Bye bye porn

I'm a 23 year old guy, and I'm 2 days without porn. I am writing on here as a way to motivate myself to keep going after a few failed attempts that have not lasted longer than one week.

I was inspired to quit porn, like most of you, by Gary Wilson's Ted talk. The talk opened my eyes to the effect that porn was having on my life. Before the talk I was blind to these issues, writing off instances of not being able to maintain an erection and not reaching an orgasm through sex as performance anxiety, or too much alcohol. The talk resonated with issues I had experienced first hand, and the only way to be sure of this was to put my assumptions to the test.

It wasn't until the second day after giving up porn that I understood how severe of an addiction I had. I have always thought of myself as a mentally strong person, and while I expected there to be discomfort from the process, I was ill prepared for the ferocity of the craving that hit me. Hungover and alone at home, I was ashamed when I failed on day two of my personal experiment. For the rest of the day I couldn't believe how mentally weak I was, and how easily i succumbed to the draw of porn and that shameful moment of release. This was my first lesson into the nature of my addiction, and forced me to admit that this was a real problem to resolve and not just some straightforward experiment or test.

It has been about 2/3 week since then and I have stumbled another three times. Every time I fail I am increasingly frustrated at myself. But each time I am learning. Joining this forum is a part of my learning curve as I have realized that without support, any moment alone at home can lead me down the rabbit hole and back into the comfort and release I receive from my porn addiction. Two days in, and as I type this I can already feel that niggling need that picks away at my resolve. I will get past this with your help and support, and I hope I can reciprocate and help you through too.

But its not all grey clouds, and there is a ray of light creeping through. Despite the relatively short period of my rebooting and my stumbles along the way, I have significantly reduced the amount of porn I consume and cut down on my masturbation habits. I am beginning to understand why I have previously failed and it is something I am working on. I have already experienced positive changes in my short time trying to reboot. During my longest stretch (a meager 8 days) I experienced an increased interest in girls I saw day to day. I began to see the beauty that I was missing. If this is my result from a short break from porn, I am excited to experience the future in my porn free life!

Now for a bit about myself and the nature of my addiction. I'm a 23 year old Psychology student studying my Masters at Edinburgh. I'm not even sure how old I was when I began watching porn but  suffice to say, I was young. At the peak of my porn addiction I would PMO twice a day (sometimes up to five or more), watching porn for hours on end. As I got older the porn would get more extreme to the point where I would frequently watch porn that I was not proud of just to get off. When I think back to before my 'epiphany' I really don't understand how I did not see there was a problem.

At school I was never a cool kid or sociable, and maybe that is where my porn addiction really began. Since then, however, I have grown into someone who is very sociable and outgoing, and enjoys spending time with friends and meeting new people. Female attention has also never really been a big issue for me. I have sex often enough to be quite comfortable with myself, but I have never had a serious girlfriend. When I do have sex, however, it tends to be with some girl I've met at a bar. While I can achieve an erection most of the time, I have never reached an orgasm through sex. In the past I had assumed that this problem came from alcohol or performance anxiety. But to make this assumption I would be ignoring all the times when I hadn't had anything to drink, or the fact that, actually, I don't get anxious when I'm with someone new.

What I'm saying is, porn is getting in the way of my life. Though I can't be certain, I also suspect porn may have contributed to my inability to form any kind of connection with a girl. I have become so desensitized to any positive feeling from sex that I can no longer connect on an intimate level. When I think back to my first ever girlfriend, I remember how it felt when we kissed for the first time. How I had a huge crush at the girl at the end of the street. Have I just grown up, or has porn seriously impeded my ability to connect?

I will not let porn interfere with my life anymore! It is time things changed! It is time I changed!

Hey Franc!

First of all let me welcome you to RN. You will find A LOT of helpful and friendly people on here who really want to help, not only themselves but everybody else who is experiencing a porn related problem. I'd recommend taking the time to read a few other journals (when you get the chance) just so you know that your not alone and there's other people out there going through similar situations.

Everybody falls when they first start to walk. Giving up porn is much the same. Each time we relapse it is important to try and learn exactly why we relapsed and how we can prevent it from happening in the future which seems to be what you are doing. Having a place like RN where you feel some accountability for your actions (especially if you dont have a partner) is a really positive step towards a PMO free life.

Thanks for the encouragement! Skimming through the journals is providing me with some interesting and useful information; with the added benefit of keeping me away from porn. And yes I agree that accountability is important for my reboot. Self governance only seems to go so far, and relies far too heavily on ones own limited will power.

Should I call you mad, frank, mr. frank? 

I sent you a shorter version of this vid earlier, but since learning you are a psych student, thought you might enjoy the longer version. 

Bon appetite.

http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series

Open and click. 

Frank works for me

And thanks for the link I'll have a look over it. I must say that in the short time I've been here the response from the community has been amazing. Really glad I joined up, it has been a great help.

I have actually been considering doing some research into the effects of coming off porn and how it affects mood, personality, and life in general. I may even write a PhD on the subject. But I'll need to complete my MSc first, and I'm hoping to make some progress myself before I move forward with it. There is a drastic lack of research in this area and I think everyone could only benefit by knowing a bit more about it. But more on that later

I'm starting to think I picked a difficult week to get started on this whole thing. I've got no work to do, friends are all away. Basically I'm spending my entire time sitting at home. It is not making it easy. On the bright side I have a lot of time to learn more about rebooting and the science behind porn addiction. But as most of my time is spent on my laptop the urge to watch porn has a tendency to creep up on me. I don't remember the last time I went this long without looking at porn. And I'm only four days in!

I keep telling myself that porn is not an option, masturbation is not an option. It is almost becoming my mantra. That said, I am holding up well despite the cravings, and am confident that I can get through them. While it would be so easy to relapse, I know that it is just not worth it, and I would be extremely disappointed if I did.

I also noticed that I am getting morning wood. This is not a surprise or sign of recovery, however, as lying in bed first thing in the morning would be a time I would often PMO. With it comes the most difficult time to resist, half asleep and cravings bombarding me. The phone beside my bed makes it so easy. But I've not faltered and every extra day PMO free is an achievement that I am proud of. From now on I'm going to place my phone at the other side of the room when I sleep. That way I'll be less likely to peek and relapse.

Another Perspective - cutting out the science

I really want to share this with you guys. I've just finished watching this talk:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJ_QfP2mhU

After a day of consuming all of the science and theory that I possibly could, this talk has had more impact on me than anything else today. It avoids the science and gives another view and another reason to quit. I took away from it two potent lessons:

• Porn itself is ridiculous. It is not real sex nor does it resemble it.
  
• Porn is sexual, not sensual. There is something missing from porn. There is no intimacy.
  

I do not want porn to destroy my potential to experience something better and more fulfilling.

Day 5 - Withdrawals

Worst day so far. I'm experiencing what I can only assume is withdrawal. Headache, completely lethargic, but the worst of it is the brain fog. It feels awful. It started late yesterday but I wrongly assumed it was tiredness. On one hand my urge to watch porn is small, but my willpower is also being sapped making what urges I do have much harder to resist.

I've tried a couple things in an attempt to alleviate the brain fog. Music usually helps, but I'm not getting anything from it today. I've also been to the gym as per my schedule. Usually I'd feel amazing after a workout but today is not the same. I had to force myself through it, getting no real rush  with all the pain. While it perked me up a bit I still feel crappy.

I'm going to have to just endure, as PMO is no longer an option. I'll get through it, I just hope it doesn't last too long.

I'm experiencing the same thing as I'm writing this. Shitty day! Stay strong!

You write so well!  It is nice to read your posts - I appreciate your literacy.  The college education is pouring through bro.

I see you're struggling today.  Sorry to see that. 

Withdrawal symptoms are wonky hey?  Yours seem to be more severe then mine.

Ya know what helps me get away from the symptoms?  Better than getting chores done/business chores done and working/working out - what seems to completely release me from the stress and anxiety I've been feeling is helping others - getting out of my own head and looking for someone else to focus on besides my own mess.  A random act of kindness, a phone call to my dad, my mom (it is mother's day!), my brother, my friend.  Getting up, going shopping - even if it's for nothing.  Being around other people and smiling.  Engaging in random small talk with others around me.  It gets me out of that consuming depressed self-centred state I sometimes get into.

You're doing great today man.  You're going through exactly what you need to go through. 

We're in this together.  Years ago, if someone would have educated me about the problems porn would cause me, it would have been real easy to just say no to porn right away.  But that didn't happen.  Porn is a big industry.  I'm sure there's a lot of money in it.  Now that we're aware of the problems this porn addiction can cause, let's be men and own our mistakes, our weakness, and get through it.

I like to remember how good I've got it.  In many parts of the world, people have no hope and are dying of starvation/disease that is simply unheard of where I live.  So I have no right to complain that I can't look at porn and bang ladies without suffering from some form of ED.  I'd be a complete asshole for complaining about "how hard it is for me" right?!! 

Thank you for sharing your journey and your journal with me.  It has and will continue to help me in my struggle to beat this porn addiction.

Sincerely,

powerlift225  8)

Thanks for the support. Hope you got through your day ok jnv.

Powerlift - I took your advice and Skyped home to my parents. Really took the edge off. And from today I'm really going to make an effort to socialize more. Being around, and talking to other people really helps. Maybe I'll give my friends a call and grab lunch.

Thanks again for all the support and encouragement. You guys really help keep me focused.

Day 6 - Flatline?

Yesterday felt like a mild hangover that wouldn't shift. That is the only way I can think to describe it. Thankfully for today, the symptoms seem to have subsided. The past few days I have been fluctuating between this drained hungover feeling, and being completely alert with nagging cravings. I guess that's what happens when you come down from a six year binge. Today, however, seems a little different as I suspect I am entering a flatline.

I'm more awake than yesterday and the craving are significantly less that they were. This is coupled with the fact that there is no movement below the belt (I even got through Game of Thrones no problem) and the general lack of attention I'm paying to any girls. This is a serious shift from my usual self. This is not to say that my cravings have completely dissapated. Despite my apparent inability to get an erection at all (I did a quick test, no porn) the urge to watch porn still niggles at me from time to time, and I suspect watching porn would lead to a different response. This is not something I would risk testing, but instead I'm treating the flatline as a respite from any intense urges.

Oh man, so happy to help.  Way to go on that Skype call. 

MILESTONE. Day 7 - Science and Reflection

Finally made it a week. It almost seems like I've been doing this for much longer. The day itself has been the easiest yet. No withdrawal symptoms, no urges. Even at the gym surrounded by a lot of beautiful girls, nothing. I'm definitely in a flatline and its such a relief. For the first time since I started this process I have no real desire to watch porn. I am aware, however, that this could change at any time so I have to be careful not to drop my guard.

From a science point of view my dopamine sensitivity should be on its way back to normal levels (though I'm still a long way from a normal baseline). I expect life in general to become more rewarding over the next few days and weeks because of this. I'm already benefiting from the increase in motivation. I think my withdrawal symptoms a couple of days ago came from my brain screaming at me for a dopamine hit (it gets worse before it gets better). As my dopamine sensitivity levels out I expect things will get a bit easier. I'm am still a long way from recovered, however, as the PMO pathways are still engraved into my brain. They will  continue to tempt me for quite some time yet. This will take longer to recover from but persistence and sheer willpower will get me through it.


Meditating last night I came to an interesting conclusion that I had previously not considered. My PMO consumption started when I was still in school. This was not the easiest time for me and I was not a popular kid. I used porn as a way to escape this, and to offset my complete inability to talk to girls. As a side note I attended an all boys school which I honestly believe affected my growth. These issues, however, are things that I have long since got over. Therefore, my conclusion is, the reason I have PMOd so much in recent years is to escape the feelings that were created by the addiction. It is the addiction that created the negative states which drove me to PMO, not life.

Its an obvious conclusion now I think about it, but it had not occurred to me before. It also means that by removing porn from my life I am also removing the biggest source of negative feelings. The thing that gives you relief is also the cause of the problem. Kind of like someone smashing up your car so they an offer to fix it. The only way to truly escape these feelings is to cut out the source of the problem rather than pander to the symptoms.

Day 8 - All Good

Not much to say about today. It has been an easy and uneventful one for me. But I can't decide if I'm flatlining or not. On one hand there is no real urge to watch porn, but on the other I'm seeing girls everywhere and its awesome. I want to go talk to them again. The prospect of it excites me, and not in a sexual way. All in all its been a really good day for me!

For anyone struggling right now keep going. I promise days like this make it all worth while.

I checked out so many bums and titties today...  8)

I was like, "calm down now...don't be caught staring!"

Oh man, but it's warm out and the ladies are out looking so fine haha.  I need like, 3 girlfriends lol.

K.  I'll stop being a goof.  You're doing well man.  Way to go so long.  A week isn't so easy.  Go for another week?

Day 9 - A different kind of temptation

Another week? Oh hell yeah, I got this! The benefits are far outweighing any negatives from the process. I've been keeping busy as per your recommendations and getting shit done! I feel like everything is on track.

This whole process has coincided with an increased focus on exercise and diet. I finally feel good about my body again and my confidence has not been this high for months. I think I'm ready to go and and talk to some girls. Now my confidence is up I'm beginning to feel more like my old self again. Its good to see this side of myself that I've been missing for the past two years.

After such a good day yesterday I sat down to watch a movie. I decided to watch Ex Machina, and I was caught completely off guard by the nudity. My brain went crazy, and the rush was intense. This was my biggest test so far and the urge to relapse was strong. In the end, by sheer willpower and desire not to fail, I pulled through. Good movie but I wouldn't recommended to anyone going through this process. It just demonstrated that I'm far from recovered and I could slip at any moment if I become too complaisant. The important thing, however, is that I was able to overcome this test.

Today has been another good one. Lunch with a friend, gym, feeling great. I can tell that the urge is still there, but it is not as intense as it was last week. The physical drive and need to PMO is gone, but now it is a mental urge. Its hard to put into words but its a different kind of feeling. More like nagging thoughts, compared to the screaming need from last week. It is still testing but when the desire rises it is easier to ignore.

Day 11 - Hungover

I caught myself peeking this morning in my hungover state. It's a situation that has been my downfall in the past, but this time I shut it down before it was too late. Last night was a pretty good one. Drinks with friends at a beer festival followed by a club. The club, however, was playing what is quite possibly the worst music I have heard in my life. The best description is that it was the same monotonous beat for the whole two hours I was there with no melody or structure. Even that doesn't do justice to how bad it was. On the bright side there were girls there. Found a couple to talk to but nothing came of it unfortunately. I could really do with some sex right about now. Still, it is good to know I've still got the confidence to talk to drunk girls Even if I did strike out a couple times.

Now I have to plow on with the rest of my day through this hangover. I've resisted the urge once, and I may have to do so again before the end of the day. But now I know I can.

good. stay cautious.
you are trying to find whats going on inside, that is very good for reboot.