Living In Freedom

Hey all,

Well, I have finally reached a point where I know I need the support of a community in order to break this habit.

I had a pretty painful fall last night, but like all bad things, it has made me realize how much good can come front it. Indeed, there is so much goodness just waiting to come out of this experience of rebooting, along with the deep friendships and trust that must emerge from a community like this.

Anyway, I am 28 years old, and have looked at P since I was 12--literally more than half of my life has been affected by this stuff. It was all very innocent in the beginning, but it became more hardcore as I got into high school and it became crazier in college. From college up until now I have experienced a Desensitization to P and I now find that I search for guys online, even though I am completely straight with real women in real life. It really freaked me out at first, but Gary Wilson's article has brought a lot of hope that my brain can return to its normal state--to the things that excited me from my youth.

My triggers are usually: alcohol, loneliness, sadness, anger, or when others dislike something I have done or make me feel small.

I am deceivingly sensitive. I was one of the "cool kids" in high school and college (if there is even such a thing); I am smart, athletic, I love to pray and go to Church, and I love serving others. Everyone thinks I have everything under control all the time (which from the outside I guess it seems that way), but in reality, on the inside, I am always afraid and I always feel I am not living up to everyone else's standards. I always worry way too much about what people think about me. No one would believe it, but I am deeply sensitive when people criticize something I have done or when someone says a comment that belittles me. I suppose my pride is to blame, but nevertheless, it is these types of moments where I always turn to PMO--and it always makes me feel a thousand times worse after the deed has been done.

I usually fall about once a week. I have had longer streaks (a few weeks at a time), and last year I even made it to 73 days! But I have fallen back into old habits and I am looking forward to rebooting and leaving this vice behind me in the dust.

The methods I am considering are:
- cold showers every day (I did this for Lent once, and although it really really sucks, it is pretty awesome and makes you feel manly at the same time).
- I plan on praying everyday and trying to find some Scripture passages that inspire me each day.
- I don't know a lot about the whole accountability partner aspect of rebooting, but I am willing to try it if someone wanted to fight the good fight together.

Thank you to all of you who are a part of this community, and thank you for your willingness to battle for true freedom. I would love any insight or feedback if you have any.

The thing I am grateful for today: the creators of this site and the Hope that is in my heart for a new beginning.

Day 2:

Things have been going pretty well. I have been able to catch up on sleep, do some work around the house, and get some reading done. Yesterday there was an intense chaser effect, but today has been pretty calm and peaceful. I can tell that I am more excited than I ever have been about seeing this mission to the end, and I am actually excited about the challenge. I feel like a man about to climb a mountain or preparing to explore a new land.

Life is good. Today I am grateful for sleep, the wood stove, and a good book.

Day 3:

I've noticed that day 3 and day 7 tend to be struggles for me. Today was no different. I feel tired and my mind has been preoccupied throughout the remainder of this day on "what if" scenarios. "What if I just 'stumble' across something in google images?" "What if I just start this challenge tomorrow?" Etc. still, I'm determined to persevere! I am tired of living in chains, and I desire my brain and my heart to be free once again.

Cold shower was very effective this morning (has made me feel quite manly throughout this whole day, as if I made a choice early on in this day to prepare myself for battle). Also, Prayer and Scripture have both been strong tools in keeping my mind on the prize.

Today I am grateful for: family and the innocence/joy of my children.
Today, I also made it a personal goal to actively pursue better and stronger male friendships.

Day 4:

Began with a cold shower and prayer. Felt a bit lazy throughout the day. Spent the night over at a friend's house, drank a little too much, and found myself searching for inappropriate material on the t.v. as I was falling asleep in a drunken haze. Thankfully, nothing was on, and I simply fell asleep with my manhood intact. It just goes to show, though, that my journey is far from over, and that booze is a huge trigger.

Things I am grateful for: good laughs with old friends.

Day 5:

Today has been pretty solid. I have accomplished quite a bit, and am feeling good about that (including the cold shower and prayer). I feel a little more anxious/nervous than I have felt since I began this journey 5 days ago, however. I feel some seeds of doubt whether I can complete this radical rebalancing of my brain (probably because of my potential fall the night before). Still, I persevere; I simply need to find that adventurous spirit that I had on day 1. I am sure it will return tomorrow.

Today I am grateful for: people who truly love me and care about me.

Day 6:

Began with a cold shower and prayer. It was a very busy day, and one that seemed centered on the needs of others, so my brain felt pretty occupied in a good way throughout the day. There was really no down time, and thus, by the end of the day, all I wanted to do was hit the hay.

Things I am grateful for: Faith

Day 7:

Began with a quick work-out, cold shower, and prayer. A relatively lazy morning, but a really busy afternoon. I have noticed that I haven't really been focusing too much on my addiction lately, simply because I am so busy. Still, I know that it is with me and that temptation will always be there. Because of this, I remain vigilant and steadfast in my decision to remain pure of heart/mind. I am still fully in this battle, and excited about rising to something greater than myself.

Today I am grateful for: ice cream and good laughs.

Day 8:

Felt a little lazy today, and did not want to get out of bed or take a cold shower. Once I got out of bed, I went right into the day and began working pretty well. I was a little distracted throughout the day, and thoughts of PMO started creeping into my mind. I finally decided to workout for a half hour and then took the cold shower. It felt good to stay on top of everything, but the temptation to give it all up and just PMO was still there for the rest of the day. I fought it off and decided to hit the hay as soon as I felt tired, rather than fighting sleep and leaving myself open to make a stupid decision while being tired and preoccupied with PMO. All ended well, which I am really thankful for!

Things I am grateful for: getting a lot of work done and making people smile.

Day 9:

Today was really tough. I am definitely feeling withdrawal symptoms--depression, loneliness, laziness, etc. I really didn't want to do any work today. I seriously just left everything at work to go exercise for a half hour at home, and then after the workout I felt so drained and depressed that I took an hour and a half nap. I just did not want to go back to work and get anything done. I finally forced myself to get out of bed and take a cold shower, but as soon as the water was flowing, I just didn't want to have to fight the cold. I let the water get warm and it felt amazing for a minute or so, but then I thought to myself: "What are you doing?! Are you ready to give up this battle already? Are you just going to roll over and go back to your former ways just because you feel sad or lonely or don't want to do work? Are you seriously tired of behaving like a real man who respects himself and focuses on making his whole self better? Do outside things control you so much that you're willing to drop everything to do with becoming a real man in order to be the fraction of a man that society wants you to be? You are more than that! You were made to be fully man! It is time to start acting like it!" So, I turned the shower dial all the way to the cold and completed another step on this adventure. It jolted me out of my depressed state, and the rest of the day was so much better and peaceful. It felt good to be able to go to sleep, knowing that I had persevered and fought off my selfish desires, and it felt so great to wake up the following morning without any shame or guilt crowding my senses. It was a tough day, but one that I believe will make me stronger in the long run.

Today I am grateful for: The strength inside of me that has been waiting more than a decade to be freed.

Days 10-18:

Well, I've been kind of lazy with the whole journaling part this adventure. The last week has had some real scary moments. There have been 2 or 3 very close calls (one where I depressed and googled one of my "favorite" gifs from the old days, just to set me off on the path of destruction, but I fought it off and pulled myself away from the images after about a minute).

Other than those close calls and some real loneliness/depression that has set in from the withdrawals, life has been going well. My mind is on the present moment and the beauty of the day around me. I continue to keep praying, taking cold showers everyday, and I have been getting back into a pretty good workout routine.

All in all, life is good. The desire to look at p and fap is still very, very strong, but at least I have a lot more self-awareness lately. I know when I am not feeling great emotionally, and I am getting better at avoiding all temptation when I am in those moods. My head seems much clearer for the most part, although when the cravings come, boy are they intense. It feels that much better and more manly when I fight them off as the master of my own domain!

Things I am grateful for today: steak and potatoes!