The Death of an Enemy (The Birth of an Ally)

Hi there, I'm Crow-Magnon.  I'm a recovering PMO addict.  Before that I was a full blown addict.  Before that I felt in control of my life.  I'm here to help work towards keeping my actions in line with my ideals and goals.  Here's a little background about me:

I started PMOing to internet videos daily before I hit puberty.  I stayed on this path without determent until I was a senior in high school.  Since then, until fairly recently, I've been half-assing my recovery.  One thought I recently recalled from childhood helped sober me up.  I remember thinking, "I can't wait to have my own place and my own computer," while thinking about sexual satisfaction.  No thoughts of a partner entered my mind.  It was just me, a computer, and a space where no one could interrupt or find me.  That's what I thought real satisfaction and happiness entailed.  Fast-forward to now: I have a computer and privacy yet I'm empty and completely dissatisfied with my life.  Well, near completely dissatisfied.  I'm on the road of recovery now and there's hope. 


My journal title refers to my aspirations to eradicate my PMO pathway as much as possible and to supplant it with a healthier mindset.

I'm nine days in.  I'm at the beginning of a flat-line.  I'm trying to work through things that became warped due to my PMO addiction.  The flat-line makes it difficult. 

I'm worried about cravings when I get out of my flatline.  Has anyone been there and do you have any tips that helped you stay in control? 

@FreeSoul

Thanks man! Your post means and helped a lot.  It's so refreshing to hear from people who actually understand this area of my life and to get input from them.  I have had a counter before but it only served to temp me so it didn't really work for me.  I do appreciate the friendly recommendation for sure!

I'm 16 days in.  Definitely in a kind of flatline-- no libido-- yet I am able to think a bit clearer and have a bit more drive than usual.  I read a fricken book the other day for fun and went out of my way to hang out with some friends because I wanted to.  How insane is that?  Usually I have to force myself to do practically anything a normal person does.  Things are going relatively well. I'm focusing on myself in a healthy way. 

I've felt numb for a long time.  I'm almost eager to experience potent emotions again.  Right now I feel I have the best handle on my PMO addiction that I've ever had.  The decision to stop messing around with ladies or allowing myself any sexual release has been a large factor in this. Yet, I still feel as though my handle on this isn't nearly strong enough.  I have a lot of room for improvement and I need to remain vigilant indefinitely to keep from relapsing.  Keeping myself focused on positive goals has helped.  I workout and socialize nearly daily.  I feel I need more deeply fulfilling activities to supplement my already positive habits.  I've been trying to think of some such activity but nothing has really come to mind.  It's a bit disheartening.  I'm worried nothing will be meaningful enough for me.  I'll keep searching and stay vigilant.

What about hitting the gym or another sport. Its a good place to find some passion

I hit the gym nearly daily.  Sports are great, they're fun and all and I get pretty competitive, but they don't have the level of fulfillment I'm seeking.  That said, I might add a physical activity for a hobby.  Perhaps a shotgun approach to it would be better anyhow.  Besides, something is better than nothing and I'd rather try it and see. 

Well, I figured out why I struggle with fulfillment.  I have internalized toxic shame.  I know my PMO addiction has numbed me and made it harder to feel things such as fulfillment as well... yet I knew there was something deeper and more pervasive going on.  This gives me something concrete to actively work on while also abstaining from PMO.  I ought to develop some more positive hobbies alongside these two aspects of my health.  I drew today because I had the urge to.  I haven't felt like drawing for quite some time.  I drew some messed up stuff.  Mostly just dark self portraits.  It was somewhat cathartic. 

Getting back to the topic of toxic shame-- I suggest watching John Bradshaw's "Healing the shame that binds you" on youtube.  It's a six part video (about an hour long total).  It covers shame, which I imagine most of us posting here on Reboot Nation have felt or still feel.  If the video strikes a chord with you I suggest reading Bradshaw's book by the same title.

Working towards fullfilling my dreams worked for me - kept me busy and heading in the right direction. And the result was my dream journey coming true Even small steps count!

@Wabbajack

I'll give it a go.  Sounds like it could work pretty well if I stay at it.  Thanks!

Today I'm experiencing greater temptation than normal.  I need to tough this day out.  In the past I typically caved on these days.  But when I didn't the next day seemed better than normal. 

Doing good thus far.  I took a cold shower after a few red flags came up.  It helped. 

Made it through yesterday.  I went out last night to avoid the trap of staying home by myself.  I didn't drink and was uncomfortable the whole time I was at the party but it was better than chancing it at home.  Ran into a few people I hadn't seen for a while and caught up some. It wasn't horrible.  I got looks and signs from a number of ladies but didn't act on it.  I'm at a place where doing anything sexually would hamper my progress and where having a relationship just isn't what I want.

I have been turning to video games and TV for dopamine kicks.  If I don't binge on them anymore I think my recovery will come along faster or at the least I will have to start facing things I use TV and video games as a distraction for anyway.  In order to keep from watching/playing I'll have to keep a schedule and stay busy. 

My current goal is 91 days of kicking the shit out of my PMO addiction with positive, healthy activities and abstaining.  I like the idea of going 13 weeks.  13's supposed to be an unlucky number.  Friday the 13th is creepy and "evil".  It's kind of a middle finger to leaving things up to luck or chance as well as an appreciation of the dark aspects associated with the number 13.  I'm 20 days in thus far.  Weekends are harder for me-- there's less structure to these days.  This weekend I had a few trying moments but I used a few action plans and some good ol' fashion looking within myself to keep a handle on my shit.  Tomorrow I'll have 3 weeks under my belt.  I'm going to celebrate by running myself ragged, taking a cold shower, and taking a nap.  I had a question for y'all but I forgot it.  I'll post it later if I remember. 

I remembered the question I had yesterday: what kind of supplements would y'all suggest and why?  I've heard omega 3 oils are good to take but I don't know what kinds or what they actually do.  What else would y'all suggest to take for improving general health?  I don't get much sun and I don't take any supplements or vitamins as is.  Thanks!!

Day 23

Up 'til now things have been fairly smooth this time around.  I feel things will get worse now before they get better.  I'm worried I'm not ready for the trials ahead.  I can tell temptation will be heightened soon.  Regardless, I will do my best to push on. 

I still have brain fog and feel detached from reality most of the time but I can feel these two aspects slowly lifting their oppressive presence from my mind.  I'm really looking forward to experiencing life without these hindrances.  I know it will be some time before they're mostly gone.  Every little bit counts.  I've become more social lately, or at the least more comfortable in social situations.  I remain more disinterested and unmotivated in my studies than usual.  I've been using video games and TV to distract myself at times as well as give myself a dopamine kick.  I've decided to tone this down significantly.  I started to teach myself another language.  I want what I do in my free time to make me better, not waste time.  It bothers me that I wasted so much of my life on PMO.  I feel pathetic and ashamed.  I can't do anything about the past.  I'll try and focus on doing what it takes in the present to lead a meaningful life.

I have a number of regrets as a result of my PMO addiction that I have been avoiding working through.  I suspect there would be relief of some sort if I dealt with them. 

I went out last night.  I wasn't in the mood to socialize nor did I drink but it ended up being a worthwhile night.  I got looks from a number of ladies at the party but didn't feel much like flirting or hitting on anyone.  I talked with a few new people.  It was very inorganic because of the mood I was in but it was good practice.  Someone who had caught my attention in the past was at the party.  We had been mostly admiring each other from afar these past few weeks, occasionally having conversations when we run into each other by chance.  I've been conflicted about what to do with the situation. I feel obligated to stay away from relationships out of prudence yet at the same time I can see the potential for something meaningful with this person.  In the past having a relationship has hampered and even completely stagnated my progress because I felt obligated to perform certain expectations as a boyfriend and there wasn't a strong connection between us.  While I could conceivably talk with her about my decision to be abstinent when/if it got to that point it'd be easier to avoid a relationship all together.  Temptation would be minimized.    It sounds to me that I'm running away from life here, though.  I don't like that.  She initiated some completely non-sexual yet warm touching at the party. I ended up walking her home-- she was a bit tipsy at that point.  She went to hold my hand and initially my internal conflict kept me from allowing it.  I knew part of me wanted to because of a genuine interest in her.  By the time we got to her place we were holding hands.  I ended up giving her my number and told her to call me if she wanted to get lunch some time.  At the worse, it'll be an opportunity to explain that I am not looking for a relationship.  I dislike being ambivalent, especially when it effects other people so directly.  Part of my ambivalence stems from my sense of inadequacy.  I find myself wondering why she even has an interest in me, as if it is absurd of her, and expect to let her down if anything comes of this.  A friend of mine suggested spending more time with her to see if my interest in her is well founded and what it is founded in.  I still need to think/feel this through more before I commit to spending more time with her in that way since she will take it as a sure sign that things are going well and dating may happen.  I didn't think through giving her my number-- it was a spur of the moment type deal.  I acted on impulse alone and I dislike that.  Any advice on any aspect of this post is welcome. 

It's important to note that as a kid I was trained to obey the wants of others without regard to what I want.  It's tied into low self worth and shame.  This tends to be a problem in relationships for me, at least it has been in the past, but I have been working on it and at least recognize it as a problem and some of it's roots.  This is a large reason why I have been out of a relationship (as well as the whole abstinence thing).  I am worried this would become a problem once again with this person as I haven't fully dealt with it.  Yet she seems as though she is understanding and respectful enough to appreciate such a thing.