Author Topic: I Quit.  (Read 3777 times)

EnigmaMan

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I Quit.
« on: November 10, 2017, 03:11:09 PM »

I Quit.


Some useful Tools:(just follow the links)
1. Hello Gentlemen, now we begin - Sir William, my mentor
2. Pluckeye - Image Blocker

*Do the research, learn all you can about addiction science.  There will be tough days, you will feel: ill, tortured, impossible, weak, headaches, depression, anxiety, and many, many more discomforting feelings and thoughts.  Even so, stick to it, never hesitate to come back to RN after a setback.  Post often, encourage others and know you are NOT alone in this and you are NOT the first.  Lastly, choose to be a quitter, there is no middle ground or casual use, the goal must be ZERO. 
Above all, Keep It Stupid Simple.

PMO, Just say NO! 
« Last Edit: January 17, 2018, 11:11:23 AM by EnigmaMan »

Red Bear

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2017, 12:38:12 AM »
3 days is already quite an achievement. Keep it counting!

TK-421

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2017, 01:11:12 PM »
Welcome back Chip, as soon as I saw your first post in this journal I knew it was you!  It seems like we are on a similar path.   I just did an update in my journal - I haven't posted much regularly but do check in every now and then.

TK-421
I never use porn or masturbate Now.  I am in charge of my life.

TK-421

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2017, 11:42:01 AM »
DAY 7

Well I'm concluding my first week, so far so good.  Just as my friend TK-421 stated on his journal, "we must stay vigilant, always on guard".  He's very wise.  I don't have as much to say today, its quiet and on a positive note I woke up with some "Oak Wood" this morning, my BP is down and I've lost some weight too.  For me this journey never was about any sort of ED or issues in the bedroom, although I wouldn't complain if I could get a little more stamina in the deal(My wife can't understand why), I suppose its a guy thing to always want to do better at everything.  Any success I have, I do have to give the credit to God, I know for a fact that I cannot do this in my own strength, I would most assuredly crash & burn.  So in closing, stay vigilant, stay focused, be humble. 

Later Dudes,

RN Twin(aka Chip)

Good work Chip. We got this.  I like that approach, for today I will stay vigilant, focused and humble. 
I never use porn or masturbate Now.  I am in charge of my life.

Red Bear

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #4 on: November 19, 2017, 03:41:38 AM »
congrats, Enigma Man. A week is already a long way done.

Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #5 on: November 19, 2017, 10:10:10 AM »
EnigmaMan,

I just read your post here and I smiled at some our similarities. I write (p), am Christian, wasn't a troublemaker as a child, have the same progression with p as you (mags to internet), and went through job struggles. (Perhaps it's no coincidence you have been the most helpful in my own thread!)

Stay strong, especially in The Word.


Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #6 on: November 20, 2017, 06:17:50 PM »
DAY 11 of 90 REBOOT
DAY 01 of WATER FAST

So the first 10 days were more or less uneventful, but beginning day 11 of my Reboot has seen the mild return of thoughts & images.  Just like every other man I'm sure, I have a type that I appreciate more than others.  Well being sometime early this morning I was met with my first attack.  I say attack because even though I agree that PMO is a brain problem I believe it has multiple components, ie Physiological, Psychological and Spiritual.  Well last night I had my first erotic dream, it involved my wife, which I don't view as bad as I'm still very attracted to her, but it was inconvenient and so to keep from drifting back to it I went ahead and got up at 4:50am(Ugh).  I also drive my wife to work everyday as I can because I work from home and she has some disabilities that make driving less than safe, so.  Anyway, during my return trip home I found myself being assaulted mentally, a mild assault, but an attack none the less.  An image would try and establish itself but as I would swat it away then her name would float thru.  As I stated earlier we all have a type and physically she suits me to a "T".  Even so, it played out like a juggling act in my brain, image-name, image-name, image-name.  Being a veteran of the PMO wars I knew if I disn't find a way out of this loop the rationalizations would creep in, "It's not full on porn, it's just nudity" or "A few images won't hurt anything" or "You can handle this" or "You deserve this" and on and on.  I had been listening to a podcast that I'd grown bored of, but to regain my mental footing I put on some loud Metal music(AC/DC) and cracked my window(it was 27 this morning).  After 2 or 3 songs the onslaught had passed, but I thought I'd share it here this morning as I begin the second leg in my 9 leg REBOOT.  Have a great week.

Congrats!

Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #7 on: November 20, 2017, 06:18:23 PM »
DAY 11 of 90 REBOOT
DAY 01 of WATER FAST

So the first 10 days were more or less uneventful, but beginning day 11 of my Reboot has seen the mild return of thoughts & images.  Just like every other man I'm sure, I have a type that I appreciate more than others.  Well being sometime early this morning I was met with my first attack.  I say attack because even though I agree that PMO is a brain problem I believe it has multiple components, ie Physiological, Psychological and Spiritual.  Well last night I had my first erotic dream, it involved my wife, which I don't view as bad as I'm still very attracted to her, but it was inconvenient and so to keep from drifting back to it I went ahead and got up at 4:50am(Ugh).  I also drive my wife to work everyday as I can because I work from home and she has some disabilities that make driving less than safe, so.  Anyway, during my return trip home I found myself being assaulted mentally, a mild assault, but an attack none the less.  An image would try and establish itself but as I would swat it away then her name would float thru.  As I stated earlier we all have a type and physically she suits me to a "T".  Even so, it played out like a juggling act in my brain, image-name, image-name, image-name.  Being a veteran of the PMO wars I knew if I disn't find a way out of this loop the rationalizations would creep in, "It's not full on porn, it's just nudity" or "A few images won't hurt anything" or "You can handle this" or "You deserve this" and on and on.  I had been listening to a podcast that I'd grown bored of, but to regain my mental footing I put on some loud Metal music(AC/DC) and cracked my window(it was 27 this morning).  After 2 or 3 songs the onslaught had passed, but I thought I'd share it here this morning as I begin the second leg in my 9 leg REBOOT.  Have a great week.

Congrats!!

Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #8 on: November 25, 2017, 01:10:54 PM »
Hey EnigmaMan,

Just wanted to see how your turkey day was and how you're doing.

Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #9 on: November 26, 2017, 09:31:36 AM »
Sorry for your current scenarios, friend.

Once again I see commonalities between us. My holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's) haven't been the same either, ironically since 2011. In January of that year I was suddenly downsized from my beloved job. This loss of work was the reason for the end of my marriage, the negative change of the concept of "family," me experiencing complete abandonment (by my ex-wife, her family, and mine)--I know how Christ felt in the Garden when the apostles split, and my greatest recovery/victory thanks to God.

Since 2013 I have been alone on T-day, Christmas, and NY's Eve. I tell others that I am spending the day with an aunt--who is fictional. I have gotten used to these solo events, though these year I was a bit depressed about Thanksgiving prior to the day. It eventually went away.

I was closer to my maternal side, both in terms of relations and geography. We were all close, visiting each other throughout the 70's to the 90's. Since the kids (first cousins) became the adults and our parents passed away, it was also Exit Stage Left. My three cousins, especially the one I was closest to, blew the exit door off the hinges in 2011 and 2012, lol.

My ex and I also had no kids. I too suffer from depression, have been my worst enemy, and know the sting of wanting things which ended/never happened and feeling that they weren't meant for me. Since I was younger I have felt that me having a good woman/wife/relationship wasn't meant for me. In my 20s I used to see a couple in the street  looking lovey-dovey maybe holding hands, or an attractive girl and I used to say to myself "that's not meant for me."

Try not to be so hard on yourself. I am a former expert on this. As a Christian, you know we strive to be Christ-like but can never truly be error-free like He is. In this fallen world, there is no 100%--none that I can think. We fall trying to be like Him, so it is natural we will fall in other endeavors. Just dust yourself off and get back on the road.  Most of all, let your weakness be your source for Divine strength. Lean on Him and pray for strength and support. 

Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #10 on: November 27, 2017, 08:31:28 AM »
Glad to hear you're doing better.

That is some string of bad luck, with the worst for last.  :( I know it's years ago but I am sorry for your loss.

Well, I don't know about God being my matchmaker  ;D. I truly don't have any interest right now in getting serious with anyone. I'd like to move. I've wanted to since the divorce. I've lived in NY all my life. Other than my job (which I can switch to another state's office), there is nothing keeping me in terms of an emotional or familial tie. Major conveniences , my parents' illnesses from years ago, the marriage, and a great rent as far as NYC goes are factors why I've remained.

Over the past month I believe my life is changing, specifically the Lord is doing the changing. I believe rebooting is part of the changing. I've lost an entrepreneurial flare I've had for 20 years as exemplified by me on the verge of closing my NYS business and letting go of a separate, unfinished project I have. Other past-times (including P) are losing their luster. I'm not worried because I trust Him completely, though it's a bit sad to see this chapter of my life--specifically the business endeavors--disappear. I'm in the hunt for a new passion (not female) and hopefully get back my entrepreneurial juices.


Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #11 on: November 27, 2017, 10:16:45 PM »
Thanks for sharing your late model racing passion.

I wish I could see p/rebooting as a reason for the ending of my business and disregard for the project. If there is/was, I can't figure it out. I was falling out of love with these two endeavors way before I finally realized I have PIED. For over a year I went back and forth especially with the business saying I was going to close, no I was going to resurrect it. A few weeks I got in a squabble with the web hosting company and figured this was the final straw--to end the company. I got all the necessary steps from my accountant on how to dissolve it. I was going to start doing this during the holiday weekend but I was bummed out about my social life and "falling off the wagon."

I wrote down the reasons for the entrepreneurial demise. There were personal issues (I lost my "cheerleader" and a fellow recipient of financial gain--my wife) and financial ones (my childhood's disregard for my parents' "save your money" advice came back to bite me because you need money in order to advertise/promote.) I have the money now but not the passion  :o ::) :P :(.

Thanks for the prayers. Likewise I am praying for you.

Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #12 on: November 28, 2017, 04:49:45 PM »
Great advice, Chip! Thanks!!!!

Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #13 on: November 30, 2017, 06:57:47 PM »
That Matthew 5:28 scripture always confounded me. It seems like, if you look at a woman lustfully, you've already sinned so what's the point of not committing the actual physical act?

Another confusing item, while not sexually related, is God can forgive you on your deathbed if you are genuinely sorry--after a life of murder, torture, etc. In another words: Jeffrey Dahmer, Pol Pot, Hitler, etc. can spend years/decades hurting/torturing/killing/raping/etc. and at their last breath they are forgiven if really repentant. Where is the justice--especially for the victims and their families--in that?
« Last Edit: December 01, 2017, 06:49:22 PM by Overcomer2017 »

Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #14 on: December 03, 2017, 01:28:21 PM »
Chip,

Thanks for the reply.

I still can't wrap my mind around Hitler, Charles Manson, Dahmer, etc. being forgiven at their last breath by God if these monsters were repentant. If that's the case (and this is more rhetorical) where is the justice for the legion of their victims?

I remember ending for several years a friendship about a decade ago with a fellow Christian. He truly believes David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam killer, was repentant and forgiven. I stood by my above belief and didn't talk to him for a several years. It was ironically my divorce which reconnected us. He's a pastor in Texas now.

Thanks.

Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #15 on: December 06, 2017, 07:54:48 PM »
I like that party analogy. If I'm not mistaken, Jesus had a parable about a king who sent out invitations.

Thanks for the Scriptures.

My parallel to you and p and you not going the other way is self-esteem issues (i.e., bullying and rejection by women) and my divorce. I look at Columbine incidents and guys who've gotten rejected and/or the short-end of a divorce then go on rape/murder sprees...I constantly thank the Lord I didn't end up like them.

Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #16 on: December 09, 2017, 08:28:45 AM »
When I watch one of these crime/police channels I think two things: I am grateful to God I have a strong conscious, and that there is just pure evil in the world.

That's great what you did about choosing the outcasts, not only for them but to knock down the jocks a few pegs. Kudos also your early programming, love of bikes and cars, most of all you never forget where you came from.

Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #17 on: December 12, 2017, 10:32:16 PM »
You can do it, brother! Just dust yourself off and start all over again!

IWantToLive

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #18 on: December 13, 2017, 02:11:01 PM »
My best wishes to you EM in your path to recovery.

Non-Christian here but I have gained strength and resolve to beat this addiction from my faith in god.

It really is the best way I think because god is loving, kind, and compassionate.

We need to be compassionate towards ourselves and others and in doing so we stop hurting ourselves and others.

After all, with this pmo habit that we are trying to rid of, we are trying to stop hurting ourselves, our loved ones, and others.

-I

When the going gets tough, the tough get going

Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #19 on: December 15, 2017, 03:12:20 PM »
Great stuff, EnigmaMan!

Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #20 on: December 17, 2017, 07:10:34 PM »
Chip,

I came across this prayer. I immediately thought of you.

You have written Scriptures for me (and everyone.) Now it's my turn.  :)


Dear Father,

Please meet me in my loneliness, help me to have the confidence to speak with someone about my addiction. I trust that you can lead me out of this prison, that you can heal my mind and body.

I long to be free, yet I still feel so trapped by my thoughts and fears. Cover me with your love and grace, until, with your help Lord, I can walk in freedom, break out and fully live again.

Amen.


(a prayer for freedom from addiction from www.lords-prayer-words.com)


Overcomer2017

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Re: A Living Sacrifice
« Reply #21 on: December 18, 2017, 09:27:30 PM »
Day 6

Thank you OC17, your prayer was very much needed and appreciated.  I'm in a very calm place, my mind is mostly clear.  There have been the occasional thought, song, memory try to make an appearance, but reflexively I slam the door on them before they can take root.  I've been filling my mind with good thoughts, reading scripture, praying often and not spending my energy trying "Not To", but instead focusing on where I want to go, not looking back.  I know from my past attempts, which are many, that going toe to toe, trying to muscle my way through simply did not work.  I continue to humble myself, seeking God's face.  Be well my brothers.

Romans 12:1-2   A Living Sacrifice
English Standard Version (ESV)

12 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. 2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

You're welcome and [thumbs up]!  ;)

IWantToLive

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #22 on: December 20, 2017, 05:03:49 PM »
EM,

Hope you are doing well and kicking this pmo devil to the curb.

I was feeling a little weak today, so I decided to come here, read profiles and say a prayer.

Keep going strong,

-I
When the going gets tough, the tough get going

Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #23 on: December 22, 2017, 08:35:11 AM »
Bravo, Champ Chip! :)

IWantToLive

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #24 on: December 22, 2017, 09:20:37 AM »
Congratulations EM!

Keep going strong. We are going to have to rely on all the weaponry in our arsenal to fight and win this battle.

-I
When the going gets tough, the tough get going