I'm sorry for being pessimist but I'm hopeless. HELP!!

[Sorry for my english. And sorry for the wall of text. If you manage to read, thanks!]

Well, I just need to get some many things from my chest. I hope somebody can give me any word that can help me to feel better. I'm a porn addicted and a chronic relapser.  I'm 27, my first masturbation was at 14 to a picture.

I already lost the number of times that I relapsed. I started my tries to reboot on January/2013. Since then I reached the max number of 121 days porn free in that same year. That streak began on june 21 and the realpsed took place in october. In 2014, I manage to go two months (March and April) and August with no PMO. One thing that I absolute did was to reduce the number of times that I PMO. I remember that I had days with 3x or 4x at a single day.

It's just unfair that I came here to cry that I can't get over this addiction. But it's been very hard for me and I just thinking about trying to deal with this addiction, try to minimize it and go on with my life carrying this burden. So many guys that relapses and try again. I'm like that. Relapse became a routine for me. I don't think that I will get any progress or get better relapsing like that.

JESUS, 2015 barely began and I akready relapse. I don't what else to think about myself: failure, lack of control... I signed for the 2015 porn free challenge, I relapse and was embarresed to go there and ask Gabe to take my name off it. I tought "I will let some days pass to do that". That's how I'm in this moment. In the end of 2014 I try to began a journal here. But I just felt ashamed of my relapses that I just didn't write anything there anymore.

I know all the evil that PMO can bring for a person. All the issues, sexual or social etc. I read the YBOP. I listen to Gary's radio show - back in 2013 that's how I know Gabe. I watched Gabe's videos to the point that I began to memorize some lines of that. I'm addicted because I know all the problem that this addiction can bring but I can't stop, or part of me don't want to stop.

I have some kind of girlfriend or SO (don't know when you guys use that term). She have the image of me like the guy that works out almost everyday, eat health, is very vey very disciplined. I'm not that guy. I can't see myself like that if I can't beat this addiction. She says that if I put something in my mind, like stop eating something, for example, I do. And if she know about my addiction how can she be able to see me? I have a secret side that nobody knows about. And that to hide that is turning to be so dificult. Sometimes I just want to stop on the street and scream for everybody my hidden side.

Me and my GF didn't went very sexual, like PIV. But in dezember I had a moment of intimacy with her. I was semi hard, or no hard at all in many moments. In some moment she asked to blow me a little, I just semi hard. What can I say? My GF do that and I can't get a decent erection. Well, I know that i have PIED. But after discovering about that, it was the first time that I was in a sexual context with somebody. After that, the following days I've been very reflexive, thinking about my situation. But after some days I was relapsing again. I mean, even THAT didn't make me have more control about all this porn use.

I don't what else has to happen to me stand up, face who I'm really and try to change this PMO addiction. My parents love me and want me to be successful, they give all their support. I don't know what happens to me, that I stuck. And I have so many things to achieve in life. So much to read, to study, people to meet, places to know.

I also would like to open my heart here and say that I had a foot fetish that grow so much power because of the porn use. Some years ago, I would secretly take pics of girl friends' feet. I would do that and when I got home I would MO seeing that pictures. I think that no one even notice anything. So I have done that in my past: MO to pictures of friends feet. I also get obsessed in doing that with pictures of friend's girlfriend. I just feel ashamed of all that. I would record the pictures in a DVD. Thank God I did destroyed everything like that I had.

Other thing, and back there I didn't know that I was with a problem. A few years ago I was in a long distant relationship. And sometimes I would go visit her. I remember that we both were virgins. I remeber that sometimes I couldn't get hard and I blame "the first time" etc. She was comprehensive. But recalling now, I remember that I couldn't get turned on and the girl cried a lot saying that it was she fault, that she was ugly and I thought she was ugly. I remember that even in days that sex "worked" I would wait all her family to go to sleep so I would get on the computer and PMO. HER FAMILY was sleeping in other room and I was PMO in a place that wasn't even my house. I don't know but looking back I think all this things disgusting, disrespectful. How I could finish sex and sometime later sit in front of pixel to masturbate?

I know a little how my life porn free can be. But even knowing that is not enough. It seems like nothing is enough for me to just take all even more serious and try to get PMO out of my life. What am I waiting to happen???

Before Christmas I was like 10 days porn free. I was doing well, but the "call of porn" that came all the time in my mind, like flashbacks or the voice saying "hey, you could check out a video with this and this". And when I saw I gave up and was PMOing. Maybe that is the point that I have to work. How to deal with the urge, the addicted voice asking por porn.

So I'd like to thanks. I hope I get my shit together somehow. I'd like to say thank you for the work of Gary and Gabe. And all that the other users where, rebooted or in their way to get there.

I'm sorry for the lack of meaning of this post. But I needed to put in other what I've been feeling. I hope that somebody can just say anything for me. Thanks anyway!

Life keeps going...

Ka-Kui, thanks for having the courage to share. I'm sorry you're in such a dark place, I've been there so many times, I understand, you aren't alone.

Have you tried looking into SAA? Here is a list of tele-meetings that you can get on, share your experience, etc.. I've really gotten a lot out of YBOP, the science of it all, but if that's not working for you, give this a try.

https://saa-recovery.org/Meetings/ElectronicMeetings/index2.php?timeOffset=-300

Bottom line, is it sounds like you're in extreme pain, as I have been myself, to be presumptuous, we can't live like this, so don't give up.

Do you have porn blockers? Do you have accountability software? Have your girlfriend be your accountability partner so that you'll be embarrassed and less apt to go on a binge.

Keep trying.
indiana. 

Hello Ka-Kui, I'm really sorry mate that you're in such a dark place. I know you can stop this. The key is to look at your state of mind. Please read "The Serenity Principle" by Joseph Bailey. Good luck and stay strong. You have friends here.

Hey!

Well in regards to 2015 challenge.  Sign-up closes Jan 7th.  So you're still good to go!  Don't give up on yourself.  Regardless of how many times you have relapsed, each time you begin again is a NEW TRY.  It's completely new, fresh start.  If you go into it thinking you've failed 100 times before.. then you're destined for failure once again.  This is not only a PMO lesson, but a life lesson.  Successful people don't ever had a clear path to success.  It's FULL of failures and mistakes.  Let me tell you.  If you fall 100 times, the loser gives up on 100th time, the "successful person" has failed just as many times as that loser, but he got up that 101th time and pushed through.

Don't ever be ashamed of relapse.  The only thing you should ever be ashamed of, is giving up in the fight.

Ka-Kui, I know this feeling. I started at 14 or 15, and have relapsed so many times over the years. I'm 33 now. I get less depressed about it than I used to, I think because I'm in a better place emotionally overall. When I was 27 though, I would have been feeling very hopeless too. Don't give up though - I just joined here myself, because I need help so I can stop relapsing, and I hope you find it here too. Good luck!

Hello Ka-Kui, Please watch this video. It will give you hope.
http://www.3pgc.org/photos-videos/details/?m=1167
Stay strong brother, you can let go of this for good.

That link that "Indiana" shared looks like a great idea for you, and me! I'm going to check it out right after I'm done typing this. I am in the twelve step program of AA. Sure we help each other with advice on how to quit drinking ext ext. But the thing that really helps is interacting with people that know exactly what your going through because they have gone through the same thing. That's the strength in AA or in any fellowship. And that's what this is too. We can talk about the "disgusting" things that we've done with each other because we all have been there. You talk to people that have no idea about porn addiction and they will look at you like a pervert. But it sounds like maybe you should limit your access to a computer to only public place. If it's too hard to have 24-7 access to the internet, do away with it. Extreme times call for extreme measures. Not everybody's process is the same bro. One person might be able to say "Ok, that's it, I'm not doing this anymore." and they do it. Other people are like you, it's a deep struggle. Don't put yourself down. Try that sex addicts anonymous link. Talk to some people there. I'm sure you'll find the help you need if you seek it. Willingness is the key. Here's the link again: https://saa-recovery.org/Meetings/ElectronicMeetings/index2.php?timeOffset=-300

Ka-Kui, I have two thoughts from reading your post.

First, you are on the right path.  Your post reveals that you have eliminated from your life various things associated with porn and you have significantly curtailed your porn use.  If I understand correctly, you have gone from using porn several times a day to long periods of no porn.  That is substantial progress.

Second, relapsing is not a failure.  It isa glitch, an error, a slip-up.  The only really failure is giving up.  Don't give up.  The circumstances of our lives are complicated and complex, our brains and bodies are complex, our experiences are all over the place.  So you don't know when things in your life will be such that you start to experience real change and you really begin to overcome this temptation once and for all.  The key, again, is to not give up.

Hang in there, and don't be discouraged or ashamed.  Millions of guys suffer from this problem, and the sad part is many don't even know what they should be doing.  You do.  So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep at it. 

I just wanted to say THANKS to the users that wrote in this topic. That meant a lot to me! It was good for me to write all these facts about my life and my journey!

I need to thank the fact that I know that I have a porn addiction. Maybe I could not found out about all this stuff. My life would go on with this habit just along.

Even if I failed a million of times I'm trying! It took years of porn use to get where I'm right now, but I don't want to take years to beat this addiction.

Thanks again!!

Good luck Ka-Kui!

But it has been very difficult for me and I just think about trying to deal with this addiction, trying to reduce it and continue with my life carrying this burden. So a lot of people who redo it try again and again. Just explain https://torquemag.io/2018/09/how-to-improve-ux-with-the-right-front-end/ to her. I am like him. Relapse became the process for me. I don?t think I would get any improvement or still have a good balance like that.