Resensitization initiating

I posted a few times on here but this is my first journal entry I will do my best to post weekly not to flood the forum with info that may not be helpful to myself or anyone else looking to reboot

I am 38 and watched porn since the age of 11.  I've lived the the advancements in technology that involved porn. From the age of magazines and VHS tapes to the high speed VR 4K that's available now.  There was one point where I was very emotionally attached to DVDs I owned. 

Until 2 or 3yrs ago I suffered severe Delayed Ejaculation.  I want to experience life w/o porn being a part of it.  The last few months I did some serious reflection as far as what porn has done to my brain which I thought wasn't a big deal for a long time. 

Today I was 3 weeks porn free.  The word was is in the previous sentence because today I relapsed.  It was more for curiosity as opposed to seeking stimulation or arousal.  It was leak of nude pics a certain celebrity and came across a leak of a video.  I felt a little aroused but I know enough that even looking hurts my reboot.

Of course the addictive voice said go ahead look at it.  I have no desire to MO.  As I write this yesterday I had sex with my GF of 5 years. Since then I'm flatlined. 

One thing about this reboot that concerns me is the surge of ladido that some guys experience at some point.  I already love sex and women.  What if it comes at me like a bullet while I'm with my gf but it maybe too much for her. 

I'm not going to be hard on myself for relapsing to pics and a short clip.  I am aware that the temptations to use curiosity as an excuse are stronger than I may have thought.

I will post around this time of week on a regular basis to keep track of my progress or hopefully not regress. 

hey GingerSnap.

I'm 37, and been close to the same amount of time as you. Maybe couple years difference.
I'm on day 58 of no P and no MO.  Sex with a few girls, but that is the only way I am allowing myself to enjoy sexual pleasure. My sexual experiences have been improving, and I've been enjoying them more, but I still notice that it will take lot's of time to heal.
In the 57 days I have noticed so many things about myself. I'm consistently working out the willpower muscle.  It's getting stronger.

All I would say to you for now is that you know exactly what you are getting since age 11. You have been repeating the same process for 27 years.
What is life like without P or MO for a few months? A year?  And if/when you get to a year, do you think you would want to go back?
I don't know the answers, but all I know is that I want to find out. I am ready to dive into the unknown territory and see what life is like.

You say you are concerned about a surge of libido?  I think TOO MUCH for your girlfriend is a better scenario than not enough.

Anyways, always up to you of course, but I would give it a shot to see what life is like without it all.  Might be some difficult moments of course, but you know you can do it if you really want to.  Who will you be 6 months down the road if you haven't watched P or MO'd?  Wouldn't you like to know?

Anyways, just some words from a guy going through the process. I hope even a little bit of it helps you.
PS. you need to read the book "Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself" By Dr. Joe Dispenza.  On the chemistry and science of changing your brain and your mind. 

Cheers, best of luck.

Thanks I've actually considered buying that book before I bought Gary Wilson's Your brain on porn.  When I get the urge to watch Porn or even at the scent of a potential trigger I've seeked out a video or an article on nutrition or addiction.It helps understand and come to grips with the underlying issues

ohh the alternatives we explore and discover that help us! Whatever helps!

I posted last Tuesday.  Since then I have came in and out the flatline.  It seems like a trend that everytime I have sex I go through an on and off flatline.  Yesterday it was bad.  I didnt feel any euphoria after I Oed with my GF.  I ve been flat since then.  I know this is part of the process.  I'm not stressing it. 

When I see other women in public I dont picture doing any nasty things I've seen in porn, which I take as progress.  My gf doesnt realize how intense trying to reboot can be.  She hates porn and looks at it as a choice.  She doesn't realize the underlying issues I may have which made me addicted in the first place.  I dont expect her to. 

The questions I have with myself flatlining is:

Does my brain miss porn that much to where it's doesnt look forward to real women?

Do I need to fuck someone else to breakout/jumpstart my libido?

I know at some point my libido is going to come roaring back with a vengeance at some point.  I know this because I feel flashes of it.  I know this because I feel more confident and outgoing than in the past.  Im a natural introvert but lately I've been having convos with randoms not just females.  It could be me just getting to the age of not giving a fuck or the abstinence of porn or both. 

As I write this I realize part of growing as a person is recognizing when something as trivial as porn can be a part of you like another arm or leg.  When you decide to chop it off you will feel phantom pain but on the other hand your much lighter.  You have the freedom to use other limbs more efficiently.  If that makes any sense. 

I am going to power through this flatline episode however long it takes.  It's all part of the process. 

For anyone that's an NBA fan you know about The Philadelphia 76ers and Im following there motto "Trust the Process"

Today I wouldn't say I almost relapsed but the muscle memory was there.  I am on my phone and it was as if my fingers were programmed to type in a porn site.  It was a moment I laughed at for I am fully aware.  The progress I have made as far as being control of the muscle memory is of only addicts can understand.  It's also let's me know that I'm probably coming off of my flatline.  It usually lasts a week. 

What I am finding out when the flatline is fading I start to become sexually attracted to beautiful women in real life.  Usually I would persue my GF.  After I feel the flatline.  It's a cycle.

I'm asking myself if it's the lack of novelty that is causing my flatline.  I've been with her for about 5 1/2 years.  I know this isnt an issue really related to rebooting from porn but she isnt as sexual.  Shes affectionate to a point of maintaining interest but it's not cant wait to get dick. 

I know I've watched porn where the woman shows interest no matter what and also have been with women that had sex with affection attached.  I know the difference.  She gets me riled up just to see if I'm attracted to her then say not now. 

That tells me she really doesnt like sex.  She is close to 50 so that can be part of it.  This to give context to how I am feeling and accepting it. 

Nonetheless I am really considering having sex with another woman.  Not only because I want to but because it will help me in my rebooting. 

Please share your questions,comments,suggestions and past experiences.  Thank you

This past week I had sex and Oed with my GF and no flatline after.  I've noticing that I'm more talkative and engaging than usual since I've abstained from porn.  I can attribute that to not wasting sexual energy on videos and images.  I dont even have a desire to look at porn.  What have the women in the movies do to earn my attention.

For a second I did have an image of a random chick giving me a BJ.  Which means every now and then I perceive women in a porngraphic way.  The bright spot it was a realistic fantasy and not of one were she was performing a particular fetish.

I'm trusting the process.  I have had a few outbursts and mood swings with my gf the past few days.  It could be withdrawal or I'm starting to see things differently as far as how what I want and expect from myself and my partner.  Either way it's a positive that it's been about a month since I last watched porn. 

Parts of my brain are lighting up again that may have been dulled due to porn.  Thank you for reading and share your thoughts and or advice.

I am proud of myself I haven't had any desire to relapse at all.  I know better than to rest on my lourles and think I'm free from porn addiction.  I'm aware at anytime I can relapse.  That little man in the your head that says "fuck it you haven't watched it in a while."

I'm starting to raise expectations for myself and what I want around me as far as sexual pleasure.  Being porn free has gave my brain a chance to figure out what I truly want and eventually deserve. 

When my brain is on porn my standards and expectations of sexual pleasure is actually lower.  You see sex on the screen and in real life you want that by any means. 

I didnt emphasize on making the woman earn my attention being it sexual or not.  She just had to be kind of cute and smile.  That's all I have to say for now.  I'll be back next week for an update.

It's been almost 3 weeks since my last post and I still remain Porn free.  Today I actually thought about peeking at porn but didnt.  Lately my urges are held in check.  My girlfriend and I had sex about a week ago.  I was able to O without any problem.  I'm concerned with not want to have sex with my GF.  I am falling out of attraction sexually towards her.  Let's just say she refuses to excercise and lose weight.  As she gets older her body fat is going to increase.  To put myself in for a little bit of context I work out and pay close attention to my nutrition.  Everytime I look at her I think to myself it's only going to get worse.  Yes we went to the gym together and did physical activities but it wasnt sustainable for long term.

A big part of me wants to test my rebooting progress on other women.  I know its wrong being in a Long term relationship but my sexual needs are being met fully. 

Today I thought about looking at porn only to look at a physically fit attractive women nude.  Right now it seem like a climbing MT. Everest type feat that I will ever experience that in real life again.  What stopped me for looking was realizing I deserve better than some pics or videos on a smartphone. 

In the past I used porn as a buffer.  Something to keep me from having sex with someone I may later regret.  I'm at a point in my life now where I'm almost disgusted with myself if I have to masturbate to fill my sexual needs.  Not watching porn woke up a part of my brain that made me more open to take risks I wouldn't have thought about taking while I was on the porn wagon.  Especially involving the opposite sex.  That urge to be competitive with myself is starting to shed its skin and roam free.  I haven't had that since I played in college. 

Writing this today helps me realize I still have a ways to go as far as rebooting.  It also reinforces how much porn was a part of my life.  It literally shaped my brain not to seek out real and potentially intense moments that I could have had in my life.  I'm not going to should,would,coulda myself to death.  It does nothing to help. 

I bought the audiobook "Breaking the Habit of being yourself"  I'm about halfway done with it.  A lot of separation from the environment and living in the moment.  Very good book. 

This coming week me and my girl are taking a week off from work and I'm just going to live in the moment and enjoy myself.

sometimes it happens

you love someone but you are not sexualy attracted to them anymore, it sucks but it?s part of life, happens to most people.

it would not be expected of a woman to be with a man she doesn?t feel attraction for anymore, and you shouldn?t have to either.

I recommend you google"black dragon blog" by...i don?t remember the name of the guy, i think it is kalev jones or something like that. it may help you, i know it has helped me. i don?t agree with everything he says but in general his advice on relationships could increase you happiness and sexual fulfillment a lot.

I binged a few of his blogs and podcasts. He seems like a dude that's secure in himself.  I haven't done any research on if hes legit in what he says or not.  Nonetheless a lot of the things he says are spot on as far as a man having long term happiness.  I also am considering applying some parts of his system as far as intersexual relationships to my life. 

A lot of men that struggle with porn adhere to other peoples systems instead of there own. They use porn because they and for a long time I lived a life with a scarcity mindset.

Now I'm in a situation where I'm trying to figure out if my bouts of  flatlining is my brain use to the lack of novelty.  I get with being with my GF as opposed to watching porn is genuine.  I've been wrestling with this concept for a few weeks now.

I'm about a little over 2 months without porn and I'm starting to understand my triggers over the years.  I replied to a post just before writing this.  He relapsed and had a history of using escort services.  When I was single and dating multiple women I always had a "one at a time" state of mind. Meaning I'm monogamous with X today. Tomorrow I'm monogamous with Y.  That's how I would rationalized dating multiple women when I was single. 

The endgame was always to find "The One".  How that involves my porn addiction is the scarcity mindset.  In my mind very beautiful women were unattainable unless you were a celebrity and or had money and cars. When I say very beautiful women I mean slutty porn stars with fake tits and or ass. Slim waist waist which is maintained through either rigorous nutritional habits and or "Jenny Crack" diet. Which consists of snorting coke and starvation.

Dont get me wrong I have had the pleasure of having sex with a lot of women that were very attractive. Just didnt look like the women in the movies. I used porn as a buffer between the sex I was having with "regular" women and the sex I wanted to have.  At this time my sex life seemed to be well balanced. About as well balanced as a diet consisting of  a very low protein and high amount of cake and pototo chips.  I making a conscious effort as well as Subconsciously to recognize why and how I became that person so at some point in my life relapse is impossible. 

Until next week. Take care of yourselves.

It's been a few months since my previous post though I'm proud to say I've been Porn free.  Since the middle of May till now haven't watched a single clip of pornographic material.  This is the longest I've gone since I was introduced at the age of 11.  The desire to watch porn have been non existent until a few days ago.  Yes I have had bouts of what I would call "near misses".  Where just through muscle memory I would begin to type in a site I frequented.  I would quickly recognize what was happening and stop.  I am working on having an abundance mentality for my porn addiction stems from one of scarcity and self loathing. 

I believe it is written in a previous post I believed my needs were always secondary.  In my early teen years the mental and physical welfare of close family members were most important.  Instead of asking a girl out on a date and possibly having sex with her. I turned to porn and masturbation so that I wouldn't have to "bother" anyone to assist with my needs. 

You ask why is he using words like  "needs".  It applied to all other aspects of my life.  I never wanted to become a burden to anyone.  Be it to get something to eat or train in athletics or "bust a nut" I can do it myself.

Between having very low esteem and having a scarcity mentality porn was a big part of my life.  My urge to watch porn is induced by not only lack but uncertainty.  Uncertainty my needs will never be fully met.

The last 2 days I find myself fantasizing about favorite past porn clips.  I also find myself slipping back into a mentality of scarcity and uncertainty.  Im working on tools to help me through it.  I am in a monogamous relationship everyday it's a struggle to be faithful and ignore my need for variety.

We all know being in a monogamous relationship means ignoring the need for variety.  I ask myself a question.  Was I attracted to porn because I personally need variety in women? Or is porn the reason why I need variety?  I've come to peace with the fact that I may never know. 

Thank you for reading and until next time.

Keep going Ginger, you are source of motivation to us buddy

People like yourself and others do the same for me.  There arent many outlets for behavioral addictions such as porn and masturbation.  Its something we wrestle with everyday. 

I'm glad I can help motivate and inspire for you to take steps in being the best versions of yourselves.  Its impossible to be that when you are a slave to porn. 

The other day I fell into a trace.  I was scrolling through YouTube.  I am into a lot of things such as fitness nutrition sports and video games.  A recommendation for a video pops ups.  I dont want to say what it was for it may become a trigger for someone reading it.  The picture and description was a trigger for it. 

Looking at one picture turned into googling her name and scrolling her Instagram.  I must have been looking through pictures for about 10mins.  I'm sure it would have been longer if my girlfriend wasnt coming home soon. 

I recognize I was not too far behind from searching for a woman that looks similar to her on a porn tube site. 

I do give myself credit for identifying the trigger and stopping myself.  I found the interaction with real attractive females helps be it work or just out in public. 

Then I think it may open up another addiction.  An addiction to women in general.  I knew I had a lot of work to do.  Now I know I have more work than I can possibly imagine.  I'm up to the challenge.  I see the light at the end of the tunnel and shines so bright I can feel the heat radiating from it. 

Thanks for reading and Take care of yourselves.