So many layers of porn addiction I'm not sure where to start......

Hey, never done this before but I certainly need to air and share my problem as it's been nearly 9 years of PIED that has cost me physically, emotionally and financially.

In brief, I started viewing porn from a young age as it was in the house - then developed to internet porn in the 90's, then high-speed stuff in the last decade or so.  I started working from home when I set up my own business about 10 years ago - I found that porn was a stress release when the business was taxing me and I ended up MO about 3/4 times a day on a regular basis. Inevitably I ended up needing more extreme / varied porn to excite me (which I now understand why from the Your Brain on Porn videos) and could only get aroused by more varied and unusual stuff.  I tried may times to stop and kept a log but the best I could do was 8 days clear - I felt a real failure as I was watching videos from guys who were going 90 / 120 days with no porn / MO.  (During this time the only way I could have sex with my wife was to make sure I took Cialis before any possible sexual activity. Due to her health it was a very irregular thing anyway so I was always needing a release by using porn).

Moving on a bit, about 5 years ago I tried rebooting and thought that maybe seeing a prostitute would help me come to terms with my need for intimacy / sex and would help my brain rewire to the touch of a female and physical sex. Over the years I must have spent well over ?2000 on prostitutes plus a supply of Viagra / Cialis (another ?1200). I have only ever ejaculated during sex on one occasion with all the working girls I met and I even found it nearly impossible on most occasions to climax even though I had a real, naked female right beside me, not a porn image - this just frustrated me even further.  About a year ago I got so frustrated with not performing when with a prostitute and I started surfing on Craiglist and similar sites looking to find people who wanted NSA sex - and this was female or male..!  I set up a few new email addresses, got two sim-only mobiles and have been leading a dual / triple existence.

I know, I know... something in my brain should have said this was wrong, my moral compass should have righted itself and stopped me. But, the worrying thing was that I was enjoying the thrill and excitement of doing something wrong, even dangerous. I had a few experiences with men, telephone relationships with a couple of females and I have carried on with paying for sex. 

The reason I am sharing this ..?    Well, as I sit and write this I still have a strong desire to continue to seek out new and exciting / varied sexual experiences.. which in some ways frightens me but in others it excites me.  I made a conscious effort 4 days ago to stop porn, not look at anything remotely sexual (films, news, girls in the street), start exercising and really try to break this habit.  But.. I am still planning in my mind that once I get my erection back I will visit a working girl near me and pay for it again.

I certainly have PIED but I am worried that I am actually addicted to sex.  Is it because I have had a recent life full of sexual fantasy / exploration that I am just in that bubble and once I stop using porn and masturbating that the cravings will subside...?  Or is that just how I'm wired and I will always have a need to push the boundaries..?  I sometimes feel the Jekyll and Hyde effect - I know as a normal family man with values and scruples that what I am doing is totally wrong but there is this other side that somehow takes over and drives me to keep pushing the boundaries and seek excitement and danger.  If my wife ever found out I can't even begin to contemplate the disastrous effect that would have on our marriage.

I therefore really need to hear from other guys and hopefully hear of similar tales so I can accept that this is normal "abnormal" behaviour.  I desperately want to get rid of my PIED, I desperately want to rid myself of the need to be sexually experimental as I do believe it is affecting my home life and the ability to run my business effectively.

I sincerely hope to hear from anyone out there...!!!

Milo,
Desire for sex is a natural human instinct.
Its universal for every living creature.
Its only warped when the desire for sex outweighs the desire for existence, or when the nature of sex becomes more extreme.
Then its properly classified as addiction.

We are social creatures and all crave intimacy and connection. Sex is but one component of this equation, and it serves deeper functions.
But to make sex be all and end all of relationships will not fulfill the connecting element.
Sex is physical.
Connection is emotional.
To feel complete requires both.

Next is the question of looking at sex as a means of feeling accomplishment.
Humans are a success driven species.
If you are driven towards sex as the main means of feeling good about yourself, then you need to ask yourself why you cant feel the same in the real world, and need to escape into the sex world.
This was my problem for the longest time.

I look back and know when i have a loving lively and connected partner, i never needed porn.
When my work is engaging and interesting and satisfactory i never needed porn.
In fact i can even see it as a waste of time because it was not enriching me mentally or emotionally.

Fuck and forget is like going to the first fast food place when hungry.
Its shitty food that "tastes good" but hurts loads in the long run.
There is no end to these options, and as a result, you can never be satisfied.
To never be satisfied means you'll always be craving and suffering.

Be good to yourself.
Understand what is beneficial to you.
Find out what you truly need.
Then you will find true happiness.

When i was immersed in porn, i was selfish and delusional.
Coming out of it, facing my problems head on, connecting with society realistically has helped me tremendously to fit back in and feel connected.

Wishing the very best for you.

Hey, thanks for your wise words, there was a lot in there that resonates with me.

I think at some level I have been dissatisfied in my work and home life, didn't feel a sense of accomplishment and the release I found was porn. It was a quick fix, made me feel good and scratched an itch.  However, as we all know, the negative effect it has is, at times, beyond measure.

I have to break the habit, I have to get some normality back into my life and clear my mind of sexual thoughts. It's tough but I hope that abstinence will gradually begin to reduce the cravings.

Thanks again..!!

DAY 5 - I usually last 8, never managed more, so keeping positive this time.  I have kept myself busy with work - I have started to go to the local coffee shop to do some work so I am around people and that has helped. I have kept up my exercise regime and do a lot more walking than before so my mind id keeping occupied.

I still have cravings, I so want to MO at the moment but i know I have to abstain in order to let my pathways heal and settle my brain.  Writing on here certainly helps.

I'm heading on holiday in 2 weeks where I will be with other people virtually 24/7 so that will definitely take the pressure off a bit. I just have to survive until then...!!!!!!

milogasker, TakeActionNow, and anyone else:

What do you consider porn?  To me P is anything that causes erotic behavior.
So that could be a girl in a bikini.  Perhaps I am wrong, I would love to have the opinions
of others.  However even if it's not true the a bikini is P, that is where it starts for me on IT

Jed,
I consider all not normal interaction as porn.
Pretty people on the street isnt. Its normal.
Pretty skimpy people in the beach isnt. Its normal.

Watching people have sex is not normal
Having a girl open her legs while talking to you on cam is not normal
Having a stranger walk around naked for you to ogle at is not normal
Can you see the difference?

Now if bikini girls are affecting you, have a think if you are admiring, lusting or fantaszing.
If you are lusting or fantasizing perhaps you should distance yourself.

The point here is to not objectify people.
They should be seen normally and you can respect their private space.

Hi Jed, the dictionary describes Porn as "the depiction of erotic behaviour (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement".  With me, I believe that over 40 years of seeing females as "sexual objects", I just can't help looking at females in the street, in adverts etc,etc and having lustful feelings.  If I'm walking down the street and see an attractive female it takes every ounce of willpower not to turn and look at her ass.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am a family man with 3 daughters and I  absolutely hate the thought of another man doing that to any of my girls. That's why I can't get over the Jekyll & Hyde analogy - my rational brain says that this behaviour is unacceptable but my "other" brain encourages these desires and feelings.

I need to distance myself from thinking of females in this way and hopefully dilute my response when I see an attractive female to one of accepting them as another human being rather than objectifying them as sexual objects.

I think because I have had a relatively vanilla sex life at home.... (I love my Wife to bits but I think that after the initial frantic exploration when you first start dating, most women settle into the "nesting" mode; men however are still programmed to procreate and will continually look for the next shag) ... I have been searching for that erotic excitement and have initially found it in internet porn and then, when that became "vanilla", by seeing prostitutes and seeking sexual encounters with real people.

It is a totally downward spiral that I have been on which I totally accept - I just have to work hard to totally suppress my "other brain" that desires such behaviours.

Day 6  --  2 days off my all-time record of 8 days (sad but true) and I have to admit I'm struggling already..!  However, I'm keeping positive, I'm watching NoFap videos to reinforce the message to my brain and keeping up the exercising.

I still have that flash of lust / desire when I see a scantily clad female on TV or in the press but I'm positive that this will die down in time.

My mantra is  - if I've had 30 years of Internet Porn use then what's 30 days without..no big deal, eh..?!!  That's the equivalent of 10,950 days in my life (at the very least) that I have been using porn / masturbating.  So if I can't initially cope without for 30 days then something is seriously wrong.

Day 7 -  last night I had very vivid sexual dreams including having sex and being caught surfing porn on my laptop.... weird, eh..??  Woke up to a couple of really stiff erections during the night and had morning wood this morning.  This is a lot sooner than I expected..!!!

Yes, I'm still struggling with no MO and have strong urges but I'm determined to see this through.  I'm expecting it to get worse before it gets better but I'm keeping a positive mind..!!

Hello!

Thanks for chairing will follow your progress, be strong!
I will to!

Thanks
T

Thanks T, much appreciated.  I read your post and it has a lot of similarities with my story. Over the years I went from relatively innocent porn mags to eventually meeting with prostitutes, shemales and males in order to satisfy my ever-growing need to be satisfied. When "romantic porn" viewing turned to videos about girls caught sleeping, voyeur porn, rape, BDSM, Shemales, twinkies... etc, etc... I should have realised that my brain had been rewired as I just wasn't getting the buzz / hit from anything I could see on screen.

This craving put me down the route to needing human touch / experiences plus surfing on Craiglist / Backpages / chat sites etc to try and hook up with real people.  As I become a bit more rational about it now (although I'm only a few days in this time) I find it really scary that I was heading down that path. The "what if's.."  don't even bear thinking about.

Ah well... onwards and upwards. I'm going to crack it this time..!!

Milo

Milogasker and TakeActionNow:

I appreciate all the education you guys are giving to me.  Some of what you say is common sense
of course but it's nice to know that someone else feels the same way you do.  I do not usually talk
to any of my friends about this stuff.

There are triggers and for me I need to stay away from fooling with any of that stuff.  I know when
I am goofing off.  Now as to movies that are erotic.  One could accidently get into that with friends
although you would think we would know when something is going to be bad.

They have the movie "Animal House," at our library.  I've considered taking it out even though I have
seen it before.  It's not really that sexual, except for the one scene with the girl in the backseat of the
Lincoln and some sex talk.

But maybe the Beast (or SATAN) would take over as he often does.

I think I also need to work more and watch less you tube.com videos even if they are informational.

Day 8 - this is as far as I've ever got before.. pathetic, I know.  I am coping quite well, doing lots of walking (which is also good to encourage better erections I'm told) and keeping myself away from any sexual pictures and thoughts. I dream about sex nearly every night... not sure what that's telling me. Perhaps it is still too prevalent on my mind and it will settle in due course.

Night time erections are definitely getting stronger and MW is off and on.  I'm also finding it easier to pass attractive women without lusting after them and I consciously force myself not to look them up and down as I normally would. 

I am still finding it tough not being on Craiglist etc so the "desire" is still there for some form of titillation / excitement - again, I presume this will diminish in time as my brain re-wires.

Hey Jed, thanks for your comments, glad some of this stuff is resonating with you.  I dare not watch anything remotely sexual or look at online news where they tend to picture celebrities on the beach, scantily clad.  I just know that at this stage in by reboot it would be too much of a distraction and I could relapse.

Last night there was a quite innocent scene in a film where a young couple were kissing and I really had to switch off from it and put my thoughts elsewhere as flashes of my porn habits shot back into my mind.  I still haven't cleared out my brains "porn bucket" so until it is well and truly empty I can't risk any such influences.

You have to stay away from films and YouTube if the images are anything near sexual.  Replace it by playing another NoFap video to re-affirm the actions you have to take.

Milo

Milo:

Thank you for the suggestion that I watch No Fap videos.  Where does one find those?

There is evil in the world, and it is us (meaning all mankind) that is allowing it.
I'm betting that P is one of the evils, although it is certainly not the only one.  I've had
thoughts that if I could get rid of P, I would not have any problems.  Certainly that is not true.

Inch by inch, life's a cinch.  Yard by Yard, it's very hard.
So I'm going to keep pushing to beat this.

No PMO.

Hey Jed,

I thought you would have been watching these already - YouTube is full of No Fap videos and I use them almost daily to help me get over this.  Also  www.yourbrainonporn.com

Keep up the good work..!!

Day 10 - the longest I have ever gone without MO..!!  I know I have still got a long way to go but I am seeing some benefits already.  Nocturnal erections and morning wood are back and the best I've experienced in a long time.  Energy levels are definitely improved.

My fear is that I'm experiencing these improvements too quickly - I can't believe that after 10 years of quite prolific porn use I would expect to see improvements so quickly - I'm dreading the "flatlining" that a lot of people talk about.

I am also still having extremely vivid sexual dreams - last night I was dreaming about getting off whilst surfing porn and it was sooooo real it was scary. Today has been a bit tougher to keep my hands off my dick - possibly because of last nights dreams or the number of days I am in - who knows..?

Anyway... I'm still persevering and I will kick this habit..!!

10 days..... keep up the good work  and use your energy to find a way to cope with any possible flatline  do things to improve yourself knowing you are becoming a different person  and that in time will help you get through any flatline    It will also help keep your mind occupied elsewhere  After 10 days I was really amazed by how I felt  I started to feel a confidence I had never had (my addiction ran for 30 years)  I am now way over 100 days on and never have felt better  Keep coming here in your free time and listening to the success of others and hearing their encouragement  It really can help

      Cheers    Post often it helps me it helps you

Good work Milo - sounds like things are all over the place at the moment; hang in there, and if things get a bit heated, just remember why you want to give up!


Karzam

Thanks Joepanic and Karzam, great words of encouragement.  I know there's light at the end of this very long tunnel and I so want to get back to have mental control of my dick and no more PIED.  The urges for some form of relief are still very high but I am keeping focused..!