Aiming for Honesty and Consistency

My story begins at around age 10. I found my dad?s stash of magazines and must have been too obvious in how I was looking at them because he caught me. We *did not* talk about it. Instead he (in my memory, anyway), said I needed to stay away from his, but then asked if I wanted my own. I said yes and he drove me to the convenience store and bought me my first adult mag. I was not excited, but rather full of embarrassment and shame. I?ve never felt good about my porn usage my entire life. I used that and fantasized about girls in school, etc. a ton. I indulged in voyeuristic tendencies and used it for masturbation fodder.

Then, in the 90s came in the internet and I immediately began using it to find porn. First it was slow and a single photo took a while to obtain, but then after some time I got faster and faster internet and I was on there all the time. The free video sites were a killer. I just could not stop. I never did spend money on it though. I?m thankful for that.

During this whole time I was riddled with anxiety. I was this way from an early age. I?m also introverted and the combination of anxiety, porn, and introversion kept me in the house inactive for many years. I did have a reasonable social life and some volunteer work and jobs, so I wasn?t a total shut in, but I sure could have been and wanted to be. And if I could at all get away with staying in and using porn, I did.

Over 15 years ago I met my wife and I?m so lucky and thankful to have her in my life. We?ve been together though some tough times over the years, but dealing with this addiction is one of the worst. She says she is staying by me even while knowing about it, but it is killing her to know how much different the majority of our lives together could have been without it. She?s only found out the intensity and longstanding issue I?ve had for the past 3 years. During that time I?ve ready a bunch on this stuff via Your Brain on Porn and the subreddit nofap.

I also went to therapy for over a year with a focus on this and made some decent progress for a while.  However, eventually I began lying to them about relapses and smaller issues which spiraled out of control to full on usage again. During this time I edged mostly and saved myself for my wife. I really do love her and did not want to deprive her of sexual activity and if I just orgasmed all the time outside of our relations, then it would dwindle down to nothing. I had convinced myself that edging was the solution to this thing even though I knew the science and how wrong that was. I can?t even get into all the details about how this has fucked up the trust we have on so many levels. I?m deeply ashamed of this and can only get by from day to day by avoiding thinking about how bad it really is. She is an amazing woman and doesn?t deserve this. I feel like a monster.

Today I?m on day 3 of a reboot.
- Did I use porn today?
- I?ve not used porn today
- What were my triggers?
- Website ads with women
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
- I put down the computer and picked up a book (Kindle, but still)
- What am I grateful for today?
- My wife and family
- Day counter!
- Day 3

Welcome ALR
You're doing good. Please read the blogs here to gain more insight.
But the best thing you can do for yourself is
1. Write here everyday.
2. Practice meditation
3. Sleep early
4. Less or no alone time
5. Browser or DNS blockers
6. Keep busy

Cheers!

Day 4.

I appreciate the response and tips. I'm reading here and there on here to get an idea of how others are dealing. It is reassuring.

Here's my post for the day, though I plan on checking in at the end of the day too to round out and be able to update the counter if I'm still successful.

Last night had sex. Not getting into details, other than it was a healthy interaction. I'm aware of the 'chaser' effect and will be watching out for the next three days.

I work from home and the family is going out today, so rather than stay home which would be a trigger I'm going to a coffee shop so I can be around other people during that time.

#2 resonates. I used to have a meditation practice and it did increase self-control. I should get back into that.

I'm curious about the browser blockers. I'm running on MacOS. Any tips?

So far so good today.

Day 5

Yesterday was a good day and fairly easy until we went out for drinks later in the evening. It being Halloween there were a couple folks in costume and one had a short skirt and tights, the later being a major trigger for me. When we got home I stayed in someone's presence the whole time to have some accountability and that worked. I'm sad that it was so difficult though. Here we go for another day. Feeling depressed.

Be strong, man. Feeling bad is normal in your situation. It will pas eventually. Remember: the night is the most dark before the sun goes up.

The encouragement does help, thanks!

Five good days into a reboot is nothing to sneeze at! That's almost exactly where I am with mine (and I've been to this point quite a few times, much to my chagrin). I think the first 5 to 10 days are the hardest. After that, new, healthier habits begin to take hold. I understand you're depressed, but also look at your great success so far!

I am in the same situation that you are in. I am married and have a sexual relationship with my wife and I still relapse. Then I feel horrible about myself. How it starts for me; I don't ever sit around and just think of porn. It always starts with me seeing a girl dressed provocatively and that triggers me big time. It could be on TV, out and about, computer adds whatever. So the porn for me is just the end result. The beginning is that first dopamine rush I get from that first look. My brain craves that rush and when I deprive my brain of that rush it attacks me. I just read and article on YBOP,  I have read before, but got something new this time from it. About half way through the article he says, "embrace your withdrawals don't run from them, this is a key thing to do, embrace them and view them as progress, not going to lie to you they are brutal but they go away within the 90 days". 
LINK: https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/age-52-lots-benefits-i-have-nothing-against-saa-it-just-didnt-work-me
I also have to keep telling myself that the brutal feelings/cravings always stop. They won't last forever. But if we can fight it the benefits with last forever.
Peace fellow warrior

Damn right. My worst withdrawal symptom is bad sleep and terrible nightmares. Sometimes I even sleep with the lights on. But I tell myself - this means that evil comes out of me... and I feel better.

Embrace the withdrawls... I like it. Today they went from depression this morning to irritation this afternoon. It could have been too much caffeine, but I'm just irritated and on edge. The idea of embracing that is helping somewhat. Thanks! And thanks y'all for the encouragement. It is making a huge difference knowing that there are people I can talk to about this. I've hidden it from everyone but my wife so far in my life. This is a huge relief.

Friends,
In my path to recovery, I've come to learn 2 important lessons:
1. Dont label the emotions.
Feel and ride them as they are. Giving names only prolong the experience and changes it to associate with whatever that name represents

2 you can brain wash yourself into believing something else.
Mantra chanting like
"I feel good"
"I'm the best"
"I'm great"
Over and over will eventually drown out the noise.

When in doubt, walk it out.

TakeActionNow said:

2 you can brain wash yourself into believing something else.
Mantra chanting like
"I feel good"
"I'm the best"
"I'm great"
Over and over will eventually drown out the noise.

Click to expand...

I call this fake it till you make it. Thanks for the reminder!

TakeActionNow said:

When in doubt, walk it out.

Click to expand...

I really like this, thanks!

Sounds like you are fighting the good fight every day! It's great that you're open to the ideas of others. Not all advice will help, because we are all different. So take the stuff that resonates with you and don't worry about the rest. What's today-- day 6? That's amazing!

Day 6

Today was a bit of a tough day. I found myself agitated and annoyed and didn't want to be near anyone. Even the dogs wanting to sit next to me was off-putting for some reason. I also found myself lacking resilience in dealing with work stressors. I was annoyed at little things and then if I found I made a mistake I felt deeply disappointed in my work. All of it was off-balance in some way. Also overly emotional in some circumstances. All kind of disorientating to a degree. Not fun and I hope some of the balance is restored tomorrow so that traveling can be smooth. We'll see.

I also installed a porn blocker today on my computer (K9). I got it all setup and then went to test it out and found that it totally failed! I typed in a website (not sure of protocol here, leaving out the specific URL because I don't want to trigger anything) and it totally loaded right up. I closed it super quickly, but was pissed that I triggered myself when testing something that was supposed to support. Anyone have a recommendation?

Still... 6 days seems pretty good. I'm glad for the counter to go up!

ATR,
Double your protection by chnaging the. Dns on your router

https://www.opendns.com/setupguide/#familyshield
Its
208.67.222.123
208.67.220.123.

Also if you're using chrome, you can add a bunch of plug in and add the address yourself

For emotional management, try this:
1. 5 why
Deep logical inquiry why you are upset.
Rationalize if it is meaningful to remain this way.

2. Non labelling experience.
Sit and experience the emotional wave without words or labels. Ride its high and feel it's subsiding.
Learn that emotions are impermanent.

3 recognize that emotions are not your enemy. They serve to energize you in preparation for some event they perceive to be true. Now, it is your logical mind that is trying to figure out what is the reason.
If you cannot figure out the reason, channel that energy into creative constructive work.
Go for a walk or run
Mow the lawn
Do something that will eventually make you feel achievement.
It is simply energy arising

Today is day 8.

I won't have time for longer posts or replies today, but I wanted to get this out for my journal at the very least.

Yesterday, day 7, was mildly more difficult. I traveled to Vegas and because people watching is a big trigger for me, I knew going in that this could be trouble. The flight was fine. I was feeling good through that. Then the daytime was OK as well, but once the sun went down folks started dressing more revealing and the servers all had short skirts and tights on which is my major trigger. That was tough for a little while, but then during the day before my wife had been browsing on here (she's looking for a forum where she can get some partner support) and mentioned a thread on here where someone else had said that one way to deal with the people watching as a trigger is to try viewing each one as a woman would. This I found a profound change from otherwise. Instead of seeing tights and that causing desire, I was looking at how hard they were working, how tired they looked, etc. Must be a tough job, right? Suddenly instead of feeling triggered I was feeling empathy for women on serving positions in Vegas and how exhausting and annoying it must be to be around someone like myself. What I jerk I've been in the past (not anything but staring too much, but still). Anyway, I'm feeling some significant relief and less worry about the rest of my time here as a result of this realization.

Great insight about the casino servers, river. I lived in Reno for 30 years so I know what you're talking about. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself if you sometimes slip and see them as sex objects (after all, that's the casino owner's whole idea) but maybe this new insight of yours can reign you in when needed. Sounds like you are doing great in Vegas so far!

Thanks, getagrip, I appreciate the encouragement!

Day 9

I made it through yesterday by being around other people the entire day. Totally worked, but kind of exhausting for an introvert. Still, it is working.

Relapsed in my dreams last night and also had some anxiety inducing dreams about public speaking related activities. I'm off today as a result, for sure. My goal is just to get through the day because this is the exact state I'm in when I give up. Just need to get through the day... I just keep saying that to myself. Here we go!