Finding freedom by MrClean

mrclean

Member
Day 1

Have ups and downs. Being home alone trying not to binge.

Urges are strong and I hear my defence mechanism's voice "you can do it one more time...."

being aware that there is no tomorrow and my time my decission is here and now

I'm decided to fight
 

mrclean

Member
I surrended to my voice and did it one more time

Note to self:

- when there is fight you gonna loose
- must replan my routines and healthy outcomes

Ok, trying to look ahead and not back. However feel crappy.

Being grateful for myself for all almost 23 hours clean day and about 10 urges I managed to switch into healthy outcomes. It was good sunday anyway ;)
 

mrclean

Member
Day 2/14

my mood is down.
yesterday night was hard. I switched from P to thinking about girls I can date and browsing facebook. However I managed not to take action
slept ~10 hours

Planning not to neglect my healthy routines today, having strong decission and not going back into my deep pit
 

mrclean

Member
Day 2/14

Time slowly goes by however I woke up in quite good and calm mood. Urges still remained however my decission to be strong and clear seems to be stronger than that.

I found out that reading other peoples journals gives me motivation because I feel that my personal struggles are no diffrent than other people and if they are able, so I can do it as well.

My daily practice is important for me. I also found out that listening to motivation staff on youtube while I drive to work gives me extra boost of strength and motivation.

So I'll survive and leave my pit my brothers!

 
Well done man. Good to have a short target for yourself. I do it too.: like 7 days then 10 days..... 
And I rewarded my self too with a break, or a special cafe .....

Keep going.
 

mrclean

Member
Day 3/14

My body is still craving for dopamine. I started to eat in the middle of the night. Some sexual dreams. Urges middle to intense.

 

IWantToLive

Active Member
mrclean said:
Relapsed

Typical for me on friday

Hey buddy, weekends are also tough for me. When I go down the rabbit-hole of PMO, I overeat and drink too much, and waste my time, and ultimately feel sad and depressed.

The solution is to stay really busy so there is no time for the mind to rationalize PMO. I am kickstarting my exercise routine, and it seems to help a lot. I am also going to diet a little to see if that helps. Stay strong!
 

mrclean

Member
IWantToLive said:
mrclean said:
Relapsed

Typical for me on friday

Hey buddy, weekends are also tough for me. When I go down the rabbit-hole of PMO, I overeat and drink too much, and waste my time, and ultimately feel sad and depressed.

The solution is to stay really busy so there is no time for the mind to rationalize PMO. I am kickstarting my exercise routine, and it seems to help a lot. I am also going to diet a little to see if that helps. Stay strong!

Sadly that I even remembered near wendesday about it and planed in my calendar on friday "plan my weekend". Next time I'll just plan instedad of planning planning (heheh). Friday was hard at work so I lost connection to self and this was a straight way of the cliff ;)

I'm recovering now, woke up in morning went strictly into healthy operations mode, went running (10km oh yeah!), clean my house and left my home (now I'm visiting my mother).

While running I was thinking that my decission that porn is not an option should be exactly the same as "heroine is not an option" or "putting gun into my head an firing is not an option" and I felt something light and something of understanding.

I pledged to myself "Using my dick in improper way is not an option" and felt great ;)

IWantToLive, thanks for encouragement my friend. Stay strong also.

 

ulaozin

Active Member
Hey man,

Loved your sense of humor:

"Using my dick in improper way is not an option"

I remember when I had to count the hours I was clean. You may feel this is impossible, or that you will never win this battle, but trust me, you just have to be stubborn like a mule. Eventually you will get to 7 days, and them you will blew it, and them you will get to it again, and maybe again, and you will get to 15, and keep going... If you don't give any truce to the addiction, you will slowly conquer the ability to deny it more and more. You will see it!

Keep pushing!
 

mrclean

Member
@ulaozin

Thank you. I'm grateful for every support. What one man had done others can do as well.

Today second day and I feel strong. Visualising how I'll celebrate my 14th day of being clean.

I feel light and good.

 

mrclean

Member
Day 6

My motivation is strong. Fighting some urges and being carefully watching my attempts to substitute (facebook browsing, fantasy, etc.)

Weekend is comming so I need to carefully plan ahead

So my basic idea is

- go to work, manage to do all my stuff in calm, productive and focused way (in order not to go into stress mode)
- after work dump out all my thoughts to journal in order to feel done about work
- plan max 2 hours of work for weekend (only if I need to)
- go to concert tonight, feel music and relax and celebrate my 6days of being clean
- saturday - long run and streatching
- clean my house, buy some candles, relax even more (meditate and pray)
- meet my ex-girlfriend, maybe got some connection, be careful with sex (maybe time to try sex without o)
- sunday morning - long meditation and reflection on my goals, dreams and actions
- contribute to forum, give some insights or support to all other followers
- do proper personal yournal
- stick to my routine (meditation, excersise every day)
 

mrclean

Member
Starting next week. My decission to go full 90 days is very strong.

Urges higher now so I stick to my recovery and good practices

 

ulaozin

Active Member
Hi MrClean,

It's good to see you are giving all your energy to fight this addiction. Be obstinate and you will overcome it. I saw that you relapsed, and its very good that you discovered that it is easier the second time you try it. Now you know what is to relapse after fighting it for a long time, Try to be aware of this feeling, try to remember how bad and hopeless you were feeling, because this memory will help you to avoid new relapses. Every-time you come back you are stronger. Don't be afraid of doing it again and again. But also be patient with yourself, it will take time.

I read you had some problems with others addictions too. Are you seeing a therapist? It can be helpful.

Take good care!
 

COME?O

Member
We are together in the jig .

Let's get unfortunately I lost to my sick mind .

But I'm in the way, and I 'm going to get , I put a target of 20 days.

Perseverance for all
 

mrclean

Member
ulaozin said:
Hi MrClean,

It's good to see you are giving all your energy to fight this addiction. Be obstinate and you will overcome it. I saw that you relapsed, and its very good that you discovered that it is easier the second time you try it. Now you know what is to relapse after fighting it for a long time, Try to be aware of this feeling, try to remember how bad and hopeless you were feeling, because this memory will help you to avoid new relapses. Every-time you come back you are stronger. Don't be afraid of doing it again and again. But also be patient with yourself, it will take time.

I read you had some problems with others addictions too. Are you seeing a therapist? It can be helpful.

Take good care!

ulaozin thanks for kind words and advice

as for my other addiction I'm regulary attend therapy (personal and group). It's called therapy for addictions. Basically they treat alco, drugs, impulsive buying, sex in very similar way (every addiction has common parts and there is always core issues that can be handled individually)

As for me quiting alcohol was best thing I've done in my life. I don't even know if I'm addicted, however I used alcohol to numb my feelings, so basicly it'll probably become addiction sooner or later. And life become more colorful and deep without alcohol rush in social meetings

However stoping drinking was easy part. Comparing for using porn ;)

Thanks for support man!
 

mrclean

Member
WorkingNOW said:
We are together in the jig .

Let's get unfortunately I lost to my sick mind .

But I'm in the way, and I 'm going to get , I put a target of 20 days.

Perseverance for all

Thanks for support. We'll fight. We'll win. Best of luck for crushing 20days target. You can do it!

 

angrydad

Member
Good to see you closing in fast on your 14 day goal!

I too found quitting alcohol and smoking a lot easier than porn. I thought porn would be easy to quit, I was wrong! This is my first attempt where I have fully committed my efforts to quit porn. Using a journal to help myself be mindful of my thoughts, urges and triggers has proved a great tool and I'm not too sure if I would be at day 9 without it. It looks like you're doing a great job after a few early setbacks, keep up the good work mate.
 

noitan

Member
Hey man, Day 11! Keep it up and don't submitt. I just read your post and my journal, and decided i' ll keep track of your journey, auditing you! hahaha

Let's do it together, day 16 here.
 
Top