Author Topic: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency  (Read 1186 times)

Strikeatruepath

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #50 on: November 21, 2017, 06:18:35 AM »
Yeah, here's to it ATR!
You are really getting stuck in and going through all the stuff you have to go through without having the porn to lean on. Great that you have the support of your partner. As time goes by you will feel a lot better about yourself -it is a massive relief to be free of the guilt that comes with porn use and the furtive behaviours that we adopt when using.

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #51 on: November 22, 2017, 01:21:32 AM »
Yeah, here's to it ATR!
You are really getting stuck in and going through all the stuff you have to go through without having the porn to lean on. Great that you have the support of your partner. As time goes by you will feel a lot better about yourself -it is a massive relief to be free of the guilt that comes with porn use and the furtive behaviours that we adopt when using.

Thank you! I am starting to feel some relief in that area and it feels great. I appreciate the kind words.

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #52 on: November 22, 2017, 01:26:12 AM »
I realized I have not been using this template and I’m up late today and don’t want to write much, so I’ll use this:

- Did I use porn today?
   - Nope!
- What were my triggers?
   - Being home alone mid-day. Having some urges this morning.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
   - I closed my eyes and sat with the urges until they passed. Then paid attention to the feelings that followed. Today it was that I felt inferior to the rest of my family -- like a kid compared to them being adults. I think the lack of self-confidence is at the root of some of my PMO as a way to numb out.
- What am I grateful for today?
   - For my wife and family. For snuggling with her and telling her about the above. She accepted it and was supportive.
- Day counter!
   - 25

aquarius25

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #53 on: November 22, 2017, 08:19:42 AM »
My husband did, and still does, deal with lack of confidence. I think that was a big root cause for him. Something he did that I can see helped was when he felt tempted or his mind started to wanter he would do something or carry a memento of something he was proud of and felt confident in. We have a business making things so he would pull out a photo of something he made and reminded himself that he has a lot to be confident in. He would also recite the goals he is working towards. Even for myself in my recovery, looking to the future and where we are headed give hope. I have noticed my bad days come from looking to the past, it is only hurt there, but when I look forward to the agreements we have made each other and the direction we are working towards. That really excites me. Learn from the past but don't let your mind sit there. You have a future to work towards, put your focus there.
You are doing a great job! Keep it up. Don't forget to communicate with your beautiful bride! If something crosses your mind enough to think about it, then tell her. That is huge for the repair of the relationship!

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #54 on: November 23, 2017, 01:23:30 AM »
My husband did, and still does, deal with lack of confidence. I think that was a big root cause for him. Something he did that I can see helped was when he felt tempted or his mind started to wanter he would do something or carry a memento of something he was proud of and felt confident in. We have a business making things so he would pull out a photo of something he made and reminded himself that he has a lot to be confident in. He would also recite the goals he is working towards. Even for myself in my recovery, looking to the future and where we are headed give hope. I have noticed my bad days come from looking to the past, it is only hurt there, but when I look forward to the agreements we have made each other and the direction we are working towards. That really excites me. Learn from the past but don't let your mind sit there. You have a future to work towards, put your focus there.
You are doing a great job! Keep it up. Don't forget to communicate with your beautiful bride! If something crosses your mind enough to think about it, then tell her. That is huge for the repair of the relationship!

Good stuff, thank you! I'm going to give some though to the memento to carry around reminding me of some of the things I have done well. I have no idea what that might be right now, but I like the idea a lot. Thank you!

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #55 on: November 23, 2017, 01:23:51 AM »
Today was relatively normal. I worked a bunch to get caught up for the long weekend. Didn’t get as much done around the house as I would have liked, but did not really have urges either, so I’ve got that going for me. :) Big social day tomorrow with a large Thanksgiving get together with family and friends. It’ll be good to be around folks and right now I have a lot to be thankful for.

- Did I use porn today?
   - Nope!
- What were my triggers?
   - Nothing much today.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
   - I journaled, write my wife in our shared journal, and corresponded with my accountability partner -- super helpful all of these things.
- What am I grateful for today?
   - For my wife, family, house, and work.
- Day counter!
   - 26

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #56 on: November 24, 2017, 11:38:32 PM »
Thanksgiving today. We have a large gathering outside our home and so it is a big socializing day. I’m aware that can be draining, but being prepared helps a lot and I’m going to be taking some time to take walks occasionally. There is a 5k challenge on the Apple Watch and I’m going to try and hit that. I’ll also totally overeat and it’ll be awesome. I think I’ll also have a glass of wine with all the socializing. So far, so good.

Finishing up this journal entry for 11/23 on 11/24:

I ended up having 2 glasses of wine total. One while cooking and another with dinner. That is less than usual for Thanksgiving. Lots of socializing during the day, but did get some good walks in as well. It was late by the time I got home and just went straight to bed and slept hard. It was a good day. :)

- Did I use porn today?
  - Nope!
- What were my triggers?
  - Nothing much today.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
  - I journaled, and wrote my accountability partner.
- What am I grateful for today?
  - For time with family and friends and good food.
- Day counter!
  - 27

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #57 on: November 24, 2017, 11:39:33 PM »
Today my brain told me many times that it would be OK to check out some porn. That I deserved it after such a long and tiring day yesterday. Kept on the straight and narrow this morning, but jumping in the shower wanted to MO. Finished washing quickly and turned it to cold to deal with that. Later checked in with my wife and told her I was struggling and that helped to get some help and comfort from her. I’m exhausted today from everything else and have the fear that I won’t have energy left for resting the urge to PMO. I’ll keep at it though. I’d love to make it to 30 days.

- Did I use porn today?
   - No.
- What were my triggers?
   - Being overly tired and far too socialized for an introvert.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
   - I told my wife that I was struggling today. I sat with the urges and tried to find the feelings associated with them. I did not come up with anything good though. Maybe I need a more quiet environment for that.
- What am I grateful for today?
   - An evening of rest. Driving time in the car with just my wife. It is easy to be around her just the two of us.
- Day counter!
   - 28

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #58 on: November 26, 2017, 12:17:35 AM »
I’m a little down today. After so much socializing, I needed to get back to some house work today and worked on pouring concrete base for a fence gate. It was a huge pain and I’m feeling like I’m just not competent around the house. However, I kept busy enough that I didn’t have any urges. I’m almost to day 30 now and glad for that. I just wish I wasn’t down as much as I am right now for some reason. Also, I really wanted to drink tonight because of my fence work frustration.

- Did I use porn today?
   - No.
- What were my triggers?
   - Being tired and not feeling confident.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
   - Not much of anything other than journal about it.
- What am I grateful for today?
   - Getting stuff done around the house and one more day without PMO.
- Day counter!
   - 29

getagrip

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #59 on: November 26, 2017, 11:11:11 AM »
Hey River...

Now that you've had a chance to sleep on it, do you have any new ideas about why you were feeling down last night? At least you always seem to be able to define your feelings. That way, you can deal with them and try to find solutions. A lot of guys have just vague feelings of discomfort, without really stopping to figure out what's bugging them, and so they turn to porn to get away from that discomfort they haven't defined and dealt with.

Almost to day 30! Great work!
Keep it real. As in real women.

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #60 on: November 26, 2017, 09:31:50 PM »
Now that you've had a chance to sleep on it, do you have any new ideas about why you were feeling down last night?

You know, I'm still not sure. It may have something to do with the 30 day mark though. More on that in my next post.

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #61 on: November 26, 2017, 09:32:11 PM »
I’m putting down most of what went on about this down below. Some other thoughts. I indulged in a few episodes of TV today as a reward for the 30 days. This also means I’ve been off the booze (more or less) for 20 days. I’ve had 3 times where I drank in those 20 days and each time was 2 glasses of wine. This is much lower intake than previously and I think it has helped me stay on track immensely. My self-control goes out the window when I’m drunk. I also tend to stay up later than my wife when drinking, which is a bad combination.

- Did I use porn today?
   - No
- What were my triggers?
   - I worked my ass off around the house this weekend and today is my 30 day mark for non-PMO. I wanted to celebrate that, but when I went to do a small thing for myself (kick off early and head to the river to fish), I failed at it and got super frustrated. I started being super  hard on myself and considering myself worthless.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
   - I journaled in my shared journal with my wife. She read it and reacted well to it and reassured me that I’m not worthless. I think my brain is playing tricks on my again and trying to get me to narrow down the options to celebrate this victory with only things that will lead to PMO again. Tricky fucker, my brain is. Well, journaling and sharing with my wife saved the day today.
- What am I grateful for today?
   - My wife and house and our life together.
- Day counter!
   - 30 (woot!)

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #62 on: November 27, 2017, 10:25:42 PM »
Today was a good day. I didn’t feel like it was a lot of work to stay on track and that was a relief. Not much else to report. Just a good day (what a nice change).

- Did I use porn today?
   - Nope
- What were my triggers?
   - Nothing to speak of.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
   - Kept to my routine of staying busy and around people.
- What am I grateful for today?
   - Family. They are a good influence and I appreciate that.
- Day counter!
   - 31

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #63 on: November 29, 2017, 12:08:46 AM »
Not a lot to report today. Felt good. I took a break over the weekend and yesterday to finish up a TV series that I had put on hold when all this came up. It would be easy to keep going on the TV and I decided to finish that up and then go back to reading and not get caught up in too much TV watching.

- Did I use porn today?
   - No
- What were my triggers?
   - Wanting to watch more fiction TV.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
   - Just kept to reading and documentary style TV
- What am I grateful for today?
   - For getting some of the garage cleaned
- Day counter!
   - 32

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #64 on: November 29, 2017, 11:45:14 PM »
Not so much going on today. I did start reading ‘The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions’ to begin dealing with some of these issues of being too hard on myself. I’m only through the introduction, so nothing to report so far.

- Did I use porn today?
   - Nope
- What were my triggers?
   - Nothing really. Easy day.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
   - Cannabis (legal state here)
- What am I grateful for today?
   - Being productive (work done early and cleaned house and re-hung some rain chains to work a little better).
- Day counter!
   - 33

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #65 on: December 02, 2017, 01:49:42 AM »
Back to an easy day today. Not much going on and was easy to stay on track.

- Did I use porn today?
  - No
- What were my triggers?
  - Nothing
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
  - I'm reading a book on self-compassion.
- What am I grateful for today?
  - Support from other addicts. For a weekend!
- Day counter!
  - 35

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #66 on: December 04, 2017, 01:01:20 AM »
A busy day today. I did not have really any time away from people and that was good to keep me from my vices. I kept away from the alcohol today and that was good.

- Did I use porn today?
  - No
- What were my triggers?
  - Nothing much.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
  - Read and watched a new episode of my favorite TV show.
- What am I grateful for today?
  - Friends and community.
- Day counter!
  - 37

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #67 on: December 04, 2017, 11:33:49 PM »
Another pretty easy day today. I stayed social and worked hard. Side-projects to keep me busy through the day and still working my way through a good book on self-compassion.

- Did I use porn today?
   - No
- What were my triggers?
   - I saw a person wearing tights this weekend and I had some fantasies about my wife wearing some too.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
   - I told her about these thoughts.
- What am I grateful for today?
   - For acceptance when I tell her about my triggers.
- Day counter!
   - 38

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #68 on: December 06, 2017, 12:15:27 AM »
Today was busy busy busy. Good though. Dogs woke me up early (5:30am), so I got to sit around for a while in the house while everyone else was asleep. Usually this would be tough. It did not feel like it was going to be, but I decided to be conservative anyway and just read from a paper book (how old fashioned!) so that I could stay away from the screens. Just me and paper. It was delightful and relaxing. So glad to have made that decision.

- Did I use porn today?
  - No
- What were my triggers?
  - Being alone -- though I was not super triggered, I just could have been.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
  - Reading and tea
- What am I grateful for today?
  - Being productive with my time!
- Day counter!
  - 39

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #69 on: December 07, 2017, 12:33:11 AM »
Today was a good day. I worked from the local coffee shop for a while during the lunch hour so that I would not be home alone while my wife was out getting a haircut. I find an occasional stop at the coffee shop for work increases my productivity. Something about the mild buzz of activity plus the caffeine and I can get a lot done. Otherwise, just a good day of being productive and getting ready to go on the road for a trip this weekend.

- Did I use porn today?
   - No
- What were my triggers?
   - Nothing
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
   - Meditation based on this book today:  “The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions” by Christopher K. Germer. Just the first one, which is only an awareness of the body meditation for 5 minutes. There are a few at the beginning of the book which are just a lead up to more focused meditations later. I’ve read through most of the book now, but had not been doing the exercises. I started that today.
- What am I grateful for today?
   - My wonderful wife for sticking with me through this.
- Day counter!
   - 40 (woot!)

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #70 on: December 08, 2017, 11:12:29 PM »
Travelled to Dallas for the weekend. So far no real triggers to this trip. Just being busy and socializing, which is good.

- Did I use porn today?
   - No
- What were my triggers?
   - Travel. There are usually triggers with seeing women in tights, but today nothing really did that to me. It was a nice relief.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
   - Journaling.
- What am I grateful for today?
   - My wife as a travel partner. We get along very well when we travel and I’m super grateful for that.
- Day counter!
   - 42 (answer to the life, universe, and everything -- so I hear)

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #71 on: December 09, 2017, 10:50:20 PM »
Whew. Drank some this evening and feeling pretty buzzed. I’m doing well on my trip to Dallas. So far, just some good healthy social interaction. I’ve branched out to leave my wife in the bar with friends and I’m up in the hotel room where I could easily surf or PMO. I’m not doing it though. I’m not feeling strong urges while I’m here this weekend at all and it feels great.

- Did I use porn today?
   - No.
- What were my triggers?
   - Nothing much. There is a cheerleading convention going on here which may have been an issue, but all these folks are super young and that is not a trigger for me at all.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
   - I journaled and sat by myself in the hotel room for an hour or so.
- What am I grateful for today?
   - Friends and family.
- Day counter!
   - 43

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #72 on: December 10, 2017, 10:30:45 PM »
Short entry today. I’m traveling and just doing a short update while folks are hanging out in our hotel room.

- Did I use porn today?
   - No
- What were my triggers?
   - Nothing really, but I did get bored today and install Instagram and Reddit on my phone again. I hope it is not a mistake as they are both gateway drugs for me. But I miss them both so I’m giving it a shot.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
   - Drinking wine. ;)
- What am I grateful for today?
   - Friends and family. This seems to be a theme.
- Day counter!
   - 44

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #73 on: December 11, 2017, 07:14:33 PM »
Tough day today. I had urges and I’m exhausted socially. Last night I needed some introvert time and decided that Instagram and Reddit were just the thing to reinstall on my phone. That was my brain playing tricks on me in anticipation of being weak today. Thankfully, in my shared journal with my wife I mentioned this and we talked about it last night and agreed it was a mistake and I removed them today. That was the only thing that saved me from relapse today. Whew! Close call.

- Did I use porn today?
   - No.
- What were my triggers?
   - Too much social activity and drinking this weekend. Need to recharge introvert batteries.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
   - Talked to my wife and listened to her advice.
- What am I grateful for today?
   - Great advice and support from my wife.
- Day counter!
   - 45

alongtheriver

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Re: Aiming for Honesty and Consistency
« Reply #74 on: December 13, 2017, 11:56:26 PM »
Whew. Back from my travels and at work again today. It was a super tough day to get a bunch of work done, but not crazy hard to stay off the porn, which was nice. Just gotta keep to routine, stay busy, and stay around other people. Tough for an introvert on a day like today, but it is better than a relapse! Over my trip, I downloaded the meditations from the Neff self-compassion site and will be walking myself through one in the morning to start that. I hope to get something out of taking it easier on myself. It definitely seems to be part of what is going on with me and addictions.

- Did I use porn today?
   - No
- What were my triggers?
   - Being exhausted and introverted.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
   - By watching a movie tonight and just accepting that feeling overwhelmed right now is natural.
- What am I grateful for today?
   - A quiet and clean house.
- Day counter!
   - 47