Starting Recovery - Unique Situation - Looking for advice

O

openreboot

Member
I'm 38 years old.  I started looking at porn around 16 years old, but not really the "high speed, instant access" kind until my mid 20's.  I did not really become sexually active until I was around 23.

Since then, I've probably been masturbating with porn 4-5 times a week, moving from video to video, searching for the next best thing.

My erections have never been great, but good enough most of the time to get things done with my wife, though I've noticed it getting worse and worse over time.  I turned to pills, which worked great initially, but have now become less effective.

Here's the kicker...
My wife and I are in an open relationship for a little over a year now, we are allowed to be with others sexually outside of each other.  With these women, I've had a MUCH harder time, and its the rare occasion that things work well.  Part of the fun of the open relationship is when we come back to each other and share the experience - it's been a big turn on for each of us.

As I'm starting my recovery (fully stopped everything even related to an orgasm 6 days ago after finding this site and being enlightened), I'm worried about things that will cause me to either relapse, or slow the progress.  My hard rules so far are absolutely no masturbation, and absolutely no porn or visual imagery to get me thinking about porn.

1. Should I still be able to attempt and have sex with my wife at any point during this process, as long as my mind is focused on what's happening in front of me, and not wandering to fantasies?
2. Should I still be able to attempt and have sex with other women at any point during this process?
3. Should I limit what my wife communicates to me about her experiences, even if I don't get off on them, because that's triggering the "fantasy" type thing in my head?
4. Has anyone else gone through a recovery in an open relationship?  What did that look like?
5. Will my progress move faster if I just forget about orgasms entirely for a while (still getting my wife off through various means)?

I'm really hopeful about my journey, and I feel super inspired by all of the accounts I read here.  I have the support of my wife, and I feel like I can actually make a change for the better, though I just need reassurance that I'm doing it the best way.
 
mousemat1

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
You say your erections have never been 'great'. Do you mean even while masturbating to porn?

If you have PIED then the answer to your problem is to stop watching porn; forever! It's very difficult to offer advice without knowing the full story. Are your erections weak with you wife, but strong when you watch porn? If so, that's classic desensitisation. Sex with you wife isn't giving your brain the dopamine hit it craves. The solution; stop watching porn and, when your brain has rebalanced itself, sex with your wife should become more 'exciting' and 'rewarding'.

It's interesting that you find gaining a solid erection more difficult in your extramarital affairs. I would imagine that the excitement of a new partner would give your brain the hit it needs. I've never been involved in an open relationship so I can't really offer any sound advice.

Masturbating to porn 4-5 times a week, moving from video to video, is a classic precursor to PIED. How long are your porn sessions? Are you edging for long periods? It seems that porn is more rewarding than sex with your wife. If it weren't, how would you explain the need to masturbate 4-5 times a week? The problem isn't your wife. The problem is porn.

Stop using porn completely. PIED often gets worse before it gets better during a reboot (flatline). This is the tough part! I'm 111 days into my reboot and I'm still in my flatline.

Anyway, good luck and welcome to the forum.
 
M

marco_60

Active Member
I am much older than you (60) and I went through all this before. My impression is that you need to relax right now, from what you write you seem too worried about getting soon some results. I suggest to simply forget about sex for a while: just give yourself time. It will come soon, if you will be patient and firm
 
O

openreboot

Member
mousemat1 said:
You say your erections have never been 'great'. Do you mean even while masturbating to porn?

If you have PIED then the answer to your problem is to stop watching porn; forever! It's very difficult to offer advice without knowing the full story. Are your erections weak with you wife, but strong when you watch porn? If so, that's classic desensitisation. Sex with you wife isn't giving your brain the dopamine hit it craves. The solution; stop watching porn and, when your brain has rebalanced itself, sex with your wife should become more 'exciting' and 'rewarding'.

It's interesting that you find gaining a solid erection more difficult in your extramarital affairs. I would imagine that the excitement of a new partner would give your brain the hit it needs. I've never been involved in an open relationship so I can't really offer any sound advice.

Masturbating to porn 4-5 times a week, moving from video to video, is a classic precursor to PIED. How long are your porn sessions? Are you edging for long periods? It seems that porn is more rewarding than sex with your wife. If it weren't, how would you explain the need to masturbate 4-5 times a week? The problem isn't your wife. The problem is porn.

Stop using porn completely. PIED often gets worse before it gets better during a reboot (flatline). This is the tough part! I'm 111 days into my reboot and I'm still in my flatline.

Anyway, good luck and welcome to the forum.
Click to expand...

I'd say my sessions were probably about 30-60 minutes long.  I fully agree the problem is not my wife, its porn, and I intend to stop completely.  My erections were always strong during porn, and either weak to just OK with real people.  I agree, classic desensitization.  I think the lack of erections with other partners was a combination of desensitization as well as anxiety about whether or not it would perform, though I won't really know until I get through this and rebalance my brain.
 
mousemat1

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Yes, with the other women it could be performance anxiety. An hour of stroking to porn is a pretty long time. My big mistake was edging for long periods.

It sounds like PIED if you can get hard to porn and not to the real thing. You're doing the right thing. It's absolutely crucial that you stop using porn. You will recover, but it can take a long time. I've rebooted and relapsed several times, and each time I recovered. The problem is that porn has kept pulling me back.

Good luck. Post your progress here. It's really helpful to the rest of us to hear how someone's doing.
 
O

openreboot

Member
Day 6 of no porn, no masturbation.

Successfully had a quickie with my wife (which isn't totally out of the norm, but sometimes can prove to be trouble).  Took a little bit of mouth/hand arousal from her to get me to a good enough state.

So far I've had zero urges to masturbate or look at porn!
 
J

JB1997

Member
Keep it up, and good job! Almost through week 1 it sounds like. I wanted to answer your question about if you should still try to have sex with other people because that is something that I struggled with a good amount. I'm 23, but just being in a relationship going through everything with porn addiction and inability to maintain an erection was very difficult for both of us. It was difficult for me, but also for her because she thought that my inability to get aroused without porn was because I didn't find her attractive anymore, which was an idea that she believed and we had to clarify and talk about a lot. I found that just being fully open and communicating everything that I was feeling, why this was happening and why I was so sensitized to porn, and that I still thought the world of her made the process easier. I also wanted to clarify expectations with her and that we could try to have sex, or she could try oral on me, but it may not work. I found that even positions such as lying down vs. standing played a factor because traditionally I had masturbated lying down, so standing seemed to be more difficult to maintain an erection. Lighting also made an impact on my arousal too - it also just had to do with what I was sensitized to in addition to just the porn itself. So all in all, I'd say you can try to use the environment to your advantage and do things that are familiar (obviously without porn) when you try to have sex with someone again. Second, just communicate what you're experiencing and that things "might not work" when you try to have sex and clear that air, as opposed to really worrying about it and then having to give the explanation of why "things didn't work" (if you choose to), after things stop if sex just isn't happening at that time. Hope this helps, keep working at it man! Cheers

-Josh
 
O

openreboot

Member
That's an interesting thing you mentioned about the position (sitting vs lying down, etc) and how that impacts the arousal.  Most of my PMO habits were in a sitting position and I think that has some influence on me. 

My wife is definitely on board with me getting better, and is completely ok with when things "dont quite work".  Much more difficult conversation to have with partners outside my marriage, but I think honesty is really the only option.
 
Pedro Delgado

Pedro Delgado

Member
openreboot said:
I'm 38 years old.  I started looking at porn around 16 years old, but not really the "high speed, instant access" kind until my mid 20's.  I did not really become sexually active until I was around 23.

Since then, I've probably been masturbating with porn 4-5 times a week, moving from video to video, searching for the next best thing.

My erections have never been great, but good enough most of the time to get things done with my wife, though I've noticed it getting worse and worse over time.  I turned to pills, which worked great initially, but have now become less effective.

Here's the kicker...
My wife and I are in an open relationship for a little over a year now, we are allowed to be with others sexually outside of each other.  With these women, I've had a MUCH harder time, and its the rare occasion that things work well.  Part of the fun of the open relationship is when we come back to each other and share the experience - it's been a big turn on for each of us.

As I'm starting my recovery (fully stopped everything even related to an orgasm 6 days ago after finding this site and being enlightened), I'm worried about things that will cause me to either relapse, or slow the progress.  My hard rules so far are absolutely no masturbation, and absolutely no porn or visual imagery to get me thinking about porn.

1. Should I still be able to attempt and have sex with my wife at any point during this process, as long as my mind is focused on what's happening in front of me, and not wandering to fantasies?
2. Should I still be able to attempt and have sex with other women at any point during this process?
3. Should I limit what my wife communicates to me about her experiences, even if I don't get off on them, because that's triggering the "fantasy" type thing in my head?
4. Has anyone else gone through a recovery in an open relationship?  What did that look like?
5. Will my progress move faster if I just forget about orgasms entirely for a while (still getting my wife off through various means)?

I'm really hopeful about my journey, and I feel super inspired by all of the accounts I read here.  I have the support of my wife, and I feel like I can actually make a change for the better, though I just need reassurance that I'm doing it the best way.
Click to expand...

Are you having this hard time getting fully erected with your wife as well or only with these new women?
 
O

openreboot

Member
Pedro Delgado said:
Are you having this hard time getting fully erected with your wife as well or only with these new women?
Click to expand...

I have an easier time with my wife than the other women, but it's still difficult no matter what, and it isn't guaranteed to happen. 

I know what I *should* be capable of, and I very strongly believe I can get there after this recovery.
 
Pedro Delgado

Pedro Delgado

Member
openreboot said:
Pedro Delgado said:
Are you having this hard time getting fully erected with your wife as well or only with these new women?
Click to expand...

I have an easier time with my wife than the other women, but it's still difficult no matter what, and it isn't guaranteed to happen. 

I know what I *should* be capable of, and I very strongly believe I can get there after this recovery.
Click to expand...

The fact that you have an easier time with your wife could be related to the rapport you both have, you also said you noticed it getting worse and worse over time, for how long have you been having these erection issues?
 
O

openreboot

Member
Pedro Delgado said:
The fact that you have an easier time with your wife could be related to the rapport you both have, you also said you noticed it getting worse and worse over time, for how long have you been having these erection issues?
Click to expand...

Yes, I think part of it is anxiety and the rapport with my wife, but most of it is PIED.  I've had the erection issues the entirety of our relationship (13+ years), but worsening over time.  We've only been in an open relationship for a bit over one year.  When looking at porn, my erections are instantaneous and extremely solid.  It takes so much more arousal + stimulation + comfort to get there with a person.

She was the first person I had full intercourse with, and starting so late in life sexually was problematic for both my self esteem as well as the fact that I was resorting to porn for sexual satisfaction the first 10 years of my life and building the wrong connections, though the porn during that time was fairly mainstream and not even close to what's available today.

Side note:  Ten days now without any Porn or Masturbation.  Had oral and normal intercourse with my wife.  No urges to even remotely look at porn still, and only the tiniest urge to masturbate which I can easily will away.
 
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