Hello, all.
?Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.?
~ Viktor E. Frankl.
I am a man in control of himself.
My Journey:
While this journey toward freedom started for me back on July 17th, 2003, when it was divulged (to my wife of now 20 years) that I had been periodically visiting porno bookstores, my fight goes further back when as a Christian I entered a sexual addiction of sorts back in the summer of 1993. Being a part of a cult-like and spiritually abusive church didn't help matters any, as the hyper moralization of sexuality, mixed with my loveless upbringing, and finding pornography on the play ground as a 4th or 5th grader, all mixed together to bring me into a place of addiction. Also, as a teenager, there was a major traumatic event that played a formative role also.
I've been struggling with what has been [mostly] an addiction to soft core pornography (though with the occasional hardcore), including masturbation and edging, since 1993, with this struggle being revealed since 2003. I've tried accountability, and certain 'Christian recovery' type of groups since, but with minimal change of behavior.
Back Story:
In seeking to understand my obsessive behaviors, it was important for me to unravel my story pretty far back- the neglect suffered as a child, not just from nutritional sustenance, but more importantly emotional nurturing.
This neglect was compounded by an absent father (who left when I was 4), and a verbally abusive mother who would shame me by calling me degrading and insulting names.
By the time I was in the 7th grade, I was ready to commit suicide. I don't think I had the nerve, but was often contemplating it. Due to some Catholic literature I read at the time, I decided to let my story continue, and see what the next chapter had in store.
It seemed interesting to me that, during each traumatic event in my life, there was promiscuous sex, porn or masturbation that was ironically presented to me in some form or other, as if it were my savior.
The most pronounced example of this time was when I was raped by a man as a runaway teenager living on the streets.
There were other events where, for example while feeling low, would find [printed] pornography on the streets. Or, once when I was caught trying to 'dine-and-dash' from a local restaurant as a 14 year old, a prostitute lady offered to take me to her home. I remember being mystified at different women going in and out of a room. In went a blonde, out came a brunette later on- I didn't know what was going on in that smokey and dimly lit environment.
Once I became a Christian back in 1985, my life did change. I had lust and masturbation issues, but received a limited time of victory from these in 1990-91. This was the best time of freedom in my younger life.
Then I met my wife-to-be. We dated, she was a virgin still when we married 3 years later, but during our dating there was much heavy petting- which caused a big deal of shame in me at the time, as I was a member of a very legalistic church.
During our dating, in the early days, there was a lot of rejection and acceptance from her that kind of caused a constant replaying of rejection and abandonment issues. I was emotionally very needy.
One night I decided to tell her of what happened to me when I was a teenager, and she rejected me at that time for having been the victim of a crime that I had no culpability in. This sparked what has been a 20 plus year addiction that carried over into our marriage.
We've long since worked these things out between us, and she knows the dynamics of it all.
Before Reboot Nation:
Prior to 1995 (between 1993 and 1995) Had an obsession with prostitutes and red light districts, interacting, yet not toward actual sex.
Prior to 7/17/01 (between 1993-2001) I was acting out in various ways up to 3 times a week, and visited porno bookstores about 6 times.
Between 2001 and 2013, had varying degrees of success, albeit mediocre, leaving the actual addiction still intact.
A year (more or less) prior to joining Reboot Nation, I was acting out on average about once a week, having had a former personal best of
52 days, which I couldn't at that time get back to. There was also many moments of white-knuckling and edging.
God's Grace:
Even after my understanding these things in their psychological context as far back as 2000-03, I still couldn't break free until I began to learn about God's radical grace toward me. Not until I learned how to accept God's unconditional love for me, could I break free from the shame that kept me bound, despite efforts to quit.
What's really helpful to me right now is understanding God's grace, as these sexual issues have been highly moralized under 'law' ("...thou shalt not")- yet instead, this grace says to me, "You are loved and forgiven of
all your sins, no matter what!"- all of my sins when Christ died on the cross, were
all yet future. This means that as far as God's concerned, I'm utterly and completely forgiven, and not only that- but I'm righteous (in right-standing with God), holy and sanctified (set apart)- regardless of how my behavior is- good or bad. All that is needed is to renew my mind to the truth.
The above was so important for me to grasp, as toxic shame and a legalistic mentality were what was driving these addictions and obsessions.
My Purpose Here:
I've received a lot of healing in my life so far, and hope to be of encouragement to others on the same journey, whether they're believers or not, we're all human and we all need healing from our brokenness in this area, as these sexual hangups are more symptomatic of deeper issues.
Why 'The End of all Flesh'?
My over all plan began as 120 days without acting out, and from there, to just live life free of it. Yet, as this was not immediately achieved due to a couple of set backs, the 120 Days are now seen as spiritual- as it's not about counting days, but making the days count; it's about progress not perfection.
This number represents the 'end of all flesh' and the beginning of life in the Spirit (see Gen 6:3, 13; Acts 1:15; 2:1-4). This is available to any of us, not after a literal 120 days, but as soon as we believe the gospel. It's simply life in the Spirit, and not in the flesh, as that was crucified away with Christ.
Peace and love to all.
After the 120 Day and the 90 Day Goals:
I've enjoyed the most amount of time from this addiction, without lapsing, with lengthy 'streaks', but see the counting of days now as counter productive (no pun intended). In order for me to track lapses, a new tracking system is developed in the next post below.
Helpful Links:
12 Principles of Recovery
10 Big Ideas About Ending Habits/Addictions- Dr. Amy Johnson
The 5 Components of Resisting Urges to Binge- Kathryn Hansen
Before You Lapse or Relapse!
One Year on Reboot Nation!
My List of High Risk Thought Processes
The Power of Choice
Reasons to Hate PMO
Motivational Statements
List of Helpful Websites
A.W.A.R.E.
Lust? Fantasies? Try the 2-Second Rule
Recovery Timeline.