innergothkid
Active Member
My name is Matt, and I am 26 years old.
There are a million places where I could start this post, and I'm not entirely sure which one to go with.
Dating has been a big one, lately. I've been trying to force myself to date more, but the more dates I go on, the shittier I feel, because I just don't feel any draw to women in the real world. I should, but I don't. I've even subconsciously sabotaged dates by staying up all night the night before, or drinking before I go out. I'm just wholly uninterested in people.
I'm not sure when I first started watching porn, but I clearly remember installing a keylogger on the family computer to get the dialup password so I could get on at 4am when my dad left for work and start slowly downloading videos.
I didn't have my first girlfriend/sexual experience until college. The first time she tried to get me off orally ended with her crying because I couldn't get off. Delayed ejaculation was pretty much par for the course throughout the relationship, which wasn't always a bad thing, but was certainly an annoyance more often than not. She raped me and cheated on me before I called it quits.
The next girl I became infatuated with told me that she wanted a guy who would take charge and man-handle her. We were out flirting late one night and I pulled her in close for a kiss. She told all of our mutual friends that I'd sexually assaulted her, and I pretty much lost my entire social life.
Dated a girl with borderline personality disorder after that who frequently threatened suicide. It took about a year before we finally had sex, and then she immediately freaked out and said that if I cared about her I would have never had sex with her.
And then finally, I dated an asexual for almost two years, which provided further aggravation.
Porn was the stress-relief inbetween and during it all.
I think my worst day in recent history was 8 or 9 sessions in a single day. And that was on a day that I had work.
I've been able to connect with women sexually online, but not in real life. Cybering has been the extent of my sexual relationships in recent history. And considering that my last relationship was with an asexual, it's been almost 4 years since I've had PIV sex in real life. I've had opportunities, but either anxiety or lack of interest got in the way.
I've struggled with depression for years, but this was the first year where I truly became suicidally depressed. I'm full of anxiety about people, about work, about answering the phone, etc. I'm incapable of finishing anything I start. I want to have relationships with people, in theory, but don't have the motivation to deal with them. I've had pretty vehement feelings towards women, and especially my roommate, in the past year. Partly from porn, and partly from what I've been subjected to.
I gave up porn, and the internet in general, a few months ago after seeing some TED Talks on the subject. It was the best I ever felt. I lost a lot of weight, was exercising regularly, eating foods that I enjoyed, going out and doing things, reading more. But I relapsed. Gained back all of the weight, became increasingly depressed, started becoming especially annoyed by people.
I think no PMO is the way to go this time around, and I'm feeling more confident. I installed a porn blocker and made sure it's blocking all of my usual sites. I know I could still get around it if I wanted to, but it's more inconvenient now.
I'm not sure how much of my depression, anxiety, etc. stems from porn, and how much stems from the other trauma I've endured, but I know that my relationship with sex has changed over the years, and I'm ready to start the rewiring process.
I made it through my first full day of no PMO, and I'm ready to make this happen.
There are a million places where I could start this post, and I'm not entirely sure which one to go with.
Dating has been a big one, lately. I've been trying to force myself to date more, but the more dates I go on, the shittier I feel, because I just don't feel any draw to women in the real world. I should, but I don't. I've even subconsciously sabotaged dates by staying up all night the night before, or drinking before I go out. I'm just wholly uninterested in people.
I'm not sure when I first started watching porn, but I clearly remember installing a keylogger on the family computer to get the dialup password so I could get on at 4am when my dad left for work and start slowly downloading videos.
I didn't have my first girlfriend/sexual experience until college. The first time she tried to get me off orally ended with her crying because I couldn't get off. Delayed ejaculation was pretty much par for the course throughout the relationship, which wasn't always a bad thing, but was certainly an annoyance more often than not. She raped me and cheated on me before I called it quits.
The next girl I became infatuated with told me that she wanted a guy who would take charge and man-handle her. We were out flirting late one night and I pulled her in close for a kiss. She told all of our mutual friends that I'd sexually assaulted her, and I pretty much lost my entire social life.
Dated a girl with borderline personality disorder after that who frequently threatened suicide. It took about a year before we finally had sex, and then she immediately freaked out and said that if I cared about her I would have never had sex with her.
And then finally, I dated an asexual for almost two years, which provided further aggravation.
Porn was the stress-relief inbetween and during it all.
I think my worst day in recent history was 8 or 9 sessions in a single day. And that was on a day that I had work.
I've been able to connect with women sexually online, but not in real life. Cybering has been the extent of my sexual relationships in recent history. And considering that my last relationship was with an asexual, it's been almost 4 years since I've had PIV sex in real life. I've had opportunities, but either anxiety or lack of interest got in the way.
I've struggled with depression for years, but this was the first year where I truly became suicidally depressed. I'm full of anxiety about people, about work, about answering the phone, etc. I'm incapable of finishing anything I start. I want to have relationships with people, in theory, but don't have the motivation to deal with them. I've had pretty vehement feelings towards women, and especially my roommate, in the past year. Partly from porn, and partly from what I've been subjected to.
I gave up porn, and the internet in general, a few months ago after seeing some TED Talks on the subject. It was the best I ever felt. I lost a lot of weight, was exercising regularly, eating foods that I enjoyed, going out and doing things, reading more. But I relapsed. Gained back all of the weight, became increasingly depressed, started becoming especially annoyed by people.
I think no PMO is the way to go this time around, and I'm feeling more confident. I installed a porn blocker and made sure it's blocking all of my usual sites. I know I could still get around it if I wanted to, but it's more inconvenient now.
I'm not sure how much of my depression, anxiety, etc. stems from porn, and how much stems from the other trauma I've endured, but I know that my relationship with sex has changed over the years, and I'm ready to start the rewiring process.
I made it through my first full day of no PMO, and I'm ready to make this happen.