Hey Gracie!
I am here because a year and a half ago, I discovered my husband's porn use.
You are an amazing person and I am thankful for women like you who are compassionate and supportive. Your insight and experience will surely help many other partners, as well as addicts who need to hear that honesty and openness are good things.
Good to be in a place that will hopefully not be upset when we talk about the feelings we have being betrayed.
Your experience is your experience and no one can tell you otherwise. If you ever feel like anyone breaks any of these rules stated in the registration agreement:
- No ad hominem attacks.
- Be positive and supportive.
- Respect that others may have a different approach.
- Everyone has the right to an opinion.
- We are all here to help one another.
- If you don't have anything positive to contribute please don't comment.
Message me or a forum moderator and we will take care of it ASAP.
The first question I will ask is, when a woman gets sick, why does a man turn to porn rather than talk to a wife of 25 years about what she could do? or in light of the added chores, decides porn is the way to unwind
If a guy has been watching porn for years, he has sexually conditioned himself to want and not a real partner. When his brains reward circuit has become "numbed" , things like spending time with a sick wife, waiting for sex until she gets better, and doing chores around the house, will not register as rewarding. It takes some time off the super stimulation of porn for guys to appreciate the little things and be willing to wait for the the bigger things. In a way porn programs us for "instant gratification" and we become impatient and irritated with waiting and chores, so we take the highway created in our brain to pleasure-ville, instead of paving a new road. The easy way out, and it is what we wired our brains to do. A guy has to get to a place where he understands that highway (porn) will not lead him to a place of sustaining joy that a loving partner like you can.
Also, could be due to laziness, a lack of discipline, or simply selfishness. This was true for me in past relationships. I was selfish, I valued my pleasure, and joy over partners. Also, I never developed the discipline to stay focused on a relationship. You are well aware that long term monogamous relationships take effort from both partners, and it takes going through a little discomfort every now and then that I never went through. So when things turned sour after the "honeymoon" phase I resorted back to my childish ways. Playing games and watching porn, instead of pursuing a woman's heart, with time, thoughtfulness, and passion. For me, it was selfishness. I can only see it now that I am on the other side.
Also, guys usually do not put themselves in their partners shoes. For instance, if guys really sat back and thought about how it would feel if their partner secretly watched porn all the time, and was searching types of porn that do not necessarily match the type of person they are, I think they would feel differently about their porn viewing habits.
Ultimately it comes down to a guy not understanding that staying away from porn and exclusively giving himself to his partner will lead to greater joy, and in my opinion more pleasure. Finding out porn was keeping me from experiencing the most joy and pleasure in life, was key to me giving up porn for good. I believe we do everything for our own joy, some people just have different beliefs on how to get their. In my opinion weather we live selfishly or selflessly, we believe that way of living will be the best way. I found out the selfish way was the wrong choice.
Glad you are here, I have read many of your posts and they are always very helpful and encouraging for others!
Much love