(Sep. 2016) 27 years old: Porn- or masturbation-induced ED?

anon89

Member
Hi! I'm 27 years old, I eat healthy, lift weights, don't drink much - all the right things, one would think. Despite not watching that much porn, I've had problems with ED, especially in bed with someone. I've only gone 2 weeks so far, but this community has given me optimism. I had absolutely no idea that such huge numbers of young guys were facing this issue, and it's very interesting to read all the research and anecdotes.

Here's my story:

1. Teenage years

I started masturbating around age 13, no porn. To begin with, I kind of knew that porn wasn't good for me, so I (mostly) stayed away from it. However, I stumbled upon a few misunderstandings later on:

1. I'd start jerking off almost every night, because one friend said it really helped him sleep (it really does). Even if I didn't have an erection or feel particularly aroused, I would force it (no porn).

2. Another friend talked enthusiastically about masturbating fast and with a hard grip. Not knowing any better, I imagined that's what sex would be like anyway, so I started doing that too.

3. Boners in class happened all the time, so I trained myself to prevent them, and increasingly viewed them with shame.

4. In my early 20s when I finally decided to understand how to interact with girls, I reasoned that if I didn't masturbate regularly to porn, I'd cum in like 10 seconds. I only watched sporadically, like one week on, two weeks off. I'd watch 1 or 2 videos the first night, then 2-3, then 5-6, and then I'd just go from one video to the other nearly an hour, realizing the madness and stopping porn again for a few weeks.

2. Shame and depression

In my teens, I developed a lot of shame and fear around my (completely normal) attraction to girls. I was really afraid of being labeled a perv, making girls uncomfortable, subjecting myself and her to ridicule. I had heard people talk in those terms about friends of mine who were bullied, and even though I was well liked, fit in socially, looked good and played sports, I took it to heart.

I think it might also have been due to shaming comments in society around male sexuality, and a lack of kind confident role models in that area. Eventually, I also started viewing most aspects of myself negatively (my introversion, childishness, even my enthusiasm). Two years of high school, I was so depressed that not a week went by where I couldn't get out of bed. It got better for whatever reason towards the end of HS, but has been with me to an extent ever since.

3. Sexual experiences

Age 21, I kissed a girl for the first time. I didn't experience anything like the perfect '80s movie rush with fireworks in the background I had been dreaming of my whole life, but figured that was probably because of the alcohol (like 2-3 beers, haha).

Later that year, I also got in bed with a girl for the first time. I was almost completely limp, and couldn't believe it. After all, I had regularly gotten involuntary boners in class a few years back! With a lot of work, I got a semi going and got a blowjob, but it took me an agonizing eternity to finish, and I didn't enjoy it.

In later experiences, I -have- gotten hard and had pre-cum with clothes on, but mostly gone soft once clothes come off. I've only done PIV once in my life, four years ago. I've never felt that much physically, in terms of butterflies, excitement, and those things. Don't get me wrong - I've had some fun, loving and pleasurable experiences, but I just wish I'd have a proper erection and actually feel really excited.

4. Recently

I've recently decided to face areas of my life that need attention, such as career, finances, relationships, social life, internet addiction and sex. I heard about NoFap earlier, but figured that was for hardcore porn addicts, not casuals like me who could easily abstain. I just figured I had performance anxiety or got excited too early. After all, what else could be causing ED in a young fit guy eating lots of fish and vegetables?

It's now been about 2 weeks since I figured I'd stop porn and masturbation to start the recovery process. On a couple of occasions now, I've met attractive women and felt butterflies almost stronger than I felt when I was 14. I did commit earlier this year to let myself to feel such things fully, but it only gotten that strong since I started rebooting, and it's such a fantastic feeling.

The drive to do hard work also seems heightened: now when I've read things, I've actually taken action. Nothing much has happened in terms of the ED itself yet, but I know it's still very early. I'm feeling optimistic.

I know hard times may lie ahead, but it feels great to finally take responsibility, and I'm grateful to know that I'm not alone.

Thanks for reading!
 

anon89

Member
I've had some of the bluest balls ever lately, but it passes. I've been through this before with intermittent fasting, where you also get heavy cravings that eventually pass. In this particular case, I just visualise the healing process taking place, which makes it easier.

I've had morning wood a couple of times, but can't get properly hard on my own yet. I feel pretty good when talking to women, but that's been the case the past couple of years, since I decided to look up pickup material, learn more and challenge myself. Maybe my posture is a bit better, but I don't know.

One change I've definitely noticed is how my voice feels a lot deeper and more powerful, which is pretty neat.
 

BailHope

Active Member
Hey there,

you seem to be on the right path. Keep doing your journal if you find this motivates you!

In case you ever feel down, take a look at the Success Stories on this website. I found that they are highly motivating when times are rough.

But you're on the right path. Keep it up! :)
 

anon89

Member
Thanks! Good to hear from you.

Given my years of limited sporadic experience with 10-60% erections, the thought of a few months of rebooting doesn't seem that bad at all.

I find myself thinking about sex a lot, which I'm actually quite happy about, and I'm able to sit through it without doing anything. These kinds of thoughts used to be something I'd force in order to jerk off, but now it just happens on its own.
 

anon89

Member
According to YBOP, most guys find quitting porn harder than quitting masturbating. I was surprised to read this, as giving up porn has been a non-issue for me (never used it much, as mentioned), but the physical urge to masturbate feels overwhelming like it did in my early teens (which is good!). It's mostly a really forceful feeling in my balls, butterflies in stomach, with erections and sensitivity improving but not 100% there yet.

I've been very social lately, and met a couple of girls I like who seem interested, so I have that as motivation to stay in hard mode for now. If we end up together and ED strikes again, I know it's still very early into rebooting, and I know from experience that it's still possible to have a good time together in bed. Lots of girls are also very self-conscious in bed about not having orgasms, not getting wet, not looking perfect, not knowing what to do, etc, so in that sense it might even be a good thing if you're just relaxed and open about it.
 

anon89

Member
No blue balls today, and penis feels kind of like it's being repaired. Yesterday, I saw a non-sexual picture of an attractive woman wearing a tanktop, and I felt really excited and wanted to meet her. It was a nice feeling! I also had fun at the dance a few days ago, like I always do - nothing new there.

Don't know if it's beginning flu, flatline or something else, but I've been really tired all day, even after trying some light physical activity. Luckily, I'm still able to enthusiastically greet, assist and talk to visitors at my workplace.
 

anon89

Member
^ The above was luckily just that one day, and I only felt affected physically. Don't know what it was.

Sleep has been a bit unstable recently - waking up in the middle of the night, then falling asleep again.

The feeling of blue balls has calmed down, and the amount of erections is slowly and steadily rising.

I've noticed these past weeks that my default mood has changed from slightly depressed, to calm and focused. When going out, I feel more engaged and expressive. I feel less guilty about things too, which is a huge relief. It's only less than a month in, so maybe hard times lie ahead, but it feels like a return to my worry-free childhood state of mind.
 

anon89

Member
1 month: emotions, erections

First of all, I'm thankful to my younger self that I never watched much porn to begin with. I have of course had masturbation cravings, but porn has just been a shrug of the shoulders.

Yesterday at work, I got quite angry/upset about a situation, and it took me like an hour to calm down afterwards. I can't even remember the last time I got angry, to be honest.

I'm actually really happy about this, though. The anger was justified, and I feel that it made me focus and deal well with the situation. Normally I would have just felt annoyed and exhausted, and alternated between decent mood and apathy. It's way better to feel things fully, both good and bad.

The past two weeks there's been a bonerfest in my pants, and my penis+balls have gotten way more sensitive. This is of course really nice, but I'm far happier about getting a more stable default mood, and going from apathy to emotions. I've been feeling depressed and insecure the past 10 years, and for the first time I'm feeling hopeful.

To-do: socialising and dating

I still need to improve my socialising, as I've been in the old habit of staying inside by myself, or waiting for things to happen. I'll ask some friends out tonight, and also get people together during weekdays.

I've even started thinking about asking girls out, which was unthinkable before. Regular dates sound kind of weird though, and Tinder more so - like I'd risk getting stuck with someone I would never sit down with otherwise. I think just socialising much more will be a very good start. What have you guys done in terms of dating or hooking up?
 

anon89

Member
ED is still there.

Same story as always: I met a girl at the club, was semi-hard on the dancefloor, but with a 10-20% dry erection back at my place. She seemed quite disappointed and insecure, and I told her it had happened pretty much every time with other girls.

As always, kissing and touching was nice, and we had a good time together, but I'm getting really fucking tired of ED. 6 years of getting laid once or twice a year with no erections is incredibly frustrating. I'm sure that typical club things don't exactly help (alcohol (3 drinks), loud music, flashing lights, late hours), but I've had this happen in the past during daytime as well.

One month is just the beginning though, and I'm psyched to have made it this far. It takes a while to undo more than 10 years of bad masturbation habits. You guys are helping me keep my head high, and I intend to continue for as long as it takes.
 

Aiwon

Member
Hello,

I see we are in very similiar scenario here. I used to PMO since i was 12 almost every day and Im sure porn changed my view to girls and sex. But unlike you I had 2 long term relationships (5 and 3 years long) thought I was always struggling with ED (due to heavy porn use). I cut off porn entirely since september 19th and I noticed changes like yourself. However, Im meeting this one girl which like sex a lot and want me basicly all the time. As you, I get hard/aroused while pants on, but lose erection really fast while I should perform. Why am I writing this? I found out that Performance anxiety, stress, insecurity and fear has to do with ED more than anything in my case. Which is weird because I was with few women in bed already and had really really great sex with my last girlfriend. but I do have ED with every new girl eventho its just a one night stand. I do have PA and I know about it, thought I have no idea how to deal with it. I just wanted to share my 2 cents because reading your journal seems very similiar to my situation and I thought my story could help you somehow sort out your thoughts.

Sorry for my english since its not my native language.
 

enzomartins

Active Member
I have performance anxiety also, and at least in my case it's definitely associated with PIAD. Just keep your rewiring, tell you're girlfriend about it, and hopefully with her support you both will overcome this. If you tell her I think you may have less anxiety.
 

Pinky

Active Member
From my experience:
2014: 40 days into my first streak I was flatlining and hooked up with my soon to be GF. I could not get it up for the first hour (could be because I was drunk), then we did have sex, but it was meh. But we continued the relationship, and the sex kept getting better every single time (except when I relapsed to porn).

January 2016: Broke up with GF, on a long (70+) streak, rock hard during a one-night stand, for the first time in my life

July 2016: Back to PMO habits, another one-night stand, miserably failed

Even the performance anxiety will eventually be cured - if you keep going. But meanwhile - just continue seeing that girl and enjoy the sex and, in general, time spent together
 

anon89

Member
@Aiwon:

If it is PA, is it PA-induced ED or ED-induced PA? I've previously had two girls I was seeing regularly for a couple of weeks, but I still struggled to get proper erections with them. It wasn't just the ED - I didn't feel as excited as I should. It was kind of like that yesterday too - her body against mine felt really nice, but not very exciting.

I did feel the right kind of excitement (butterflies) when just talking to a girl at church a couple of weeks back. Haven't felt it since then, but I know it's there somewhere.

@enzomartins:

She's not my girlfriend, but I think it's good advice. Next time I end up taking someone home, I'll just tell her upfront that I can't get hard, I'm working on it along with thousands of other young guys, and that we shouldn't aim for sex.

@Pinky:

That's very encouraging to read! Must have been a great feeling. I'll continue trying with her, and I'm also going to contact some other girls I've been too scared/lazy to approach.


Thanks for your support, guys! I feel much better.
 

anon89

Member
No dating or anything this week, as I wanna work towards a deadline and event this weekend. Not interested in girl from saturday to be honest.

Got extremely aroused and 100% hard yesterday, so I masturbated twice. No porn of course, and focusing on sensation. I can't remember the last time I jerked off 100% hard, or when I did it out of arousal instead of forcing it through habit or porn. I don't count this as a relapse - it's a step in the right direction for me.
 

anon89

Member
Not much has happened recently. I masturbated again last week, but it didn't feel as good as when I had waited a month. I'm reverting back to only ejaculating during sex.

I did manage to get hard enough (sort of) for handjobs yesterday when hooking up, but it took at least an hour, and the erections were kind of sloppy. Same story as a couple of years back, but at least now I'm viewing it as training and rewiring of the brain. Also, she and I had a good time, of course.

Still got a long way to go, feeling a bit frustrated, but I know almost all guys need way more than 6 weeks.


 

anon89

Member
(Barely) managed to have intercourse once with the same girl as last time, which was nice.
It did get easier, as suggested above, so PA is probably something I'll have to overcome in addition to ED.

However, she turned out to have extremely strong feelings for me, while I wasn't into her at all beyond hooking up to be honest.
She kept messaging me all the time, and pouring her heart out, so I had to "break up" with her. I now see the value in taking things a bit more slow when meeting women.

I PMO'd twice yesterday. On one hand (ha!) it felt amazing, and I got fully erect, but the constant search for novelty and the emptiness afterwards didn't feel in line with my character any more.
For the first time in years, I'm tempted to find a girlfriend, while at the same time not -needing- it. It's a good feeling.
 

anon89

Member
Have had MO a couple of times after last post, and abstained since mid december.

Spent christmas holidays at my parents' place, and not once did I feel depressed or sorry for myself. This hasn't been the case for probably 10 years, and it's fantastic to have my family and friends finally see me feeling like I should.

I largely think this is because of rebooting, and also to an extent because I've read up on conservative politics and values, which feels like stepping away from victimhood mentality.
 

anon89

Member
Back with a struggle+success story!

1:
A few weeks ago, I was in bed with someone I met at a party, and had the same problems as before (soft halfway erections).
I had a couple of PMOs since new year's, but I don't know how much those affected the situation. I think the determining factor was that I wasn't really interested in her, apart from sex.

2:
Last week, I went to bed with someone I had been on a few dates with, who I really liked and had a connection with, and things went so much better!
I felt very relaxed, managed relatively easily to get hard enough for intercourse, even with a condom on. Last time that happened was almost 5 years ago.

The two women were comparable in terms of physical attractiveness, but that's of course not all that matters.
Looking back, I think my situation has been more related to performance anxiety (and lacking emotional connection with partners) than erectile dysfunction. Maybe 80/20?

ED or not, I'm still very glad to have gotten a basic understanding of porn/ED/dopamine/neuroplasticity/etc. I'm seeing a wonderful woman, and things are going well.

Thanks for your support, everyone!
 
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