Author Topic: The Final Fed Up  (Read 56 times)

really_not_cool_man

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The Final Fed Up
« on: November 12, 2017, 08:32:29 PM »
This is my second attempt at reboot. I tried back in April but relapsed in May and am finally going to try again. Since I first discovered Internet porn circa 1996, those four weeks in April/May has been the longest I've gone without it. Even before Internet porn, I was a compulsive masturbator since age 13. I was first exposed to pornography at age 8 when I discovered my father's magazine and video collection. Add to this that I was raised in a Baptist household where my step father believed that even *thinking* about sex with a woman you aren't married to was a sin. That, I believe, is why I've never been able to deal with porn in a healthy way, but instead it was a chronic dirty secret that I always, to this very day, was ashamed, guilt-ridden, and embarrassed about.

I'm 44 now. I wish I could say that I had some big epiphany that brought me here, that I suddenly looked back on my life and realized how much time I had wasted, how much better things could have been had I just not ever used porn, etc. But I can't say that. If I'm honest with myself, I've known I was porn addict since the late 90s. I've chosen to live with intense self-hatred, being ashamed of my porn use, while completely aware of the damage it was causing in my life. There have been times when I wanted to quit, but was too weak and after a few days would cave to the desire. Along with my porn habit I also juggle substance abuse, severe depression, and social anxiety. It's difficult for me to keep them separated, to know what triggers what.

I've come to a point in my life where I fully comprehend that I, and only I, am responsible for my happiness, success and well being. My 44 years on this earth have not been happy ones, and I know that if I want the second 44 to be any different, that I have to make some changes. What's obvious to me now (and maybe this is that big epiphany) is that what I've done up to now has not worked, and I need to make better choices about what I do with my time.

Back in March a friend of mine commented that "it sounds like you don't love yourself" in a casual conversation about some trivial shortcomings at work. I was really beating myself up over nothing, but her comment was profound because I had up to that moment never, ever considered whether or not I loved myself. At that moment, I began asking myself what would such a thing look like? What does it mean to love ones-self? What I realized is that I don't put anyone that I love under the microscope that I put myself under. I am able to forgive my friends and family for all kinds of misdeeds and mistakes, but I was not able to forgive myself for my history substance and porn abuse. I decided then that from now on, I will try to treat myself like someone worthy of my love, which includes being able to forgive myself. That is what led to my first attempt at reboot.

I think I'll also just throw into this mix, even if it seems misplaced, that I'm going through a messy divorce that has been drug out for over a year, and that my ex has relocated herself and my six year old daughter 1700 miles away and I'm too poor to pursue legal action. I'm dealing with all kinds of heartbreak and mood swings. Marital problems were largely due to my substance and porn abuse, though I was still a great father to my daughter and I was a devoted, hard working family man.

I feel like I'm rambling so I will stop. I'll try to write more every day.


TrueMe

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Re: The Final Fed Up
« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2017, 04:34:08 AM »
Hi really not cool man, good to have you here and sorry to hear about everything you're going through. I hope you can get some local support to help you through it.

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what I've done up to now has not worked, and I need to make better choices about what I do with my time

It's amazing how something so seemingly obvious can be such a great epiphany when it really sinks in. Better choices are possible and you have everything within you that you need to make them.

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from now on, I will try to treat myself like someone worthy of my love, which includes being able to forgive myself

What would your life look like if you were someone worthy of love? That question can be the start of discovering what you really want in your lives and the day to day actions you can do to get there.

I admire your honesty and resolve to live a better life, keep posting buddy.

really_not_cool_man

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Re: The Final Fed Up
« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2017, 05:36:43 PM »
Hi TrueMe. Thanks for the comments and encouragement.

I'm on Day 2. So far so good. I generally hit a wall around Day 6. Weekends are usually the hardest because of more free time.

So today I'll write more about what it means to love myself. Again, this is a pretty new concept to me. Generally if I heard that phrase I would immediately think of a narcissist, which I am not. I would think of someone who is a megalomaniac, which I also am not. Rather, the way I'm thinking about it recently is that to love myself means that on the one hand, I behave in the dignified and respectable manner deserving of love, and on the other hand, I am able to forgive myself and not be so hard on myself when I mess up.

I have also taken responsibility for the way my life has turned out. I believe that the majority of my problems were caused by bad choices and can only be remedied/avoided by making better choices. I no longer blame my ex wife, my parents, the government, the medical establishment, etc. etc. for my problems. If I blame them for my problems, I have ceded control and must rely on them to make things better, which they won't. I really believe that this is the first step toward recovery, owning up to my bad choices, not expecting anyone to fix things for me, and knowing that I have the power to change my life for the better.

That's all I have time for today, more tomorrow.

IWantToLive

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Re: The Final Fed Up
« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2017, 12:17:40 PM »
Hey RNCM,

Your story really stuck with me and resonated with my own on many levels. I was very full of potential but lived a half-assed life until now, because of my own poor choices, specifically related to PMO, internet addiction, and general lack of self-control. Also, there was the problem of self-loathing, which came from lack of self-love. We have to forgive, forget, and move-on to healthy habits in the future and that's where I want to go.

I wish you the best in terms of recovery and well being.

see you around,

-I