after years of boys sticking their face between my legs and nothing happening, my mind drifted and what pushed me to the O edge was thinking about being molested.  It's kind of been like that ever since. I can't O to anything normal, loving, or ... connected. It's like the only stuff that gets me off is anti-loving and forceful.

I want to know what it feels like to have my SO go down town and just O from being in that moment and experiencing the gift he's giving me. I want to know if it's even possible to O without fantasizing about effed up shit.

I have to set this shit down because it's ruining my sensual, sexual, and relational health. It's poison. When I use, I feel far away from everyone. I feel laden with guilt, I feel sluggish and torn down and blue. I've tried setting the porn gods aside on my own and every time I feel awful, I end up right back at it. Like a dog to it's vomit...

It doesn't help that we seem to be jam-packed into a world where men's sexuality seems to take the corrupted cake so I know there isn't a single girl friend in my life that would really understand what I'm doing here and that like, I'm an addict. I'm a 29 year old doctoral student who's addicted to fucked up fantasies, force, and porn. No matter how long I leave the porn alone (it's been years before), I'm keeping those memories alive by replaying them every time I MO. Which can be like once a week sometimes or like 10 times a day at other times.

I have to believe that healthy sexuality is out there for me and that I can combine my lush adoration for human physical connection through sex with the ability to experience fully that connection for what it is. Living with the filth in my mind for the rest of my life would be a death sentence.

Today is the first day of my life. I trust my struggle.

We'll see where it goes. xXx
 

hellexfire

Member
Day 2

I've had several urges to use but knowing this counter is on here has been the difference between giving into my brain and just switching pathways and doing something else with my time. Time, that's it, isn't it? Calculating it, be efficient with it, valuing it. Sometimes I think before time was invented that cave men may have just spent their days hunting, eating, and climaxing; trivial.

The weekend was rough but not as rough as being without my SO. He is like an unintentional, built-in parental control on my behaviors.

It's so hard but after watching him attempt to reboot three times and being on day 31 now, I know that I have to overcome this, no matter how bad it hurts. It really doesn't help that I quit smoking on the same day I began my reboot so my brain is jam-packed with unmet 'needs' darting all over the place. I'm taking solace in meditation, yoga, and movement. I'm attempting to celebrate my body by valuing it instead of cheapening my worth by objectifying others. I've been into well-being body movement for about 2 years but I, like so many others, compartmentalized my P/M habits into a tight, concealed box that seemed to touch nothing else in my life.

It took me a while to decide which forum to post in. I feel like labeling myself to the Women's forum doesn't do exact justice, as I have extraordinarily high testosterone levels and my sexual drive (and often, tastes) are on par with that of most men. This forum has cultural and communicational differences that can seem limiting to me.

Being a female in this exasperates me. I don't fit in with the other girls but I don't want to draw attention to being a girl but implanting myself into the boys but fuck- it's not like that's anything new in my life.

I think my struggle might not boil down to hard tectonics and sex.
I'm so frustrated. Accepting my frustration is a control I have while recognizing that no, I'm not in control and this monster is eating my life.

Using is NOT an option. x
 

ntg2978

Active Member
Hi hellexfire,

First, I want to just say welcome to the forum.  I was molested as a kid, so I can sympathize with feelings related to sexual matters and how they are different than just turning to porn or just having a problem with masturbating or orgasming.  I know what has really helped me quite a bit in this journey is to realize that an addict uses just about anything in order to cover up painful emotions, memories, realizations, all that.

For me, having to sit with the pain of being molested, of not having good parents, of wasting a lot of my life by ignoring my issues - all this has made me just weep so bitterly it's crazy.  But on the other end of those times, I feel stronger and more empowered.  I'm not a guy who normally cries; and I thought it was a good thing, but the more that I'm allowing myself to just sit with these emotions and have to just let them be and feel them and deal with them as they come - the more I'm realizing that by shutting them off, I shut off the good ones too - I was not able to feel love, to feel enthusiasm, to feel genuinely happy....until now.  I have days, nay, times when I feel sad, lonely, depressed, hopeless...and I also have times when I feel happy, optimistic, full of courage...my emotions run the entire scale these days, but they are getting more and more stable the more that I face.

Know you're not alone.  I'm obviously not a girl, but I can tell you that I've dealt with my sexual identity for quite some time.  Not in the sense of wondering if I'm gay or something, but rather in the sense of wondering who I am as a man, and how that relates to women.  I sense you're saying similar things, feeling like you don't know where you fit, and want you to know you're not alone.

Try to take your focus off of how much time you've successfully completed in your reboot, and instead put it on what improvements you want to make in your life.  if you focus on just giving up porn, it will leave a void that demands to be filled, and enters the next addiction, right on cue.  Instead, if you focus on improving your life, porn becomes a thing you put on the back burner, and eventually is forgotten, and there is no void to be filled, because it's already been replaced.

Stay strong sister, you can do this!
 

hellexfire

Member
Day 4

Today I feel like smashing my head through a brick wall about 16 times in a row. It really amazes me how the addictive cycle interferes with my motivation. I need to get my ass moving, stretching, Kinecting (Zumba Rush and Kinect Sports, yeah baby), swimming (my love), and active. But it's like avoiding cravings to use, both via P/M and cigarettes, is sucking the energy from me. I feel like a limp dick on a scorching hot day with no water, food, or shelter from the sun. I used to use P/M to energize myself. If I felt low or upset with anything, I would just take some 'me' time and wha-bam! It sparked energy in me just exactly like a drug. I used to think I needed my 'me' time in order to balance myself and refill my soul after the vampires in my life siphoned off my seemingly never-ending supply of strength. In reality, I'd be able to do more and be more (ambitious little wench) if I wasn't using, just like I'd be able to hit my fitness targets a lot sooner if I wasn't a smoker, if I quit P/M but that damn discipline thing. Now, my brain and body are slugs dragging themselves across hot pavement and leaving trails of whimpering guts behind.

I had to force myself to get up and do the light stretching and tonal work that I did. I couldn't get to the planks (used to be one of my faves) or my jumping jacks because I became so fatigued. I sat down and started what I call dry crying- where you aren't sobbing but the tears roll down anyway. It feels like my partner in crime downtown is just screaming to be touched. Like there's this sharp itching buzz every 15-30 minutes just humming to me for the slightest of grazes.

I've figured a piece of the puzzle out though. I never realized how often I would groom myself for M before I even set my mind to doing it. That sharp itching buzz would hit me and I'd just reach my hand down my pants, not even realize I was setting the scene and teasing for later. By the time I'm giving into my urges, I reckon I've already pet myself 5-10 times.

Keeping my hand out of my pants is a bitch. I'm laying in bed last night alone for a few minutes and the P Fantasies just pop right there into my head and I'm so, so lured into a half a second more until I realize that I'm only making it worse on myself. I'm making it more painful than it has to be. So I shake it off, pop out of bed, and find anything to take my mind off the images. Jesus Christ how long does it go on for?

My stressors are a key reason I use: self-soother. And am I stressed the hell out, yeah buddY. I've managed to find myself in Australia from Ohio and my domestic situation is unstable. It's up, it's down- but what else was going to happen when two addicts from opposite corners of the world fall in love? That's the twist- I didn't realize he was the lying addict that he actually was and as much as the shit hit the fan- I would have never realized how effed up my own addiction(s) were until fate marched me into this fascinating circus. I have no idea if I'll end up back in the States or if I'll stick with my PhD here but uncertainty doesn't smack me around the way it does him. It's his uncertainty that smacks me around and something there is fishy; something in me isn't adding up in that equation.

Today I've done what I can do to keep my head above water and right now that's my focus. Just stay afloat. I know how to swim and swim well but right now I'm out of energy. Thank god I know how to float. This is where many people sink but I know I won't. I'm going to float today out and tomorrow too if I have to and reserve my energy for when the squalls come for me.

Because, just like with heroin, I trust my struggle. x

@ntg- Dude, your post was the pick-me-up I needed to motivate my ass into the little physical activity I managed today. You brought up a point that hit me squared up- bitter tears. I didn't realize how bitter I am until I read those words. I've battled my way through every step of my life and no one has ever, ever looked out for me for any significant period of time. I've been in therapy for 12 years and never hit that issue up. I'm going to take your advice and keep my mind off of my day count (which is totally opposite of what I did with H. I counted every day and still do) because I think you know something there. I believe in what you're talking about and it's the mantra of my life: endless, endless, endless self-improvement. That's where I need to direct my attention. Thank you for your post, loneliness is my kryptonite. x

 

ntg2978

Active Member
hellexfire said:
Day 5

I've figured a piece of the puzzle out though. I never realized how often I would groom myself for M before I even set my mind to doing it.

This would be one of your triggers.  It's really good to set some guidelines for yourself, such as when you feel this urge, I'm going to go to the gym or I'm going to go hang out with friends or something.  This is great work, because you're one step closer to conquering this thing!  Don't get depressed or sad that you've got to deal with it, instead be thankful that you are one step closer to figuring out your addiction cycle.

A very good book is Breaking the Cycle by George Collins (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005JT6ZYW/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B005JT6ZYW&linkCode=as2&tag=myjou0af-20&linkId=L3BF75TD54GNN7UD)

Doing good, you're getting some momentum!  Keep at it.
 

hellexfire

Member
Day 6

Mother of fucking mercy.
The frustration is limitless. I'm a ball of incensed fire. For 1000 reasons, not all of them because I want to use. My cigarette cravings compliment my cravings for P or M so I'm getting a double whammy about every 20 minutes of my day. I realize how much I stripped myself of by using all these years. I'm angry at my parents. I'm angry with myself. I'm bitter with my SO- how the FUCK did I end up in Australia? I want to go... where the hell is home? I've never had one or I've had 100- either statement works.

Home situation doesn't help anything- it's actually making it worse. I'm seriously questioning why I am in this relationship. We are both addicts, this is no good. I need strength and I'm looking where there is none. Someone to stand up to my bold defiance and all I can think is that as much as I'm terrified of being alone, I need to be alone. I want to leave and have myself and no one else.

I'm sleeping for shit and when I sleep for shit, I'm not like regular people. I'm a monster, tiger, salad fingers kind of rawr-ing ape-like demon possessed by warring zombies. I do not function if I don't have at least 8 hours of sleep but to function well I need 9-10.  Not even remotely close to that for a week now.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to hit something. I'm angry at my entire situation, myself, and the life of mistakes I've made and then run to P/M to self soothe.  I want to use so badly right now and all I can do is accept my own suffering.

@ntg- I'm trying man and I'm pulling through, minute by minute. When I am composed enough to handle myself, I'll try to take more of your advice. For now, I've ordered the book and am impatiently awaiting my brain to understand that I'm not going to use. Then, maybe my brain will stop messing with me and let me calm the hell down. Thanks bro- your post hits home- wherever that is.
 

ntg2978

Active Member
I know these painful feelings SUCK, but you have to remember that the reason you want to use so bad is, as you stated, to self-soothe.  You are getting some dynamite realizations, sister!  Keep going, don't give up.  Your mind is telling you you can't do it, tell it to shut the fuck up and do what you know you can do.  I went through this process myself too, we have to conquer our own selves before we can get well.  This means something different for everyone, for me, it meant pushing myself well past what I thought I could do, and finding out that I could do it afterall.  For you, it might mean being alone.  You're afraid of being alone, and I think it's good to fight your fears, but just do so at a pace that you can handle...you'll know when you're taking on too much and when you're prob able to handle more.  Push yourself to the point where you don't think you can handle any more, then do just a tad bit more, just 1% more than what you're thinking you're capable of.  You'll do it, and feel FANTASTIC.  Keep strong sister, I'm pulling for you.  I'm here if you need anything.
 
B

brodowskin

Guest
hellexfire:

Your story is very moving. I've never read the story of a woman that's dealt with porn addiction. You've gone through some serious shit and there's much to be said about a person like you that can talk about all of that while trying to seek help here on this forum. I hope you can recover the way that you want to.

brodowskin
 

hellexfire

Member
Day 7

I think the day counter counts day one as day zero and I think because I'm in Australia my day counter is off additional time. Who cares, I'm barely noticing.

Yesterday was amazingly light. The air seemed to bring with it a lift from the heavy bullshit of the previous week. Battling addictions wasn't as hard or emotionally taxing. Like a sun beam suddenly broke through the clouds and shined on my face long enough to let me bask in some hope. I'm almost done reading Your Brain on Porn (book) and that's helping me to organize my thoughts. I'm disturbed that women are barely scraped in all of this- it's incredibly isolating. I already know I will have to bring tIhis information to women because while there may not be as many women as men who deal with this issue, wherever those women are they shamed and hiding and it upsets me so.

I had brought together a couple of things to bring to my SO's attention- mainly that he isn't supporting me the way that I need. I need strength and he's just like, the opposite of that. I understand he's battling his own shit but I've consistently done what he's needed me to and not what he's wanted me to do because I love him and knew he needed stability. Now that I'm facing my own demons, that street apparently isn't two way. He lets me do WHATEVER I want with no boundaries, rules, or consequences and that's exactly what someone like me doesn't need- no leash. Fuck.

I explained calmly that if he doesn't meet my needs then I have to leave him. Every way that he reacts shows me he can't/won't meet my needs. I don't want to make a rash decision here but I'm going insane and need someone to be firm and steady with me. I need to feel like he's my rock in times of madness right now but he's like a dead jellyfish floating where the tide pulls. He's not rooted or strong and the longer I look at him, the longer I'm not using, I feel that the only future with him is shaky at best and uncertain, rocky, and unreliable at worst. I want to go home. I don't know where home is. He used to be my home. Now I'm realizing I built a shack on sand and thought it was legit. Now the storms are upon me and he's cracking like the straw this shit is botched together from.

The more lonely I am, the more I want to use. I want to separate myself from him because he isn't meeting my needs. I know that if I leave him that I'm going to relapse like uh, real quick there buddy. I want to put the distance between us that I feel is really there because of his inability to connect to me but when trying to sleep on the couch at night, I know I know I know if I stay there I'm going to M. He's a built in baby sitter and even though I hate sleeping next to him, I do it anyway. 

I can't wait until the weekend is over and I can get to campus and he goes to work. This bullshit is sucking the life out of me. We will see what happens ... afterall, tomorrow is another day! (insert cheesy determined face here) x

@ntg- thanks brother. I promise I won't give up. I really do hate being alone- but like I also grew up in a large family where you could always hear someone, somewhere making noise. I'm used to background noise and constant interruption. I def need to pace myself though, you are spot on about that. Digestible pieces, right? This shit cake gotta get eaten and I need to just take it one step at a time.x

@Nolan- I appreciate your words brodowskin. Your story moves me, inspires me, and helps to fuel me forward. There are a few stories by women on here that are pretty interesting, though I think in time mine may be the only one which shows a reboot from day one through day...x




 

CrateDane

Active Member
Powerful story hellexfire.
I dont have any comments other than to wish you the mental and physical fortitude to beat this thing.
 

ntg2978

Active Member
hellexfire said:
Day 7


Yesterday was amazingly light. The air seemed to bring with it a lift from the heavy bullshit of the previous week. Battling addictions wasn't as hard or emotionally taxing. Like a sun beam suddenly broke through the clouds and shined on my face long enough to let me bask in some hope. I'm almost done reading Your Brain on Porn (book) and that's helping me to organize my thoughts. I'm disturbed that women are barely scraped in all of this- it's incredibly isolating. I already know I will have to bring tIhis information to women because while there may not be as many women as men who deal with this issue, wherever those women are they shamed and hiding and it upsets me so.

I think this is fantastic!  If you can find some way you can turn what happened to you and what you're dealing with into a positive, it's like giving life the middle finger, something I enjoy doing immensely.  I would say that if you have a feeling of wanting to share and help other women, go with it.  Of course, use wisdom, but this would be a way to escape and crawl out of the hole you're feeling like you're in.  If you concentrate on yourself and your own problems, they seem to magnify themselves; but if you concentrate on others and their problems, your own problems tend to take a back seat, and it is easier to navigate them...plus you will make some really quality friends that are also trying to recover from things too.  I see this as being really healthy.

hellexfire said:
I had brought together a couple of things to bring to my SO's attention- mainly that he isn't supporting me the way that I need. I need strength and he's just like, the opposite of that. I understand he's battling his own shit but I've consistently done what he's needed me to and not what he's wanted me to do because I love him and knew he needed stability. Now that I'm facing my own demons, that street apparently isn't two way. He lets me do WHATEVER I want with no boundaries, rules, or consequences and that's exactly what someone like me doesn't need- no leash. Fuck.

I explained calmly that if he doesn't meet my needs then I have to leave him. Every way that he reacts shows me he can't/won't meet my needs. I don't want to make a rash decision here but I'm going insane and need someone to be firm and steady with me. I need to feel like he's my rock in times of madness right now but he's like a dead jellyfish floating where the tide pulls. He's not rooted or strong and the longer I look at him, the longer I'm not using, I feel that the only future with him is shaky at best and uncertain, rocky, and unreliable at worst. I want to go home. I don't know where home is. He used to be my home. Now I'm realizing I built a shack on sand and thought it was legit. Now the storms are upon me and he's cracking like the straw this shit is botched together from.

What I've learned in relationships is that you should trust your gut instinct.  This is something that really messed me up; I never had a dad or mom really, so I had no idea what it should even look like.  I married because I logically reasoned that it was something that would be the best considering the circumstances at the time.  Logic is never a good thing to use for a relationship, because we are emotional creatures.  I constantly felt like we never connected and there was never any support there as well.  We're now divorced, and we have a daughter together; I love my daughter, but I do wish that I had never married her (except for having my daughter of course).  So, I would say, get out now, before you dig yourself deeper into this relationship.  Trust your gut, don't rationalize why you should stay.

hellexfire said:
The more lonely I am, the more I want to use. I want to separate myself from him because he isn't meeting my needs. I know that if I leave him that I'm going to relapse like uh, real quick there buddy. I want to put the distance between us that I feel is really there because of his inability to connect to me but when trying to sleep on the couch at night, I know I know I know if I stay there I'm going to M. He's a built in baby sitter and even though I hate sleeping next to him, I do it anyway. 

Try taking incremental steps away from him; pull away emotionally at first, but not physically.  Then stop having sex with him.  Then try staying away from the house longer and longer periods without seeing him.  I really think you need to get away from this guy, because he's not giving you the support you need; if I loved someone, I don't care how much shit I was going through, I would still be there for them to help them.  If he's not doing that, he's gonna be toxic to you right now.

hellexfire said:
@ntg- thanks brother. I promise I won't give up. I really do hate being alone- but like I also grew up in a large family where you could always hear someone, somewhere making noise. I'm used to background noise and constant interruption. I def need to pace myself though, you are spot on about that. Digestible pieces, right? This shit cake gotta get eaten and I need to just take it one step at a time.x

You got it, one bite at a time.  You'll find though, as soon as you start eating little pieces, you can take bigger and bigger ones as you get more and more healthy.  You won't be taking small pieces all the time, but to get some momentum, start out with that.  The first few steps are always the hardest, but you can do it.

 

hellexfire

Member
A number of things have happened recently which have lifted me up high enough to clear the flood waters yet the waters found a way to climb higher and I'm drenched. That's alright, I'm a strong swimmer.

A few days ago my SO and I did something I didn't realize was possible at this point in the game. We've been mutually M'ing together and I was quite surprised that he's able to achieve an erection without media so soon. He's been rebooting for about 40 days and prior to that erections were pretty much out of the picture. It is a small victory but I collect all the ones I can reach. Then, just recently, I was absolutely floored that (while watching a movie) he reached his hand down my pants and started petting me. I was more shocked when I returned fire and he had an erection. We carried on like this for a half and hour or so and then he went downtown while still watching the movie (at my suggestion). For the first time in my life, I O'ed in the moment- thinking of nothing but exactly what was happening to me. I didn't experience it from any other perspective than my own and it made me feel... a little bit more free. I didn't expect any sort of results as fast as this and while it's not the whole deal, it's definitely more than I expected. My SO doesn't know the first thing about sexuality or sensuality so I was beyond shocked at him starting the whole thing. Crazy good.

But there's a but, right. It's been hellaciously difficult for him at work and for me on campus. I found out that there is a serious, serious issue with my visa and it's looking pretty wretched at this point. I'm toying with the idea that destiny might be leading me elsewhere. He insists the future is bright but my needs have to be met and while I see him try and try, it's just not enough for me.

Which has brought me to an interesting discovery about myself. It's never enough for me. In some ways this is good because I have ambition and achieve a lot for myself and others but in the department of emotions and sex- it's never enough for me. Not ever. It's never enough P, or M, or O's, or sex. It's never enough attention, affection, or control. I don't trust anyone with my deepest inside feelings and I make sure to (while being very open) draw a line in my mind between what people say and what I know people to do. I have severe trust issues and that comes out as controlling every situation I'm in. I know I'm a control freak and for the most part, I'm really (really) good at not controlling other people. I have long since learned to accept what I can't control and at this point in my life, I just need control of myself. It makes me anxious when someone is effecting me deeply and that is just what happens in a romantic relationship. So, I am thinking I'm not good in relationships because at the end of the day I don't trust a romantic partner and I don't think I ever will, not all the way. It doesn't feel safe.

I'm tossing this around and feeling more disconnected from my SO for it. I can't tell what the needs are that he should be meeting and how reasonable my (ridiculously) high life standards are out of a partner. I expect a lot but I also believe that is because I have a brilliant story and there's just nothing mediocre about me. I don't want to be with anyone mediocre.

I started meditation again yesterday. I reached this point where I felt like I couldn't breathe because the stress and pressure in my life was so grandiose that I thought I might have a solid break down. It's this perfect moment where I realized, again, who I am. I can not stop no matter how empty I am- I will just run endlessly on fumes. So it's best to take care of myself to prevent an empty tank. I haven't meditated in a few months and getting back to it was just riding a bicycle. It's amazing to me how 10 minutes of it just completely changed my outlook. I can't wait to get back to swimming and yoga again too. I need to take care of myself. This is where I get stuck- I don't want to be in a relationship if I'm doing all this self-care alone. I can do it alone (and fucking well, too) so why be alone when I'm with someone? I'm so thirsty to siphon someone else's strength. I have found myself drawn to strangers who appear flexibly strong to me lately. I hand all my strength and love to others endlessly- I want, I NEED, someone to feed back into me. I don't need it to stay full, I need it to know there's someone else in the world as strong as I am. I don't want to be the strongest one.

I haven't used this whole time. Sometimes I pull my hair out, sometimes it's like a passing thought, but no matter what, I haven't used. I did smoke a few cigarettes but right now, it's the lesser of two evils. I'm not going to be mad at myself for a few cigarettes. It's like, 98% less than what I was smoking before and that's more than a step in the right direction. I'm doing well and patting myself on the back feels more amazing than I thought it would.

I realized that my triggers are pretty uniform in their theme. I'm using when I'm upset, anxious, or looking to control my circumstances (in my own brain). P and M make me feel like I have control for a little bit- what a seething lie. They lie and they lie big. I've also noticed that my brain definitely has neurons ready to fire at the slightest thing now- a sexy scene in a movie, the slutty ads on the side of webpages, like anything. The smallest indication of anything sexual at all (and sometimes that's stretching it) and I feel a pulse jump into me that just wants to seek out more and slide my hand down my pants...

Speaking of which, I've done an awesome fucked job of NOT doing that. I've caught myself sooner and sooner when I go to slide my hand down my pants and now I can mostly catch myself before I can graze my stomach. I have a rule for myself: no touching unless it's for hygiene or a legitimate itch.

I'm definitely blue as hell. My mood has sunk pretty far and while I know what I need to do, I'm having serious problems with motivation. Maybe I just need to experience that right now or maybe I do need to seek out someone strong who can help motivate me and spend time with me to that end but at this point, I'm grateful that I'm still floating. I am too wiped to swim... so let me just watch the clouds go by while the water holds me up and sloshes all around me. x

@ntg- I like your perspective. I've taken days to reflect and make a new entry because your post profoundly impacted me. I'm not sure I completely agree about gut instincts- they are things that can be molded, manipulated, reshaped, learned, and unlearned. Gut instincts can involve morality and cultural values and I have a hard time trusting something so malleable. Even were I to trust my gut instinct, I have no idea what it says about my SO. I don't think it's so simple or black and white. He's an addict, I'm an addict. He didn't know he was an addict before he 'woke up'. I'm waking up to new things as well. I also think that logic and emotions HAVE to be balanced. They have to man. Yeah, we are emotional creatures. But we're also logical creatures so why does a relationship just have to have one of those elements? I think logic can get in the way of a lot sometimes but I think emotions can do the same thing (and at far more destructive costs). I'm a scientist so logic is really important. I see a lot of stupidity result from emotional choices. I spent too much of my life not rationalizing my choices to stop now. How old are you? You sure are an interesting one.

I've taken your advice of pulling away emotionally because it makes sense. I need to create boundaries inside that keep me safe and that's exactly what I'm doing. We don't really have sex (both rebooting) so that's never really been on the table. I realize it's easy to read my journals and come to a rough idea ... but stick with me bro. There's so many layers to this shit cake and this relationship, which deeply effects my reboot, won't be understood in a few entries. Example: What do you do when someone tries and tries and tries- honestly tries- and they just don't have what it takes at the time? Do you drop it and come back to it later? What about when you believe they may have the capability to succeed but they don't have the strength, resilience, or streak of amazing that you do? What do you do when you've known and loved that person for 17 years (enter emotions)? Maybe I do have a problem with not knowing when to walk away and that probably is because of my issues of being alone... but I have to be relatively sure before I scrap this shit. Which is why withdrawing emotionally is going to benefit me. I need to logically evaluate and I can't do that while I'm emotionally strung up, hoping he'll meet my needs and feed into me the strength I'm hungry for only to have those hopes dashed again and again and again and again.... x
 

ntg2978

Active Member
This is awesome hellexfire!  I think you are making real progress here.  If you guys are bonding, even somewhat, then you are making progress.  Even if you only progress 1% daily, it seems so small, but it compounds upon itself, propelling you forward and as you know, every journey begins with one single step.  Oftentimes, the start is the hardest part ever, because you have no momentum; you're stopping your life going one direction, and simultaneously putting on the fuel to go another direction...but once you start moving, it's easier to continue moving in that new direction because of the principle of momentum.  So, take every success, no matter how small, and cherish it, because it means you're gaining momentum!

You're having realizations about yourself, and this is so good!  This reboot is not just a porn or masturbation reboot...it's a life reboot, it's a reboot to begin to handle your emotions in a positive way.  It's a reboot to learn new constructive ways to release your frustration from life.  This is why I say to focus on your goals, because that's what will propel you above trying to just stay away from porn or masturbation ? and propel you to a higher level.

You're also learning your triggers...which is HUGE.  If you can learn your triggers, you can sit down and decide what you're going to do instead when you're faced with one ? it's like having some key intelligence when you're in a war; if the enemy is going to take the hill, then we're going to ambush on their way up kind of thing.  If you know what your enemy is going to do beforehand, you  can prepare and conquer it before it knows what happened.

I understand what you're saying about your gut instinct; and I used to think the same way.  I'll tell you though, from personal experience, there seems to be SOME part of us, that no matter how fucked up we get...it always knows the way out.  I can't explain it, I really can't...but I do know that everytime I have listened to my inner voice telling me what I should do, it has never steered me wrong.  The key is learning to differentiate between your most inner gut instinct and your own mind.  The gut instinct I'm referring to is deeper than your mind; it's like the most core of yourself that you can get; the things that you're passionate about; the part of you that says, ?no fucking more, it ends now? - that's the part I'm referring to ? learn to tap that part of you for where you should go.

As for your questions about what to do in your life, regarding your SO, you need to make these decisions.  Just remember that when you start analyzing things too much, let it go, go do something like working out or helping somebody ? volunteering your time or something ? and then come back to it ? this is the perspective that you need to make the best decision you can.  Get your emotions out of the way and make a decision based upon your deepest values and what you want for your life.  State is EVERYTHING when making decisions.

As for me, I am interesting, I'll be the first to admit that.  My life has been interesting, and in order to survive it, I had to learn how to look at the world differently than most; I had to learn to rely upon myself only at times to get through, so I began to understand what works and what doesn't.  If you want to learn more about me, feel free to read my journal at http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=2868.0

Stay strong sister, sometimes it feels like we are all alone, but we're really not (this forum is proof).  Sometimes we can't see others going through shit, but they definitely are, and this can, if nothing else, help to give you hope that you're not the only one going through things.  Take heart and decide that you won't be fucked with anymore by life.  You've got a warrior inside of you, I can tell; learn to tap that when you're trying to do something, and you're going to be fucking usntoppable.
 

jkkk

Well-Known Member
hellexfire,

Your journal is some profound stuff.

I like your attitude in respect to always having a second thought about your feelings, emotions and "gut".

What I think, being a recovering addict (with lots of ups and downs, and relapses) is that we cannot trust ALL those gut emotions and feelings. It's pretty difficult to pick which are truly legit and which are a product of a - let's be honest - sick mind.

This is what I have found with regard to eg. attraction towards your SO. My problem is of a pecular nature - though a very PMO- and dopamine-influence one - in that I sometimes have feelings that my wife' appearance does not satisfy my needs and that I prefer women which look different (I must add that I have no reservations to her as a person - she's a fantastic life companion). I have had that emotion/feeling for some time now. Guess what. Long streaks of avoiding dopamine spikes simply take that feeling away and I can get totally horny about her and honestly think she's perfect. What is seriously disturbing is just how realistic and actual, and important this unsatisfying feeling was when it was there. It's crazy.

I'm not saying this is happening with you. How would I know. (Maybe indeed you are being in a bad relationship that should be changed. That said, my personal perspective is that people with issues are drawn to people with issues, if you know what I mean. It's how the both deal with them that defines their relationship.) But I think I the one surely good and accurate gut feeling for all of one is this: stick to the plan, stick to the reboot, stick to the steps, name your emotions, feel them out, let them be and love yourself.
 

chiefmitch88

Active Member
Hi Hellexfire,

I wanted to welcome you to the Nation. Just felt like I had to reach out after relating to your story. I can tell from reading your journal that you have a scientist's mind, just like me. Ruled by logic. I can also tell you are incredibly intelligent. Not just by the fact that you're chasing a Phd, but also in the way you choose your words and express your feelings. You do not mince words and you are very concise. Also, don't take this the wrong way, but you have more b*lls than a good portion of the men in this forum. You tackle issues head on. It seems as though you KNOW in your heart of hearts that you can and will conquer whatever you set your mind to. It certainly doesn't seem like porn affected you self-confidence. You have a firm grasp of what you want and need from this life and from the partner you choose.

I too am in a similar boat as you in some respects. I too have ridiculously high standards for a partner which is exacerbated by my obsessive thought cycles. Shame>Trigger>Obsess>Act Out>Shame. The obsessive thoughts were the ingredient in my recovery process that I neglected for months. And I found out that I could obsess over just about anything. Constantly adding mass to all the dark clouds in my life with negative self talk regarding every area of my life.

I also have a relationship with someone from another country. I married a woman from the Caribbean and I sometimes wonder if I'll ever fit into her world or if the US will ever feel like home for her. She came from a very hard place and had an incredibly difficult childhood which included an absentee father, and physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive guardians. This turned her into a codependent. She became the perfect child that only did right. If she did any wrong she hid it for fear for reprisal. I was an addict when she met me. Our demons played very well together when we first met. I even managed to give up the excessive porn use for the first couple years of our relationship. She loved to please and her upbringing taught her to expect hurtful behaviors from those she loved. I fit right in. We got married.

Things deteriorated about a year ago. We couldn't communicate. I wasn't getting the sex I thought I needed. She wasn't being adventurous anymore, the frequency dropped. For her, understandably, it had become mechanical and lacking in intimacy. She had a bit of a nervous breakdown when I was in the depths of my addiction. I chased her away because i was angry with her inability to communicate, I also chased her away so that I could continue doing the one thing that gave me any pleasure in life, PMO and online chatting. I couldn't get enough of what wouldn't satisfy me. This lead to her affair. I found out and I was devastated. Of course, I had already started to understand that the porn was at the heart of this. I had just discovered YBOP and was beginning my journey, albeit, tentatively when I found out.

I immediately committed to my reboot. I wanted to see if I could save my marriage. Yes, I have slipped along the way but it's progress. Early on I did very well, it was almost easy. I got near to 45 days clean and slipped. I had made this reboot about having better boners, not about building a better human being. Still resolving that. My healing process has helped to understand that she has some issues to address in this relationship as well. She has anger and self confidence problems. She equated being sexually desired with love. She never had a father around to teach her what a good man is.

Naturally, as humans, we want to go back to that fuzzy, supportive, passionate place that we experienced when we first entered into the union. It has taken us months to realize that it can never go back to the way it was. We were both broken at the time we met. Now we have to build something new. And I must have faith that she is working at her problems. Just as she must have faith that I am working on mine. Things aren't always pretty and we can't be supportive to each other in the early stages of our mutual reboots. We both have shaky legs and we can't lean on each other too hard right now. Besides, this reboot, for me, is about learning to stand on my own without having the porn, or anything else, to turn to when I feel unsavory emotions. Your need to siphon off of someone else's strength is understandable. We all desire more social interaction after isolating with porn. You might meet that need in a support group or a close friendship. Our SO's aren't always the right people to fill that need because the subjects covered are usually quite sensitive. Your partner obviously has some strength if he has made it 40 days clean. Also, if you had you first O in the moment with him there might be something there worth holding onto.

This addiction affects every individual and every SO in different ways. It inflicts pain to both. It takes time to ease that pain and regain trust. It takes time for us men to get our mojo back and regain confidence. It takes a toll on our body image, it destroys our empathy, we see other humans as objects to consume. The man sitting next to you right now at 40 days sober is not the man who will be sitting next to you a year from now if he remains clean. The person you are right now is not the person you will be when you have conquered this obstacle.  Remember, this is about taking small bites, drastic life changes aren't always necessary. But again, only you know the relationship and only you can make that decision.

No judgement or preaching, just wanted to share my experiences with the hope that they might strike a chord. Glad to have a strong female here at the nation to show us the other side of the coin. I look forward to following your progress. p.s. sorry for the novel.
 

nomox3

Member
Hey, just wanted to jump in here. First, I need to say that it took me a long time to reply to you because I started to read your story, and found that it was to much for me. Nothing big really, just some triggers in there for me that I needed to avoid at the time.

But ngt has been posting on my blog, and so I got to looking at his posts, and ended up here lol.

Now, I haven't read your whole journey here, being that it's getting late, but most of it, starting from the beginning.

Some points to consider, concerning abuse. I've been in relationships with women who have been abused, and my father molested my two older half sisters. My oldest sister from the age of 11. The things that I have observed over the years in this is that when a woman is abused, they always seem to go to one of two extremes. Either completely depressing sex and sexual contract. Or (more often) becoming overly sex crazed. Every one that I have known has gone the latter route.

From what I can gather it's that it's a control thing, they want to be in control of their bodies and their reactions. But, I am just a man, and all of that it's just speculation. The thing that matters though is age. A person's brain is still forming up until they turn about 24, up until then they are still forming their moral thought processes.

To get down to it,(cause I don't want to high jack your blog) if you experienced molestation at an early age, then it is going to be very difficult to even know what a normal sexual relationship would be like.

I know that what my father did effected me, even though he did it to my sisters. But I still struggle with the ideas and thoughts of what it means to be a real man in a relationship.

I guess the practical application that I'm trying to get at is defining your goals. What it sounds like is that PMO is really a secondary issue, and that the fantasies of control and molestation are the culprits in your addiction.

The progress that you have made is awesome! The fact that you are driven to improve and succeed in life at all costs sounds like my second oldest sister who is 5 foot tall, and into krav maga. She can take a guy down who is 6'5" and 250lbs of pure muscle coming at her with a knife. This is also a side effect of her experience as a teen.

Any ways, define your goals, (something I'm having difficulty doing my self) and consider that you may have to do something drastic to over come this... you may have to decide not to achieve?.... does that make sense?

I don't know, but I do know that there are so many younger women in this up coming generation who are becoming addicted to P. And that they will need strong women who have overcome to give them the hope they need to came out of it.

You will be one of those leaders! Never give up. Never give in. Take those thoughts captive. Because if you just keepthem out, you don't know where they are or when they will strike. If you hold them prisoner, you control them.

Take from this the good, and disregard the bad. Sorry for the long post.
 

Bibbity

Active Member
Have you ever challenged the stories you are telling yourself about your life?  Have you ever looked at your thoughts from a third person perspective and thought "who the fuck is saying all of this"?

I am a woman who helped a partner through addiction and I can tell you that a big part of addiction and a big part of keeping it alive are those little stories we tell ourselves about our life.  Those stories are by far the biggest trigger.  My challenge to you is to question your thoughts about yourself because you are pigeonholing yourself into a little box.  Google Byron Katie and see what you find there.

Good luck :)
 

hellexfire

Member
Just About Three Weeks In

I'm over some sort of hump in the road. It's probably like a tiny little hump but it's the first one and it's in my rearview now and I'm really happy about that. I'm not banging my head against walls to the same degree that I was. I've gained some momentum. It's just a little bit easier to say 'No' to my cravings and maybe, just maybe there are fewer cravings.

I'm still struggling with so much. I know I'm in a low-down-dirty-blue-mood funk. I know I'm not very motivated at this point. Some days I'm doing the bare minimum and patting myself on the back when I manage that- other days I don't manage that. I'm trying to be kind to myself and understanding. I'm beating two addictions right now and it is sucking the life out of me and it's understandable that it's sucking the life out of me. I'm tired all the time, I have trouble sleeping, I'm irritable and saucy all the damn time. I'm having bouts of headaches, exhaustion, body aches. I can feel that I'm no longer spiraling downward and that I am headed in the right direction. I'm aiming upwards but it's just very slow right now. I don't want to add extra pressure to go too quickly, I want to experience my struggles so I can appreciate them and get the most from the lessons I'm learning right now.

I'm learning a lot. I'm learning about how deficient I am and I'm looking at the world through this renewed scope of vigor. I've always been passionate and now I'm starting to become positively lit the fuck up. The world is fucked up and all the addictions in all the world are stopping We the People (collectively) from actively changing our world. Our addictions are keeping us down, keeping us self-centered, and preventing us from evolving. I'm toying with heavy ideas; an addiction free world (sugar, orgasm/porn, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, food, etc) would mean that we'd all have to be really emotionally balanced in order to not seek vices in the first place. We'd have to be very well-ordered to avoid temptation in the second place. Wouldn't this make for a structured but dull, dull, dull existence? Humans love and need homeostasis. Most mammals do. We don't like change but it's necessary for growth. I'm stuck on this thought but I'll work it out.

I'll get to working out. I'm tired of pressurizing myself to do, do, do. I have a long path ahead of me and it's going to be a long time before I am where I want to be. I don't know that I'll ever achieve the perfection I see in my head; the body I want, the emotional stability I want, the career I want, the SO and adorable family I want, the traveling I want- I want it all. Mediocrity is not an option for me, that's why I'm quitting these addictions. That's why I'm rebooting. I want a more elite life and believe the benefits to me far outweigh the pain of change. There is a piece of me, though, that I feel needs to settle with itself. I need to accept myself to some degree without accepting mediocrity, stagnant existence, or a passionate life. I need to let myself off the hook a bit and let perfect perfection fade.

I want to explore imperfect perfection.

Great news- I've realized I have used people up and that's a key contributor to some of my trust issues. I believed there was a jar of hearts lined up who had burned me and that's why I didn't trust anyone. I have come to entertain that I emptied those jars of hearts for the same reason I use; because we can't get enough of what doesn't satisfy us. This is going to help my part in my relationship with my SO. It's been a giant whirlwind recently. I want him to have more backbone and be more active in supporting me the way I need to be supported. I should probably let him off the hook a bit too. I've been angry, so angry and I've used that red-hot-simmering-vice to shoot stars out of my face and smoldering words into his chest cavity. Anger is a vice too. I am angry that he lied and cheated and robbed me of trust. I don't forgive him for not being the person he led me to believe he was. I'm upset he hasn't lived up to my expectations and we both knew from the getgo that mine were out of this world. I set the bar high for myself and high for my partner. I'm only now coming to realize that I can keep that bar high (not strip myself of who I am) and still allow us both patience to grow (explore my own flaws).  He's mostly good. I should be thankful for having a mostly good man who gave me most everything I could have wished for (double door fridge with ice maker, water dispenser), flew me around the world and continues to do so, and hasn't quit yet despite his predisposition to do so.

Sometimes I'm such a bastard.
I haven't used today and I won't use today. I might break down crying but I won't use.
I accept this path is the one least traveled and that it will hurt.
It's okay to suffer. x

House Rule: No apologizing for long posts. Be as detailed as you want to be- this is language, linguistically communicate to the best of your ability.

@ntg- my dude, my dude. Practically my sponsor at this point. Keeps tabs on me, mentors me in a way. Your ideas on gut instinct have had my head propelled into philosophy and asking others their perception since you dropped em'. I'm like, drawing on mirrors at this point with the circular direction of my reaction to your ideas. Thank you for causing me to think- no finer thing can be said about a person. I don't agree with everything you think but your thoughts cause my own (and I'm sure you ignite the same in others). You're right about more than you aren't. I have some momentum now, I'm seeing things a little bit clearer now, and learning these triggers is the difference between beating my head into a wall and taking a walk along the beach. I'm glad you weighed in when you did- I almost made a hasty decision I likely would have regretted. Now I'm trying to focus on letting myself experience this journey and the emotions that come with it...without making big choices while in this state. You're right about my warrior- time to get out the war paint. x

@jkkk - you have a bright insight and I'm glad you shared it. I think am guilty of focusing on the unattainable archetypes in my head that P and me have created. The longer I'm away from these things, the easier it is to appreciate my SO. x

@chiefmitch - Wow. I've read a lot of what you have to say and frankly, you blow my mind. Your story moves me. Your words inspire me. A sidedish: self-confidence was never the issue, for me it's arrogance and P makes that 1000% stronger. Your novel is completely novel- exactly what good stories should be. You are welcome to novel on my page whenever the hell you'd like. You add to everything you comment on, you pull it apart like a slow cooked brisket, and you layer it in well-thought out structure without detracting from the natural flavor of the piece. Your experiences have helped to influence mine. Thank you. x

@nomox3 - Thanks for avoiding your triggers and making your way through the waves brother. I think you are def onto something- control. I want to pull that apart. Define my goals how and where? PhD- defining goal of my life. Obtain my dream body, emotionally stabilize, swim with dolphins, what kind of goals man? I have lists and lists of goals. You floor me when you propose that not achieving goals may be a worthwhile pursuit for me. That one will have me thinking for months...love your words dude. Also: hijack, write long posts, no apologies. x

@Bibbity - No, I haven't. I don't see the point in doing so. I live my life, I experience my stories and my perception is key to my freedom from this addiction- like the other hurdles before this one.  I appreciate your perception- it's certainly different and therefore refreshing... but I believe our stories are ours to interpret, tell, and write. Most the chapters aren't yet written and I'm excited to write them how I want them to be- not how this has taken control of my life.  I disagree about pigeonholing a damn thing; I'm a partner helping an SO through addiction as well...but I'm also an addict working through addiction and a big part of addiction is __________ (insert personal statement here).  x
 

chiefmitch88

Active Member
Lots and lots of really great words here hellexfire. It was a pleasure to read them. The decrease in tension from your previous post was palpable. I appreciate the kind words and I am glad I could give you a story to relate to.

Keep sharing with us. I can already tell that your story is going to continue being a pleasure to read. You have a power that seems to radiate even through the words you write. I pity anyone who stands between you and your goals.

Hang in there Lioness, you'll be crushing it in no time.
 

Eminem

Member
Congratulations on 20 days!  Keep on going.  Just don't look back, not even for a second.  The longer you go without PMO the better the quality of life gets!  Just remember that.
Good luck!
 
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