Time to stop the lies and take control of my life

I am 42 years old. I have been a PA for probably close to 20 years now. For the first 15 it didn't seem to impact my life or at least that is what I told myself.

I have been married for 12 years now, have 3 kids. In the last 5 years I started to develop PIED, first I tried to deny it, blamed my wife for gaining some weight, told her nasty things when I got mad. I did some research and realized it is all related to my Porn use. I would PMO 5 to 10 times a week, anytime I was stressed out or just to feel better about something.

For the last 3 - 4 years, me and my wife started growing apart, we started to spend less time together and just went about our days. The PIED made me terrified and I actively started avoiding sex. 3 Years ago she found some Porn on my computer and was super pissed, I told her some terrible things as I was lashing out. We almost divorced right there, she even moved out for a week.

I told her I would stop and tried to do better, I lasted maybe 30 days, after that I tried to just limit the PMO to 1 or 2 times a week, but it didn't last and 6 months later I was back to my full habits. To combat the PIED I got some V and that did help, but it always gave me headaches and was very hard to plan when wife wanted spontaneous sex. I did not tell her about the V, so first she thought I was improving and for a year or so things were ok. 6 Months ago the wife caught me PMOing and again I tried to reboot, but work stress and other factors always made me relapse.

I have ADHD and have pretty bad impulse control. Very hard for me to help around the house and get most things that are not planned done. My job doesn't help since I work from home 2-3 times a week and is very unstructured. My energy levels are pretty low and its just very hard to get anything accomplished. My blood pressure is getting high and I haven't really exercised in years. The ADHD really makes it hard to stop the PMO, I've made so many stupid decisions in life due to wanting instant gratification. When I need stress reliever, I can almost convince myself of anything.

2 days ago, my wife came to me and I could tell it was going to be a bad conversation, she has been pretty distant last few days, she told me she felt 100% undesired and lost all purpose in life. She even said that when she was driving if I semi hit her she would welcome it. I've never felt so much pain in my life. She doesn't think I can fix it and it might lead to divorce. I love her and she still does loves me, but our marriage cannot survive another episode. I have to take control of my life and stop the lies.

I am not 100% sure how to fix it. I have been reading this site for a while now and see some success stories and similar failures that I have experienced.

I am going to go to see someone about the ADHD, i am hoping if I can control some of the impulses I can have a better chance of success. I usually get hyper-focused on whatever I enjoy doing. I think if I can redirect some of my energy towards exercise or something else it will keep me from getting distracted.

2 Days clean.

Hey Tim  welcome aboard.

      Your story is going to sound familiar to many here  I am 48  addicted for 35 years  same patterns  and issues  Only issue I never experienced was pied( I count myself incredably lucky there)  But the brain fog  inability to make proper decisions have cost me so much over the years  mainly in time finances and health and my general overlook at my own life  My wife knew I "surfed a little porn"  and It never bothered her.  She does not know I was outright addicted  and that I am on this site and in a current reboot.  And as much as its a controversial  decision on my part  I do polan to keep it that way as I am winning(I am 48 days  100% clean)  Since your wife already knows  perhaps you can include her at some point in your recovery/reboot.  There is at least a small possibility she may be your biggest cheerleader if as you say  you guys still love each other.  Read lots of journals  and learn exactly what this addiction is.  Mine is quite long  but you would get  an idea of what my victories were  as well as what my failures were and how I overcame them and how my life is different as a result.  Gabe posts  videos from time to time  that are super informative  so always have a look at the dofferent sections of the  forum

    cheers and good luck

  Post often it helps mke it helps you

Thx for the words of encouragement Joe.

3 Days clean. So far doing ok, just a bit anxious. Making some appointments tomorrow to see someone to help me with the ADHD.

5 Days clean.

Kind of feel empty. Not much feeling in anything I do. My wife is struggling with my previous attempts and relapses, I want to comfort her, but its pretty hard when you feel a bit disconnected from any feeling. Made an appointment to see a Dr for my ADHD for next Wednesday. My wife also wants me to try some counseling dedicated to PA. I am open to trying anything, I think accountability is a big thing that was missing from my previous attempts.

Hi Tim, looks like you are taking action!  I too have a family, and I know what it is like to be responsible for people; although often filled with joy and rewards, there is also a side and portion of difficulty at times.  Strongly concur in your assessment about the importance of accountability. 

In your initial post you mentioned exercise.  I strongly recommend that you start some form of physical activity as it has benefits way beyond being a distraction.  Start slow and modest, don't spend a ton of money or do three hours the first day!  Easy does it.  Also, our partners like action, not talk.  Let your wife see or know you are doing it and it is one more piece of evidence confirming your commitment and lets her know you mean business.

Keep going, it is worth it-there is a way forward, and you are on it.       

Thx Jixu for your words!

9 Days clean.

Last couple of days have been a roller coaster. Been trying to reconnect with wife, but she has a ton of unresolved grief. We had some good times usually followed by near crying and despair. She keeps on reliving the old relapses in her head and it's very hard for her to move forward. When she is in that state I feel so powerless, I know I caused the grief, but at that moment I get so angry. When that happens I just want to run away.

I'll just have to stay supportive and slog it out. My counseling appointment is on Wednesday, maybe that will help me process what is happening.

On the physical front it's been ok so far, I think the numbness from the whole experience is making me not care about Porn or anything related. I did start to get regular morning wood, so I guess that is good. I started a bit of exercise, just taking it slow, it does seem to relax me a bit and take the edge off, I will continue with it.

I am divorced because of porn so I understand a little bit about what you are going through. For instance it will take your wife a long time to return your affection again and a long time to trust you. We are talking about years of the relationship getting back to normal. The best thing you can do for your family is totally quit porn permanently. I suggest reading the book "Your Brain on Porn". It explains why everything seems dull and hopeless.

I would also suggest showing your wife affection in various ways. Cook a meal for the family, buy her a single rose or a whole bouquet, hug her frequently if she will let you, wash her car,  etc. All I am saying is if I had done those things I would still be happily married. I don't know your whole story but hope you find this helpful.

Porn is an insidious addiction. The only way to get rid of it is to not look at any and the desire will slowly ease over a long time. The book explains how your brain will change. You are doing well by journaling here. I hope you have a counter on you phone and another thing that helps is social activities. I spend some time every day talking to a friend, whether it is a phone call or in person, and that gives me the good feeling that I used to get from porn without the after affects.

11 Days clean.

Had some urges, but fought them away. Hard mode is HARD! lol...

I don't know how long i can last without any outlet. Trying to stay positive and keeping my mind busy.

DarksideofTim said:

11 Days clean.

Had some urges, but fought them away. Hard mode is HARD! lol...

I don't know how long i can last without any outlet. Trying to stay positive and keeping my mind busy.

Click to expand...

Hi Tim,

I hope you're doing well in your recovery.  My history is similar to yours as far as age, porn use, and marriage.  I'm 47, married 23 years, and we have two kids (18 and 16).  My wife also found porn on my phone and computer in the past, and our marriage suffered because of it.  She still does not trust me fully, and maybe never will. 

I know some men try "hard mode" and feel that it's the best way to get through the initial stages of recovery, and it seems like that's the path you chose.  Hopefully you're finding the strength to do it.  For me (103 days PMO free now) I did not choose hard mode, as I still have an active sex life with my wife (although I do use viagra sometimes because of my PIED).  I think hard mode is incredibly difficult, and it's going to be emotionally and physically draining for you, but some guys have had great success with it.

As I've discussed in my own journal, I continue to struggle with looking at porn, but I have not used it for orgasm in the past 103 days as I mentioned above.  It's a daily struggle, even today, but I find it does get easier as time passes.

Best of luck to you in your recovery.  Post often if you can, it helps all of us.

Tim,
You story sounds very similar to my husband?s.  I discovered his use.  He said similar things that you told your wife.  I will say I would not want to go through that first year of recovery ever again and would not wish a porn using partner on anyone.  The struggle for the addict and partner is real.  We are now 8 years post discovery.  And he is not using still.  A great book for you and your wife to get and read is Love You, Hate the Porn by Mark Chamberlain.  It was what started our mutual understanding of one another in this process.  We read and highlighted what spoke to us and then discussed those together.  This is a blog that contains tabs across the top that is a great resource for both partners and the addicts.  It is written by the author of the book and. It has a lot of posts all applicable.  http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/. 

8 years ago there was not much help for  addicts and really zilch for partners.  I started out commenting on an addict site and the men and I asked each other questions about addicts and partners.  I learned a lot and hopefully they did too.  They were mostly kind and helpful.  You can pm me if you have personal questions or ask here.  I do not want any marriage to suffer through this or people to divorce.

Thx Gracie. The relationship damage sometimes feels more impacting than the addiction itself. We have had few decent days, after the initial few days of grief and crying she has been very supportive.

I saw a sex/ porn addiction counselor last weekend. He was very good and I will try to see him on a regular basis at least for the foreseeable future. Saw a Dr for my ADHD, but since I have regular headaches they don't want to give me stimulants at first. They prescribed me some Wellbutrin. I'll try it for now and see how it works. So far its ok.

Had sex with the wife over the weekend as well, had no ED issues and it was a huge relief. I didn't use any V and it was great.


Those that are married how does regular sex impact the recovery process? Make it easier? Harder? Longer?

17 Days Clean

24 Days Clean.

Last week was pretty good. Wife has been supportive and we had sex couple of times, one time I had a bit of ED, but we were able to finish. Saw a sex addict counselor a couple of times and it helped put some things from my past in perspective. I feel much better about my chances this time.

ADD has been a bit better, the meds help a bit. Still trying to jump on the exercise bandwagon, my energy levels have been pretty low. I did get some triggers, especially when home alone. It's hard sometimes to stop thinking about what you used to do when everyone was gone. Going on a mini vacation for 5 days with wife and kids, so I will stay busy and should be ok, I think.

Keep going Tim, you're doing good.

I'm at a similar stage in my recovery and can relate to many aspects of your journey.

DarksideofTim said:

The relationship damage sometimes feels more impacting than the addiction itself.

Those that are married how does regular sex impact the recovery process? Make it easier? Harder? Longer?

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For me, I'm realising that to stop watching porn is only half of the battle.  Sorting out the devastation that the addiction has caused is the other half.  Being at the same place in my journey, I know the struggle, and am trying to work it all out.

For me, to be able to have regular sex, and maintain a relationship that is not impacted by the physical or mental damage of the addiction is one of my goals.  In between the periods when I have also felt disconnected, I have enjoyed quality time with my wife, and it has helped me to keep focused during the "down" times that inevitable follow.

Good luck.  Stay strong.

40 Days clean.

Last couple of weeks have been a struggle on many fronts.

Had a few triggers, but nothing I acted on. Wife had a few rough days, she keeps on dropping back in to the pit of despair, reliving the old relapses. It's been tough trying to work through that while having my own issues. She got triggered when I had my phone in the bathroom, it's a bad habit of mine. I didn't do anything, but the thought was alone to have her break down.

We've had semi regular sex, but last few days my erections just don't last or not 100% hard. I can start fine, but unless everything is perfect sometimes I lose it. Even just changing positions is enough to have issues. She is very understanding, but its hard on me when that happens and I am sure she has thoughts about relapses.

Signed up for the gym with wife, started going, but I overdid it and now I am in serious pain for last 3 days. So is she.

I saw a different Dr for my ADHD, due to some insurance complications, he told me to get off wellbutrin and put me on Vyvanse. Now I have nasty vertigo and nasuea and I am not sure if it is from withdrawals from Wellbutrin or the new drug. I stopped taking Vyvanse for 2 days and still have a headache, nasuea and vertigo sometimes. I hope it goes away because I just totally feel like shit.

Trying hard to stay strong!

Hope you have recovered from the gym pain and had a chance to resolve the medication aspect that you mentioned.  Stay strong, and keep moving forward.  I'm not a gym guy but I jog and I am looking forward to a nice run to rid a bit of cabin fever-take care! 

I read your story and I feel your pain. Hang in there friend. There is a lot waiting for both of you on the other side. Trust me I know.

On my post, i put a list of what I've done to reach the 90-day mark (and still going). I strongly recommend you check it out.

Please keep us posted.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

60 Days Clean.

It's been a rollercoaster for sure. After I stopped taking the wellbutrin the nausea and vertigo went away after a week. I am still getting headaches from vyvanse. I switched to focalin and it's better but not not headache free yet. I am hoping over time it will decrease.

I've had a few close encounters, wife was pissed for a few days and even after 4 days with no sex it was hard to not relapse. Regular sex is great, but I hate to be so dependent on it during my recovery. Corona lockdown doesn't help. Been stuck at home for way too long. Kids school closed for a while now, so everyone is pissed off and on edge.

Can't go to the gym because it's closed, tried doing some exercise at home, but the motivation is just not there.

Hoping I can get the adhd more under control it seems to be the sticking point for my wife. It's hard not to just go sit down in my office and binge on internet, games or anything else. She has 2 good days and 2 bad days and it's hard to know why sometimes. Some of it is related to me, some it's her own demons.

Our plan to rekindle the romance is hard to achieve when you are stuck at home and kids don't go to bed until 10pm and after that we are too tired to care. FU! Corona Virus!

Anyway enough rambling, trying to stay strong.