fyg
Well-Known Member
Hello all,
It?s good to be here on this forum. I?m posting as about three weeks ago I fell-off-the-horse around 85 days heading for 90 days PMO free.
I?ve been dabbling with these forums and looking at the science intermittently since 2011, which is around when I found YBOP. I?d been thinking of giving up porn a couple of years before that. I?m writing from a point in time, now. I?m 40 years old.
My use of porn nowadays is limited, but in the past, I used to browse for hours-on-end, with multiple tabs open; searching for my ideal ?woman?, or scene. Like many of us, I know from reading on forums like this, I?ve wasted, and still waste, not so much on porn, but on other pointlessly shit things, LOTS of time. The last week or so has seen me PMO a few times, maybe the chaser effect* on the back of a ONS I had the other week (a first for me ? I only mention this here as it?s part of a positive change in my sex-life ? will touch on this later/another time ).
I?ve been on a journey, I would say for just over ten years now. From when I did some intensive group therapy after recreational and self-medicating drug and alcohol use, a somewhat dysfunctional family history, and some other, not insignificant, Life and trauma stuff had brought me to a place and position that allowed me to start again - the therapy taught me to love people/again. Right now, I'm a mature student at university. If you?d asked me, would I be here, ten years ago, I?m pretty sure I?d have laughed in your face. I guess I had the potential, but never followed through. My journey continues; at the moment, I?m not in a great place, but not a wholly terrible one either. I'm procrastinating on becoming truly Awesome (something I think we can all do). Some of my anger, frustration and unhappiness has returned. I can be terribly/f***ing apathetic at times. It can be draining for me, and I'm sure for people around me. Though! this is countered with feeling fantastic on the odd day. An undulating feeling that gives me hope, as in the past, I?ve experienced this when going through change.
My history of actively trying to give up porn is like this; over the last 8 months, I?ve tried to give up twice, and then maybe two or three serious times before that, going back to 2011 - having reached around the 90 day mark on three or four occasions. I?ve seen, like some of you guys, that a real interest in women pools-up/returns (it could be coincidence, but I think maybe not) around this point. My problem, is sticking with that, and staying away from PMO past this point, or before it!
This last attempt (or maybe, continuation ) started with the 30 day PMO challenge, mainly because it was an existing framework that I could use. To be honest, it's a bit too subscriptive for me? like doing kegel exercises and press-ups etc.. That isn?t for me (though fitness, gym and yoga can be and are a thing for me). The day I PMO?d, I was hung-over, a trigger for me. At the time, I enjoyed the release (hopefully that isn?t a trigger for others me mentioning that), but just after, I didn?t beat myself up, I wasn?t really disappointed ? it was just that it wasn?t in-line with what I want, and that is to become an actualised guy with a healthy sex life that is part of a bigger picture edit: I?m a bit disappointed right now though, as continuing to PMO this last week or so, as mentioned already, isn?t where I want to be and is probably undoing some of my good work.
Anyway, I've been procrastinating on posting for a week now, rewriting etc... so I'll press the review and then post button; more can follow. I'll hope to be interacting on here and looking forward to joining in, getting help and helping. Historically, I've tended to do (or not do!!) everything myself, but I know this won't get me to where I need to be, anymore! Because of that, I can also be selfish with my time... But I'm working on it.(edit: that's both true and not true! - I can be selfish with my headspace/time, but give masses of my time away too, not accomplishing what I need)... Anyways...
Take care and Best Wishes
fyg
edit: I also gave up sugar around the same time as giving up P, so motivation to eat healthy and experiment (via recipes), eat new foods + go for runs with a reward-blend afterwards helped I'm quite sure!