My crazy, desperate, hopeful, faithful, journey of recovery

I find it a little hard to believe that I'm back here. In some ways, my recovery has done a big circle. This was one of the first recovery resources I used when I decided to get clean from porn, but like so many other avenues of help, I walked away from it. I thought I had found a better way. I've drifted through a lot of recovery tools, always leaving them by the wayside in favour of something better. Perhaps that's a character flaw; perhaps that's why I keep going back to porn. Always searching for something better.

I've drifted through a psychologist, NA meetings (there's no SA where I live yet), and telephone SA meetings. I've just never had the willpower to stick to any of them, even though many of them were effective tools of recovery. The psychologist was too expensive. The SA meetings were boring. I felt like a fraud at the NA meetings. I usually convince myself that I'm better, that I don't really need outside help, that I can handle it on my own. Sometimes I can for a little while. But I always drift back to porn.

I just finished a series of relapses. In a remote location, alone with an internet connection, and desperate for help, I found myself back here. I remembered my login, and saw one of my first posts "28 years old, and tackling this with renewed effort". I'm 31 now.

I'll be honest, I feel pretty crap. When I first set out to get clean from porn, I thought it would be easy. It's hard for me to accept that in many ways, I'm just as sick as when I started. I shouldn't beat myself up too much though, through the process, I've learned a lot. About addiction, about myself, about acceptance. I've learned to listen just a little about what my addiction tells me. I just struggle to put it all into practice.

I have a bit of extra motivation now, as I'm just a few weeks away from having my first child. I'm disappointed that I wasn't able to stay clean through my wife's pregnancy, but I desperately want to be clean and sober from porn and sexual addiction for his entire life. I know how withdrawn I become when I'm in my addiction, how singular my focus becomes at the expense of so much. I don't want to look back on my life years from now and think about how much I missed of his life because I was wrapped up in addiction.

My wife recently celebrated 1 year clean and sober from alcohol. It was a long time coming, and a struggle that she never stopped fighting until it stuck. She spent time in a treatment center, and has fully embraced the sober/AA way of life. I'd like to join her in that life.   

Right now, I realise that my biggest challenge is embracing the commitment and the lifestyle. I want to find a way to make my recovery "fun" for lack of a better word. I feel strongly that the thing that is missing for me is community. I'm hoping that is where all of you come in. I'm hoping to make a few friends on this forum, maybe even share a few phone numbers and chat in real time. I'm hoping that few of you can help to keep me on track and keep me motivated in those times when I would otherwise slowly drift back into using. What I don't want to be is just another empty voice drifting around the internet.

One concept that exists in 12 step programs is the idea of "one day at a time". By starting this public journal and writing daily, I hope to embrace that concept.

....If you've made it this far, you probably have enough patience to be my friend!

Sobriety starts tonight for me. At this point, I usually say "yeah right" to myself. I've failed to keep a lot of promises to myself. But I'm pretty sure that I can stay sober for tonight, and that's what matters right now.

Please comment, send messages, and reach out. I am hoping to not be alone in this journey.

 

I'm realizing that I've neglected to write the terms of my sobriety, which is an important thing for me. I've defined it loosely in the past, and it's led me to ruin several times. I'm going to use the SA three circle method here:

Inner circle (relapse):
1. Relapse is defined as intentionally seeking out sexually stimulating images. This can be on any type of website or media. "Cruising" the internet counts, even if I don't "find" anything stimulating. If I catch myself starting to cruise and put an end to it right away, that doesn't count as relapse.
2. Relapse is also defined as indulging in extended sexual fantasies about anyone other than my wife. Obviously if I catch myself drifting into fantasy and take steps to end it, that doesn't count as relapse. But full-on, uninhibited fantasy about any sexual topic is essentially the same as looking at porn and is off limits.
3. Relapse is defined as visiting any social media sites, mainly Instagram and Facebook. These have been my ruin many times. I'm making a small exception as I help to run a business that has social media pages. I'm allowing myself to visit those pages for essential professional purposes only (ie: making a post for the business, etc). I am going to be 100% strict on this, as it is a key place that I start to slide.
4. Relapse is defined by starting/ogling any accidentally discovered image. I'm going to follow the 3 second rule here.
5. Relapse is defined as visiting a place with a main goal being to see something sexual or check out women. For example, going to the pool or beach because there might be girls in swimsuits there is a relapse. If I go with a different purpose (ie: to spend time with friends) that's okay.

Middle circle (danger zone, things to avoid)
1. Starting/ogling women in real life.
2. Starting to fantasize.
3. Masturbation/touching self sexually.
4. Beating myself up/being stressed out.

Outer circle (healthy things)
1. Being social
2. Finding time to do things I like (kayaking, biking, reading).
3. Spending time with my wife and dog.
4. Doing something nice for my wife (or dog!).
5. Preparing and eating good, healthy food.
6. Doing nice things for other people.

I've left masturbation off my relapse list, and am curious how others feel about it. Any thoughts on strategy with that one?

Friday June 7: Day 1

Today I'm not going to worry about how long I stay clean and sober. I'm just going to focus on making it through today. That's what it's all about anyways, isn't it? Living free of sexual compulsions. It's not about getting a month, or a year, those are just landmarks on the journey. Living clean and sober starts today.

I've been struggling with sex addiction long enough to understand that I use porn as a tool. It brings me up when I'm feeling down, numbs me out when I'm feeling overwhelmed or upset with myself. Sometimes it even punishes me when I'm angry at myself.

One thing I've always struggled with is how to deal with those emotions without the soothing effects of porn. I've been using it for so long that I'm not really capable of handling my own emotions, especially stress and anxiety. I can be really hard on myself for small mistakes, and porn has been an easy tool. That's what took me down yesterday; a mistake I made that humiliated me.

So I've decided to give meditation another try. To be honest, I've attempted it before, but without much success. I think I'm waiting for something profound to happen, some feeling of enlightenment. I also understand that is not realistic, or what it's all about. This morning I meditated, albeit just for a few minutes (I'm new at this), and felt calm and peaceful. I'm going to do my best to incorporate it into every day, preferably in the morning.

This morning I remembered my pledge to cut short any fantasies that might enter my head. Although I'm not religious in the traditional sense, I asked my idea of God to please take them away from me as I'm not capable of dealing with them on my own. It worked.

I know that the first day is sometimes the easiest to stay sober through, with the memory of failure and relapse so fresh. But It's also my time to start habits that will be healthy parts of recovery moving forwards. I was told once that recovery is a bit like bodybuilding. I have to train every single day, and make working on recovery a priority.

Time to head to work now. 

Hey TT

I'm new here but I've been struggling to quit porn for 3 years and have relapsed a number of times. I'm hoping this time it will stick.

I'd be happy to chat with you on whatsapp or whatever if you want. Shoot me a PM if you want.

Regarding masturbation counting as a relapse. I'd say it would depend if it was fuelled by porn fantasies or not. If it was masturbation concentrating purely on sensation or looking at or thinking about an actual person then I would agree it doesn't count. If it was based around imagining some porn you saw then I'd count it as a relapse, and I have done myself when I've ended up in that situation. Saying all of the above though, I've had much better success when avoiding masturbation completely, because its all so intertwined with porn use for me that it's just a slippery slope and a massive porn craving trigger. Also I truly believe that hard mode will get you results faster, even if it is more difficult initially.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Its the same thing with this, just concentrate on getting to your bed tonight without doing anything that will put you back and don't think any further then that. Looking at the big picture and how long some guys take to reboot can be incredibly daunting, and seriously damaging to your willpower... "I need to keep this going for HOW LONG?!"... Instead just think " I need to get through the next 12 hours" Then just rinse and repeat.

Hope my 2 cents are of some help. Stay Strong.

Hi FM,

Thanks for the words of wisdom, and the emphasis on taking it one day at a time. It's so easy to set goals for myself about "never using porn again" or "making it to 90 days". That method hasn't worked for me; it just seems too daunting and easy to fail. 

Appreciate your thoughts on masturbation. I've struggled with this one, but agree that it is ultimately selfish behaviour that is best avoided, and something that I'm going to aim to not do moving forward. I also find that if I feel that I really need it, it means I've let my brain go to unhealthy places. I like the clear boundary you set with regards to what you're thinking about.

I don't have whatsapp, but am happy to connect over the phone. I live in Canada but have US calling if you're based there.

June 7 - day 1

It feels good to have a day without artificial sexual stimulation under my belt. The first day is usually the easiest for me; memories of my recent relapse are still strong and unpleasant. Despite this, I do feel like I've been engaged in my recovery, and I hope that by journaling here often, I can establish good habits while it's still easy to avoid porn.

I've been thinking today about a book I've been reading (admittedly, I put it down and haven't picked it up for awhile...) called "The Gift of our Compulsions". The premise is basically that instead of seeing addictions/compulsive behaviour (read porn use) as a negative thing to suppress, we should embrace the compulsion to understand how we use it to cope with things in life. I'm not really sure I wrote that in a way that the author would like, but I did my best.

I like the premise for a couple of reasons. To begin with, it's changed the way I frame my struggle with addiction. Instead of looking at addiction as a powerful dark force trying to take over my brain, I see it merely as a tool that I've learned to use to cope with struggles in my life. This really takes away some of the psychological power of the addiction for me, without diminishing the fact that I am still powerless against it of course.

I also like the idea that I can use my compulsions to learn more about myself, and turn a negative part of my life into something more positive. I've learned so much about who I am and how I can be a better, more compassionate person through the recovery journey; things I would have never learned had I not struggled with addiction. Am I happy to be an addict?...No. But I can at least see a silver lining to the struggle.

I'm grateful for the day of sobriety that I just had.   

That?s a good mental shift to make I think. I certainly agree with you that dealing with addiction myself has given me a very different outlook on life and people around me who suffer with their own addiction problems. Before I found out that porn addiction was a thing and that I?d been an addict for nearly 20 years I could never really understand the forces that caused some people to keep reengaging in their addiction, ?well you know it?s bad for you, so why don?t you just stop... have some willpower ffs.? And of course now I know all too well how difficult beating addictions can be. Saying that, it?s not impossible, just keep taking it day by day. You got this!

I can really recommend adding some exercise into mix if you don?t already. It?s a great way of redirecting sexual energy when you?re feeling restless. I do callisthenics mostly, which are body weight exercises that you can do pretty much anywhere. I find strength exercises much better at coping with cravings then cardio (say going for a run) I think it?s because the general stress level on your body is much higher and I can bust out three quick sets of pushups in 10-12 mins and then I can get on with the rest of my day.

Sorry to be nosey but how much does your wife know about your addiction? I?ve always imagined having a partner to help you during the recovery would be a great thing. Of course that only applies if she knows.

June  8, day 2

Well, I'm just about through two full days free of compulsive sexual behaviour. I woke up this morning to some mild cravings and some fantasies that were trying to push their way into my mind. I took a few deep breaths and refocused my mind on something else. I was grateful that I've made a new rule for my sobriety that I have to avoid being pulled into extended fantasies. It provides me with extra motivation to cut them off. In the past, I've excused fantasies as being "not porn", when in reality they are the first step on the road to relapse.

Probably the best thing about being clean is not having to lie. It's exhausting to spend so much time avoiding the truth and searching for excuses. I tell myself that my forays into acting out don't really count, even though I know deep down that that's a lie. FM, you asked how much my wife knows. I've told her almost everything, and although I have been avoiding speaking about my latest relapse, she does know that I've been struggling lately. I'm looking forward to being able to be fully honest and present with her again, as she has been an amazing partner in recovery. She recently celebrated one year sober from alcohol, and is rocking the AA program. Since we've both been serious about recovery, our relationship has been healthy. Prior to recovery, she was into alcohol, and I was into porn....you can imagine how bad things got. Sometimes I think that it's a miracle that we stayed together despite our addictions, but I also believe that it's because of our addictions that we are together. If only one of us were addicted, I think the other would have bailed early on. But our mutual addictions offer each of us a real deep understanding of the challenges facing the other. Even though my relapses have been hurtful to my wife, she is always understanding.
 

June 9, Day 3

Today has been a hectic and wild day. It's been a perfect example of how total chance natural disasters can throw a wrench into even the most carefully crafted preparations. It's been interesting, but it' also been incredibly stressful, and the nature of events hasn't really offered me time to focus on myself and my own needs.

The fact that I'm here typing at all is an accomplishment, as the me of even a week ago would have decided that sleep is more important than recovery. That me may have also decided to take a side trip to the internet. I've learned though, that nothing is more important than my recovery. Without it, I will lose everything, and I still have a lot to lose. Even a peek at something triggering is enough to spell disaster, a fact I've learned far too many times.

I'm going to take a deep breath, go easy on myself, and remember that things have a way of working out just fine, as long as I let them. I'll also remind myself that even a peek at something titillating (how it always starts for me) will be the thin edge of the wedge, and almost certainly make everything totally unmanageable.

Roll with the punches! 

You are oh so right concerning peeking!  I really liked your earlier post concerning the circles-I found that useful as a self-check to my own propensity for self-deception.  Stay with it !

June 15, Day 12

I haven't gone off the rails, I've just been away on a wilderness trip with no internet access. I work in outdoor guiding, and the trip was a great way to unplug and spend some time in nature, even though I was working. It's amazing how my mind doesn't crave porn when it's not an option; the farther I am away from the internet, the less I desire it.

What was really stressful was the lead-up to the trip. I had a lot of packing and organising to take care of, and it had me working long hours. During that time, I didn't feel that I had time to work on my recovery, and I let my journaling and self-care slide. In hindsight, I wonder whether that was necessary. To begin with, I've always told myself that recovery is the most important thing in my life. Without it, thing fall apart very quickly. Was it right to allow my work responsibilities to come before my recovery? Also, how much time does recovery really take? A little bit of meditation and writing can be accomplished in 20 minutes. That's not a big part of my day, and it would have likely made me even more productive.

So, as I move forward in my recovery, I'm going to take those little moments for me. Moving forward, one day at a time. 

I'm here to check in with myself. Today has been a hard day. It started last night when I found myself half asleep and masturbating. I cut myself off pretty quick, and I'm happy about that. What's bothering me is that I didn't see it for the warning sign that it was. When I woke up for real, I rushed off to work, not spending any time for myself to journal or meditate. When I finally did open my journal, it was only to put the finishing touches on a post I had started previously; I didn't really sit down and contemplate my day. Later, I spent too much time online, with behaviour that definitely approached "cruising", something I am not allowing myself to do. I'm not going for a reset at this time, but I am going to sit down and contemplate how I got here.

To begin with, the last few weeks have been incredibly stressful. I work in adventure tourism, and it's the start of the busy season. I've been slammed with training new staff and completing various projects that didn't get done earlier. There's a real sense of stress in the air, and it's difficult to escape, especially since I essentially live at my workplace. My wife and I are expecting a baby...any day now really. I'm really excited to become a dad, but am also just a little stressed out about how everything will be! Overall, I think you get the idea that things are pretty unsettled.

In addition to all this, I was recently out on a wilderness trip. It was really healthy for me to be out there, and I felt great, but I wasn't able to journal or connect with my recovery. I made the mistake of not giving myself time upon my return to restart my recovery habits.

So while I can look at today as being full of setbacks, I am also able to see it as my brain trying to cope with the difficult situations I'm putting it in. Clearly I'm not in a really healthy mental place right now, and I'm going to use today as a lesson of what happens when I let things slide, no matter how easily I can justify the situations I've put myself in. I can't always control what's happening around me, but I can make sure that I always take some time each day to focus on me, and my recovery.

Above all, I'm going to remember that recovery (and life) happens one day at a time. I just need to focus on staying healthy through the rest of today. That's all that matters, and it's starting now.

 

Day 13
I just want to take a few moments to talk about priorities. Too often, I don't prioritise my recovery. I place work, family commitments, etc., ahead of my recovery. That's a key reason why I have trouble keeping my sobriety. Sobriety & living free of porn is a lifestyle choice. It means choosing to be kind to myself, and take time to care for myself. It means doing this one day at a time, and not setting goals for recovery, just living it. Today I will live my recovery. 

July 26.

I've been relapsing and having a really tough time lately. I'm feeling lost, and disconnected from my recovery. Kind of hopeless really. I've been in this place so many times that I sometimes wonder whether it's even worth picking up and trying again. Perhaps I'm the one they are referring to when they talk about those who are unable to follow the path of recovery; those who are not capable of being fully honest. I certainly feel like that's me a lot of the time.

It's true that I seem to not be able to be completely honest with myself or others. It's so easy to lie, even easier to lie by omission, and I manage to believe my own lies a lot of the time. It's so easy to make grand pronouncements and resolutions, only to fall flat on my face a few days later. The truth is, I have not been able to fully give myself to a program of recovery. Anyone who looks through my record of posts here will be able to see that I am less than consistent.

As  much as a part of me feel like I should just give up on recovery, I cannot. I cannot look at my wife, whom I love so so much and say honestly that I would trade her love for porn.

I also recently became a dad. It's been an incredible experience, but also a little stressful. When my son was born, I swore that I would stay clean for him, that I didn't want to be an addicted, absent father. I lasted two weeks, then I slipped back into addiction a week ago. I feel terrible every time I miss a moment with him because I am preoccupied with sex or drifting around on instagram. I really feel like a horrible person. Maybe I am. I'm certainly not a happy person right now, and a part of me even right now wants to go drown my sorrows in some sort of online bender.

But I'm sick of how that makes me feel. Icky, and anxious, headachy, tired, depressed, guilty. It turns me into a zombie. A porn zombie, not even a cool kind of zombie. 


So here I am, back again. I'm not making any huge promise, just that I'll stick to my commitments to myself for the rest of today. I'm going on a wilderness trip for two nights after tonight, so I won't reply for a couple days. Know that I'll be clean though; there won't be any internet or cell signal! It will be a nice way to restart, and I hope to be back here again on Monday.

One more thing: It's really helpful to me to see replies on here, even if it's just a short one. I like to know that people are watching out for me, or at least have that impression.

Thank you all for your love and support.

Congrats on becoming a dad. That must be a great feeling!

Despite the resolution to stay clean, have you thought about implementing some habits and rules to make it easier for you to abstain from PMO? When are you relapsing? Aren't your wife and your boy around almost all the time?

Take care, I'll make sure to follow your progress!

Hey man, don't lose hope. The fact that you feel so down about this reflects that you do have morals and ethics - just that you are not using a successful strategy to stick to them. The more you think things through and reflect on where you want to be in, say, 1, 2, 5, 10 years time, the more the right answers will come to you. Having a child is a big motivator. Even though you have relapsed since your son was born, it's not too late. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater - so to speak! He doesn't consciously know you yet. Make sure that by the time he's walking and talking, you have conquered this addiction. Then you can throw all your energies into building memories and bonding with him. There will be bumps along the way, but make sure your overall momentum is continuous. Best of luck man, and congrats on becoming dad. It happened for me 4 years ago and it's the best thing that ever happened to me. Really helped to straighten me out.