My "Hard 90" Journal

Where to begin? I stumbled across this website about a month ago after finding an article on porn addiction. I have struggled with porn and sex all of my adult life and a lot of what I have read on this site has hit home with me. I have had several half-hearted attempts to control the negative aspects of my porn and sex use, with limited success. I have been able to string several short periods together where I feel more positive about who I am and the role porn/sex has in my life. Inevitably I seem to relapse and find myself repeating the same old behaviours and adding some new ones.

Some Background

I'm in my mid-forties and married to a beautiful woman, with three kids. I have a professional career and many people would probably say I've done quite well for myself. We have a nice house and a decent standard of living. Porn and sex, however, has been a weight around my neck for a very long time. Like many, I started as a teenager with magazines - I loved the sight of a naked woman. I think I saw my first XXX movie around the age of 15, was mesmerized, and thought "They are actually doing it! They're not faking that".

My porn use evolved with the internet as I'm sure many can relate to. I no longer had to make a periodic late night trip to the adult video store to get a fix; porn was available at any time with relative ease. My wife was initially very upset when she became aware of my porn use early in our marriage, which caused many fights. She couldn't understand it and I resented her for being ignorant and controlling. The advent of internet porn and all that goes with it was like gasoline on a fire for me. Porn movies, forums for every taste, amateur porn, chat apps, etc. With mobile phone technology, porn use became easier to access and easier to hide (it's easier to take a phone into the bathroom than a laptop).

I should also mention that I'm a sober alcoholic. I quit drinking twenty years ago. I find the parallels between alcoholism and porn addiction to be astonishingly similar actually and I understand that it is not uncommon for an addict to replace one vice with another. I also don't think it's a coincidence the role that dopamine plays in the brain's reward system with both alcohol and porn use.

Where I'm At

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the depression, the anxiety, the brain fog, the desire to be alone, the isolation, the confusion and the stress. I don't like the person I've become. I am not focused on my job or my family as much as I should be. I stress about being discovered (and have been several times, but won't go into that here). I don't like that I can't let my kids see my phone. I don't like that what I do behind my wife's back is dishonest. I don't like that I've got to the place where I can spend three hours masturbating in a washroom and not know where the time went. I like to think that I have values of honesty and integrity, with the one glaring exception being my porn and sex use. I seem to be able to justify crossing all sorts of boundaries and not being true to my values when it comes to porn and sex.

A lot of what I read here resonated with me. In particular William's thread "Hello Gentlemen. Now we begin" really hit home and explained things in a way that finally made sense to me. Thank you William for your broadcasts to the "occupied territories". When I first discovered this forum I cleaned my phone and made a serious attempt to stay clean. I lasted for about 21 days and then fully relapsed. I'm now back where I want to make another attempt. I don't want to be one of the serial relapsers that can only go 2-3 weeks and never makes a commitment to long-lasting change. My commitment to myself is to create a profile here, do the "Hard 90" and check in and post here every day.

Thanks for reading.

TK-421

Welcome TK

I'll be interested in your progress. The challenge is all too real for so many of us but there are plenty of tools and support to help us stay on the right path. I've felt just as you describe for a very long time and am finally fed up with living in the shadows. This thing forces us to confront our reality in an extremely visceral way. The only way out is in. All the best to you.

Day 2

I am taking off my chains and walking in the direction of the free men on the other side. Porn, you have been a seductive mistress, but I don't want you in my life anymore.

I want to use some of the same strategies I used before when quitting drinking and smoking.  One day at a time and avoiding relapsing triggers. In my previous attempts at addressing my porn and sex issues, I think I have held on to certain behaviours or made excuses. I have used porn substitutes and I want to be aware of the slippery slope of porn addiction. It is easy to start with looking at someone's sexy photos on Facebook and then moving to softcore porn, then hardcore, then full relapse. I also need to understand that porn use is not something I can control. Once I give myself that unnatural dopamine rush, I will ALWAYS want more. It is easy to make excuses that everyone uses porn, that it is acceptable, it is erotic, that it can even enhance my sex life with my wife.  Some of these may be true. I also know that I cannot control my actions once I start. Similar to alcohol, if I take that first drink I am off on a spree. 

Over the last months I have spent a lot of time thinking about the effects porn use has on me. Mild depression, anti-social behaviour, poor memory, lack of focus, negativity. I have been very unhappy in my job for some time. I do not know for sure what causes what, but I do want to eliminate porn from my life for at least 90 days.  I suspect it is the cause of what ails me and not the other way around and I want to find out.

Boo said:

Welcome TK

I'll be interested in your progress. The challenge is all too real for so many of us but there are plenty of tools and support to help us stay on the right path. I've felt just as you describe for a very long time and am finally fed up with living in the shadows. This thing forces us to confront our reality in an extremely visceral way. The only way out is in. All the best to you.

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Thanks Boo. Comments, feedback and support are definitely welcome.

Day 3

I'm taking my chains off and walking towards the free men on the other side. I no longer want to be a slave to porn and masturbation.

I have noticed that for a lot of the guys on here, one of the downsides to their porn use was that it took the place of real sex with their partners.  For me, I found that I still had a high desire for sex with my wife. I could jerk off 2 or 3 times in a day and still want sex with my wife. In many ways this was a justification for me, because in my mind I was still available for my wife.

About 6 or 7 years ago my porn and unhealthy sexual activities took me to another online program. It was a program that emphasizes development of your values and a vision for your life, etc. These were helpful lessons, but ultimately unsuccessful because I don't think the root cause of our problems is a "values" issue.  Sure, our porn use causes all sorts of conflicts with our values - the lies, the secrecy, the lack of integrity. I always resisted framing porn use as a morality issue (i.e. that porn in and of itself is immoral).  Just the opposite for me, I loved it and it felt good.  Thanks to others on here and to Gary Wilson, I now understand that it is a brain chemistry issue. I am a dopamine addict.  I love the rush that porn gives me through the dopamine blast. However, I can't control it.  Porn controls me if I let it.  If I let it in, my brain loves and craves the dopamine. No more.  I will no longer be a slave to porn and its artificial dopamine rush. I'm taking my chains off.

Day 4

I am addicted to porn. More accurately, I am addicted to the dopamine rush that porn gives me. I have made several attempts over the last 10 years to give up porn and lead a more "moral" life. I understand now, that I did not have all of the information. I understand now that porn is just the way that I have highjacked the reward system of my brain. I need to stop pushing the button so that my brain can rewire.

I am not here to work on becoming a better person. I am not here to learn how to be happier. I am not here to understand why I love porn so much or if something happened to me when I was a child that caused me to seek out porn. I'm not here to figure out if I am a pervert. My sole purpose and focus is to quit using porn.  On my previous attempts, I think I wanted to use less or control it.  I wanted to justify certain aspects of it. As time went by, I forgot why I wanted to quit and went back to it.  I either forgot about all the negatives of my porn use or they became less important.  My addicted brain rationalized. It told me that a bit of porn was ok. Or it looked for porn substitutes to give me that rush - a sexy photo on Facebook, a pornographic fantasy when I was intimate with my wife. I do not want to give porn any space in my life. It is cunning and deceptive. If I am not vigilant, I can find myself in total relapse in 15 minutes.  Right now, a lustful stare at an attractive woman can lead to Google image searches, softcore porn, then hardcore, then chats, then a whole day jerking off. Rinse and repeat. I'm done. I don't want it anymore.

I do know that in the early days I need to be vigilant.  Facebook and girls in the street are triggers. Being tired, bored or lonely are dangerous for me.

It is easy to forget about the negatives of porn use and start to think about how good it feels. It's a lie though. I know that.  I'm walking towards the men who are free. I'm leaving behind porn. It is no longer my master.

Strength to anyone who is reading this and struggling.

Day 5

I am at home alone as I write this journal entry.  Normally, this would have been prime time to have a quick jerk off session. To be honest, I don't want to. I don't want to be overconfident, but still my resolve is high. I want to be done with the endless cycles of using and then feeling confused, helpless and depressed.  I'm embracing the withdrawals, because I know it is a sign of my brain rewiring. I don't want porn in my life anymore. We've broken up. She kept lying to me and for years I wanted to believe her lies. I've become enlightened now, thanks to the free men on the other side who have shown the path for the rest of us who were/are still fucking around with porn and all of its lies.

BTW, if anyone has feedback, questions, suggestions, etc. feel free to add them. I'm a newbie to this forum so not sure what the custom is for commenting on other guys' journals. Personally, I would welcome it.

Thanks all. Stay strong.

I think your intro and subsequent posts have set your journal up fairly well. You seem to have the resolve you need. The question would be " can you stick and stay?" Time will tell.

Your journal here is really whatever you want it to be. It can be a catalog of struggle or success, but may be a mixture of both. I'm an old "hand" (pun intentional) at being a porn addict. Many unsuccessful reboots. Best streak was 53 days. This time things are different for me. I've written what I believe to be some fairly decent posts around the forums so far. You may be interested..... maybe not.

I see you haven't posted anywhere else yet. That's fine. Sometimes though, you might have a valuable insight to share to a fellow member who's struggling. We often help ourselves in the process of reading and responding to others. It's all about clarifying and formulating a new mindset. We all have to figure out what works and sometimes that comes about by combining what we learn from the insights of others with we already know intuitively is "right" for us.

If you truly want success, it's going to come in large part by mastering your psychology and figuring out how to really make porn lose it's "savor". We really have to become different people in order to do battle with something that preys on an essential part of our being. The only way out is "in".

P.S.  I would quit Facebook. It's at least nonsense and at most overtly narcissistic. A complete waste of time for a serious person. Pretty much all social media.

Day 6

Busy today with a bunch of activities, so just a quick check in to keep up with my commitment to post everyday.

PS: Boo, I did post on some other threads today. Good point, although part of me felt like I should have a bit more time in.

TK-421 said:

Day 6

Busy today with a bunch of activities, so just a quick check in to keep up with my commitment to post everyday.

PS: Boo, I did post on some other threads today. Good point, although part of me felt like I should have a bit more time in.

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I understand. You want to be credible. I agree in that it's hard to take advice from someone who refuses to take their own advice. You see that a lot on these forums. Lots of guys fooling themselves. I think something is worth saying if you can say it with integrity. A lot of times when we say stuff we're really saying it to ourselves primarily, even though it may be put forth as helpful advice. It's just the nature of how things are communicated around here.

I'm usually more interested in what someone has to say if they've made it over 30 days. If that happens they are usually onto something that's working. I can put together 2 week streaks in perpetuity. I've been down that road for far too long. Things are different now because I've stopped intellectualizing my approach. I'm changing my heart. Porn is losing it's savor. I'll still do my best to post worthy remarks to guys I have rapport with no matter where they're at on the path. It's a struggle I know. It's just tough to see some guys amplify the struggle and make it BIG in their daily existence. If they don't care much for what I say, I hope, as I've said, that they start taking their own advice.

You had stated more than once in your posts that you "love porn". I may have at one time but that was a long time ago. I hate porn. And I hate myself if I use it. But that's me. I've done my due diligence and have a thorough understanding of this "modern, sophisticated, enlightened" industry. It's a f**king sham. It enriches some but destroys most. I don't want it any more in my life than if I would want to smoke crack.

I found some of your comments interesting about not wanting to be here to become happier or a better person, etc. etc. In my mind, those are some of the results that quitting PMO brings about. Sooo, you may get more from this than you bargain for, IF, you can stick and stay. Best regards.

Boo said:

You had stated more than once in your posts that you "love porn". I may have at one time but that was a long time ago. I hate porn. And I hate myself if I use it. But that's me. I've done my due diligence and have a thorough understanding of this "modern, sophisticated, enlightened" industry. It's a f**king sham. It enriches some but destroys most. I don't want it any more in my life than if I would want to smoke crack.

I found some of your comments interesting about not wanting to be here to become happier or a better person, etc. etc. In my mind, those are some of the results that quitting PMO brings about. Sooo, you may get more from this than you bargain for, IF, you can stick and stay. Best regards.

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I do love the feeling I get when I'm using porn. For me, that's the allure and the never-ending cycle. It's my brain reacting to the shot of dopamine. I don't think I've ever felt disgusted by porn in the moment of using. It's pleasurable and that's what makes it addictive. That's what makes it so easy to forget about all the negatives. That's why only once I come out of the drug induced high that I realize what I'm doing and feel so out of control. Near the bottom for me, I could find myself hiding in a private washroom at work for 3-4 hours, chatting and masturbating. I remember thinking that this is no different than a drug addict going for his fix.

I agree that I will most likely find happiness if I am able to continue the reboot. What I meant with my comments is that I need to emphasize the singularity of my purpose here, which is to quit using porn. I don't want to allow myself to become distracted by thinking about all the ways I can become a better person or the various paths to self-improvement. Do I think that some of these things will come? Absolutely. However, my focus and what needs all of my effort is my desire to break free from PMO addiction. 

Day 7

Monday morning. I need to be extra vigilant today. For some time now I have struggled with Mondays. My work can be very boring and solitary at times. I think that this is often reinforced for me, going back to being stuck in an office after the weekend.

Further to my last post, however I don't want my focus to be on what I don't like about my job or how I can improve things.  Is it something that is important for me to address at some point? Yes, absolutely. However during this early stage of my reboot I want to focus on my addiction to pornography and addressing that.

I'm definitely feeling the pull of the "Monday morning blues", though. My commitment to myself is to embrace these feelings as I allow my brain to rewire.  Perhaps I may be trudging, rather than walking at times, I continue to move towards the free men on the other side.

Welcome to the forum, I hope you will find this a healing place. I too, look forward to reading about your continued success. The man who thinks he can and the man who thinks he can't are both right. Take care brother.

We can do this!

Robert2.0 said:

Welcome to the forum, I hope you will find this a healing place. I too, look forward to reading about your continued success. The man who thinks he can and the man who thinks he can't are both right. Take care brother.

We can do this!

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Thanks Robert, I appreciate your comments.

Day 9

I'm addicted to porn and the dopamine rush that using gives me. I know that abusing porn and masturbation for many years has caused me to be hardwired to crave a hit of dopamine. I don't want to be a guy who can only string a few days or weeks together. I want to know what it feels like to be free of sexual compulsions and all that goes with it. Monday was definitely my toughest day so far. Loneliness and boredom are triggers for me and Monday at the office is definitely all that.  I haven't tracked it, but I'm sure that for some time Mondays have been unproductive days for me, with lots of porn use.

I am embracing the withdrawals, however. They are a sign of how fucked up my brain has become.  I want to be free of this addiction and my only way out is to suffer through withdrawals and the desire to have "one quick session".  I know that there is no such thing.  I can't control my use.  There is only "free" and "return to using".  I am choosing to be free today. I no longer want to be a slave.

I want to post about how easy it is to get on a slippery slope using porn-substitutes. Shortly after posting my daily update, I was reading a news story about OJ Simpson.  For some reason I became interested in reading about his trial on Wikipedia.  The embedded links on Wikipedia make it easy to follow a path like this: OJ Simpson - Robert Kardashian - Keeping up with the Kardashians - Kim Kardashian - Sex Tape - Comprehensive list of famous people with sex tapes.  I spent about 3 minutes looking at the list and reading about the various people before I realized what I was doing and stopped. It took less than 5 minutes. It's also a very easy way for me to slide right back in. In the past I would have looked for and watched the sex tapes of anyone who piqued my interest.

Lesson learned: Be aware of porn substitutes. In this case a mainstream news article was the start. I know that in this early reboot stage I have to be vigilant about how my brain will look for that dopamine hit. Celebrity sex tapes are titilating to someone like me. I need to avoid all porn and porn substitutes.

TK-421 said:

Lesson learned: Be aware of porn substitutes. In this case a mainstream news article was the start. I know that in this early reboot stage I have to be vigilant about how my brain will look for that dopamine hit. Celebrity sex tapes are titilating to someone like me. I need to avoid all porn and porn substitutes.

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If I got a penny each time I went from a harmless news article or facebook post to a hardcore fetish porn in few minutes, I would have been a millionaire!  It is very rare for me, specially once I started rebooting, to go directly to porn. Always some excuses like...let me see some pics on reddit, just SFW ones,...ah no harm in seeing women in yoga pants, I mean that is not fake, it is real... and before I know it, I am on the road to three hours of hardcore porn and masturbation!

So good that you noticed it and I hope you will be aware of it next time it happens!;-)

Boo said:

TK-421 said:

Day 6

Busy today with a bunch of activities, so just a quick check in to keep up with my commitment to post everyday.

PS: Boo, I did post on some other threads today. Good point, although part of me felt like I should have a bit more time in.

Click to expand...

I understand. You want to be credible. I agree in that it's hard to take advice from someone who refuses to take their own advice. You see that a lot on these forums. Lots of guys fooling themselves. I think something is worth saying if you can say it with integrity. A lot of times when we say stuff we're really saying it to ourselves primarily, even though it may be put forth as helpful advice. It's just the nature of how things are communicated around here.

I'm usually more interested in what someone has to say if they've made it over 30 days. If that happens they are usually onto something that's working. I can put together 2 week streaks in perpetuity. I've been down that road for far too long. Things are different now because I've stopped intellectualizing my approach. I'm changing my heart. Porn is losing it's savor. I'll still do my best to post worthy remarks to guys I have rapport with no matter where they're at on the path. It's a struggle I know. It's just tough to see some guys amplify the struggle and make it BIG in their daily existence. If they don't care much for what I say, I hope, as I've said, that they start taking their own advice.

You had stated more than once in your posts that you "love porn". I may have at one time but that was a long time ago. I hate porn. And I hate myself if I use it. But that's me. I've done my due diligence and have a thorough understanding of this "modern, sophisticated, enlightened" industry. It's a f**king sham. It enriches some but destroys most. I don't want it any more in my life than if I would want to smoke crack.

I found some of your comments interesting about not wanting to be here to become happier or a better person, etc. etc. In my mind, those are some of the results that quitting PMO brings about. Sooo, you may get more from this than you bargain for, IF, you can stick and stay. Best regards.

Click to expand...

Really great post.  I can identify with the love hate relationship with porn.  I knew it was a drag on me, I knew it wasn't good, but I couldn't help falling for the sales pitch, over and over.  Even though I've yet to make 30 days, I'm glad you still work with me.  I too was one of those 18-21 day guys, but learning about DeltaFosB helped me understand what was happening from a brain chemistry perspective.  I too loved porn and that in itself was troubling to me.  I'm wagering my love for my life long passion and the business I want to build around it is stronger than the allure for an artificial relationship with porn and its empty promises and lies.  Learn, Learn, Learn and as they say, "Knowledge is Power".

Hi TK,
After reading your post on the trail that leads one in. I share with you a post to myself for myself which might be of some use to you on this topic....

I need to be so vigilant when online. 

Not only what I look at but the vigilance needs to extend beyond what I am looking at, to the thoughts arising through my mind and more importantly my level of agitation excitement or discontent. Why am I online?

Am I online to browse some news articles or am I online in some kind of cravy mode? Searching from this to that in that endless dissatisfaction?  Sometimes it starts with one and through agitation or discontent leads to another but for sure when I am online with a mind that is agitated, excited or discontent... I AM NOT SAFE! No matter what I am looking at! Its just too easy to get drawn into finding a 'solution'.

So this is my commitment to myself is to become more aware of my own state of mind when online. Avoid long sessions. Have breaks and when I feel these negative minds arising thats my cue to take a break and still the mind.

Of course this may not be relevant to you TK we are all different but I share it anyway.

Cheers
FF