Back In Business Again

Hello

Can hardly believe it was 4 years ago that I joined this site. Made some good friends here then but I think we all went our separate ways. I managed a 6 week streak here I remember. For some reason I feel at home at Reboot Nation, I tried NoFap but it was just to BIG, I couldn't get my head around it. Here It feels more contained and straight forward .

I am on day 1 now after doing 1 month on hard mode. In the week before I slipped I began to feel some genuine happiness seeping its way into my heart. The first 3 weeks were like hell for me as I had been in the cycle with pmo and alcohol for about 3 1/2 months and had got really depressed. But yes after 3 weeks of not blowing my custard I felt the lift inside 'Semen Gives You Wings' Unfortunately I was still drinking during that month and had a few to many on friday night and that's what derailed me. Its another thing I abuse so time to let it go as it only has a negative effect. I did quit booze for 8 years in the past so I can do it.

In the last year I have had 2 other streaks of about 90 days with varying levels of purity! The most recent was from March to June time. I was seeing a psychologist (she was gorgeous....typical.. ) And I got into a really good space. Stopped drinking and didn't rub anything the whole time. Funny thing was I started reading about law of attraction and began to visualize the kind of girlfriend I wanted, not a good idea! I ended up looking at non-nude pics on line of these kinds of women. Got very aroused as you can imagine and now I realize it was just my sneaky old porn brain trying to stay alive. I did take a positive from that experience though (By the way I am not recommending this..) in that every time I did this I would get fully aroused and then just say 'NO' and walk away and be fine again, no rubbing at all. What it showed me was that I am stronger than I realized, as my whole life I lived with the experience of 'HAVING' to masterbate if I felt horny, there simply was 'NO OTHER WAY' But I proved that wrong many times over that period. So that was cool.

The effect of pmo on me is shocking...i feel so shitty and fearful the last two days. I have wasted my life energy and I am paying the price now. I had a meal with my family last night and I could hardly look them in the eye and was quiet the whole time. And was getting annoyed with them for talking to much! pmo drains my soul and I feel so diminished in good qualities, gratitude acceptance. I feel a lot better after wring this though and am determined to beat this and live the good life.

Its time to quit porn for good

Its time to quit booze for good

Its time to feel alive again and live a healthy natural life.

Its time to find the inner child and stop being so complicated.

Its time to become my own best friend!


This is a link to my old journal
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=2087.0

That's all for now, very best of luck to everyone!

Hi Dhira.

I, too, am quitting porn and booze, because they are the evils twins that prop each other up.  I joined this site a while ago, like you, but more recently came back to it with my current streak and am doing well.  I don't know how to put a link to my journal here as you did, but please look it up if you're interested.  I hope it may be helpful.

I have learned not to beat myself up if I stumble.  It makes things worse.  I'm using mindfulness meditation as a means to break these habits, which I've been practicing since January, and it's really working. 

"The effect of pmo on me is shocking...i feel so shitty and fearful the last two days. I have wasted my life energy and I am paying the price now. I had a meal with my family last night and I could hardly look them in the eye and was quiet the whole time. And was getting annoyed with them for talking to much! pmo drains my soul and I feel so diminished in good qualities, gratitude acceptance. I feel a lot better after wring this though and am determined to beat this and live the good life. "

  Hi Dhira
                            the above paragraph you wrote really struck a chord  with me  I didn't really know how to explain it  but the line diminished in good qualities  and gratitude acceptance  really hit home    I had been stuck in the pmo cycle for 30 years  but over the last 10 months it I have really cut it back drastically  from  almost every night sometimes for hours  to  quitting for over 100 days  to once every few weeks  and now its been almost 3 weeks  and this time the urges are so tiny  hardly noticeable    But I went through all those years  feeling unworthy of being in the company of others  In the last few years I got involved in a service club and do a considerable amount of volunteering  and I have never had so many compliments on my efforts  I don't think I have ever felt better about myself  Besides not having the time for those long sessions in front of the screen  I now get to feel valued and I am making a difference in the world      Keep up  the efforts  its going to be worth it in the end

        Cheers  Post often it helps me it helps you

Welcome back, Dhira.  Straying from the path is part of the process.

I also find that PMO can induce a couple of days of anxiety, depression, and reclusion afterward.

You have done this before, so you know it's possible.  The first few weeks of hard mode are, well, hard.  It does get easier.  I find that I am suffering from more from troublesome emotions than unbearable cravings these days.  That's not to say there is a persistent, nagging craving I feel.

Keep journaling.  Be curious about your urges.  Let yourself feel them without acting on them.  You can do this.

Wow just got sucker punched for the last week....apologies for not responding sooner. You know how it is when you binged and it takes a little time to come around again. I am gonna nail this.

Inner_Light said:

Hi Dhira.

I, too, am quitting porn and booze, because they are the evils twins that prop each other up.  I joined this site a while ago, like you, but more recently came back to it with my current streak and am doing well.  I don't know how to put a link to my journal here as you did, but please look it up if you're interested.  I hope it may be helpful.

I have learned not to beat myself up if I stumble.  It makes things worse.  I'm using mindfulness meditation as a means to break these habits, which I've been practicing since January, and it's really working. 

Click to expand...

Hello Inner_Light, and thank you.

I like that...evil twins....very evil!

I just screwed up on both fronts quite badly that's why I didn't reply.

Glad the mindfulness is helping you. 1 year ago I did a course in that and got on a good streak, it is powerful. I find consistency difficult though. Love Eckhart Tolle's teaching on it. You have inspired me to get more disciplined.

  Hi Dhira
                            the above paragraph you wrote really struck a chord  with me  I didn't really know how to explain it  but the line diminished in good qualities  and gratitude acceptance  really hit home    I had been stuck in the pmo cycle for 30 years  but over the last 10 months it I have really cut it back drastically  from  almost every night sometimes for hours  to  quitting for over 100 days  to once every few weeks  and now its been almost 3 weeks  and this time the urges are so tiny  hardly noticeable    But I went through all those years  feeling unworthy of being in the company of others  In the last few years I got involved in a service club and do a considerable amount of volunteering  and I have never had so many compliments on my efforts  I don't think I have ever felt better about myself  Besides not having the time for those long sessions in front of the screen  I now get to feel valued and I am making a difference in the world      Keep up  the efforts  its going to be worth it in the end

        Cheers  Post often it helps me it helps you

Click to expand...

Hi joepanic and thanks.

Glad it helped you!

Sounds like you have got into a really good space. Volunteering is a great thing, working without expectation of return makes the heart happy. PMO is a very self centered thing so that sounds like good medicine. I know what you mean about feeling of unworthiness I find reaching out and connecting difficult even posting on line feels weird, but its the addicted ego that doesn't like it. I am tired of letting it run the show and running me into the ground.  There is a quote somewhere to the tune of 'If we always followed the voice of our conscience we would always be happy'.

uncreatedlight said:

Welcome back, Dhira.  Straying from the path is part of the process.

I also find that PMO can induce a couple of days of anxiety, depression, and reclusion afterward.

You have done this before, so you know it's possible.  The first few weeks of hard mode are, well, hard.  It does get easier.  I find that I am suffering from more from troublesome emotions than unbearable cravings these days.  That's not to say there is a persistent, nagging craving I feel.

Keep journaling.  Be curious about your urges.  Let yourself feel them without acting on them.  You can do this.

Click to expand...

Thanks very much for the encouragement uncreatedlight

Yes I have done this before, still stuck in the mud now, I keep messing up!...need to get a few weeks no pmo no booze under my belt and I become a different guy.

Woke up early which is nice. I feel a surge of healthy consciousness the last couple of days, pain initiated I think. Going to feed the good wolf for a while and see where he takes me. Such a relief not to have a hangover! I told my house mate about my decision to stop drinking, just to make it more real. Drinking and pmo sessions scare me...

Thank you for the reference to feeding the good wolf. I had never heard of that. That is such a good place to start from, something you have  in you. Makes me think of when I stopped smoking, after many failures. I would look at myself in the mirror and say "I am a non-smoker" until  I killed that bad-wolf image of a tobacco addict. It didn't happen overnight, neither did kicking the PMO habit, which I did two years ago, with this site's major help.

You have every reason to be scared - it is scary - but just keep feeding the good wolf. You have it in you and it works!