Longing to be Free

I am of woman of faith, married for 25 years and struggling with obsessive thoughts that get played out (fantasized) like a broken record in my head. For awhile it was lots of stories, but with common threads. I used to to view pornography, but got away from it for years, but now I am back and I use it to create pictures for my story line. I used to think it was just hormones and a near sexless marriage...but I know it goes deeper than this. I have tried sheer will power, sometimes it works, most of the time... not. I hate it. I pray against my behavior, I know it is a sin. It hurts that once I allow myself the slightest leeway, I am lost and I feel like I have no control, until I have played it out in my head. Or I roll play verbally the whole story. Sometimes it is a few hours, there have been times when I was lost in it for days. It is always to same basic storyline. It is not a healthy one, it is about power and submission, and every heterosexual sexual act I can come up with (and the porn helps me come up with ideas). Sometimes I am the man in the story who has the power and ability to control over usually young women for my own purposes; more often, I am the very young woman in love with the man (whom I have developed a whole biography for!) who has a very commanding personality, but who loves me. I get so depressed and disappointed with myself. I spend a lot of time alone, due to health reasons and not being able to work. Boredom is an issue, as is the need to be desired, another.
 

klarson27

Active Member
Have you ever shared with him the types of things that you are watching?

That might be a good thing to try and discuss and even discuss possibly acting them out with him?

In a marriage rooted in faith you may even discuss how you feel shame for the desires and ask him how he feels about it.
 
Top