Walking Them No-PMO Shoes

About three or four months ago, I came to RebootNation searching for support on the No-PMO journey, which, while it wasn't entirely new to me, seemed a herculean path to go it alone. Had some successes and drawbacks here and there, but some point along december I couldn't keep myself controlled. I returned to PMO and couldn't get away from it.

December ended up being quite a heavy month to me. The girl I was dating applied for an interexchange program. I discovered the root of my emotional problems. Had casual sex with a colleague of mine -- it felt awful.

My new year started with big debt bills, a forced breakup and no desire whatsoever for looking for sex.
That put me in a big dillema, in which I didn't feel any motivation to go on abstinence, as it would put me to chase women again.

The addiction got stronger, and slowly the world seemed to become more gloomish.
So, I returned here. Got some good enough reasons to start over again and dropping on porn.

I'm starting No-PMO again. I'll adress the next questions later on.

For now, it's just good to be here again. One day at a time.
Friends, sorry for not showing up. I'm back.

Let's jam this together.

Cheers,
L.

[Day 1]

Today it all started pretty roughly.
I've been working on a night shift in a bar. Whenever they call me, I'm there for the night. This puts me in a double routine, since I already attend to a part-time job at morning. So after working two nights in a row, I woke up beaten and tired... at 10:40AM. Couldn't attend to my early day work. Feels a bit shit about that.

I don't believe I would be taking this job at the bar if it weren't for the money. I got two large skipped bills to pay, and they will have a huge impact on me in the next month if I don't start collecting money now.

As for the No-PMO subject, had some "morning emotions" early in the day, but didn't attended to them.

First one gone, many yet to come. Let's do it.

Cheers,
L.

Welcome back 

Sounds like you have a rough time. Better days will come.

[Day 2]

Had it better than yesterday.
Went to work today morning, managed to do all my stuff and also finish some stuff related to my part-time job. One weight less on the back of my mind.

Also, received this morning that my shortstories were approved to the state's literary prize award. For the first time, I'm running for one of the most respectable awards of my country. That doesn't mean much more than the fact that the stories met the minimum character count and the format is set, but I'm glad I did something out of this vacation time. Now's to wait until mid-june, when the result comes.

Today I went reading stories from Scot Sothern, a photographer that does an amazing job taking pictures and telling stories of his encounters with prostitutes and other "lowlives". His texts and photos were highly NSFW, but even more unarousing. There's something just different about nude/art photography, they don't arouse me at all. I'm not sure if it's entirely a PMO-related thing or a different take on nudity. Time will tell, regardless.

Anyways, on No-PMO: hadn't many urges today, except for when I was lying on my bed in the afternoon. Had some fantasizing with past girls and felt some desires. Cut them as soon as they arised. MO is not an option either.

Spent all the afternoon gaming and sleeping. Might be some tools to take it easy, might be some tools of avoidance.

Second one done, many more to come.

Cheers,
L.

[Day 3]

Since I went to sleep really late last night, I woke up in the middle of the afternoon.
Spent the rest of my time binge-playing and drinking soda. Perhaps it's the high dose of dopamine associated with these activities, but I didn't miss a thing about PMO.

It's not an option, anyway.

At night, I went to the bar to work at my night shift. No-PMO starts to impact my vision on women: again I catch myself looking at them. Today, however, it wasn't the abstinence that bothered me.

I met one of my exes tonight at the bar, where she was hanging out with her friends. Meeting her was uncomfortable, and I felt really awkward by having to pass around her table or to deal with what her group asked for. Part of that was because that group came from a rich background and they could see me at disposable/low-value.

Crazy thoughts, I know, but not all that unreal. Working with services make you somewhat less of a human to drunk people sometimes.

I saw myself deeply distracted for her presence. Not in a romantic way, though -- it was more of a vengeful/sour one. None of my bad thoughts happened at all ? in fact, one of her friends treated me really kindly. So it's clear to me that I was feeling remains of unsolved shit with myself.

Might become totally off-topic (sorry in advance), but I feel that has to be explained: I had a relationship where I developed limerence for her. In short, it's when you start to see your loved one as an object of desire, having intense mood swings ranging between euphoria and despair based on her reactions to you. Also, it involves a lot of fantasizing, even years after breaking up, where you two meet again and the (frequently fantastic) conditions put yourself to deal with her again.

Add these conditions to a relationship where she started because she wanted to forget her last boyfriend, and you can see how fucked up it gets.

We broke up two years ago, in such a way that left me deeply wounded. And since I had limerence for her, it wasn't unusual to see me daydreaming with some sort of social revenge or something like that. To see her paying for everything, suffering as much as I did on the trip where we broke up.

Felt really fucked up and desiring to smoke a cigarrete when the shift ended, but realized I'd be just fleeing from my problems. Cigs weren't an option either. "This is life," I said to myself, "and won't be smooth every day." And No-PMO is surely linked to that decision. By slowly cutting my biggest outlets (alcohol and PMO), I could see my problems more clearly. And muster my courage to deal with them.

To this day, I'm still treating my limerence traits. Part of the treatment involves you to settle your stuff with your past and family, other part also involves abstaining from emotional relationships and sex. So, yeah, another big reason to keep with this journey on.

Third one done, many more to come.

Cheers,
L.

[Day 4]

Woke up really late and had another day of gaming and lazy diet. So much sugar on my body makes me feel crampled and dull.
I guess it's time to bounce back and plan my routine in a way I can work out in a really short time.
Madbarz can help, but the space where I train is so boring I don't feel motivated to do it so. Would need a better smartphone that support newer apps, but so far I'm short of money and got other priorities. Besides, my routine's about to change, so it also got to be carefully planned.

My ex-roomie came to my place so we played some games together, chatted a lot and ordered some pizza to eat.
Socializing is a good experience, and chatting with this friend was more engaging than usual. No-PMO benefits, I believe.

Also, caught myself looking on Facebook for hot chicks. PMO substitute, no less. Stopped as soon as I realized what I was doing.
Had this huge, massive late-night boner when I went to sleep. Again, let it pass. PMO is not an option.

Fourth day done, many more to come.

Cheers,
L.

[Day 5]

As before, had some poor quality sleep last night. Decided to, starting today, do some meditation before hitting the bed earlier.
Ended up eating the pizza leftovers and slept all afternoon. Woke up feeling lazy and worn.

Spent a long time browsing YouTube videos, playing games, only to feel really bored.
It's dopamine. Craves are going to become more intense from now on.

When looking for games, stumbled with a NSFW game that contained p-subs. Took some effort, but I managed to stay away from it.
Besides that, I found myself sometimes searching for girls on Facebook, only to browse for them photos.
As soon as I catch myself doing it, I'm cutting. Don't need another P-sub. What I need is to find a healthy activity to direct it.

Best moments of the day were when I readied some pages of this awesome book I'm reading, and when I organized my bills. Next month I'll be debt-free, and will finally start to get the stuff I want. This makes me happy, and it was also a sign that I managed to deal with my errors and fix them.

Set some plans for tomorrow. I'll do it.

Realized that had no space to put it today, but still gotta chant the mantra. PMO is not an option.

Fifth day done, many more to come.

Cheers,
L.

[Day 6]
Still not able to wake up early like I wanted to. Job was a total bore in the morning.
I'm suffering from some serious unmotivation to do my own chores, so I procrastinated the entire day. To the point that, to be able to pay the bills, I decided to go to the bank before coming home. After that, slept all afternoon like a motherfucker and went to fill the bar's night shift.

I find it really hard to adjust my sleeping schedule because I have no regularity. Double journey is fucking my ass up and I don't feel that I can stabilize myself.
Sometimes it seems society obliges us of so much stuff and we can't do shit. Like, pay bills, earn money, be rich, eat healthy, do exercise, have sex, follow your passions, et cetera. Fuck, I can barely sleep well lately.

Anyways, sorry for the rant, had to vent this steam out.

On No-PMO subject: when sleeping, got myself fantasizing a lot about hot times with girls. Dreams are becoming more sexual. When working at the night shift, couldn't help but notice women around me. When in public places, that's not much a problem. When at home, I just let it go away. PMO is not an option.

Sixth day done, many more to come.

Hanging tough,
L.

[Day 7]

Managed to go through the 1st week. I'm surprised. Positively surprised.

Woke up kind of late again today. After doing my work chores, decided to give me a nice afternoon:
Ate in a cheap-but-good restaurant, paid some bills, attended to another job interview. Went to the barber shop to trim my hair (I'm letting it grow, but some volume maintenance is necessary) and ended it by buying some groceries stuff.

After that, ended up sleeping a bit and ate some stuff.
The games on my computer are becoming less and less interesting, to the point I ended up deleting two of them tonight.
Meanwhile, reading has been more rewarding. Perhaps it has to do to the liking I took to the book I'm reading.

On No-PMO subject: Throughout the day, had way less sexual thoughts in comparison to the rest of the week. Same thing happened while I slept.

Seventh day done, many more to come.

Hanging tough,
L.

[Day 8]

Again woke up late. Yeah, it's becoming a trend. Started playing some games at Lumosity so I could train my brain.
If I got free time, better use it to good, right?

Managed to tackle my bad habits with small rewards. For every time I do something I have to do, I eat a small portion of dark chocolate. This is settled to a max of 2 blocks per day, so I won't be overfilling me with sugar. Besides, I chose the healthiest one I could.

I baked a good orange cake. It tasted nice and sweet, so I invited my ex-roomie to come over and chat. We had some coffee and spent the end of the afternoon watching YouTube videos and laughing our asses off. The only thing that bothers me is that he is having a lot of sexual experiences and he's full of concerns. It's hard for me to completely stay away from sex for now, it seems that I am losing something.

Then again, I remember that he doesn't suffer from the same condition I do. And unlike him, I don't enjoy sex without meaning either.

Our time together made me remind of the common saying, "what you resists, persists". When it comes to No-PMO, it's not about something that'll never leave us. It's more about every time you aim to do a change, you'll feel that the very effort that you make pushes you back on the same intensity. It's a natural reaction, until you build momentum and the resistance won't be able to stop you.

Caught myself on thought like that because today, at the bar, I saw one girl I had a casual affair. She was hot and also didn't seemed to notice me. My colleagues, aware of the situation, said that she was only doing drama. When she actually came to greet me, I answered as casual as possible. I might feel attraction for her, but I don't want her in a real sense. I'm not coming with excuses: when we made out, it felt flat and artificial. I tried to meet her again, but she never made time to see me. You guys get the point.

On No-PMO subject: one of the portals I follow posted an erotic photoshoot of a girl. I went to check her, ended up googling and seeing some light nudity. P-Sub. Managed to brush off, but gotta be very careful and hold my curiousity when I stumble on these: they are triggers.

PMO is not an option. Gotta remind me of that.

Hanging tough,
L.

Good progress bro!

I find it easier to just avoid social media all together. I sometimes robotically sign in to facebook and end up just checking out ex's and hotties. Today I caught myself doing the same thing but stopped before signing in and came on here instead! My main issue is boredom.

You are right white knuckling it is no good. Its like putting a cover on a pot of boiling water trying to control it like that will make it eventually spill over. Rather try to  flow like water, flow around the rocks and other blocks, without dwelling on it, just get up and go. I dont know what else to say, Im bored... haha

Ill leave you with this.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQ683zlrUSI

Devo22 said:

Good progress bro!

I find it easier to just avoid social media all together. I sometimes robotically sign in to facebook and end up just checking out ex's and hotties. Today I caught myself doing the same thing but stopped before signing in and came on here instead! My main issue is boredom.

You are right white knuckling it is no good. Its like putting a cover on a pot of boiling water trying to control it like that will make it eventually spill over. Rather try to  flow like water, flow around the rocks and other blocks, without dwelling on it, just get up and go. I dont know what else to say, Im bored... haha

Ill leave you with this.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQ683zlrUSI

Click to expand...

Hey Devo22,

Thanks for your sharing. Good to see I'm not the only one who had this struggles with social media.
I'm not going cold turkey on games and facebook because it would be too hard to take on my dopamine crave. I must admit, though, the only rewarding experience I take from there is to talk to my friends that are far away from where I live. And for games, I'm searching for ones that work more on mind stimulus, like puzzles, logic exercises and Lumosity.

Yah, acceptance and no-resistance is the best way to deal with that. That entire Bruce Lee speech is awesome. Thanks for the reminder!

Cheers,
L.

[Day 9]

Woke up and went to my part-time job late again. In there, played some brain games. I'm getting good results on reflex and reactions. Feels like I should train more memorization and logic, though.

Ended up sleeping all afternoon. During the free time at night, I cooked, watched some animes, played some games and shaved my beard.

Had no struggles with No-PMO.
When walking through the streets, got myself looking to women here and there.
Body's speaking again. But gotta wait for now.

Ninth day done, many more to come.

Cheers,
L.

In the long run I recommend you stay away from any drama. Meaning confusing acting affairs and ex girlfriends. No need to repel them but be indifferent towards them.

Emotionally you were "all in" as a poker player would say and when you lost your girlfriend you were traumatized. I was never the type of guy to cling on people but once a very good friendship of mine ended really badly and it took almost three years for me to get over this.

If you recovered more from porn you should consider a bigger lifestyle change. Maybe you have to move somewhere else if you need to get away from your ex girlfriend. I can kind of understand your pain and you cannot live like this forever.

For now stay strong. No worries about looking at women. Your mind will be clearer soon.

Cheers!

Diesel driver said:

In the long run I recommend you stay away from any drama. Meaning confusing acting affairs and ex girlfriends. No need to repel them but be indifferent towards them.

Emotionally you were "all in" as a poker player would say and when you lost your girlfriend you were traumatized. I was never the type of guy to cling on people but once a very good friendship of mine ended really badly and it took almost three years for me to get over this.

If you recovered more from porn you should consider a bigger lifestyle change. Maybe you have to move somewhere else if you need to get away from your ex girlfriend. I can kind of understand your pain and you cannot live like this forever.

For now stay strong. No worries about looking at women. Your mind will be clearer soon.

Cheers!

Click to expand...

Hey DDriver,

Thanks so much for the reply. You were right about the all-in part in relationships. Although it seemed similar on the last case I used to report here in RebootNation, I was moving way more carefully. My last relationship haven't left me with any trauma, but some past ones, as you could see, are entirely different stories.

I can't move away from here now since I'm finishing my degree on journalism. But I do, in fact, consider a bigger lifestyle change, aiming to attempt to finish my studies in another country. As for her, we don't see each other often, but our social circles have some people in common, meaning that to stumble in each other is a possibilty sometimes.

Nevertheless I'm taking that advice to the heart. Mindfulness, meditation and awareness of my psychological problems are doing their parts on the healing.

Also, thank you so much for the empathy. Feels good to know we're not alone sometimes.

Cheers,
L.

[Day 10]

As I had problems with sleep yesterday, somehow I managed the miracle to woke up at 11AM.
That gave me time to organize what's coming through the day.

Invited my best buddy to come over my place. He's a great supporter of this journey to No-PMO, self-discovery and emotional recovery.
I cooked a meal for us, we had nice conversations and even played some music together. Definitely, spending time with friends is a good "tool for bonding".

One strange event of today. My bar shift started earlier today, but due to some problems, there were no work. I sat with my boss and he went over to a girl he saw on the street -- a casual relationship of his -- having this huge sexual conversation. She was making intense eye contact with me, even when I was barely talking. After some minutes of talking, they went to the bathroom to have sex.

It lasted less than ten minutes. Enough time for me to ponder in my mixed feelings.
The animal in me desired to be in that situation, fucking hot chicks in the bar's toilet before work.
Then again I took time to consider about the girl, the meaning of the act and everything else. It sounded purposeless in the end.

I guess that's the main difference. It's not that I don't feel sexual desire or arousal. I'm just measuring the weights and consequences of sex. I know I want sex. But I want it with meaning. That's why I'm not much worried about when I'm going to get laid again.

On No-PMO subject: caught myself being more "flirty" with my bar colleague. I praised her looks (got a cheeky "thanks"... I think) and spent more time talking to her. In a moment I got myself planning to call her on a date, but my objectives stood stronger. If it's to happen with her, it's not now. No rush, kid.

Tenth day done, many more to come.

Hanging tough,
L.

[Day 11]

Okay, today I really screwed up.

Woke up late around 1PM. Since it was sunday, I felt really unmotivated to do my chores.
Spent all the day lazing my ass off and playing games. Only took a small brief time to buy groceries on the grocery store.

While I was shopping, my mom called me. She was worried because I wasn't online at Whatsapp. That lead to a small argument.
Her defense was that "she's a mother, she cares and I wouldn't understand". That kind of behaviour, although initially appreciated, means that she haven't freed herself from me, being unable to carry with her own life. That sustain her part of a Parental Rescuing Fantasy, in which I am dependant of her and she takes care of me, like the child I am.

Thing is, I'm far from being a child anymore.

After that, spent my entire night watching an anime. It was a good story, but I'm having trouble to define the borderline between enjoyment and bingewatching. No-PMO effects, maybe? I think so.

That's it. I'm still looking for some ways to equilibrate my sleep schedule, as I'm going to start night work.
In before I'm well aware I need to exercise again if I am to rest better.

Eleventh day done, many more to come.

Hanging tough,
L.

[Day 12]

Things got messy.

Monday I woke up around midday.
Started to work in the afternoon so I could compensate for the lost time.
I definitely don't feel worthy at my work. I spent my entire time listening to 50 Cent and studying an essay about theory of blackmailing.
To a personal level, it gives me range to do what I want. But, fuck that. I feel so worthless in here.

When I barely got back home, I was called to late shift work. I'll definitely need to define days where I can free work or else I'm fucked.

As for No-PMO, nothing new so far.

Twelfth day done, many more to come.

Hanging tough,
L.

Generally speaking your life sounds kinda cool, much more social than mine.

Taking small steps are a sure way to reach any goal. Knowing what's up is the first step. I believe in you.

Diesel driver said:

Generally speaking your life sounds kinda cool, much more social than mine.

Taking small steps are a sure way to reach any goal. Knowing what's up is the first step. I believe in you.

Click to expand...

Hey DDriver,

Both my undegrad/trainee job in Journalism and night shift at the bar are very social jobs.  All of them have me talking to people, exchanging information and "reading them".
It can be awesome, especially for extrovert people... but I'm a more introverted kind of guy.
Not that I don't enjoy it, but it definitely drains my energy quicker than some other tasks, like studying, for example.

Thanks so much for the support!