Social anxiety and porn addiction

My boyfriend suffers from social anxiety and also porn addiction. He is rebooting at the moment but still has no sexual drive. Also his pills for his social anxiety lower his libido. How do you on similar situations deal with it? I'm finding it hard to carry on.

Porn addiction might very well be the reason for his social anxiety.  His libido will likely take a while to come back on a reboot as well.  It's a tough road through recovery and no one will fault you if you need to exit the relationship.  It's a lot to take on if you aren't married or have kids.

Sc148 said:

My boyfriend suffers from social anxiety and also porn addiction. He is rebooting at the moment but still has no sexual drive. Also his pills for his social anxiety lower his libido. How do you on similar situations deal with it? I'm finding it hard to carry on.

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There's not enough information here;
How old are you and he?
(if you don't mind me asking but it's very relevant)

How long have you been dating and were you sexually active for a while before this turn in libido?
What kind of social anxiety are we talking about?

So can you please be specific with that and what he's taking?

I'm not married and my girl didn't think of leaving me even though this was a tough phase in our lives.
I'm sure she did a lot of internet research just like you're doing now.

But what exactly do you want out of the relationship?
If you didn't care about the guy, you wouldn't be here.
But I can help you more if i knew more.

I love him more than anything and my main goal is to help him get better. He is 29 and I am 23, we've been together for 17 months. We were quite sexually active at the beginning but I started to notice a change around 8 months in. I would never leave him but obviously it's such a difficult situation, I also live away from family and friends who I don't feel comfortable speaking to about it out of respect for him. I know from research that the addiction could be the reason for the anxiety, he was worse before he met me but still feels uneasy engaging with others or being outside, he will do it but there is an obvious change in his behaviour and he withdraws. I think I personally have a problem with needing to know everything, which I don't think helps. Because this is new to me and him also, I'd just like some guidelines on how to deal with it, how to show him that I understand everything he is going through, but also how to get him to see my side of things.

So what you wrote is that he was worse before he met you.
I think he's just introverted and rather keep to himself.
I think people are blowing these prognosis out of the sky.
But weather you agree or disagree with my conclusion, if
social anxiety is so bad, why did you start dating him?

He was able to lure you in in spite of this.
But if you think it's tough now, wait until the middle of
the reboot. That's when most start acting miserable.
If he does indeed follow through with that.
I think it's good strategy.
But it's not gonna fix overnight.
In fact, I wouldn't put any time table on it.
I wouldn't be surprised if he's also doing internet research
on this issue as well.
What kind of meds is he taking?

Just pills to control his anxiety. But thanks for your thoughts anyway.

Sc148 said:

Just pills to control his anxiety. But thanks for your thoughts anyway.

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Ok, ok, I probably came on pretty aggressive. Sorry for that.
But I am interested in your case.
I don't know how well you've known this guy before you started dating. It's just that
I'm keen on social inactivity or those who try to avoid social situations.
As far as social anxiety, I know a great deal about the subject and the term social anxiety
is starting to be such a go-to phrase for anyone who's not outgoing.
Ask me how I know  8)

Yeah I never had social anxiety until I got addicted to internet porn. It didn't take long...a few months of use and it was like flipping a switch to the "off"position. My libido tanked with real women and, with that, I got nervous around women and everyone else for that matter. I couldn't assert myself, yet I had no problem with that before. I used to be gregarious in my pre-internet porn days. So the viscous circle began: porn fed my social anxiety, my social anxiety caused me to retreat to porn, porn, porn. I've been reading a lot of stories and social anxiety is a huge issue for porn addicts, and many suggest it goes away once their true libido comes back.

Weepy Willy said:

Yeah I never had social anxiety until I got addicted to internet porn. It didn't take long...a few months of use and it was like flipping a switch to the "off"position. My libido tanked with real women and, with that, I got nervous around women and everyone else for that matter. I couldn't assert myself, yet I had no problem with that before. I used to be gregarious in my pre-internet porn days. So the viscous circle began: porn fed my social anxiety, my social anxiety caused me to retreat to porn, porn, porn. I've been reading a lot of stories and social anxiety is a huge issue for porn addicts, and many suggest it goes away once their true libido comes back.

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I can accept that there could be a link between porn abuse and social anxiety.
But you can be born socially inward, shy, and introverted.
For example, there could be a link between alcoholism and anger issues.
But you could also be born with a bad temper which had nothing to do with
drinking. I'd like to know some background before someone opens up initially
by saying that they know someone is abusing porn and that they have social anxiety.

It's like meeting someone who is reclusive and no people skills. Then you automatically
think well this person must be looking at porn and jacking off. I think we need to use
caution and our better judgement before jumping to that conclusion. Another point I'd
like to make is that there really is no medication for social anxiety. Any drug a
doctor give you has more to do with anti-depressant but gets lumped into the
social anxiety bucket. It's the truth. This is also why I want to know exactly which
pills he's taking.

Now Weepy,
everything you mentioned in your post is probably spot on. I'm not going to argue
with what you experienced. With this case that we're commenting on, the guy
didn't seem to have a problem finding a date or sustaining a girlfriend.
I've read other porn abusers on this forum talking about how they have PIED
but still go to the nightclubs and talk to women. Now of course, they have
issues getting aroused but don't have severe problems getting to know them
to even make it to that point.

And you know what?
They probably do feel uncomfortable or anxious but if getting attention from women is a priority
in your life, you'll fight through that. It's more or less the rejection that people have
a hard time with so some don't even try. It's easier not trying because they know that
they can't get rejected. Thus backing into the dark halls of porn addiction.

I just like to examine the situation from all angles and go from there.

You didn't come on aggressive, but i did feel that I came here for support and advice from people (preferably partners) that are in similar situations to me and I felt slightly judged by you. Anyway, he gets physical symptoms when meeting new people of being in large groups such as sweating or panic attacks, and the pills will usually get rid of these. I do think that the porn addiction which he admits he must of become dependent on for 7 years before meeting me, is probably the cause of this. I knew him for about a year as he was the housemate of my old work colleague. Also, I don't like the phrase 'lured you in', I'd like to stress that what annoys me the most is that around me, he is the most wonderful, funny, clever and sweet guy I have ever met, but he feels no one else will see this.

Hi Sc148.

Everyone I think has bouts of social anxiety at different times, for many reasons and different levels. Fear of judgment and criticism (a part of social anxiety) can be crippling and make functioning nearly impossible.

The medication he is taking hopefully part of a whole plan that includes more than just meds to help your partner overcome and deal positively with social anxiety. How that plan aligns with his reboot might be something you both need to discuss together because you are both unique and on the front line here.

Some of the things that are very UN-helpful would include trying to forecast or anticipate what will happen. Fortune telling (even if it is seemingly disguised as advice) is not helpful. He's obviously trying to take steps to address both PMO issues and social anxiety, how you fit into that is something to talk with him about.

did you ask him if he's always had social anxiety?
One thing porn can do for certain is make men look at women as sex objects.
The meds that he's taking are probably some beta blockers or something to deal with hypertension.
Not saying he has hypertension but something similar that can control adrenaline and stress responses
such as the sweating he gets when he's feeling an attack. It's not a cure.
Obviously, I think recovering from rebooting will help but ultimately, it will
be his attitude that can change the tide. Maybe he doesn't mind that he has
this anxiety?
Have you spoken to him about that?
I'm serious, some people don't mind no matter how tough it is to deal with.
Because I think in their head if he can still function like an adult and do the
same things like date, then what other incentive is there to change?

I'm only telling you what might be going on in his mind.
I definitely encourage rebooting and living a lifestyle porn free.
But I think your post puts a lot of emphasis on the social anxiety.

Like SORP explained, it's all in the head. It's the fear of judgment and criticism and the attacks get
worse when the attention is on him. Even if it's from people he knows and loves.

I used to date someone who was bi-polar which is a lot worse.
When she was acting sweet, no one was sweeter but when she's acting up, it just got to much
for me to see anything long term. But I knew this from day 1 and gave it a chance.
Just like you're giving this a chance.
So this is probably the first challenge your relationship is facing?
How long has he been rebooting?