Struggling at day 26 with no PMO

Ok here goes. I am never going to get through this without help. I am 52. Masturbating since I have been able to. A little porn here and there until I deployed in 2010 to a remote base. Video porn passed around like candy. Have been solidly PMO hooked since then. Married over 30 yrs. I now have worsening ED and very low T. Getting treatment for the low T but performance not improving until I stopped cold 26 days ago. No PMO for 26 days. I was all kinds of crazy until day 20.  Better since then but still very difficult to keep going. Marriage has been rocky. She is not aware of PMO. She is trying to figure out why I am not performing better since T is up. We had sex on day 22 & 23 with the help of some viagra and did ok. She is aware of the viagra. I am feeling better and able to have some willpower I didn?t have before. I did confide in a friend and asked him to be an accountability partner with me. This has been probably the biggest help. Also I have listened to as many rebootnation and similar videos I can(very help/hopeful).

Any suggestions? Is this too early be having sex with my wife?  Trying to make it Unrushed, unselfish, meaningful and connected sex. But I don?t want to sabotage my recovery either.

How are you emotionally / psychologically ?

Aside from ED through excessive exposure to visual stimulants, your mental and physical health is also very important.

If you are not interested and engaged in real life, your libido will drop too.

Ways to stimulate yourself mentally is to do difficult and challenging things.
And keep collecting successes.

In time your lust for life will increase, your focus on your shortcomings decrease, and all things should rise naturally.

Emotionally I am not well really. In the background of all of this i have moderate PTSD and I also have ADD.lots of anxiety hour to hour. I have really turned inward and become very selfish serving me. My wife has noticed I have been aggressive sexually and unkind words towards her day to day. She is unsatisfied emotionally and sexually of later.

I am working on my spiritual/ faith life with my accountability buddy. This has been emotionally very healthy. I have been so angry and self loathing it has depressed me to thinking about suicide. There I said it. I have thought about it. I have never made a plan.

I need to write some things here because I don?t have any place else to write them. My last PMO was on Veterans Day. And I was watching some very disturbing stuff. I laid in bed after and knew this had to end. I had to do something, anything to stop this. I knew I couldn?t do it alone and I knew I couldn?t talk to me wife it would crush her. On the third day after I realized the sick of what I was doing, I reached out to a friend. More like I crashed into my friends life with a scream for help. He stepped up and I met him. He agreed to walk with me through this.

You are not alone.
I have considered ending life twice. No more than 6 months ago.
But i have found the will to live through challenge and forgetting myself.
The journey is not easy. I get anxiety attacks too.
When it happens i am like a drug addict in cold.turkey.

But i am seeing the light now
I only have one life. I will not let it go to waste, no matter my history. What little days i have left i must not let it go to waste.
It is with this attitude i am finding myself again, i am finding purpose and meaning again.
Struggle is good.
It is through struggle that we find achievement, self worth and self respect.
Be strong my friend.
You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Keep your eyes focused on success not issues.
In time all you will see is your greatness.

Man, that sounds rough, and yeah, you are not alone. Here are the things I would suggest:

- Can you get a therapist? Professional help could really make a difference.
- Are you in an area that has group sessions similar to AA, but for this addiction? If so, try them out.
- Seriously consider talking to your wife. Frankly, if I had not done that I'd never have succeeded (still a process to be sure -- only 40 days in myself). I'm sure others can do it while not being open with their partner, but I think it adds a whole new level to the entire process. Check out, "Love You, Hate the Porn" by Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer for advice on how to do that.
- Keep posting here and with your accountability partner. Corresponding with mine who I met on here has been a total life saver. Just make it a regular thing so that you don't feel so alone.

I hope some of that helps. You are doing the right thing. Keep it going!

Today is Day 31 with no PMO. I guess I am not sure how to count O with my wife??  We have had sex 3x with some viagra help. I have been able to keep my erection so I am going to stay with that. No one has commented on whether or not this will slow my recovery or not. I am feeling like I have some control. Having some hope I can do this.

Already feeling some confidence socially and hoping that continues.

Hopeful@last said:

Ok here goes. I am never going to get through this without help. I am 52. Masturbating since I have been able to. A little porn here and there until I deployed in 2010 to a remote base. Video porn passed around like candy. Have been solidly PMO hooked since then. Married over 30 yrs. I now have worsening ED and very low T. Getting treatment for the low T but performance not improving until I stopped cold 26 days ago. No PMO for 26 days. I was all kinds of crazy until day 20.  Better since then but still very difficult to keep going. Marriage has been rocky. She is not aware of PMO. She is trying to figure out why I am not performing better since T is up. We had sex on day 22 & 23 with the help of some viagra and did ok. She is aware of the viagra. I am feeling better and able to have some willpower I didn?t have before. I did confide in a friend and asked him to be an accountability partner with me. This has been probably the biggest help. Also I have listened to as many rebootnation and similar videos I can(very help/hopeful).

Any suggestions? Is this too early be having sex with my wife?  Trying to make it Unrushed, unselfish, meaningful and connected sex. But I don?t want to sabotage my recovery either.

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I have some similarities to you.

I'm 57 and married.  I have low T.

I'm having the T treated with pellets inserted into my hip.  They say that my T numbers are in an acceptable range, but frankly other than the first insertion I haven't felt much different.

Now, on to the recovery.

When I started this journey about 12 weeks ago I was going to try the same thing.  Don't tell the wife, and hope for the best.  Very quickly I realized that was not going to work.  I wanted to be honest with her.

At first she was very upset and mad at me, but she's calmed down a bit and now she's quite understanding and supportive.  When we fool around now it's mostly me doing stuff to her.  Neither one of us touches my penis....

When I first gave up porn, we did fool around three times and I did MO with her.  I thought about this and realized I didn't like that, so I reset the counter and started hardmode.  No P,  No M,  and No O.  Period.  I think I'm at 54 days now.

I won't watch porn again for the rest of my life, and I won't O again until my porn induced problems (ED/DE) are gone and I can O PIV.

Right now I'm still in a flatline so my emotions are all over the place and I am completely unable to get an erection.

I know that there are two parts to this equation.  Re-Booting and Re-Wiring.  Sounds like you're doing both.

The advice I've read however recommends a good solid period of time (at least 90 days?) of NO PMO.  So I think it's fine to have sex with your wife, but I don't think it's optimal for your recovery to O.

And just on a personal note, it was really, really difficult, but I feel so much better since I shared everything with my wife.  Communication is so important, and I didn't want her constantly wondering what the hell was going on...

Best of luck to you brother.  Stay strong and achieve your goals!!