Hey All,
I wanted to introduce myself, tell you my story and ask for your help and support.
I am 27 years old, I started using P when I was around 10 years old, I found out that is a problem when I was about 21 years old and since 4 years I am fighting for a better life.
I was a heavy user. I remember getting back from middle school and high school and spending my whole afternoon doing PMO.
I started working with my addiction 4 years ago. Difficult to say what was the trigger to stop, but as you see from the above timeline, I knew for some time that something was wrong with me. I remember very well the time when I told myself that I want to stop. It coincided with a very demanding and stressful time for me. It was the end of my student exchange in another country. I was taking part in a student competition there and I was very much into it. Not everything went according to my plan with the competition and so difficult experience from that went together with the withdrawal. And the withdrawal was an absolute nigthmare, I had an absolutely wrecking withdrawal that ruined all my summer and actually ruined some of my career plans (it was a time when students like me then used to take up internships - I had a panic attack on the first day of my internship and withdrew altogether).
I managed to stay away from PMO for a very long time. During these 4 years it happened that I viewed P, but it never ballooned to a full relapse. They were one-offs, usually stopped quickly and took time to get back to my real self. So from P's perspective, I can say that my recovery was quite a success.
Or at least I thought so. What I got into after fighting P was essentially quite the same, even if not so extreme ? it was all kinds of artificial stimulation: staring at women in public places, watching women in bikini's in the net, looking up celebrities' pics in the net, perusing facebook accounts while looking for pics of girls. It?s not that I got into that straight away after I started ?my rehab?, it happened gradually.
I think there was a period when I was really clean, just after I started fighting. But then, with time, the addiction stroke back with all the rationalizations (like ?viewing pics is nothing bad?, or ?spotting girls is pretty normal ? I mean everyone does it, don?t they??) and this was where I had difficulties to cope.
Nor was the intensity high, but it did affect me, it took away the focus. And of course those situations almost inevitably lead to browsing P in the. So to me it really turned out that quitting litterally PMO and that ?P? in itself extends much further than I ever thought.
I?m not saying to discourage any of you guys out there, who are looking for girlfriends, from being attracted and investing genuine interest in contacts with women.
But my situation was kind of different ? I had a girlfriend (she is now my wife), my high-school sweetheart (one sided this one was in high-shool, though) around. A woman I love. A beautiful woman. Still, that didn?t stop me from looking around and at the same time being quite constantly dissatisfied with her, mainly from a sexual point of view (?why couldn?t she have more up front, that would be really cool? ? I spent significant amount of time browsing plastic surgery sites). Many times I had been asking myself, why am I comparing her all the time to other girls, in the real life, or in the Internet or wherever.
Most of my struggles with PMO the problems came at a time where I started having problems with managing my emotions. And the last few years have been an eventful and stressful period in life, as I guess many guys at this age/stage in life would agree: my first steps at work after completing university, relationship with my girlfriend, moving out from my parents. I sometimes managed to speak about my emotions, concentrate on them, talk about them to friends and people at work. But it did not always work. Nor was I always dedicated to look out and ask for help.
I went to therapy half a year after I decided to start fighting addiction and I?ve been now seeing my therapist week in, week out, for more than 3.5 years now.
Therapy gave me a lot ? I?ve been able to get through many ?legacy? and childhood issues, mainly dealing with being raised in a very demanding family, where delivering perfection was treated as a standard. I started feeling my emotions, being in a contact with myself those bad ones as well and living with them. We talked through many, many issues and I read ?Don?t call it love? of Patrick Carnes a few times (I recommend, in my opinion a good read about some basics of the addiction and recovery).
Nevertheless, most of the slip-ups happened during the therapy iteself. I guess it just goes to show that the nature of the addiction is really nasty and it bites even if you do try to ?the right things?.
I also had issues getting back to a healthy life in all aspects. Those years ago, when I was starting out with recovery, it was happening that I hade ED. Then I had PE. Then it sometimes felt as if I had both (yeah, I?m one of those ?lucky? guys...). The PE is still a problem for me.
I think a real breakthrought for me happened several weeks ago. I discovered YBOP. First, I saw the films about the nature of the modern PMO addiction, then I started browsing other materials. If course, not all at once. Of course, hesitantly, in a way, as the addiction does not want to let hold of you and will tell you: ?you don?t need that, why bother??. But inevitably I found out that there is a gigantic community of people helping each other, out there in the Internet.
I?m not sure what does the fact that I discovered this site so late tell about my recovery.
I think I got complacent.
It seems I been ?evading life? for quite some time now. Not totally, not wholly, but evading enough not to really live it fully, in the good and the bad, and be constantly present. Instead, many of those small steps, small cranks in the armour, were holding me back. This addiction really is much stronger than me.
I feel I want to get rid of all the artificial stimulation and it is a challenge. I can see now, I really got used to viewing Internet in an unhealthy way. Same applies to how I look at women in real life.
I am here to ask you guys for help. If any single one of you can relate to whatever that I wrote above, please let me know ? either here in the thread or through a private message. I am not sure if I am open enough to share my emotions and difficult here in this open thread. I know that is the trick but still it feels a bit difficult ? I guess I would feel more at ease if I could write a private message to someone. If any of you want to share anything with me or ask ? please do.
I have a friend, who is recovering from a gambling addiction - he recently wrote on his blog that it is good to think, every time you come back, that this is this time. That this time it is for good. That this time it will last. I think it's a great thought. Hope is central.
I?m keeping my fingers crossed for all of us.
Jan
I wanted to introduce myself, tell you my story and ask for your help and support.
I am 27 years old, I started using P when I was around 10 years old, I found out that is a problem when I was about 21 years old and since 4 years I am fighting for a better life.
I was a heavy user. I remember getting back from middle school and high school and spending my whole afternoon doing PMO.
I started working with my addiction 4 years ago. Difficult to say what was the trigger to stop, but as you see from the above timeline, I knew for some time that something was wrong with me. I remember very well the time when I told myself that I want to stop. It coincided with a very demanding and stressful time for me. It was the end of my student exchange in another country. I was taking part in a student competition there and I was very much into it. Not everything went according to my plan with the competition and so difficult experience from that went together with the withdrawal. And the withdrawal was an absolute nigthmare, I had an absolutely wrecking withdrawal that ruined all my summer and actually ruined some of my career plans (it was a time when students like me then used to take up internships - I had a panic attack on the first day of my internship and withdrew altogether).
I managed to stay away from PMO for a very long time. During these 4 years it happened that I viewed P, but it never ballooned to a full relapse. They were one-offs, usually stopped quickly and took time to get back to my real self. So from P's perspective, I can say that my recovery was quite a success.
Or at least I thought so. What I got into after fighting P was essentially quite the same, even if not so extreme ? it was all kinds of artificial stimulation: staring at women in public places, watching women in bikini's in the net, looking up celebrities' pics in the net, perusing facebook accounts while looking for pics of girls. It?s not that I got into that straight away after I started ?my rehab?, it happened gradually.
I think there was a period when I was really clean, just after I started fighting. But then, with time, the addiction stroke back with all the rationalizations (like ?viewing pics is nothing bad?, or ?spotting girls is pretty normal ? I mean everyone does it, don?t they??) and this was where I had difficulties to cope.
Nor was the intensity high, but it did affect me, it took away the focus. And of course those situations almost inevitably lead to browsing P in the. So to me it really turned out that quitting litterally PMO and that ?P? in itself extends much further than I ever thought.
I?m not saying to discourage any of you guys out there, who are looking for girlfriends, from being attracted and investing genuine interest in contacts with women.
But my situation was kind of different ? I had a girlfriend (she is now my wife), my high-school sweetheart (one sided this one was in high-shool, though) around. A woman I love. A beautiful woman. Still, that didn?t stop me from looking around and at the same time being quite constantly dissatisfied with her, mainly from a sexual point of view (?why couldn?t she have more up front, that would be really cool? ? I spent significant amount of time browsing plastic surgery sites). Many times I had been asking myself, why am I comparing her all the time to other girls, in the real life, or in the Internet or wherever.
Most of my struggles with PMO the problems came at a time where I started having problems with managing my emotions. And the last few years have been an eventful and stressful period in life, as I guess many guys at this age/stage in life would agree: my first steps at work after completing university, relationship with my girlfriend, moving out from my parents. I sometimes managed to speak about my emotions, concentrate on them, talk about them to friends and people at work. But it did not always work. Nor was I always dedicated to look out and ask for help.
I went to therapy half a year after I decided to start fighting addiction and I?ve been now seeing my therapist week in, week out, for more than 3.5 years now.
Therapy gave me a lot ? I?ve been able to get through many ?legacy? and childhood issues, mainly dealing with being raised in a very demanding family, where delivering perfection was treated as a standard. I started feeling my emotions, being in a contact with myself those bad ones as well and living with them. We talked through many, many issues and I read ?Don?t call it love? of Patrick Carnes a few times (I recommend, in my opinion a good read about some basics of the addiction and recovery).
Nevertheless, most of the slip-ups happened during the therapy iteself. I guess it just goes to show that the nature of the addiction is really nasty and it bites even if you do try to ?the right things?.
I also had issues getting back to a healthy life in all aspects. Those years ago, when I was starting out with recovery, it was happening that I hade ED. Then I had PE. Then it sometimes felt as if I had both (yeah, I?m one of those ?lucky? guys...). The PE is still a problem for me.
I think a real breakthrought for me happened several weeks ago. I discovered YBOP. First, I saw the films about the nature of the modern PMO addiction, then I started browsing other materials. If course, not all at once. Of course, hesitantly, in a way, as the addiction does not want to let hold of you and will tell you: ?you don?t need that, why bother??. But inevitably I found out that there is a gigantic community of people helping each other, out there in the Internet.
I?m not sure what does the fact that I discovered this site so late tell about my recovery.
I think I got complacent.
It seems I been ?evading life? for quite some time now. Not totally, not wholly, but evading enough not to really live it fully, in the good and the bad, and be constantly present. Instead, many of those small steps, small cranks in the armour, were holding me back. This addiction really is much stronger than me.
I feel I want to get rid of all the artificial stimulation and it is a challenge. I can see now, I really got used to viewing Internet in an unhealthy way. Same applies to how I look at women in real life.
I am here to ask you guys for help. If any single one of you can relate to whatever that I wrote above, please let me know ? either here in the thread or through a private message. I am not sure if I am open enough to share my emotions and difficult here in this open thread. I know that is the trick but still it feels a bit difficult ? I guess I would feel more at ease if I could write a private message to someone. If any of you want to share anything with me or ask ? please do.
I have a friend, who is recovering from a gambling addiction - he recently wrote on his blog that it is good to think, every time you come back, that this is this time. That this time it is for good. That this time it will last. I think it's a great thought. Hope is central.
I?m keeping my fingers crossed for all of us.
Jan