Author Topic: And now for something completely different  (Read 306 times)

windowlicker

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And now for something completely different
« on: November 05, 2017, 04:58:34 AM »
This is my first post here, so hello everyone.

I'm 25 years old, have been masturbating from a very early age but shit really hit the fan when I got access to internet porn around 11 years ago, looking back at things it was also around that time when I started to feel tired, depressed, and just very apathetic and insecure 99% of the time, which was a huge change from a very upbeat personality I had before. I think it derailed my life in a way that for all of my formative years I was alone, with no real relationships whatsoever, and my sexuality was fed with only artificial substitutes. The worst part is that my environment is very porn-friendly, I work from home and always have at least 10 hours a day with no one around and porn one click away. To cut a long story short, just like everyone else here I have a history of things gone wrong – very disturbing porn preferences, confused sexuality, not being able to perform well with real partner, feeling disconnected, struggling with relationships, etc.

I don't think that it's only porn to blame for everything, but starting to really feel like I can't have this in my life any longer. This is such a stupid thing to occupy yourself with, pure idiocy.

I'm on a day 9 or so without porn and masturbation (it started involuntarily so can't recall the exact date), occasionally having sex with my girlfriend but that's it, interestingly enough but performance did improve already though not dramatically. No urges to watch porn so far, what did the trick for me is keeping the mind occupied with.. well, let's call it "thinking about thinking" i.e. staying perpetually aware of weird ways our minds work and trying to notice how I think and how I feel/react or process things. Don't know why but it just breaks the circle of porn habit for me. Not sure if it's possible to break with it once and for all, so just aiming at minimising the presence of porn and its influence as much as possible. Probably will not write here very often, but wish everyone all the luck in removing porn from their lives.

windowlicker

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Re: And now for something completely different
« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2017, 08:25:31 AM »
It's day 11 and things are going pretty well, I wasn't planning on abstaining from sex, but for a number of reasons it hasn't been an option for a week or so and probably won't be for another one, so seems like I'm going "hardcore" with this reboot. It's my first time trying to quit for good and probably the longest streak in nearly a decade (sounds crazy), there's clearly a difference in how I feel, especially when it comes to the state of mind – it's very comfortable in a sense that it feels like intrinsically mine, not being overly affected by something out of my control. It probably won't last and will change over time, but I really like how it feels so far.

There's barely any urge to look at porn, it surfaces for a moment when there's some trigger but it's very weak and subsides on its own. Triggers appear to be very straightforward, like an image of a beautiful woman, or when sex is mentioned somehow, rarely it's memories though those seems to be the strongest ones. Libido is definitely there but it feels like I can wait much longer now without doing anything with it before it becomes unbearable for the mind.

Trying to figure out what should be the strategy in the long run. At this point the most reasonable scenario seems to be going without porn and masturbation for 90 days, and then, if the urge to look at porn is gone, slowly introduce very rare masturbation without porn if needed, as I don't think going over 2 weeks without any sexual release is good for the body, so it will probably be once a month or two when I simply can't have sex for whatever reason (if someone tends to disagree I'd like to hear your arguments, I'm open to other ideas).


Jack Can

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Re: And now for something completely different
« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2017, 10:34:30 AM »
I think it was around the second week for me too when I'd have little arguments with myself saying how often I would allow myself to masturbate. And idk, for me, after awhile those arguments just seemed to lose control. You're probably right that an occasional release is better for you than not, but the body has safeguards setup for when you don't get off.

windowlicker

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Re: And now for something completely different
« Reply #3 on: November 09, 2017, 12:57:37 AM »
Hi Jack, thanks for your reply. I do agree that it potentially can get out of control, so decided not to think about it until I get to the 90 day mark (or even much later, I probably need way more time to reboot than that).

Day 13

So far so good, I would even say that it is way too easy to abstain from these things, but that makes it even more important not to lose one's vigilance. Had some sex on days 11 and 12 (I know I assumed it wasn't going to be an option, but apparently it was), performance is definitely much better – honestly, even if that ends up being the highest level of performance possible I'll be fine with it.

zander13

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Re: And now for something completely different
« Reply #4 on: November 09, 2017, 10:17:03 AM »
My fantasies are similar. Keep it up man, I'm jealous that you are already at a point where you can have sex

windowlicker

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Re: And now for something completely different
« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2017, 07:52:25 AM »
Hi zander13, thanks man and wishing you all the best. Just to clarify, if I ever had PIED it was somewhat mild and it was only a few times that I would completely loose my erection during the act, it also overlapped with being physically and mentally exhausted on those occasions so I didn't worry about it that much. Overall, it was more like being at 70-80% of erection most of the act with a gradual decline, last couple of times were at around 90% (just my guess, obviously that can't be measured) and very steady, so it's a good improvement for me but not a dramatic one.

Day 14

I'm trying not to be overly optimistic about the process as it's only been two weeks, but it's starting to feel like around the time when I finally switched to eating healthy, that being the moment when you clearly see all the benefits of a healthy habit and see no reason to go back to the old harmful one. Also, seems like making changes in other areas of life helps with this reboot – making an effort to read daily so that the mind is more occupied with something that is not as shallow as watching youtube, reading news, etc.

windowlicker

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Re: And now for something completely different
« Reply #6 on: November 12, 2017, 12:13:58 PM »
Day 16

Yesterday was the first day when I actually had it hard, probably because of a weird sexual dream the night earlier, but managed to cope with that. Today is O.K. for the most part. Not really sure what else to say, it's as expected so far – there's more clarity of the mind, more confidence, etc. Oh yeah, was given a blow job yesterday and it was ridiculously easy to orgasm from it.

Red Bear

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Re: And now for something completely different
« Reply #7 on: November 12, 2017, 12:56:33 PM »
Good to hear that you still can have sex after all that story. At your place I would have sex with a girlfriend as often is possible. I am pretty sure it helps to recover. Good luck, man!

windowlicker

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Re: And now for something completely different
« Reply #8 on: November 13, 2017, 07:53:04 AM »
Hi Red Bear, thanks and good luck to you! She's at a lower end of libido spectrum so as often as possible is certainly not as often as I would wish for it to be, but it sure helps nonetheless.

Day 17

Everything as usual, however a weird thing happened yesterday – I was able to get an erection not only without any visual stimuli but without even thinking of anyhting sexual, I was just lying naked under the blanket and got curious if it is actually possible to work through the sensations in the body, and just as for example you contract a muscle to move your arm, to control erection from a purely physiological perspective. Not sure how to describe what I did but I ended up with one (and a damn good one). I've been doing kegel exercises in recent weeks and it was like channeling some of the sensations you feel when doing those. Tried it again today – same thing.

windowlicker

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Re: And now for something completely different
« Reply #9 on: November 15, 2017, 04:31:40 AM »
Day 19

Things are going well, though noticed I'm thinking of sex (or rather of nature of the sexual aspect in relationships) more and more and my mind, used to porn, is attempting to imagine things in a graphic way sometimes so I have to stop it from wondering into that direction before it does. Sex is much better now than it used to be, didn't think not looking at porn and not masturbating can have such a great effect.

Does it help that much to keep counting the days? I thought it was day 17 today and felt 100% O.K. about it, in the long run it probably won't matter if it's day 170 or 190. I will certainly masturbate or look at porn at some point in my life, so maybe it makes sense to try and keep the % of days when I do that as low as possible, rather than aiming for change promising streaks of time aka reboots.

windowlicker

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Re: And now for something completely different
« Reply #10 on: November 16, 2017, 03:28:00 AM »
Day 20

Had a terrible load of graphic sexual dreams this night, though to be fair there was much more regular dreams. I was afraid that my libido may sink after I stop watching porn and masturbating (because who knows, maybe it was only fueled by porn), but now I can see it's clearly there. Yes, it takes weird shapes in dreams but maybe that's the way dreams are supposed to be. When I'm awake it's still relatively easy to abstain from porn, I remember that at some point not so long time ago I would go and search for porn right after my girlfriend would leave for work, that's not the case anymore, but I do feel like there's still a lot of desire for sex, maybe even more than before – I used to not pay much attention to girls at the gym, even if they were hot as hell, I would normally just go about my business and not look or anything, but lately it's way harder not to look at least for a little bit.

What I can say for sure is that I'm much more productive at work and finally can read books without losing my attention right away. Damn that feels good.

windowlicker

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Re: And now for something completely different
« Reply #11 on: November 20, 2017, 02:09:17 AM »
Day 24

Sexual dreams again this night, not that graphic at all though, I'm starting to feel that this is the hardest moment in the reboot so far. Just a lot of stress that I wish I could rid myself of with sex, but not an option, so indeed masturbation seems somewhat desirable, but hopefully I do not ruin the progress made so far. Yes, I will probably masturbate at some point, just not on day 24. As to porn, still can't believe how good life is without it.

windowlicker

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Re: And now for something completely different
« Reply #12 on: November 21, 2017, 09:19:01 AM »
Day 25

A shit ton of stress last couple of days, still don't want to look at porn but feel like I'm going to masturbate at some point soon as sex is not going to be an option for some time. Not sure if that's a good idea though. Will see how it goes.

dusty

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Re: And now for something completely different
« Reply #13 on: November 21, 2017, 09:27:43 AM »
Hi man, good luck! Our cases are very similar, I will be following your rebooting, so far it seems good :)

windowlicker

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Re: And now for something completely different
« Reply #14 on: November 27, 2017, 03:07:12 AM »
Hey dusty, all the best of luck to you too!

Day 31

Ended up masturbating that last time I wrote here, was doubting the decision but hey I want this to be a reboot from porn, not masturbation once in a while. Today marks my first month without porn, hope I'll be able to sustain this.

windowlicker

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Re: And now for something completely different
« Reply #15 on: December 07, 2017, 05:56:23 AM »
Day 39

Going through a lot of troubles at work/personal life, masturbated couple of times over the last week but no porn of course, and I don't know if it's the stress or fap but I do feel a noticeable decrease in sexual performance, so will be eliminating masturbation completely once more – apparently it wasn't a good idea after all, even in moderation.