PIDE - Porn Induced Delayed Ejaculation

Hey guys, sorry for any spelling or grammatical errors, English isn't my first language.

I am starting this journal to have something to occupy/motivate me, to share and to, maybe, help someone who is having same or similar problems as I am.

I'm 30, healthy, married.

I started masturbating around the age of 8, discovered porn around 10, I think. Got high speed Internet in my teens and was PMOing ever since.

My problems began when I started having sex at the age of 18, when I noticed that I could not have an orgasm during vaginal , oral or anal sex, except for a very few magical occasions "Don't worry, man, it's not you-it's her, it will be ok",  I thought. I couldn't be more wrong and it soon became apparent when I was with a different girl. And the next one and the one after and so on. I lied to myself that this is what I am like and that it is normal, it is nothing to be worried about, lasting longer is good, etc. The lie worked and I embraced DE as something positive - at least the girls appreciate this, right?

Wrong. The girls did appreciate it, in the beginning of each relationship, but it wasn't before long that they all noticed there was a problem. It was something I never wanted to discuss with any of them, so each one of those relationships ended.

During all those years, I was PMOing and, in retrospect, was a complete idiot not seeing the connection between porn, death gripping and delayed ejaculation. It becomes clear to me now, that during that time, I was holding all my frustrations about DE inside and was finding a "happy place" in porn.

It didn't take long to get drowned in it, as it was pulling me under deeper and deeper into hardcore porn. I developed a strong foot fetishism that got me even more in trouble, because it additionally desensetized  me from normal sexual intercourse. I got hooked on porn, addicted on foot fetishism.

Then I met my wife. She was everything I ever searched in a woman: beautiful, funny, smart and unbelievably hot. I was so scared of what her reaction will be when she finds out. We have talked about it and she assured me that it didn't bother her, that she loves because of who I am, etc... 4 years ago we got married and she is one of the main reasons I have decided to change my life.

During our marriage, DE was still a problem as I was still PMOing. I did manage to cum with my wife naturally, but those events were too few and far between. We have grown accustomed to DE, but deep down, we were never happy with our sex life. It is hell for me because I started feeling inadequate as a husband, which is either depressing or frustrating and makes me rude and impatient, easily aggrevated, etc. It is hell  for her because she feels inadequate as a wife, not being able to please her man and, as a consequence, she isn't able to get off because it's just like a chore for her.

I want to break the cycle. I can't take it anymore. PIDE is threatening to ruin my marriage and my entire life.


MY PLAN


The plan is to rewire my brain to get rewards only when I'm with my wife.

All other forms of stimuli are prohibited.

My first goal is to last 30 days and try sex

The sex should be mild, lots of touching, caressing, kissing and should not last any longer than what my wife is comfortable with.
Basically, the complete opposite of what I was doing before.

If it doesn't work, continue with the program and try again.


This is what I think I'm comfortable with for my first reboot. If any of you guys have any suggestions, feel free to comment.

Now, the suggested Q&A:

Did I use porn today?
No.
What were my triggers?
No porn related triggers, today.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Didn't really have any. P came across my mind a few times today. Chased it away by saying "fuck that shit". Out loud.
What am I grateful for today?
For starting this journal.

Day 5 of my reboot.

Starting to feel it. I knew today was gonna be hard when I got out of bed this morning. I feel a certain "weight"  in my pelvic floor.

Everything else seems to be ok.

I thought of porn a couple of times today, but was able to destroy those thoughts, immediately.

Was busy all day, checking the forum, everytime I felt unease.

Been working, took three walks, listened to hardcore heavy metal to pump myself up, spent the afternoon with my daughter.

Thought about how much harm I did to myself over the years.

Q&A

Did I use porn today?
No.
What were my triggers?
No triggers to use porn. Triggers to think about porn were many.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Checking out the forum, heavy metal music, repeating "fuck that shit" whenever P appeared in my thoughts.
What am I grateful for today?
For having this chance to save myself.

Day 6

Today was a good day.

Had no problems enduring. I had no urges, no tension in my pelvic floor, nothing.

I noticed, while in the shower, that my dick was kind of numb. No sexual/masturbatory sensations, whatsoever. I wonder is this flatlining? Seems a bit early, as I read other people's journals...

Can't wait for tomorrow.

Q&A

Did I use porn today?
No.
What were my triggers?
No triggers to use porn.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Kept busy all day with housework. Spent the evening with friends.
What am I grateful for today?
For easily getting through the day.

Day 7

Just woke up, dry humping the mrs. Thankfully, our daughter woke up, aswell. I don't wanna have sex before I reach the 30 day mark. So, I guess the feeling I had yesterday wasn't the flatline, afterall. This is all so confusing. Maybe I'm overthinking it.

Almost slipped. Was massaging my SO's back tonight, got INCREDIBLY horny, jolted out of bed, ran out of the house, almost hyperventilating as my heart was racing. Had to calm down, to get myself together.

I still haven't reached my goal and I think I would objectify her during sex again and I want sex with her to be loving and mutual and beautiful and everything we both deserve and nothing like it was before.

I don't think I'm ready. I have no idea when I'll be, but it's not tonight. I don't want to get discouraged by failing to finish again, this early in my reboot.

Delayed ejaculation is destructive and it made both of us feel horrible so many times. So many times I tried so hard to get off, so many times I saw her not enjoying sex, so many times we said nothing to each other about it, pretended everything was ok, avoided the subject entirely.

Delayed ejaculation got us to the point where we wouldn't engage in sex for months. The whole physical, carnal if you will, part of our lives was gone. That being said, our marriage started to suffer with us lashing out at each other over even the most minuscule things.

I came to realize that, in order for this to work, I will have to change EVERYTHING I do. Rebooting isn't only about healing myself from years of porn use and the dysfunctions I brought onto myself by using porn.

Rebooting is much more.

It's finding peace, knowing what I want to be, setting my goals in life. It is maybe the biggest thing that has ever happened to me.

Tomorrow morning will definitely be a test for me. Tomorrow my wife and daughter leave the house, early. That means I'll be alone in the morning. Mornings were always my favorite time to PMO. I can't remember when was the last morning I didn't do it. I believed it relieves me of stress and gives me an egde to get through my days. Fucking idiot.

Q&A

Did I use porn today?
No.
What were my triggers?
No triggers to use porn.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Spent the day with family. No stress or anxienty, except a few sexual thoughts, which I fought off, effortlessly. Was stressing tonight, but fought the urges off with deep breathing and remembering why I'm in this.
What am I grateful for today?
For getting through my very first week P clean,  for the first time in almost 20 years.

Day 8

Got through the morning. Did not look at porn, although I was tempted. MW was killing me.

Did not M or O.

Instead, I used my morning to spread the message: linking RN, YBOP, YBR, Gary Wilson's TED speech to youtube videos on delayed ejaculation, sharing my story.

That's how I got here. I saw a youtube video on DE and a youtube comment was pointing to PEGym. Although, that place wasn't for me, it led me here. So, I owed that guy a HUGE thank you. Funny how the universe works.

What sickens me is that there are some people on youtube who charge for advice on DE.

On my way to work. Feeling victorious as I got through my 1st week and 1st morning in a very long time.
Over a decade, shit.

We have a saying in my part of the globe: "bite your tongue before you make a statement", but I'm starting to like this. This build up of character through discipline and willpower. Rebooting starts to apply for other segments of life. Feeling hopeful.

Just read through your journal. Keep up the good work... I used to convince myself that PMO was healthy--- a way to relieve stress and keep the pipes clean... well ... I could not be more wrong.  Anyhow, keep up the great work. I am going to check out the Ted video you referenced.

mickey777, thanks for the support, brother. Things are looking good, today

Day 9

The easiest one so far. No urges, no pelvic floor issues.

I felt some kind of positive energy, today. As if everything got a little bit sharper, so to speak. I had more patience at work, was harder for me to get irritated. Also, I noticed a certain rise of confidence. I definitely feel good about myself today.

Was triggered to think about sex. My wife was getting ready for her yoga class, but thankfully, left.

Did I use porn today?
No.
What were my triggers?
No triggers to use porn. Triggers to think about sex is my wife and her godddamn yoga pants.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
No anxieties or stress. Checking the forum. Doing stuff: taking a walk with my daughter, playing with her, being a dad.
What am I grateful for today?
For having an easy day. I hope there will be many more of these.

Day 10

I told my wife. I told her about my porn addiction. I told her that as a result of that I have DE. I told her that I have decided to fight it. I showed her this forum. She was understanding and supportive and willing to hear me out. She always knew, obviously, that I had a problem but she never realized the cause, let alone the extent of what the REAL problem was: porn.

Then she confessed to me. She told me that, after years of having me as a partner,  she lost her sexual identity and that she has grown tired of trying to give me pleasure, because all of her efforts (almost) always resulted in me jerking off, while she's just...there. She resented me because of that and sex started to become extremely tedious, repetitive and, on most occasions, not pleasant at all. She also told me that, because of our sex life was so bad, she started to think we are destined to fail as a couple. Basically I was less of a man in her eyes.

That really shook me. I mean, I was aware of all this, but hearing her say it in detail and the fact that I have been doing this to her (and me) for years really got me. We have talked about it on numerous occasions before, but this time it hit me like a sledgehammer. It was a sobering and shocking experience, because this time we had the root and the cause of the problem flat out  on the table.

After telling her about my reboot/rewiring plan, we agreed that it is a good starting point. We are both aware that it will take some serious dedication and perseverance on my part, but we really don't think we have much, if any, other options.

She said that she will support me to the best of her abilities, while I'm in reboot, which just goes to show how big of a person she is and how much she loves me. I feel like crying, right now.

Anyway, I am now set on telling my best friend. I never discussed any of this with him before, but have to do it. It will be a different kind of conversation, I bet. The people on the forum(s) are great and give support and motivation, but I need support from my friends and family, because reboot is, seemingly, taking me for the ride of my life.

Symptoms I'm having:

The bad ones:
- harder and more persistent MW's
- thinking about sex
- lusting after my wife

The good ones:
- being more aware of how I dress ad look
- my concentration is better
- boost in confidence

Did I use porn today?
No.
What were my triggers?
No triggers to use porn. Triggers to thing about it is MW, mainly. Triggers to think about sex were many, today.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
I'm hanging pretty good. For the past ten day, no special anxienty or stress.
What am I grateful for today?
For having the most amazing woman in the world as my wife.

Day 11

I am liking this. Sure, the are some times I need relief, but this is doing wonders for me. It doesn't matter if I'm just another newbie saying this but fuckin' bring it. I'll tear down every fucking hunger reboot throws at me. I am not going back. Relapse? Relapse over what? The shit I did for years? Fuck that. I am stronger, smarter, better than that. Fuck you.

Had extreme MW this morning, made myself a cup of coffee, put Hatebreed on and starved it out.

Writing in this journal is therapy. Writing and thinking and reading and thinking some more. This gives me the edge to get by. Not jerking off to saddening, unhealthy and alienating porn.

I have the confidence and belief in myself to beat this. Simple as that. I have urges and cravings and the feeling of fullness, but I will not spit myself in the face.

I have too much respect for my wife, myself and our marriage to be weak and succumb to the pressure.

Going strong.

Day 12

Felt no pain. Mental or physical. Urges were present during the morning, but went away. It was a stressfull day, because I had to work late. So, I was busy.

Met up with my best friend for lunch break. After telling my wife about my problems I had to tell him, also. I needed a guy's perspective on this. So I did. I told him about reboot and how I got here. I told him about why I need this and everything I was going through before kicking PMO.

He was confused at first, but could relate to some extent. He never thought about it, but it made sense. I seemed to have hit a chord with him, because he started talking about the PA problem, he gets occasionally. He was curious about breaking down my confession to the root and the consequence and the logic. He totally understood what I was saying, because he's a guy.
He said: "Man, I get why you never talked about this before, but it makes sense to me. Seems like you got your plan pretty much covered, but if it ever get's hard for you - talk to me. I got your back."

It was liberating to share with him. Like someone lifted a huge boulder of my chest. Telling my wife was one thing - it was emotional and confusing (for her) and shameful and awkward, but telling my best friend, was something else. He GOT the whole story.

Day 13

I took a shower and as I was getting ready to go out, I noticed something. My wife was in the living room and, as soon as I walked in to get a glass of water, she gave me that 'look'. The same kind of look I noticed getting from some of the females on the street or at work, lately. That flirty, chemistry changing look. The look I haven't seen in her eyes for a long long time. I saw a flame I thought was extinguished by all the frustrations I had. I asked is there something wrong and she smiled and said she thought I look good.

I started paying a lot more attention to how I look and how I drees. My posture has improved and I feel good in my own skin. I presume, it shows.

Since I started rebooting, we don't snap into arguments anymore. Sure, it's still early, but I can't help the feeling that things are changing for the better. I only hope it stays this way.

Q&A
Did I use porn today?
No.
What were my triggers?
No triggers to use porn. Still dealing with the MW urges, but things are looking better.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Getting stuff done around the house. The lawn mower sound chases all the urges away
What am I grateful for today?
For finding the balls to get off my ass and try to fix my life. This is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Day 14

Had the hardest morning since I began my reboot.
Never came close to relapse, but it crossed my mind a few times.

I had a massive trigger watching my wife getting dressed for work.

Plugged in my guitar and it all went away.

Almost halfway there. Turns out I'm stronger than I thought I would be, because a few months ago, hell even weeks ago, this would be unthinkable.

The thing I absolute love about reboot is the philosophy behind it. Improving the quality of life. I love how it feels when I obliterate the urges and weaknesses. Nothing brough up this much character and willpower and positive energy in my entire life.

Staying on course  8)

Day15

I looked at porn yesterday. I was thinking about how I reached the halfway mark. No, it wasn't a treat, but more of a test for myself. I've had this feeling that I am not addicted and I was curious about how it'll make me feel. I shouldn't have done it. No, I didn't relapse. No, I didn't M or edge. No, it didn't give me an erection. I felt guilt and shame looking at it. It was only for a minute or two and I swear it did not feel good at all.

This is the first time I felt REAL anxiety, since the beginning of my reboot. I clicked on the little "x" in the corner and that was that.

I shouldn't have done it because it made me angry with myself, because looking at it was like looking in a mirror. It was a flood of negative emotions. The fear, the anxiety and the disgust with myself got me angry.


I will not be doing it again. I wasn't scared that I could relapse over it, because I won't. I was scared because I pumped my confidence everyday and really started to feel great and this just filled me up with negatives.

Still on course

Overall: My mood is great, had no difficulties going through my day. My focus is shifting a bit from the things I shouldn't do in my day to day life, but more on the things I should do to improve it.

Day 17

Feeling amazing. Things are definitely going in the right direction. I have a better communication with my wife, I am way more focused on things she says and on our relationship. I am able to multi-task more easily at work and I have more patience regarding everything I do.

The urges are still present, but are becoming more easy to control.

Have a lot of work at the office this week, but that is only going to help me go through the days.

Essentially, so far, I'm killing it  8)

Hey vispren,

Just read your journal and it sounds like you are crushing it! If it is encouraging at all, I also have DE, and I've been trying to reboot for about 6 weeks (with ~ 3 relapses, one of which happenned today --the thing that is encouraging is that even though I have relapsed (which pisses me off!) I can tell you that my DE is definitely getting so much better.

One word of warning-the only time I relapse is when I take the reboot for granted. I'm not saying to dwell on it, but for me, for now, it needs some daily maintenance!

Rock on!

johngalt75321, thanks for the support, brother. I hope I'll succeed. Sorry to hear you relapsed, but just restart and learn from it. I replied to your journal

Day 18

Mornings are still my low points. MW, cravings for sex, porn thoughts hit and run. I prevailed again, but I am starting to wish for the flatline to hit me. It seems things would be easier. I PMOed to "wake up" for so many years, that it's only logical I'm having troubles now that I'm PMO free.

Anyway, aside from having difficulties in the morning(s), no urges that require 'special' attending to. I don't have to battle it like I did earlier.

I have reached an obstacle, though. One I will have to bulldoze over with sheer willpower.

It became cold here where I live really fast. This in my part of the world means - pantyhose. Hosed legs everywhere. As I have a legs/foot fetish, this is driving me crazy. Now, I won't relapse over that, but it just makes reboot harder for me. It was hard as it is because no porn filtering software worked (benigne feet imagery is porn to me), now this shit? Seriously, how fucked up am I? I won't get turned as much on during the summer, when the women are half naked. Instead, I get driven insane during the autumn/fall. Christ...

Anyway. Today is my 18th day. Unbelievable.

Stronger than ever

Just wanted to say well done on your eighteen days. Keep going man.

Mikel, thanks for the support. It does feel good.

Day 19

Godmode on. I feel ironclad. As if nothing can touch me. I woke up (trigger from mw) , my wife was getting dressed for work (trigger, again). Said good morning and made myself a cup of tea, as were chatting before she left. Went out to the patio and got on the forum.

I changed my morning routine during the past two weeks, because it was the hardest part of my days in reboot.

I used to:

- not talk very much to my wife (because I was craving porn, not small talk)
- waiting for her to leave
- drink coffee, while surfing for porn
- PMO
- continue with my day

And now it's like this:

- talking about anything (too keep my mind from triggering the need for porn)
- walk with wife to her car
- have a cup of tea instead of coffee (have no explanation for this, except that somehow tea reminds me that the routine has changed)
- check the forum (get amped up on my progress so far)
- take a shower
- continue with my day

I found that by changing the routine, although it doesn't seem like much, it really does help keep the urges at bay. It didn't right off the bat, but it was a gradual process that is starting to have effects. As I said yesterday, mornings are still my low points, so I had to do something.

Another thing that really jacks up my confidence is hardcore heavy metal. I've always listened to it, but I found that by listening to Hatebreed I become really pumped. I then channel that feeling towards eliminating the urges. And the lyrics are motivating:

"This Is Now"

Another memory and I'm asking myself
How can I let the past be the past.
Once and for all take a hold of the future
And not let it control what I aspire to have.
I see where my decisions have brought me
What's done is done and it's time to start again
Can't let it tear me in two waste me away
I gotta believe
Cause this is now
How can I change tomorrow if I can't change today?
This is now
If I control myself I control my destiny."

I get that this may seem silly to some people, but heavy music has always been something that influences me on some level and some Hatebreed songs really fit in the picture. It just gives me an edge and confidence to believe that this can be done. Once you start believing in something, it most likely materialises.

So far so good, moving on 8)

Cool. Sounds like you're right 'on it'. By changing the negative parts of your routine to positive actions is the right way to go.

I find, by wallowing in my own head and not speaking to anyone, doesn't help me at all. Like you said, even just small talk can get you out of yourself even just for a brief moment.

Day 20

Scumbag brain.
It is triggering lustful thoughts on just about anything today. It's a good sign I guess, as the brain is screaming for dopamine.

Since the beginning of my reboot I was rarely triggered to think about porn. Instead, my brain craved sex. I had to take steps necessary to stop me from having it (telling the wife what's going on inside my body so she wouldn't give me any, even if I beg).

Now the fucker is punishing me, triggering on anything even slightly associated with what I percieve as sexual.

It's trying to compromise, getting me turned on out of my skull just by looking at my wife eat, for example

So, the only logical thing to do is to go Total War. I have 10 more days to go, until my first go at sex. Until then, I'm going hardmode. No TV, no social networks, no Youtube, no checking females out, nothing. Just work and quality time with my kid.

Not sure exactly how much this will suck. I'm guessing: a lot.

As I am typing this on my phone, my peripheral vision caught a hot girl passing by. I checked her ass out. Well, shit.

We don't call it hard mode for nothing.

Wish me luck.