aquarius25
Respected Member
So we have this neighbor. Over the course of our friendship (my husband and I with him and his wife) we have started a bible study and prayer group and have connected. My husband shared about his porn addiction. My neighbor admitted he had the same struggle. He was 4 months clean, which is great! Then a few weeks later he slipped up again. My husband offered to be an accountability partners and he said that would be great but every time my husband reached out to check in he would say things like "yeah man, it's going fine". No real specifics. After some time had passed it became a topic that never really came up at all. His wife pretends like everything is fine but anytime the topic did come up, I could see the hurt and discomfort in her eyes. It really broke my heat, being the wife of a PA myself. I try to be encouraging and positive. I have a journal and I just write about my day. If it came up in conversation that day I usually write in my journal about it because I am noting my thoughts, feelings, and triggers regarding the situation. As I was reflecting on the last 1 1/2 years I noticed a pattern. He would slip up but have only encouraging words. Like I slipped up and PMO'd today but I am going to get back on the saddle again. I will not let this get me down, and so forth. I have always considered this good and I would always be in agreement but there doesn't seem to be a behavior change to follow the words. At some point the words just feel like words and I find myself more hesitant to be in agreement when there isn't action behind it.
Seeing this pattern me wondering where is the line between positive encouragement and enabling. His wife is still hurting and every time there is a slip up the trust gets eroded more and more. I have been curious about this and have been reading a ton of the journals on here and making notes as far as progress and slip ups and language and I am noticing a trend. When someone who slips up and only says positive things but doesn't really notate, analyze and take sock of the triggers that got them there and make a plan to try and set them up for success then they seem to have a much higher likely hood of relapse. Those that are very diligent about journaling, learning, digging into root causes and so forth seem to be more successful. I am not saying to shame yourself and I am not saying that positivity is bad but without action backing it up it seems to not be very helpful.
Of course this is just what I have been noticing, I could be way off base. I want to be encouraging to my neighbor but I also am not interested in saying words to only make him feel better if he isn't really ready to put in the hard work of consistency and change in daily behavior. Where is the line? Thoughts from others who are currently experiencing this same struggle?
Sorry for the long wordy post, lol.
Seeing this pattern me wondering where is the line between positive encouragement and enabling. His wife is still hurting and every time there is a slip up the trust gets eroded more and more. I have been curious about this and have been reading a ton of the journals on here and making notes as far as progress and slip ups and language and I am noticing a trend. When someone who slips up and only says positive things but doesn't really notate, analyze and take sock of the triggers that got them there and make a plan to try and set them up for success then they seem to have a much higher likely hood of relapse. Those that are very diligent about journaling, learning, digging into root causes and so forth seem to be more successful. I am not saying to shame yourself and I am not saying that positivity is bad but without action backing it up it seems to not be very helpful.
Of course this is just what I have been noticing, I could be way off base. I want to be encouraging to my neighbor but I also am not interested in saying words to only make him feel better if he isn't really ready to put in the hard work of consistency and change in daily behavior. Where is the line? Thoughts from others who are currently experiencing this same struggle?
Sorry for the long wordy post, lol.