Author Topic: PhD student strugling with life  (Read 1376 times)

klm5000

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Re: PhD student strugling with life
« Reply #25 on: October 19, 2017, 09:37:54 AM »
DAY 23

Making good progress, today I felt energetic and ok. And keeping myself busy... Will get back with more elaborate update later!

Regards
We are amazingly lucky to be alive: more than 99% of all creatures that ever existed died without offspring. But none of our ancenters (all the way to the first living things) where amongst them ... Lets make full use of that!

klm5000

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Re: PhD student strugling with life
« Reply #26 on: October 25, 2017, 02:00:06 AM »
DAY 29

Allrighty! I am doing well I guess. Last couple of days it feels like i'm in a flatline; no mw, no libido whatsoever, but most of the times also nog cravings. However, we the cravings do hit they are very strong. This is really a very dangerous period: I feel good in general, hardly have any cravings or fantasies, but when they do hit they hit hard. I have been here before, I know I have to stay especially vigilant. I read this on other people's journals as well; just as you think you're managing to overcome this cravings hit out of nowhere and you're set back. I will try not to let that happen this time! It really helps to go to work early, and try to keep busy with other appointments in the evenings. It is just easier when you're around people. The times that it gets really hard is when I am home, alone. I will try to avoid that as much as possible.

As far as my mental state goes, I am still feeling lethargic most of the time, although there are good days as well. Yesterday I was working on a problem with a student I supervise and I just couldn't think straight (enough). Really frustrating. But there are good days as well and I am starting to get some ideas/creativity back, slowly. I am still learning to play the guitar, and I try to fill my free time alone at home with that. I have to stay strong!

Regards
We are amazingly lucky to be alive: more than 99% of all creatures that ever existed died without offspring. But none of our ancenters (all the way to the first living things) where amongst them ... Lets make full use of that!

klm5000

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Re: PhD student strugling with life
« Reply #27 on: November 02, 2017, 09:30:24 AM »
DAY 37

Ok I am posting way too little here on this forum! Apologies. To myself and whomever might be following my struggle. Good news is that I am at day 37 as you can read of my header. Bad news is that I am slowly starting to loosen the ties. That is I am prcrastinating way too much, in particular today and yesterday. The kind of behavior that used to spill into P use; playing online chess (I know it sounds unrelated but chess blitz games can give you some kind of high...), watching/playing videogames, not playing my guitar (which would give me way more satisfaction), not working well, generally filling my days with emptiness. I have been far too lenient towards my goals. I could hear myself saying: "your main goal is to get off P, it won't hurt to ease your feelings with some online chess playing, it is CHESS after all!!" or, "it is ok to fantasize about her, you have actually met her in person and she was flirtagious, so this is a real world interaction, and a sign of your improved libido". Those are I'll posed reasoning, as they will inevitably lead to relapse. I have the feeling that you should be completely 'cured', and then continue for annother half year of rebooting or so, before it is save to even start thinking about sex again. And then of course only with real persons ...

As far as my mood goes, I am feeling really sullen and flat lately. I guess I am in a major flatline period, which is good to some extent, as it is the start of real progress, but is also very hard to deal with. I have had major cravings the last couple of days and sometimes I allowed myself some fantasizing about girls I met (no 'real' artificial stimulation though, ie no pixels whatsover, fortunately), which means I did not stick to my goals. In fact I feel really bad after a day of procrastinating and this feeling is actually a major trigger. I need to stay away from this. On top of all that, my girlfriend is (obviously) noting my lack of motivation and general happiness (and libido) and this is affecting our relationship. We decided to not see each other for a short period of time, during which I will probably stay with my parents or in the guest room. My flatline feeling is so bad that I sometimes don't even feel that I love her anymore.. But I know I do and I just have to get past this miserable stage. I have no idea how long this is going to take, but I am still determined to ride it out. In fact, now writing this I realize that this bad feeling should be all the more motivation to keep up. Apparently this is what it has done to me, and it is a stark reminder (if we need any) that my body and mind were really hooked. So I will try to stick to my goals for the coming days. And keep posting! This thread does sort of function as my lifeline in this period ...

Regards
We are amazingly lucky to be alive: more than 99% of all creatures that ever existed died without offspring. But none of our ancenters (all the way to the first living things) where amongst them ... Lets make full use of that!

andante

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Re: PhD student strugling with life
« Reply #28 on: November 03, 2017, 07:32:47 AM »
Hey man! Don't despair! It's part of the reboot process, ups and downs! Now that you have assessed your problems and feelings; I see something missing from your last post: SOLUTIONS!! I saw in some previous posts you would think about what to do to get you out of that dark place, make a list (that does not include playing chess online!), go out, see some people, breathe some fresh air etc. You can do this, you're just at a low point in the reboot but it's normal, ups and downs are normal :) Good luck, you're not alone.



klm5000

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Re: PhD student strugling with life
« Reply #29 on: November 06, 2017, 07:47:17 AM »
DAY 41

Hi Vince, thank you! You're right, I should not only focus on that negative feeling. In fact, I am feeling better at the moment; I had a really nice weekend with colleagues, which turned out to be 'the solution'. That it wat it is then: interaction with friends and other people! I really think it is that 'simple'. Get my ass from behind my computer and go out, meet friends, or take a walk. Lets reiterate some of my previous solutions.

-call/meet a friend
-call my parents (nice to talk to them sometimes as well ..
-work (during weekdays), in my office
-if I really need to stay at home: clean the house, play the guitar, or post here!

Right now my mood is high. At least I feel motivated to do stuff. So, lets go! I am out :).

Regards
We are amazingly lucky to be alive: more than 99% of all creatures that ever existed died without offspring. But none of our ancenters (all the way to the first living things) where amongst them ... Lets make full use of that!

andante

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Re: PhD student strugling with life
« Reply #30 on: November 06, 2017, 08:02:08 AM »
Glad to be reading this, keep it up  ;D



klm5000

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Re: PhD student strugling with life
« Reply #31 on: November 13, 2017, 06:03:23 AM »
DAY 48

Allright, I am still hanging in here. Current status is still PMO free. I have been up to some really good days, and some bad ones. Somehow, the (really) bad ones seem to always follow a streak of good days. Example. I had a weekend with my colleagues, which was huge fun, but then immediately the day after I felt empty, depleted and not motivated to do anything. Moreover, the urges were really bad at that time. Did anyone experience this effect before? ie that after having a very nice time you end up in sort of a 'black hole' were motivation is hard to find? Maybe it is just a continuation of the flatline, which was interrupted briefly by a nice experience.. As far as my goals go; I am sticking to the most important one: no PMO, but I am not managing to stick to my other goals (meditation, exercise). Worst of all, I didn't kick my chess habit whatsoever. I realize that I really must do this as probably the PMO goal gets easier if I would stick to my other goals as well ... So I will try to get this going as well. Luckily I will be very busy for the coming days, so its 'easy' to keep up good work then.

Regarding my overall mood, I do see a steady progression forward and upward. I am feeling overall happier than 4 weeks ago, but like I said, I still have bad days which are accompanied by strong cravings. These cravings occur less frequently, but when they do, they do not seem to have gotten any less strong. If anything, the contrary. Moreover, my flatline feeling is not gone yet and I still have trouble concentrating at work from time to time. I guess this is all part of the progress, and I am trying to experience it as such. In fact, I have learned that it is helpfull to not only acknowledge a bad feeling, or a craving, but to actually relish in it. This sounds weird, but when you realize that this bad feeling (or flatline) is something that you must go through in order to kick the habit, it might actually feel good. You might be thinking: "great, I am in the flatline, I know that I must go through this and that after it there will be a happier life". The bad feelings are part of your brain healing. Maybe a reasonable analogy would be a wound healing; you can get fever from the healing process and feel bad as a result, but in the end, this is your body increasing its temperature because it is fighting the infection; and as such the fever is healing you, and not hurting you. I am trying to look at the flatline and bad moods in a similar way, and found it can help me.

Allright enough talking for today, I am going to get to work!

Regards
We are amazingly lucky to be alive: more than 99% of all creatures that ever existed died without offspring. But none of our ancenters (all the way to the first living things) where amongst them ... Lets make full use of that!

klm5000

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Re: PhD student strugling with life
« Reply #32 on: December 07, 2017, 04:24:01 AM »
DAY 72

Still P free! I MO'd twice since my last post, but nothing crazy and definitely not something out of control. A lot has happened since late. I'll start with an update regarding my personal life. I am still in a relationship, but it is a struggle, initially because I was just flat (from the rebooting process I guess), but afterwards also because I fell in love with a colleague. Very strange, it just happened. And it was a very intense feeling. Only problem is that we are both in a relationship and therefore we did not pursue the issue any further (we decided yesterday), which is probably also the reason that I am posting right now, because I feel a little hartbroken (which is nuts, as I am in a loving relationship with my girlfriend), and that can be a trigger. Why am I writing this? This isn't a psychology forum after all ;). I think it is relevant for my rebooting process, especially the falling in love part. It showed me that my brain is now capable of getting a massive high, from annother person; which definitely wasn't possible before. So yes, I guess that this is very good news! I also seldom think of P anymore. But, as it stands now, I know that this might return in the coming days, as I am coming down from being in love with that colleague (to be concrete: we decided literally that I move to annother building, and that we will not see eachother again, basically for ever). Therefore, I must be extra vigilant during the coming days, and I will try to keep posting regularly.

All in all, good news that my ability to feel is returning, and bad news that I am in a bit of a relationship pickle. As far as progress in my PhD goes; it has been literally non-existent in the last few weeks, due to this love affair. But that really cannot bother me at the moment, as I feel that I am growing as a person. So yeah, I am doing well, all things considered.

Regards
We are amazingly lucky to be alive: more than 99% of all creatures that ever existed died without offspring. But none of our ancenters (all the way to the first living things) where amongst them ... Lets make full use of that!