Devastated72
Member
I?m so pleased I have found this site and I?m really hoping any of you can offer any advice. I?ve been with my husband for 23 years and we have 2 children together (15&20).
I have always had a high sex drive and my husband hasn?t. But I kinda accepted that because I love him and can?t imagine being with anyone else. Even in the beginning sex was around once per week but we had a good relationship. Over the years it has gotten less and less and we have been in what is known as a sexless marriage (less than 10 times per year) for at least 10 years. It has not been easy and I have cried myself to sleep so many many times. I love sex and intimacy and I have had conversations with my husband about all of this. I have never belittled him or been nasty about it but have explained my feelings in a loving manner and have not tried to make him feel bad. I think I have been a loving and understanding wife. Many times we have had this conversation and my husband has sworn he just doesn?t have a sexual drive but would try harder to become more intimate. He said he loved me and does get turned on by me but is tired a lot of the time. Which I can understand to an extent but I couldn?t quite grasp the fact that he said I did turn him on but he never did anything about it. Believe me I have tried. He has a like for stockings and fishnets. He has even bought be them and I have got myself dressed up and come on to him and he has turned me down. I gave up with this a few years ago as I was deeply hurt by the rejection and felt unlovable unsexy and ugly. Again my husband used to say he was just tired. A few years into our marriage we got a computer and internet (late 90?s) and my husband would always stay up later (despite him being tired)! I found out that he was staying up late and watching porn. I was devastated as he had always said he didn?t have much of a sex drive so I believed even more he didn?t love or fancy me. He said he watched it but didn?t masturbate which I couldn?t understand and god knows why I naively believed him. But he was adamant he didn?t and I trusted him. Anyway I assumed it had stopped. I wasn?t that bothered about him watching porn but what bothered me was that he said he didn?t have a sex drive and if he did why would he watch that especially if he wasn?t masturbating with it and more to the point if he was getting turned on by porn why wasn?t he coming to me who had a high sex drive and was ready willing and able. I don?t have much self esteem as it is and this made me feel worse. But I suppose over the years I put my feelings aside and got on with life. I do love my husband and want to be with him forever even tho I know he doesn?t want sex as much as me. Anyway over the years sex got less and less to the point of non existent. Again every now and then I would bring the subject up and he would promise to change and sometimes even have sex within a few days of the conversation. I would think he was trying and live in hope it would last but the weeks would turn into months and then the months would turn into years. In he end I was not sleeping properly and would stay awake crying to myself. Our relationship was like flat mates rather than an intimate husband and wife. He would tell me he loved me and would give me a peck when he went to sleep and on his way to work and that was as far as it went. I?ve lost count of the times I?ve bawled my eyes out in private over our non sexual marriage but thought I didn?t want to pressure him as he used To say he felt bad and would try harder.
Recently over the past couple of years and even more so in the past 6months or so. We were more distant than ever. He seemed happy to get up go to work, come home lay on the sofa in front of tv, then go to bed and every day like ground hog day. I would run the household and basically do absolutely everything and always have done, even when the kids were younger it would be me on my own taking them out and doing things. But again I can?t stress about how much I love my husband and although not happy I can?t imagine my life without him.
Anyway last week (weds 19th Dec) I was clearing stuff and sorting laundry and came across an old phone of my husbands. He?s had his current one for a couple of years so I was confused as to why the old one was charged. I had began to wonder if he was having an affair because of our distant relationship so I looked into the phone. What I found absolutely floored me and I felt like my world collapsed. I found pages upon pages of shemale porn. I kinda went into shock and I can?t put into words how I felt. I felt like I was in a nightmare and would wake up. I rang my husband at work and asked him to come home (the children were out so it was the privacy we needed to discuss this). He came home and I said what had happened and that I wondered why his old phone was charged and asked him what he thought I had found. He didn?t try to deny anything and said ?transsexual porn? (at least he want denying it). I asked him to explain as I didn?t understand. He said that he had seen a picture of a shemale when he was a boy and was fascinated and since then has been turned on by shemales and regulary watched porn of this nature and masturbated. I mean, I appreciate his honesty with me but to say I am hurt and devastated is the understatement of the century. I didn?t freak out or kick off I sobbed and sobbed that I couldn?t catch my breath. He cuddled me and said he has been a shit husband and would I ever forgive him. I kept asking him why?? He said he wasn?t gay or bisexual but for some
Reason it really turned him
On. So I said ok and that although it was hard to trust anything he said I didn?t have much choice. But what really hurt me was the fact that he knew how upset I was over our sexless marriage and that all this time instead of having sex with me he was masturbating to shemale porn. I really really haven?t felt this bad ever. My world is floored. 23 years I have selflessly tried to understand his lack of a sex drive and tried to set this aside and lead a loving relationship with my husband and all of the time he has had a sex drive but instead of coming to his ready willing and able wife he has been pleasing himself over shemale porn.
I have no idea what to do or what to think. I feel like I can?t trust him and I don?t know what he really is. He has said he is not gay or bisexual and that he wants to be with me forever and (again) will try harder with our relationship and stop watching the porn and concentrate on me and have sex with me. But somehow I don?t believe this. I can?t, can I? If he wanted to have sex with me then why hasn?t he for years? I feel sick and ill that he has betrayed me all these years and feel used and hurt. He says he doesn?t have a problem and that we can pull together and sort through this. I wish it was that easy. I wish I could just blank out the past 23 years and the lie I?ve been living with but I can?t because it has happened and I can?t switch off my mind and I can?t change my husband. Please somebody help me.
I have always had a high sex drive and my husband hasn?t. But I kinda accepted that because I love him and can?t imagine being with anyone else. Even in the beginning sex was around once per week but we had a good relationship. Over the years it has gotten less and less and we have been in what is known as a sexless marriage (less than 10 times per year) for at least 10 years. It has not been easy and I have cried myself to sleep so many many times. I love sex and intimacy and I have had conversations with my husband about all of this. I have never belittled him or been nasty about it but have explained my feelings in a loving manner and have not tried to make him feel bad. I think I have been a loving and understanding wife. Many times we have had this conversation and my husband has sworn he just doesn?t have a sexual drive but would try harder to become more intimate. He said he loved me and does get turned on by me but is tired a lot of the time. Which I can understand to an extent but I couldn?t quite grasp the fact that he said I did turn him on but he never did anything about it. Believe me I have tried. He has a like for stockings and fishnets. He has even bought be them and I have got myself dressed up and come on to him and he has turned me down. I gave up with this a few years ago as I was deeply hurt by the rejection and felt unlovable unsexy and ugly. Again my husband used to say he was just tired. A few years into our marriage we got a computer and internet (late 90?s) and my husband would always stay up later (despite him being tired)! I found out that he was staying up late and watching porn. I was devastated as he had always said he didn?t have much of a sex drive so I believed even more he didn?t love or fancy me. He said he watched it but didn?t masturbate which I couldn?t understand and god knows why I naively believed him. But he was adamant he didn?t and I trusted him. Anyway I assumed it had stopped. I wasn?t that bothered about him watching porn but what bothered me was that he said he didn?t have a sex drive and if he did why would he watch that especially if he wasn?t masturbating with it and more to the point if he was getting turned on by porn why wasn?t he coming to me who had a high sex drive and was ready willing and able. I don?t have much self esteem as it is and this made me feel worse. But I suppose over the years I put my feelings aside and got on with life. I do love my husband and want to be with him forever even tho I know he doesn?t want sex as much as me. Anyway over the years sex got less and less to the point of non existent. Again every now and then I would bring the subject up and he would promise to change and sometimes even have sex within a few days of the conversation. I would think he was trying and live in hope it would last but the weeks would turn into months and then the months would turn into years. In he end I was not sleeping properly and would stay awake crying to myself. Our relationship was like flat mates rather than an intimate husband and wife. He would tell me he loved me and would give me a peck when he went to sleep and on his way to work and that was as far as it went. I?ve lost count of the times I?ve bawled my eyes out in private over our non sexual marriage but thought I didn?t want to pressure him as he used To say he felt bad and would try harder.
Recently over the past couple of years and even more so in the past 6months or so. We were more distant than ever. He seemed happy to get up go to work, come home lay on the sofa in front of tv, then go to bed and every day like ground hog day. I would run the household and basically do absolutely everything and always have done, even when the kids were younger it would be me on my own taking them out and doing things. But again I can?t stress about how much I love my husband and although not happy I can?t imagine my life without him.
Anyway last week (weds 19th Dec) I was clearing stuff and sorting laundry and came across an old phone of my husbands. He?s had his current one for a couple of years so I was confused as to why the old one was charged. I had began to wonder if he was having an affair because of our distant relationship so I looked into the phone. What I found absolutely floored me and I felt like my world collapsed. I found pages upon pages of shemale porn. I kinda went into shock and I can?t put into words how I felt. I felt like I was in a nightmare and would wake up. I rang my husband at work and asked him to come home (the children were out so it was the privacy we needed to discuss this). He came home and I said what had happened and that I wondered why his old phone was charged and asked him what he thought I had found. He didn?t try to deny anything and said ?transsexual porn? (at least he want denying it). I asked him to explain as I didn?t understand. He said that he had seen a picture of a shemale when he was a boy and was fascinated and since then has been turned on by shemales and regulary watched porn of this nature and masturbated. I mean, I appreciate his honesty with me but to say I am hurt and devastated is the understatement of the century. I didn?t freak out or kick off I sobbed and sobbed that I couldn?t catch my breath. He cuddled me and said he has been a shit husband and would I ever forgive him. I kept asking him why?? He said he wasn?t gay or bisexual but for some
Reason it really turned him
On. So I said ok and that although it was hard to trust anything he said I didn?t have much choice. But what really hurt me was the fact that he knew how upset I was over our sexless marriage and that all this time instead of having sex with me he was masturbating to shemale porn. I really really haven?t felt this bad ever. My world is floored. 23 years I have selflessly tried to understand his lack of a sex drive and tried to set this aside and lead a loving relationship with my husband and all of the time he has had a sex drive but instead of coming to his ready willing and able wife he has been pleasing himself over shemale porn.
I have no idea what to do or what to think. I feel like I can?t trust him and I don?t know what he really is. He has said he is not gay or bisexual and that he wants to be with me forever and (again) will try harder with our relationship and stop watching the porn and concentrate on me and have sex with me. But somehow I don?t believe this. I can?t, can I? If he wanted to have sex with me then why hasn?t he for years? I feel sick and ill that he has betrayed me all these years and feel used and hurt. He says he doesn?t have a problem and that we can pull together and sort through this. I wish it was that easy. I wish I could just blank out the past 23 years and the lie I?ve been living with but I can?t because it has happened and I can?t switch off my mind and I can?t change my husband. Please somebody help me.