Lost but hopeful for direction

Day Zero

Hey everyone.

I'm someone who at the surface would seem to have their life together. I'm 26 years old, in a top graduate school for my field and well on my way towards getting a PhD. Girls seem to like me, I'm social and get a long with a lot of people. I don't have problems related to ED, although I am into some intense sexual material that has certainly gotten extreme with time.

None of that matters. I don't bring those things up to suggest to brag, but instead reflect on the fact that on by just looking at the surface it's amazing how little we actually know about someone. Because on my inside, I'm constantly lost and feel directionless. I never know what I want without excrutiating pain to get there. I can't focus at all, to the point where I have trouble reading at times because my brain gets confused. I am constantly insecure, in self doubt, and feel worthless about myself.

And I can't stop watching porn. Ive tried for almost a year now and I'm losing hope that I have what it takes to get better. I know that porn is the source of a lot of my ADHD tendencies, my insecurity, my objectification of women even when I see it happening, like I'm watching it outside myself and constantly trying to stop it. I can't say HOW I know it's porn related, but I just know it is. It's the feeling of confusion I get after I manage to stop porn use for a couple days and I relapse. It's the feeling of no attention, no direction, and escaping to porn multiple times a day because I can't summon the energy to complete any tasks on my to-do list. At the rate I'm going, I am throwing a lot of potential away. I am worried that my research is slipping (it is) and that I won't finish my PhD. And even if I do, I'm on the track to barely get by. I don't want to barely get by anymore. I want to be the best version of me I can be, at peace with who I am but happy to work harder. I am so far from that.

I have watched porn since I was 12. While the intensity and frequency of it has changed with time, I spent a lot of the last 13 years masturbating on average 3 times a day. I don't even want to think about how many hours of my life I have wasted. Addiction and mental disease runs in my family, and part of me wonders if porn is an escape from depression and the general sadness that seems to run on my dad's side of the family- little doses of dopamine constantly demanded by my body to pick me up. And if that's the case, will I spiral into depression without porn? These are all things that scare me, but surely there must be healthier ways to deal with depression than no-fap. Maybe no-fap is causing the depression. I don't know, but all I know is that I feel out of options, and it scares me.

I have always been reluctant to ask for help, but now I am hoping that this forum can help me change my ways. Nothing else has worked, but something HAS to work. I don't want to leave my life dependent on something, on ANYTHING. Porn has become my shackle, and I refuse to be chained down to something so superficial. Although I am losing hope to start, there is still hope there. Maybe sharing my journey with all of you who have succeeded or trying to succeed is a good change of pace.

Wishing strength and persistence to all of you.

Mountainman

Hello there I saw you are looking for accountability partners and decided to check your story.
I like your attitude and the way of thinking.

Ending this addiction will definitely help you on your way to a better life. Unfortunately, depression is unavoidable part of the recovery. We have been using porn as a way to bury our emotions.
I believe that the guide that I wrote 4 months ago might be of some use to you. https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/guide-what-you-need-to-do-in-order-to-recover-and-end-this-addiction.73277/
Following it helped me to reach 45 days streak

Good luck, I am here to read your story and support you on your journey.

Hi Mountainman,

I just signed up for this site and read your insightful and powerful post.  Are you still looking for an accountability partner?  I was thinking something consistent but not too time-consuming might help.  I've had varying successes before (up to about 3 months without PMO) but tend to edge during periods of boredom throughout a day/week.  I recently re-committed myself to a daily meditation habit which has been great so far and I'm all-in on trying my best to eliminate porn from my life.  As unrealistic and daunting as it sounds, committing myself to a daily meditation + no more porn for the rest of my life is the mindset in which I find myself.  Why would I not take these steps that I know lead to a more enjoyable version of myself and why would I only commit to doing them for a relatively short amount of time?  If I can't follow through perfectly, so be it - I'm human.  But life is fleeting and it seems we only get one chance at it.  Carpe Diem!

Best,
r3800t