Beginning my journey for me

So I've been wanting to start a journal and tell people about this, but there is no one in my life who I can tell this to. Accountability doesn't work for me with people I know. Every time I've told someone, whenever they do their part and check up on me, I just lie because in the moment I am afraid to let them down, whether it's a legitimate fear or not. Here I do not have that fear. Everyone is in the same boat and so hopefully I can finally have the open honesty I need to help me get over this. Now to introduce myself....

I am 24 years old and married (she doesn't know about any of this). I first got into porn when I was 13 and have been on and off ever since. By on and off I mean I'll go on a 3 month long binge, try to quit for 2 weeks before relapsing into another month long binge. The longest I've ever stayed away is about 2 months. Close enough to actually get a taste of what feeling clean might actually be like. But alas no, here I am.

Because of my addiction to porn for the last 11 or so years (almost half my life), I feel like it's kept me from doing what I want to do and being who I want to be. By now, I had envisioned having graduated with a bachelors degree, getting started on a career and going after my hopes and dreams. Instead I'm driving Uber for a living and have a total of 9 college credits to my name with an amount in my bank account to match. I won't go as far as to say that porn is the direct cause of all this. But, I know that because of it severely affecting the way my brain works, I have had very little motivation to actually do the stuff that will get me to where I want to go.

So here I am. Pouring my heart out in some small way as I work to rid myself of this disease. I want to do more with my life than collect a virtual harem in a favorites list. I want to do things like get a degree, do fulfilling work and most importantly be a better husband. I ceremoniously emptied all of my favorites lists (which was not at all easy) and closed all of my porn site accounts today. For me, this is day 1. I am moving forward and quitting with a dedication I have never had before. I know I won't be perfect and might slip up once or twice, but I am determined to try. Thank you to everyone in advance for being here to help. 

Good luck!

Just give yourself realistic goals, like a week or a month, and when you reach your goal just add another week or month.

This is really hard to quit. Stay strong and post often. It helps to maintain focus.

One thing that helps me is staying off social media, it is to easy to become "inspired" by so particularly attractive humans. Also I tend to enjoy a nice walk in the evenings to help me sort through my thoughts. Probably just limit your internet time in general. If you read through other journals you are bound to pick up a few more useful tips

Thanks mousemat and north cold. Both good advice.

Day 2

Today was pretty uneventful. Things that popped up on youtube, facebook, tv, etc. that normally would've sent me on my way to a porn site didn't have much effect on me today. There were no real temptations to speak of all the way up to about half an hour ago. Without any apparent trigger, a video that I haven't watched or thought about in YEARS popped into my mind and stuck itself there, begging me to try and find it again for about 20 minutes. If I hadn't deleted my accounts yesterday, I probably would've tried to find it and put it in my favorites "for later." Fortunately, was able to distract myself and think about something else, but it took a huge effort. I'm proud that I can call today a win. 

You have a winning attitude. Godspeed.

Day 38

During the past month I feel like I made some serious rebooting progress. I read scriptures everyday, started training for a marathon that I want to do next year, and (POSSIBLE TRIGGERS AHEAD) sex with my wife felt better than it ever has before and she's made the comment multiple times that I feel bigger than normal.

After a little more than a month of staying away from PMO I had a relapse today. The past few days I just felt consistently turned on and even after sex with my wife, the feeling would come back quickly. Finally, when my wife was a sleep and unavailable I felt like I just had to release it somehow and so like an unhealthy dieter binge eating at an all you can eat buffet I PMOed multiple times this evening.

After being away from it for a month I can definitely feel the distinct low afterwards. As a precaution I've downloaded a porn filter. Does anyone have any advise on how to get momentum back and recover from a relapse?