To disclose or not to disclose to your loved ones?

rider654321

Active Member
I posted the following comment on another thread, and after typing it, realised its a discussion that might be worthy of a thread all of it own?

I have my own thoughts and reasons regarding whether or not it is better to disclose my addiction to my wife, and I accept everyone will have their own views. But I am interested to hear other peoples views and reasons, as if may give me a different perspective than that of my own.

So here is what I wrote on the other thread "Surprise"


This has been a very insightful and thought provoking thread Gracie and I thank you for your openness and honesty about your journey as a partner of an addict.

I have only just recently quit porn for good after 40+ years of heavy use that I can say was the direct cause of a failed marriage and all of the associated turmoil that creates in the lives of our children, and in the lives of our extended families. It was the direct cause of significant PIED problems that lead to self esteem issues, depression and a lot of suicidal thoughts on my part because I knew that it was "me" that caused all this havoc in my family. It was me who created all the pain and all of the hardship because of my own selfish addiction.

And yet to this day no one in my family knows or suspects I'd be a porn addict.

I am just an average guy who's pleasant, well mannered and likable. I have lots of friends, I have a generous spirit and an abundant willingness to help others where I can. I am successful in my field, my adult aged kids think I'm a fun loving easy going Dad who's always there to turn too, and always willing to be involved in their lives.

I have a wonderful caring and good natured second wife. She is gorgeous to look at (in fact I sometimes wonder how on earth she's with me), and we share a great life together. We do all the normal lovey dovie things daily. We kiss, we cuddle, we hold hands sitting on the couch watching Tv. I help out around the house, I help with the washing, the ironing and I'll even make dinner several times a week. PIED has affected our sex life but we managed to get around that in other ways so that we both still get to enjoy our sexual climaxes at least weekly, and often more.

Since quitting porn for good I have only seen our relationship go from good to better, and I have been using a lot of the non sexual bonding techniques to improve the level of intimacy within our relationship as I strive to become a much better husband than I have been before.

But the secret is there. I have lived a double life for more years than I care to remember. I have never physically cheated on either of my wives, but I acknowledge now that I had cheated on both of them emotionally. I have had online relationships that I actively encouraged 

The lie is still there, it has never been discovered. I feel a heavy burden realising just how much pain and sorrow my porn addiction has caused those that are and were closest to me. They have no idea that the root cause of the failure of my first marriage, and thus the failure of our once happy family, was entirely a result of my porn addiction  :(

I have a strong desire to come clean and spill my story, but I fear what will unfold in the wake of doing so? As I rationalise it to myself I know I'll feel relieved that my dirty secret is finally out. I know I'll feel a sense of relief and a weight lifted off my shoulders.

But then as I read accounts of how painful finding out has been for some of the other women who have contributed to this forum. It seems entirely selfish and unfair to burden my closest loved ones with the ugly truth that, at the very least, will be painful and hard to accept. And, at the very worst might be devastating and potentially relationship ending, particularly if I go with absolute full disclosure of the things I have done?

To my mind it would be entirely selfish of me to expose my loved ones to that kind of pain. My addiction long pre-dates my current wife's involvement in my life, so how can I possibly explain to her the lies and deception, and knowingly risk placing our relationship on an unknown and unfamiliar path?

I have given this so much thought over the past few weeks of my reboot. I know I'll never go back to what I was doing before. I feel so much shame for what I have done and for what I have wasted. I want to confess, but I believe this is a burden I have to carry as my punishment for my selfish indiscretions. I read of how others have been discovered or confessed, and how for them it's been a good thing. But as stupid as this sounds (given my past behaviour), I don't think I could hurt my family by confessing.

I'd appreciate any feedback that wives can offer? If you were a wife living in the same circumstances, would you want to know or would you rather things just be left to improve within the relationship?

       
 

luvlost

Member
I understand fully both sides of your story. I am one who discovered the addiction all on my own.  Bless you for doing the wonderful things you do as a couple.  In my situation, on the weekends we never left the house and would order dinner in so he wouldn't be far from the computer.  All the lies and his trying to hide things from me is what took the relationship down.  I hope and pray he would just admit the addiction and for that I would be the greatest support system because I love him!
I think this will be too terrible of a burden on you to hold this secret.  You may be surprised and discover perhaps your wife knows or has had a suspicion. Some wives choose to ignore...I dont know what kind of woman she is. I would expect lots of anger but after shes had time to absorb she will still love you.  I praise you for choosing the right path and wanting a better life for yourself
 

rider654321

Active Member
Hi luvlost

Thanks for your kind words.

Yes, the burden is heavy but I feel it's something I must shoulder alone. I have explained my reasons in another reply to Gracie and So Reboot partner in Gracie's thread "Surprise" when I posted the following.

  Hi Gracie, PMOV and SO Reboot Partner,

Thank you for your comments as I do appreciate your feed back and I value your perspective.

Reading your personal accounts, and in particular the way you describe the depth of the pain you went through once you found out reinforced why I feel it is better (at least in my case) to beat the addiction first and confess the success later.

The question was never moot, I did take on board your responses and applied them to my own circumstances, though our circumstances are different for many reasons. 

I can't risk putting my wife through the same suffering and heartache you ladies have endured and bravely shared. I have no idea how my wife will react if I tell her the full truth. I could tell her a lesser truth to protect her from the gorier details, but then that would still be a lie.

The most significant pain will come from having to shatter my wife's understanding of what we have together. She has been hurt by men who physically cheated on her in her past marriage and while she was in two other relationships.

Even though I know this will sound like the most massive of lame cop outs, she thinks the world of me and us (even despite my ED issues), and I don't want to rob her of that sense of what she believes she has with me by telling her now.

Edit to my original post: Our relationship is the first time in my wife's life (and she was 51 when we met) where she's been in a relationship and she felt she could fully trust the other person. (and yes, I am frightfully aware of how dreadful it is that I have broken that trust because of my addiction).

I do understand what you mean SO Reboot partner when you made the comment "she already knows there something is wrong in the marriage", however, in my case she doesn't, because things have been the same all along.

I was having a battle with ED from the beginning of my relationship with my current wife. Erections were hit and miss from the start and I used Cialas with some success, but ultimately we found other ways to be sexually intimate that were enjoyable and satisfying when penetration wasn't possible. So within our relationship there hasn't been any noticeable lack of desire or an absence of regular sexual contact. Our sexual contact was just different in that there wasn't always penetration. 

None of what I am saying is meant as an excuse to diminish the wrongness of my behaviour. The truth is my battle with p addiction long pre-dated my current wife's involvement in my life. The cancer of p addiction was in me well before she and I met. 

Weighing up the pro's and con's I believe that for now this needs to be my burden. I have to shoulder this and protect my wife from the kind of emotional trauma you ladies have endured. I know I have to take full ownership of the problem and work though it to fix myself for my wife's sake and my own.

I am well on my way now thanks to the support and information found here.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I would just like to say one more thing on this topic.  A lot of men seem to think that ED is the problem.  Even with ED or without ED we know there is something going on.  We don't say anything because we can't quite put on finger on it.  The way a man relates to his partner during porn use is different.  They act different.  I do not know how to put this in words.  There is a feeling that we get.  It is a sixth sense sort of a thing.  I know that my husband treats everyone different now.  Our family, acquaintances, his work, his hobbies.  A lot is affected by porn.  And while the SO is not the "superspy" I do think it makes the addict more accountable for their addiction choice.  It is easier to relapse when the triggers jump up and one can say, she didn't know before so she won't know now.  And even with the pain that this caused, we are closer than we ever were before because we can be 100% truthful all the time.  We can discuss what is bothering him, what is bothering me both small things and big things.  We are more patient with each other.  And the most amazing is the fact we trusted our marriage enough to work through this together.  That is the miracle of sharing the problem and the recovery.
 

rider654321

Active Member
I understand exactly what your saying Gracie and there is a lot of wisdom in your words.

I guess the common reality is that we each arrive at this point having lived through various different circumstances, and having had different life experiences as a result of porn addiction. Those circumstances and experiences effect us all differently, and as a result we will look upon someone else's situation though our own "filter" that was created by our own experiences.

I have learn't so much from YBOP and reboot nation. I have learnt the things I needed to know that I didn't know before and which caused me to fail time and time again. I'm on the right path and it feels unbelievably good.

Since educating myself on the way porn changed my brain I am so much more self aware. I'm not doing this reboot thing tough at all. I'm not fighting urges any more, and I'm not bothered by or being tested by constant triggers.

I also know that I'm not "fixed" after just 30 days either. I understand now what I put my brain through and I know I will have to remain vigilant of my thoughts for the remainder of my life.

These 30 days have proved I can do this and that I can do it easily. The difference has simply been having the right information. It was tougher in the first few weeks but after that, honestly, it has been like the clouds have parted and I can feel the sunlight shining through.

For me there will be no relapses. I have reached a point where going back to porn would be harder than just staying away from it.

I know what success over porn addiction feels like and I've seen how our relationship has blossomed. I am off and running. I feel like the guy who's jumping high and tapping my shoes together excited about what life has instore ahead. My eye is firmly fixed on a greater prize that porn can't possibly compete with.

I may well confess my success to my wife when I reach the 365 day mark, and even the benefit of doing that would have to be carefully weighed up when the time comes. We all have a past that pre-dates our partners, the details of past sexual encounters we had with our past lovers that we know are best kept private. Things we may have done in our youth that would shock our partners today if they knew. The thing is we all have secrets of some sort, and I count myself incredibly fortunate that I have found this site and been given the chance to change my life.     
 
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