J316 journal

J316

Active Member
So I started a journal, but as I typically tend to do in recovery, it was kind of half-assed so I'm rebooting my reboot.

My name's Tim I'm 22 years old and I've been addicted to sex in some form for as long as I can remember. Which isn't saying much, actually, because I have an awful memory, but that's beside the point. As near as I can remember I started M without P in grade school, maybe around 7 or 8 years old. Added P in either eight grade or freshman year high school. Was caught by parents a couple of times and always promised to stop but didn't. During this time PMO wasn't really affecting my life in any major way.

Then I went to college and it hit the metaphorical fan. Couldn't seem to get the motivation to go to classes, rather watch porn. Do homework? Nah, how bout some porn. Hang out with friends? Usually, yeah, but about once a week I'd skip that to watch porn. My grades tanked, I was hiding all of this from everyone, and October freshman year I packed a bag with blankets, clothes, and some porn magazines and just started walking around the city. I sent texts to my friends and family saying good-bye, and evidently I scared them and made them all think I was going to kill myself (I wasn't, I was just going to be a hobo, evidently).

I went to an in-patient treatment center for sex addiction. During that time, I thought I was making great progress, and I was blessed because my girlfriend stayed with me through that. Once I got out of treatment, I was back to PMO and my girlfriend of two years left me.

Since then I've had several similar episodes (minus the in-patient treatment. Shit's expensive) where my PMO causes me to get overwhelmed by life and try to run. I take off with no plan, no money, sometimes even no ID. My PMO has moved from regular watching porn to mostly trying to find hook-ups and the like, and I think I may have PIED but I'm not sure. So that's my story now, not half-assed, and here's hoping this reboot doesn't fizzle out and die like all the others.
 

J316

Active Member
Had a good day yesterday, went to six flags with the family. I'm also trying to quit smoking, and I went the entire day with relatively no problem on that front. I'm also keeping a hand written journal that I do before I go to bed, and I'm afraid I kind of half-assed it last night because I was exhausted when we got home. But I'm determined not to half ass things this time around, so I'm making a point of doing something on this site every day. I'll be posting in my journal again either tonight or tomorrow morning.
 

J316

Active Member
Getting ready to go out with a friend to wing night. Managed not to smoke at all again today, kept myself busy by taking my dad to see Suicide Squad. I feel like I should be happy about that, but I'm really pretty indifferent to it, just like I'm indifferent to however long I've gone with no MO. I don't even know how long I've gone without MO or PMO. I feel like I should, or like I should at least care, but I don't seem to care. I care that i'm not doing it, I don't want to do it, but I don't care how long it's been since I last did it. I don't feel like it matters. What matters to me is how I'm handling things, not how long it's been since last time I screwed up. And i think I'm handling things relatively well. I walked into the family room today and my Mom told me I looked angry. I wasn't angry, so i don't know why I looked angry. But when I told her I was fine she kept pestering. "Are you sure? You looked pissed? Did something happen? Did you have a slip (MO) while you were in the shower? Are you upset?"

Nothing I said could convince her that I was fine and she ended up telling me to "think about it." I don't know what I'm supposed to be thinking about. This sort of thing happens kind of frequently, actually. I know she's just trying to help, but it's annoying.

She just now got mad at me because she asked me if I had a plan for handling things when I went out. I'm in the middle of typing this, so i said "working on it now" she didn't hear me so I repeated it louder and she acted like I snapped at her when i was just repeating myself.

Actually, now that I think about it more, I probably did snap. I was irritated because I'm in the middle of something important, she knows that, and she's interrupting to ask if I have a plan of attack for hanging out with a friend tonight. It bugs me that something as simple as going to wing night with a friend is something I need to have a plan for, but that's the case. I'm not an alcoholic, but I've been known to abuse alcohol in the past, and it's also been symptomatic of the episodes where I take off, so my parents have reason to be worried about me going to a bar. They're also probably concerned about me being in a bar because of the possibility of trying to pick someone up, but they keep such a tight leash on me (not unreasonably) that it's not like i could do anything anyway.

Anyway, that's it for now. Sorry that was kind of rambling.
 

J316

Active Member
Another good day today. Had a meeting with my therapist. I was trying to talk to him about my anger issues, but he didn't really help much with that, which is unusual. Maybe he wants me to work it out on my own. Which I'm trying to do. It took a lot of willpower to even start this journal, it's currently 12:52 AM, I just got back from work, and I have to be at work again at 11. I really didn't want to journal, and part of me was saying "Well, you ARE a narcoleptic, so you have to make sure you get good sleep." I'm proud I didn't let that part win though. This journal won't be nearly as long as my other ones because I DO have to get to bed, but I am at least doing it.

Today was a big test because I went in to the city for my appointment alone. Usually my Dad drives me in because the city can be triggering for me, but with school coming up that won't be an option. I'm happy to report that I got in and out of the city with absolutely no problems at all, which is good to say.
 

J316

Active Member
Today went well, although my Mom has been anxious all day long. I think it's just because it's been a while since my last big screw up and now is about the time I mess up again. Today has been fairly uneventful so far. Went to work, came home, watched Star Trek with an old buddy from high school and his girlfriend. It was fun, but I felt kind of awkward. Seeing them together made me really miss my ex. I thought I had gotten over her. I think I have, and it's more that I miss having someone in my life. But I'm not in a position right now where it would be right for me to get involved with anyone; it just wouldn't be fair to them or to myself. I can't commit fully to a relationship right now and I need to recognize that. That's historically been a problem for me; I've seldom gone for more than a month without a girlfriend and now it's been almost a year. Part of me feels empty, and I'm not sure that's normal. My identity shouldn't be dependent on whether I'm single or not.
 

J316

Active Member
Dad just dragged me out of bed to do this journal. Part of me is grateful, because I don't want to forget it, but another part of me is angry because I'm exhausted and I was almost asleep when he came up.

Had a good day today, went to work, nothing special. I'm smoking and lying about it again, which I don't feel too great about, but I feel like it's none of their business if i smoke or not. I'm kind of surprised by my lack of triggers, and it makes me kind of nervous. I feel like I should be feeling triggered, but I'm not. I guess I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. Meeting with an old high school friend for breakfast tomorrow morning, I'm looking forward to it. mom says I need to work on my socializing and not isolating, and I agree. Anyway, I'm sorry this entry is show short, but it's a combination of a rather dull day and being too exhausted to think straight.
 

J316

Active Member
Forgot to journal last night, and I'm a little upset about it. I didn't really forget, I remembered as I was laying in bed about to fall asleep, but I can't have un-monitored time on the computer and so I couldn't do it without waking people up. I  had a good day yesterday though, although it was a little tough to not smoke. I'm a server and I had a guest who reeked of cigarettes and it made it hard to not try and bum one from a coworker. But now I am one day without smoking.

As far as sexual triggers go, I haven't had many. I'm feeling a little paranoid though. I feel like the other shoe is about to drop, and I don't know why because I've been doing what I'm supposed to do. Maybe it's because I missed my in-person meeting on Saturday that I'm feeling anxious. Either way, feeling anxious means I have to be on the alert, because I'm more likely to act out when I feel anxious.
 

J316

Active Member
I had a good day today. Again uneventful. I didn't have work today, so I spent the day getting new work shoes (mine are ripped to hell) and picking up my prescriptions and getting some stuff squared away for school. They finally removed the hold from my account, so I can register for courses now. I'm not going to yet though because i want to talk to my advisor first.

Dad had a conversation with me about how he doesn't see me "doing enough." I don't know what else he wants me to do. I'm keeping up with this journal, I'm getting stuff prepared for school. I'm putting my focus where it should be, and yet he still says he's getting "increasingly anxious."

He and my mom think I'm lying, but I haven't smoked in two days now. I know they don't believe me, but I have to recognize that there's nothing really I can do about that for the time being. I just have to keep doing the next right thing and eventually they'll come around. Besides, it's not like they have any reason to believe me. I've always been lying and hiding in the past, and they have no real reason to think that that has suddenly changed. Not until I build up a good history of doing the right thing, and that's going to take quite some time to do, and I have to know to be patient.
 

J316

Active Member
Today was so-so. I didn't do much, and I'm not really proud of that. My mom had a conversation with me about how I need to be more open. She says I'm too closed off, I don't elaborate on things. Like, someone will ask me how my day went and I'll say "fine," and not expand. She says she's concerned I'm doing the same thing on these journals but I'm not. Or at least I don't think I am. I have a hard time recognizing when I do stuff like that. If anyone is reading this, if you notice that I'm being closed off or not elaborating or anything like that, could you leave a comment and let me know?

That brings me to my next thing. I need to start building my support network. If anyone here would be willing to talk and become someone I could reach out to for help and support when i'm struggling I'd greatly appreciate it. You see at the moment I only have my parents and my therapist. My parents really want to be my support and help but...well...they're my parents. It's kind of hard to talk about sex addiction with your parents. I know recovery is hard and everything but I don't want to make it any harder than it has to be. It's already hard enough. With my work schedule and school coming up, I can't make many face to face meetings, so I would be very grateful for any online or over the phone support I could get.

I'm really all-in this time, and it feels good but terrifying. I'm afraid I'll fuck it all up, pardon my french, and I'm afraid that my first slip will send me into the mindset that I can't do it and shouldn't bother trying. it really feels like this is all or nothing right now, like there's no margin for error, and that's putting a lot of stress on me. What's worse is that'll make it hard for me to be honest when I do slip, and I need to be honest. Everyone always says honesty is the best way to fight this.
 

J316

Active Member
Not a bad day, but not great. I acted out with PMO. Found an old phone that I used to use in my parents' bedroom. Stole it and used it to get online and act out. Worst part is that I lied about it when confronted with it. I admitted to stealing the phone but I lied about whether or not I'd actually used it. To be clear, this was a phone I had purchased several weeks ago for the express purpose of acting out and playing pokemon go. I have a dumb phone because I can't be trusted with a smart phone or I'll act out with it, so my parents took the smartphone.  I've gotten into this cycle now of wasting money buying phones that they discover a few weeks later. I've probably spent about $400 doing this. That's $400 with nothing to show but pain. I do feel a sense of pride though because I made some progress in that I didn't lie about having taken the phone. Usually I lie and lie and lie even when backed in to a corner and only come out with the truth when shown irrefutable proof that I'm lying, and sometimes not even then. This time I didn't. And when my Mom asked me to correct any lies, I corrected the one about not having used it with very little prodding. Would've preffered no prodding, but I'll take what I can get.

Sorry if this journal wasn't very coherent, I am absolutely exhausted right now it's almost 1 AM and I had 5 hours of sleep last night because we got up early to go fishing.
 

kook__

Active Member
Hey Tim, welcome to RN :) Many of us were or still are in the same dark places like you. I just want to tell you that you are not alone in this. Take it step by step, sometimes the way is the goal. Feel free to pm me if anything :)
 
P

prozilla

Guest
It's crazy how no matter how hard we try to avoid this addiction, we will move heaven and hell to get our addiction when we want it.
 

J316

Active Member
Day 1 of no PMO

Thanks, K. And Prozilla, it really is. It doesn't even seem like effort to me. Like, sometimes my Dad will point out how much work I put into the addiction with the lies and cover-ups and saving money for a phone and making excuses to get time away to go buy the phone and I'm like "Shit, that sounds exhausting. How did I do that?" How come I can put all that effort into the addiction and not even feel like I'm working that hard at it and yet when it comes to recovery, which is what I truly want, the slightest bit of effort seems too much?

Anyway, I had a good day today, although I didn't journal as much as I would've liked to. I like to keep a handwritten journal in addition to this one, and I should've done alot in that considering the events of last night. Mom suggested I keep a counter this time, so I will.  I don't know how to add it to your profile like I've seen other people do, so I just put it at the top here. It's 1:30 AM and I'm exhausted, so I'm going to keep this one brief. I have narcolepsy and being tired is a huge trigger for me, so I have to watch my sleep carefully. Only reason I'm up this late is because of work.
 

J316

Active Member
Today went well. My biggest struggle was not smoking, but I managed not to. That's five days so far. I spent most of the day working on refinishing some old furniture and then went to work. My mom is concerned that I'm lying about smoking, but I'm not. I guess there's no real way to prove that though, I'll just have to continue being honest and trustworthy and not give her reason to mistrust me. I understand that this is a hole I've dug for myself, but it still is really REALLY frustrating to have to go through life thinking "Ok, how can I prove that I'm doing what I'm doing right now?" Beyond frustrating. It makes it worse that I know that it's 100% my fault that I have to do that to give my parents peace of mind.
 

J316

Active Member
Spent the day moving my sister in to college. Felt kinda sad about it all, because I'm commuting this semester basically because I can't be trusted to live alone. This makes me feel all sorts of ashamed and incompetent. What I need to focus on is hating what this addiction has taken from me, and not what recovery is "taking" from me. Recovery isn't taking anything at all from me. Recovery is going to get me back those things I want. Addiction is what has taken everything away, slowly but surely. It's addiction, not recovery, that makes me feel like a failure. Ironically enough, feeling that way makes me want to run and comfort myself in my addiction. Part of my ritual was acting out with others online via kik or snapchat or similar messaging apps. It made me feel better about myself because then other people were paying attention to me in what I thought was a positive way. I need to recognize my self-esteem issue more, because most of the time I don't really think of myself as having low self-esteem, but I do. Yeah I think I'm a good guy and all, but for some reason or another I still don't think highly of myself. Basically, I feel like I'm a good person only on the outside. I do good things and am nice to people in person, but this addiction is like a hidden Dr. Jekyll. That's actually the perfect simile, because Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide was written as a metaphor for alcoholism. I need to find ways to remind myself daily that I'm not Dr. Jekyll. I'm not scum. I'm not the person who toys with other people's emotions and manipulates them. All of that is what I act like when I allow the addiction to take over, but that doesn't make it who I am.
 

J316

Active Member
Thanks willtochange. Good to know someone's reading these.

I meant to start doing these earlier in the day instead of late at night when I'm tired, but I forgot today and now I'm tired. Parents are upset because I decided to go watch the movie sausage party with a friend of mine. They object to the type of humor and the content of that movie, and they think that because of my problems I shouldn't be viewing material like that. The movie contained a hell of a lot of sexually charged humor and situations, but it's an animated movie about food being alive, so all of the sexual jokes are being made by hot dogs and other various food items. To me it's just a funny joke and a cartoon, I don't find anything triggering about it. My Mom and Dad say it's the mindset that I have to fight; the mindset that that type of thing is "normal" or "ok." Can someone else please offer their thoughts on this? Because I'm torn. I'm trying to turn over a new leaf and accept help and advice, but I don't see anything wrong with it. My parents seem VERY adamant, though. What are other people's thoughts on this? Is sexualized humor something I should be making an effort to avoid?

Other than that little sidebar, today went well. Spent most of the day hanging out with my sister because she leaves for college tomorrow. After tomorrow both of my sisters will have left for college and I'll be a commuting student. I've already discussed my feelings on that, but I expect it will get harder once she leaves tomorrow and I'm left alone here with my parents. I'm very nervous that they're going to drive me insane with constant "important" conversations and the like. Praying that doesn't happen. I mean, I know it's important to talk about these things but sometimes I need a break. I can't focus and dwell on heavy stuff 24/7.
 

willtochange

Active Member
I do agree with your parents on this one, i couldn't find this movie funny do to it's vulgarity and cursing. I also think staying away from anything sexually suggestive is a good idea. It can just bring some memories up you know, and that can be a big trigger for some.

I also agree that you can't dwell on heavy stuff 24/7 there has to be some form of balance. Sometimes i think constantly focusing on our addictions instead of doing things to replace it or thinking of other things that are beneficial to us can do more damage then good. Keep your head up, bud. Also i just went back and read your whole journal i'd love to be an accountability partner for you if you would like that. We can message on here and i can give you my email etc if you'd like. I'd be willing to talk on the phone etc to check in or if you need a buddy to talk with.
 
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