Being Rooted, Yet Unstuck (or, Welcoming Daily Renewal)

Hey, all! I hope this message finds everyone feeling empowered and eager for the next steps in reclaiming your brains and minds!

I first discovered the Reboot Community rougly 2 years ago. I was very lost, angry and hopeless. It gave me new hope and relief. Since then, I've had a few successes and many, repeated relapses. I'm so grateful that we have these forums and the fact that they exist gives me hope and conviction that fairness exists in the universe. I've read more than a few success stories, but maybe not enough.

I'm a 36 year old semi-closeted, semi-open gay bisexual Mexican-American man. I feel, and have felt for much of my life, fairly marginalized. I can think of many reasons why I fell into porn addiction.
Ambiguous about my sexuality...
Potential ADHD...
Normal childhood loss and trauma...
Usual semi-dysfunctional family unit...
Not being completely from here...
Not being completely from there...
Not being exclusively this way...
Not being exclusively that way...

Instead of choosing to carve out an identity that I could live with and be proud of, and confronting the challenges of social norms and finding acceptance in community....I chose Porn. Over and over and over and over and over again. I chose Porn. I continue to choose Porn.

I've also chosen to Recover.
I feel that I've had more setbacks than successes, but I also think I could be more optimistic, celebrate my successes more frequently and generally not be so hard on myself. I hope to be as consistent in my Recovery as I have with Porn. I know better now, but still lack the awareness to get to the other side of 21 days, 30 day, 60 day, 90 days, 100 days, 100 months.

Since I discovered the Reboot Community and the Recovery Process, I've...
-Failed miserably at training for a 1/2 Marathon, but ran 8 MILES FOR THE 1st TIME IN MY LIFE!!!!! ;D
-Got a better paying job and New Career!
-Rediscovered my Learning Process and Executive Functions, making long-term goals w/daily small steps to achieve them.
-Learned how to sit still, breathe deep, and MEDITATE. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. Calm. Slow. Steady.
-How to Nurture myself, my goals, my dreams and desires.
-Allowed myself to HEAL, Rest, Recover, and Reward myself after challenging myself...
...and Preparing for the next challenge.


WHAT I HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH VIA REBOOTNATION JOURNAL

1. To fully digest an understanding of:
-How I came to be addicted
-What happened in my brain
-How healing processes
After a year and a half of setbacks and relapses, I know that understanding how PMO has affected my brain and WHY (reasons and motivations) I need to rewire my brain and restore my reward circuitry to normal sensitivity.

I've watched the videos a few times, sometimes more focused than other, and have a decent understanding of the brain changes but it's SOMEONE ELSE'S understanding, not my own. So, I'd like to share what the brain changes have looked like in my life. And what the intentional choices I'm currently making are doing to my brain and to my life.

2. HOW TO NOT ALLOW DISAPPOINTMENT, UNEXPECTED CHALLENGES, OR OVERCONFIDENCE CAUSE A RELAPSE
This is where I think the true challenge is for me.
I start to feel more energized and optimistic after  a week or two of no porn and I think I'm infallable and invincible!
Or things simply don't go my way and I don't want to feel the disappoinment, so PMO is my medication.

3. More to come...

Welcome to the forums CharmingandAlarming! I related to what you said about always having chosen the porn. For me it was always a comfortable and warm fuzzy solution that rather quickly plummeted into one helluva problem. And man I totally relate to the benefits of recovery! Makes doing this recovery stuff so worth it! Also been learning about the brain and the neuroscientific basis of addiction, and I've gotta say it's damn interesting but I've also discovered that all the knowledge in the world doesn't make a spot of difference. I'm an addict, and I'm going to act out unless I make fundamental changes in my physical, spiritual, and mental outlook. Keep coming back and sharing!

Hi man! So good to read your story. Feel like I know you already. I'm happy to hear you feel energized from the whole thing. If you can stay true to that, to the belief that this will keep energizing you, and not giving in to the porn that is only gratification in the short run but this all consuming monster in the long run, you are so far ahead already!

just know that there are a lot of guys here rooting for you, myself included Keep writing!

I really like the way you analyze the PMO addiction to the recovery and change in your life. It is really helpful to reflect some of my issue by reading through your journal. Looking forward to reading more of your journal. All the best!

It's been a month since I posted my first entry to this journal. Since then, I have PMO'd on a daily basis (give or take a few days). Work has been overwhelming and stressful and I have to do it to get to sleep at night. I HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP!!! It's not a time for me to deal with insomnia and strange feelings!

And THAT'S THE THING that I've learned over the past month: Recovery is about learning to CONFRONT & ACCEPT the EMOTIONS. I can't keep running from and evading the emotions....
I've realized I have to make the confrontation of the emotions a priority. I need to proactively engage them and not wait till they are filling me like a balloon that eventually pops. This means making it a priority: finding a way to rest and get to sleep so that I can make time in the morning to hear what my emotions are telling me that day and give myself time to nurture my own self.

I'm recommitting to this journal and everyone who visits this site. Aside from struggling to sit still and meditate, stayed motivated to exercise, I have to make it a point to digest changes and the clarity that comes from abstaining.

Hey CharmingandAlarming, i read your story and could relate to it, mostly the part of being half  and half in many aspects of life.
I believe that as long as you stay on the path toward recovery, the relapses are really just little stones you have to kick on your way to create new and better habits.
I wish you great luck and motivation on your pending recovery
Johnny

Hi All!

The month of May was a slow, rough month of consistent PMO - once every 24 or 48 hours - laced with urges to binge after I pop one off. Mostly, I relapse out of unconscious habit or poactively avoiding self shaming for not being able to focus or not having any enthusiasm for anything, or just to get to sleep.

It takes great effort and focus to get just 4 clean days under my belt!!! I'm going mad!
I'm 6 Days clean at the moment, an achievement I haven't experienced in maybe 5 months. I'm feeling optimistic and I'm resolved to feel thae pain and withdrawals.
The biggest challenge is managing my emotions.

One of my big triggers are cigarettes, so dealing with those urges and withdrawals has been a daily stuggle.
As soon as I buy a pack of smoke I find it difficult to focus on things because I just can't wait to get home and smoke a couple of cigarette and go to town...

But once I do pop one off, I have the urge to continue and binge. It takes great effort, and lots of tears, not to binge.
I've been reading and researching about managing emotions and techniques to engage with ways my emotions both past and present.

I apologize if my thoughts on this post are scattered, but I've already been dealing with insomnia.
I'll post a more detailed review of what I've learned and experienced in the past few weeks...

The sun's just come up so I'll try to get some sleep...

Words of encouragement are very, Very, VERY welcome!

DAY 8 - Numb

Today I've been feeling fairly slow and having trouble prioritizing.
There are so many tiny changes that come with rebooting: Meditating, Exercising, Cooking healthier meals, Visualizing life goals, Studying brain chemistry and emotional intelligence....
I HAVE RENT TO PAY and don't have time for all that! At least with PMO I could pop one off and be on my way, or get to sleep.
GOOD GOD, What a slippery slope...

One of the errors I made at my first attempt to reboot was not taking time to feel the emotions I've been avoiding. I had some success because I made myself too busy, filling my time with all sorts of activities (which I'm grateful for making the choices I made), but I burnt myself out, using all the old habits/triggers to rest and find some relief.

I have so many triggers. Whichever way I go to avoid a trigger, there's another trigger to avoid.
But rebooting isn't about avoiding trigger. Rebooting is about living more honestly (with oneself, to begin with), more aware and living out the life I want to live - which means confronting the fears that have been keeping me from doing just that.

Being and becoming aware is a bitch!