Not interested in real women and social alienation (No Porn 2020)

Hey everyone, first off: English is not my native language. There might be some mistakes or weird diction.

Classic: It's new year's eve, outside the firecrackers and rockets are banging and exploding and I'm at home. Alone. But I neither feel lonely nor unhappy. I want it to be like that.

I'm a student at university, 22 years old, at first glance good-looking, fit, confident and determined. Competent in social interaction, very good grades. But for 2 1/4 years I isolated myself completely from other people. How much? Disregarding one family gathering, I didn't have a conversation that lasted longer than 2 minutes for half a year. Since graduating from high school 3 1/2 years ago, I lost interest in interactions with other humans. The reason is no fear, I just don't feel any need inside myself to do it. It is as if I was decoupled from an invisible connection between every other human that raises the need to get together over and over again inside of them.

The clock just went to 00:00, outside the firework is bursting but that doesn't move me a single bit. I'm not depressed, I'm just living inside my own world, go for my own goals and hobbys with daily energy and feel good doing that. What unsettles me is the observation that the invisible wall between me and all other people is slowly but steadily growing. My goals give me temporary meaning, but target a social reintegration at a later point. If this reintegration won't succeed, if the interest in social interaction doesn't come back, I'm running into a dead end street.

The last few months it dawned on me: This invisible connection between humans that I feel decoupled from could just be their sexdrive. After all it is one of the main underlying forces in social interaction. Not only lusting sex in itself but also the permanent positioning in sexual hierarchies, validation of one's own attractiveness through others and so on.

The strange thing is: I'm not interested at all in sexual interaction at this point, even though I'm healthy and fit. At a point in the future I am though and then I will be richer, better-looking and even more confident and because of that able to attract women that look like my favourite pornstars, I fantazise sometimes  ???.
In the past I always had different girls in my head that I considered to be "sweet". But I always way so shy, that even a conversation in person was miles away. By now I found out about personal development and gained much confidence, but instead of different girls, I have different pornstars in my head that I'm dreaming of.
Thus I'm a virgin at 22, didn't even have my first kiss. But I don't really care, there is no inner pressure as "my brain is on porn".

For quite some time I'm aware of the fact that watching porn has negative consequences. Still, I just can't stop. I'm just watching it over and over again. Not daily, but 1-3 times a week I get lost in sessions of several hours whose length not I, but my phone battery or an ejaculation define (which also ruins my sleep rhythm). This is unusual for me as I'm generally no sensualist and pretty disciplined in other areas of my life.
Therefore I think I am addicted to porn.

In 2020 I want to live without watching porn and by that I want to regain my interest in other people, particularly in real women. This withdrawal also includes images from "instagram models".
The hardest part will be to lose these images of certain pornstars in my head. Over the years I defined my brain to only get attracted by a certain look that only 8-10 porn actresses have. All other actresses are not interesting for me anyways, but I nearly know every movie from the ones I chose.
I hope that my brain can reset back to a natural state that includes real women.

This journal is supossed to assist me on that journey. I do it primarily for myself but of course am happy about any comments.
I want to add notes on a regular basis that should document my temptations. I'll still masturbate in a healthy frequency (only in the evening 2-3 times a week, long-term goal: 1-2 times a week). Here I want to have a libido as high as possible but only as long as I can still concentrate on mental work.

Happy new year if anyone read until here! Let's have a porn-free 2020!

Z

Day 1 Without Porn

Pretty easy. No masturbation today. Had to think of porn only after waking up. For the last few weeks it became a ritual to think of hot girls to get some motivation to get out of the bed. Tried to not go deep into it today. I'll have to find another way of motivation.

Unrelated to porn I'm feeling very bad and unclear. Tomorrow I'll take the day off and spend the whole day without internet to reflect and connect some points.

Keep it up man! One day at a time.

Day 2 Without Porn

Today was a good day. No masturbation today. Libido again only was strong before getting out of the bed in the morning, then pretty much disappeared.
I revised my mission until September and feel much more clarity now.

Once again I noticed how much better I feel if I don't spend time on the internet. This is nothing new, but every attempt to control my internet usage has failed during the last few months. Porn addiction is just a part of another problem I have and thats internet addiction. Every fucking day I'm watching random YouTube videos that don't affect me for at least 2 hours and at the same time I'm wondering why I feel no urge to interact with others. I don't even get the motivation to cook dinner without listening to the audio of a video or podcast. It's like an everlasting state of occupation for the brain that I became addicted of.
From now on I'll be serious about controlling my internet usage. No more bullshit videos at all anymore. I won't watch strangers talking to each other on YouTube until my interest in talking to real people returns. This journey will be documented in my journal as well.

This resonated with me. I wish you luck.

Day 3 Without Porn

No masturbation today. Again high libido only before getting out of the bed. Feeling better than on the 2 previous days.

In total I spent 2 hours clicking through random entertainment videos today and this feels like less than usual. I'll try to keep tracking and reducing it as much as possible.

Lastly I appreciate everyone who is reading this and thanks for the comments. Knowing there are people reading this journal gives me a strong additional incentive to not fuck it up.

Day 4 Without Porn

Still no masturbation. Wondering if porn actually is a cause of my isolation. I didn't recognize anything unsual in my attitude so far and there is no big desire to watch porn. It might hit in a few days. I'll keep going and will continue observing.

I'm feeling weird writing "no masturbation" every day, I don't know if it's appropriate or too much information for this forum. But the thought of having to report it here certainly keeps me away from doing it. I want to restrain from it until I can't concentrate on my daily work anymore.

This might be the first time in my life revealing information about my sexual desires and activities. Something always kept me from consciously showing even the tiniest signs of interest to a woman. Every time I did a little step in that direction, I somehow saw myself in third person, observing me from the outside and looking at my own behaviour like looking at a primitive animal. Not judging it from a moral perspective, but judging it as aesthetically wrong. There must a form of passion in other men that leads them into a tunnel vision when they're interacting with a woman they're attracted to. Since puberty I only get into that tunnel vision when I'm watching porn for a longer amount of time.
This often made me feel like an alien everywhere any forms of sexual interest were exchanged. In other words, every time there were women around.

If I would be "normal" in my sexual behaviour, my life would be very cool, because I'm doing pretty good in most other areas of my life. I'm sure I could even build a pretty big social circle in a short time as I have good social skills, but only if I had genuine interest in interacring with other people. The described issue is slowly eating up the other areas of my life like a virus and it already infected my whole social life.

When I fantasize about being sexually intimate with a woman, no matter if it's a woman I know in person or a pornstar, I almost always think of doing it in the far future after I developed myself more. It's like that since puberty. Something in myself doesn't want to do it now.
I just don't know what's wrong with me. I hope abstraining from porn will solve it as this would be an easy solution. If this won't help I'll have no clue of what to do.

It's weird when I talk about masturbation on here as well, but first remember that this is primarily a journal for yourself. Second, since porn and masturbation are so closely tied, remember that everyone here is dealing with it as well.

I would be a little cautious about pinning all your hopes for real intimacy on ending your relationship with porn because if porn turns out to only be one piece of the puzzle then you could be tempted to dive back into it out of desperation. At a minimum, this will be a good first step and if you take things one step at a time and you'll get to where you want to go.

Day 5 Without Porn

First day with masturbation. Today I felt the need to watch porn but didn't do it. Probably would have relapsed without this journal. Found myself scrolling down on the suggestion page on instagram for about a minute hoping to see goodlooking girls but could stop doing it before I found one.
The need for porn probably came out of frustration as I had an unproductive day. Something is wrong with me since about 2 weeks and I'm still searching for the cause. Tomorrow I'll start the day more disciplined and think a few thoughts through to the end.

Thanks for the comment WhackKerouac. You're absolutely right.

When urges arise, you can be certain that porn was a problem for you. Then its also very likely that it played a role in your problems with girls, socializing and low libido as it did/does for me.

Then you have to be patient wirh yourself and this process. Change wont come as fast as you probably expect and because of withdrawals your socialization and libido  issues even might become worse, before they will get better.
Just have that in mind.

Day 6 Without Porn

No masturbation. Enough thinking for now. Time to get things done and just not watch porn.

I appreciate your comment Jeks. Thanks for the warning as well.

Day 7 Without Porn

No masturbation today.

Today it was a great day. Finally got things done, my first productive day in 2020. Yesterday I developed a new template for my daily structure and it worked out very good. This is what I'll keep doing from now on.

I noticed that in the morning there actually is a need for socialization inside me, but only partially. To be exact, I want to see, hear or read of another human that I can relate to who is giving me inspiration and insights. I don't feel a strong need to express myself in any way to another human, it's only about the input. Previously, after my morning routine I used to sit on my desk ready to study but felt no motivation and a strong craving for internet that I couldn't resist, then started clicking from one superficial bullshit video to another without feeling real satisfaction and that process took all energy out of me. Now I listen to audiobooks about people I can relate to while preparing and eating breakfast. I feel more connected to these rare fictional characters and dead philosophers than I ever felt to a "real" friend and I know that this is another fake world and might be another barrier to real interactions but unlike porn it makes me energized and balanced.

Another helpful routine is that after every hour of studying I make a 5 minutes walk around the block. It's incredible how that prevents me getting tired.
In the end it's a simple formula: A day with conscious internet use = a good day. The key is a schedule that makes it as hard as possible to loose myself in the internet.

There were porn flashbacks coming up in my head during the whole day. I don't know if I'll ever forget them to be honest. These are exactly the same images that came up 3 years ago when I had only few opportunities to watch porn for a few weeks and since then I remember them coming up almost every day. It might even be the first thing I think of in the morning. Still, it is relatively easy to not watch the related scenes as they don't bring the excitement of something new. The charm is more aesthetic than sexual, but this might change quickly in combination with no fap. Right now it is as if I wouldn't be allowed to think of my all-time favourite music albums... impossible. I'm wondering if I need to be more strict, paying more attention to shutting down these flashbacks immediately over and over again or if this is a normal thing during reboot.

You definitely shouldn't allow flashbacks to linger, but if you focus too hard on shutting them down it sometimes becomes counterproductive. It seems like a delicate balance. Congrats on hitting the one week mark.

Hey man, I read your first post and I'm happy to see I'm not the only one who feels like that. The only difference is I actually don't have many goals and I'm more depressed than happy but still I don't feel like connecting with people at all especially my family. I avoid them and dont make eye contact. I'm 22 and not technically a virgin but only had sex with hookers so thats even worse I think.
gl with your mission

Hey Z, awesome job going 7 days right away! That's a big accomplishment.

Saying you were unproductive is probably because the dopamine that porn causes to spike will slightly dip when you stop it. Dopamine is responsible for motivation.

Once this dopamine builds past baseline, I guarantee you will see HUGE gains in your self improvement. I know I have. Nothing has given me more confidence, self love, and motivation than giving up porn.

Keep going and good luck!

Day 8 Without Porn

No masturbation today. Good day. Focus was not as sharp as yesterday but it was there. Sticked to my schedule and got things done for university and my passion project. I passed a girl around my age with my bike today and noticed how I looked straight into her eyes and then kept it until she looked away just for the fun of it. Same situation with another girl yesterday, this might be a good sign. It's the middle of the night right now and that might make it harder to stay disciplined tomorrow but it will be important to keep going like these past 2 days.

I appreciate all your comments and advices. @username is not available you'll make it, it's was nice reading that you can relate to this.

Day 9 Without Porn

No masturbation today. Day was okay. Had less libido than usual but felt more confident than usual. Just again going to bed too late today because of wasting 1.5 hours on the internet instead of just falling asleep.

Day 10 Without Porn

No masturbation today. I'm also on a one week diet since Monday in order to start a new bulking phase after that and in combination with bad sleep it affected me today. Woke up tired and not able to focus. 11 Days ago I would have held a 2 hour porn session after waking up and then would be even more tired after that (actually did that 11 days ago). Today thinking of this journal saved me once again. Instead I worked on my passion project and went to the gym. I was in my hating mood today, hating almost everything and everyone and feeling super alien.
Once again it became clear that I used to watch porn mainly when I was frustrated, lacking energy or bored. And once again my attitude towards sex confused me. I clicked on music videos and skipped through just to see some hot women (forced myself to stop almost instantly) and shortly after that perceived the idea of intimacy with another person as just a super weird alien thing.

2 more days in my diet, after that I'll change my sleep rhythm. The next 2 days I'll need to work for university though, otherwise it will be a stressful second half of the month.

Day 12

The weekend was bad. Very bad. Wasted the whole weekend with random stuff on the internet. Masturbation yesterday. Besides that I skipped through a fashion haul by a fitness model that was in my youtube recommendations yesterday and through a haul by a possible pornstar I didn't know yet today. Also clicked through the social media profiles of some girls from high school. I'm not sure if anything of that counts as porn, it's a grey area that I didn't define in my first post. Of course I want to say no to be able to keep counting, I don't know. I don't really care right now, I'm feeling numb, sad, just the way how I feel after not moving forward for a few days. The diet plays a role in my lack of energy since Friday, that's for sure. Today it ended and the best thing to do now is probably to not overthink it and just start the next week from 0. It's so simple, I just have to keep the internet off so I can't loose myself inside of it and do productive stuff instead, but my brain always comes along with justifications to turn it back on.

Day 13 Without Porn

No masturbation. I'm sure the weekend was because of the diet. Felt better today, at least studied for 3h, had the internet off for 24 hours and had a good workout.

I might not have a porn addiction because the cravings are nearly non-existent and maybe I'm lucky that I started this journal early enough to avoid it as my relation to porn had become out of hand in the previous months. However it will be important to keep staying away from it. My real issue is low libido and I'm pretty certain that it will be low even without porn. I'm masturbating once a week, which is said to be the best frequency for testosterone levels, as if it was nothing. The reason I did it more often in the past was porn. I used to go to porn for the sake of porn and after 2 hours of watching my libido was so high that I had to fap, not the other way round. I remember that I minimized my porn use for a few months about 4 years ago and it was similar to now. Back then I even was socially active, going to many partys and stuff like that but always was somehow sexually undetached from girls. Not completely, but so much that there was no incentive to engage in anything. No porn and masturbation only once a week was the first step, finding ways to raise my libido will be the second step.