Author Topic: My Confession  (Read 233 times)

EnigmaMan

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My Confession
« on: November 10, 2017, 03:11:09 PM »
DAY 1
Hello to my fellow Rebooter's,

I've struggled with an addiction to PMA for many years.  I followed a progression from childhood to now, that escalated with advancements in technology.  Magazines to Cable to VHS to DVD to Internet, I even composed some of my own stories as I like to write as well.  This isn't my first time on RN, last year I completed 120 days and thought I was through, but I found out I wasn't as strong as I hoped.  After the 120, I've fallen back into the pattern of resisting for a few days, usually just under a week, then relapse and repeat.  I am Christian, so I will be using scripture from time to time as I believe it is important and pivotal to my long term freedom.  You are free to have a different view, but I will NOT be swayed from this POV.  In scripture it teaches that we need to humble ourselves in order to avoid falling into sin and for healing from it, this usually entails telling someone else, but I currently find myself without a person I would feel comfortable sharing it with as I've had bad experiences with that before, so I will confess here.  I've done filter's and screener's, but I usually beat those after a while, so I'm flying free for the moment.  I've not much to say other than what I've said, I'll check in as needed, try to encourage others as I hope they will encourage me. 

November  10, 2017  BEGAN REBOOT!

November  19, 2017  ***Completed 10 Days, NO PMO/NO MO.***

November  29, 2017  ***Will Complete 20 Days, NO PMO/NO MO.***

December 09, 2017  ***Will Complete 30 Days, NO PMO/NO MO.***

December 19, 2017  ***Will Complete 40 Days, NO PMO/NO MO.***

December 24, 2017 - HALFWAY HOME!

December 29, 2017  ***Will Complete 50 Days, NO PMO/NO MO.***

January  08, 2018  ***Will Complete 60 Days, NO PMO/NO MO.***

January  18, 2018  ***Will Complete 70 Days, NO PMO/NO MO.***

January  28, 2018  ***Will Complete 80 Days, NO PMO/NO MO.***

February  7, 2018  Will Complete REBOOT 90 Days, NO PMO/NO MO.
« Last Edit: November 20, 2017, 09:42:55 AM by EnigmaMan »

EnigmaMan

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Once More Unto the Breach Dear Friends, once more
« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2017, 10:23:56 PM »
DAY 2

Good Evening,

Today is day 2 and I've not much to report, no urges, no issues, its quiet.  This is common for me, I expect it will remain this way for several days until I near weeks end.  For now my brain is content with my last fall, but I now the itch will return as the Delta Fos B becomes depleted in my system.  It seems different around Rn from my initial trip a year ago, a different attitude is prevalent in the posters, it seems most of the hard and fast rules have been ditched in favor of compromise, but I know what required is a zero sum game.  No images, No provocative music, No racy TV or movies, all stimulation nude and/or suggestive must be avoided to starve the brain of what it craves.  There is no in between, no half measures, only FULL commitment to a ZERO sum outcome.  It is a yes or no proposition, with no in between and it is possible to achieve, but we must take every thought captive or be taken captive by them.  So armed with scripture and the Holy Spirit I once more enter the fray.

2 Corinthians 10:4-6 English Standard Version (ESV)
4 For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. 5 We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, 6 being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete.

I'd also like to add some encouraging words from Shakespeare.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.


EnigmaMan

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Re: Once More Unto the Breach Dear Friends, once more
« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2017, 11:03:22 PM »
DAY 3

Good Evening,

Fellow Rebooters, its been a good day, had a couple of passing temptations, but nothing intense, just some, "What if" moments.  For me that is what occurs mostly, just a slight passing thought, but they can be dangerous if I ponder on them.  As long as I don't linger with them and just swat them down as fast as they arrive, instead putting my mind on thoughts of other more productive things.  Sometimes I wish the, "Search Engine" had not been invented, because I love to explore the web and that can be dangerous.  In an effort to better control my web time and side step any issues I've deleted all my social media accounts and pretty much stay on 6 specific sites; 

1 site is for my option trading (TD Ameritrade),
1 site for market research (Investopedia),
1 site for news (RT),
1 site for sprint car racing (IOW),
1 site for DLM racing (4M),
1 site for Bible study (Bible Gateway)

Its best for me to have a clear objective when using the web and just get in and get out, no random browsing, no random searches.  I know some guys struggle with MO, but for me MO always followed P, like PB&J.  So as long as I'm not viewing anything I shouldn't I'm cool not to MO, but a strict non stimulation rule is a good thing to follow.  I feel really good, focused, strong and resolute.  Alright men, lets take that hill, LOCK & LOAD!
« Last Edit: November 12, 2017, 11:14:36 PM by EnigmaMan »

Red Bear

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #3 on: November 13, 2017, 12:38:12 AM »
3 days is already quite an achievement. Keep it counting!

EnigmaMan

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #4 on: November 13, 2017, 12:45:09 PM »
DAY 4

3 days is already quite an achievement. Keep it counting!
Thanks Red Bear I appreciate your words of encouragement.  I've noticed today, which is why I'm on here earlier than usual that under stress I'm more susceptible to fantasy and craving release and excitement.  Today I'm back in the market and its giving me some stress to deal with, some anxiety too, but I do love the rush.  Learning to deal with stress without resorting to PMO is the trick.  Keep those cards and letters coming in, Sports Fans! 

I forgot to mention I'm also ADD and we tend towards dangerous occupations and excitement to combat our naturally low dopamine levels, ie racing, the stock market and my dream of being a fighter pilot and/or a stunt man when I was younger.  In school they just labeled me a day dreamer and told my parents I'd most likely dig ditches and not expect much from me.
« Last Edit: November 13, 2017, 12:49:43 PM by EnigmaMan »

EnigmaMan

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #5 on: November 14, 2017, 12:18:49 PM »
DAY 5

Hello fellow travelers,

I forgot to mention in my earlier posts that I'm also doing a 30 Day water ONLY fast, so today I'm experiencing headaches and expect some pain in my face by tomorrow, but usually by the 3rd or 4th day I get feeling better.  I'm making this time around a life reset, I'm 47 but I'm not where I want to be on my life path and all of that can be attributed to my longtime indulgence of PMO.  With everything I've learned about P and myself it gives me hope and some answers to why I made the decisions I made in the past and why I behaved the way I did.  I have been in and out of debt a few times, at present I'm in again, even deeper than before, but its not hopeless and my credit is still intact.  From the time I was a small child I was very reserved, not a trouble maker, but I struggled with school.  I remember the first time I saw P and the day it happened, the rush was so overwhelming that I remember walking away in a stupor after pouring over a stack of magazines my friends father had.  We looked at them for maybe an hour solid and i walked away in a daze, but from that day on I knew I wanted more, it woke me up.  The next best thing that really stimulated me and made me actually feel alive was my go-cart, it was the best.  One of my fondest memories was one summer morning when my mom woke me up and actually told me to go ride it, that memory is burned in my brain. 

Without the stimulation of P or go-karts or motorcycles or racing I just feel like I'm walking thru waste deep mud, bogged down.  But let me get up around 80 MPH and suddenly I feel like I've been switched on.  For years no one made the connection, I wasn't diagnosed with ADD until I was 18 or 19 about the same time I flunked out of college.  Back then it was looked at as a lack of discipline, not something treatable, which is how my parents approached it.  I went thru school either on or off of restriction between report cards, back and forth until finally graduating with a solid 2.0 GPA(LOL), an SAT of 620 and an IQ of 144.

Anyway after going thru RN last year, actually going 120 days clean and learning about how my condition effects me I realized why I kept ending up in the situations I do, being impulsive with spending and feeling the way I do.  ADD or ADHD-pi  has the characteristic of low dopamine and people with it tend to be drawn to dangerous behavior, like committing crimes, sexual addictions, drug addictions and professions like fire fighting, policeman, pilots, etc.  For me I wanted to either be a stuntman or a fighter pilot, until I discovered racing when I was 16.  Since them motorsport has been my most treasured past time and had I not already adopted the PMO habit I may well have done better, but my financial situation was always the anchor impeding my progress, which ushered in bouts of depression.  The other obstacle was my parents flat refusal for me to do any racing at all while I lived in their house, even with me funding it...  I wasn't a rebellious kid and so I tried to do what they wanted me to do, which was to be a mechanical engineer, sitting behind a desk.(It sounded like a prison sentence to me).  I hated every second, I can still see those plain white walls and the droning professor and remember how hopeless and terminal it felt.  Once I flunked out I went to a tech school and enrolled in welding technology, before transfering to Tool & Machine.  I went from flunked out, to the deans list and my dad could not understand it(He's an electrical engineer).  It looked like I was on my way and then...  By now this was 1990, the economy was changing and hands on jobs like what I was training for were being sent overseas and phased out.  About a 1/3 of the way into my schooling we showed up one night and all the teachers had been fired and replaced by one dude who'd never taught before and didn't know anything about CNC.  They told us we would be the last class to go thru the program it was being replaced with nursing.  We would only have to do 2 more quarters and then we'd get a certificate saying we did the whole thing...  What?!  Downhill from there, for several weeks all we did was sit in a room with this dude watching TRY to program the CNC and then crash it, over and over, learning ZERO.  I started leaving every night when we went to break and then finally they asked me not to come back, which saved me on gas anyway.  So that's it, school was a train wreck and I entered the job force full time, in my spare time I worked on a pit crew and then started racing my self in 92', got married in 95'.  I raced karts all over the southeast from 92'-02' while my wife was still in college and then in 02' I sold all my kart equipment and bought a used late model I started putting together.  Had a good job, new house with 5 acres of land and then in 2004 they sold the company and I was in debt so bad I had to sell everything or risk going bankrupt.  Managed to dig our way back out and get debt free except for a small house we bought by 2007.  Just as things looked up, I got laid off again and soon after the whole economy went off a cliff.  Over the next several years things just never returned to how they were and our debt kept creeping higher and higher trying to make ends meet, but in 2017 things finally seem to be on a better track.  I know nobody asked to read my life story, but it was good for me to review it and recall where we've been, what I'm thankful for.  The clouds are breaking and the sun is shinning thru.  Hallelujah!

TK-421

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #6 on: November 14, 2017, 01:11:12 PM »
Welcome back Chip, as soon as I saw your first post in this journal I knew it was you!  It seems like we are on a similar path.   I just did an update in my journal - I haven't posted much regularly but do check in every now and then.

TK-421
I never use porn or masturbate Now.  I am in charge of my life.

EnigmaMan

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2017, 11:11:06 AM »
DAY 6
Welcome back Chip, as soon as I saw your first post in this journal I knew it was you!  It seems like we are on a similar path.   I just did an update in my journal - I haven't posted much regularly but do check in every now and then.

TK-421
Not gonna say I'm glad to be back, but its nice to see old friends.  How are you doing? 
I made it 120 days, before I stumbled then got caught in the cycle for several months of stop, fall, stop, repeat.  So I came back to where I had my best result.  The good thing this time is I'm not depressed or beating myself up about it, but my eyes are wide open.  I do find it easier to swat away the thoughts than in times past that plagued me.  I've got a better routine and working on my health too, without a routine its easier to get off into trouble.  Where are you on the path, I saw some gaps in your journal so I wasn't sure.

Be well.

EnigmaMan

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #8 on: November 16, 2017, 11:06:14 AM »
DAY 7

Well I'm concluding my first week, so far so good.  Just as my friend TK-421 stated on his journal, "we must stay vigilant, always on guard".  He's very wise.  I don't have as much to say today, its quiet and on a positive note I woke up with some "Oak Wood" this morning, my BP is down and I've lost some weight too.  For me this journey never was about any sort of ED or issues in the bedroom, although I wouldn't complain if I could get a little more stamina in the deal(My wife can't understand why), I suppose its a guy thing to always want to do better at everything.  Any success I have, I do have to give the credit to God, I know for a fact that I cannot do this in my own strength, I would most assuredly crash & burn.  So in closing, stay vigilant, stay focused, be humble. 

Later Dudes,

RN Twin(aka Chip)

TK-421

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #9 on: November 16, 2017, 11:42:01 AM »
DAY 7

Well I'm concluding my first week, so far so good.  Just as my friend TK-421 stated on his journal, "we must stay vigilant, always on guard".  He's very wise.  I don't have as much to say today, its quiet and on a positive note I woke up with some "Oak Wood" this morning, my BP is down and I've lost some weight too.  For me this journey never was about any sort of ED or issues in the bedroom, although I wouldn't complain if I could get a little more stamina in the deal(My wife can't understand why), I suppose its a guy thing to always want to do better at everything.  Any success I have, I do have to give the credit to God, I know for a fact that I cannot do this in my own strength, I would most assuredly crash & burn.  So in closing, stay vigilant, stay focused, be humble. 

Later Dudes,

RN Twin(aka Chip)

Good work Chip. We got this.  I like that approach, for today I will stay vigilant, focused and humble. 
I never use porn or masturbate Now.  I am in charge of my life.

Red Bear

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #10 on: November 19, 2017, 03:41:38 AM »
congrats, Enigma Man. A week is already a long way done.

Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #11 on: November 19, 2017, 10:10:10 AM »
EnigmaMan,

I just read your post here and I smiled at some our similarities. I write (p), am Christian, wasn't a troublemaker as a child, have the same progression with p as you (mags to internet), and went through job struggles. (Perhaps it's no coincidence you have been the most helpful in my own thread!)

Stay strong, especially in The Word.


EnigmaMan

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #12 on: November 19, 2017, 03:10:42 PM »
November  19, 2017 
***Completed 10 Days, NO PMO, NO MO.***
« Last Edit: November 20, 2017, 09:36:47 AM by EnigmaMan »

EnigmaMan

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #13 on: November 20, 2017, 09:07:53 AM »
DAY 11 of 90 REBOOT
DAY 01 of WATER FAST
ATTACK LEVEL IS 8

So the first 10 days were more or less uneventful, but beginning day 11 of my Reboot has seen the mild return of thoughts & images.  Just like every other man I'm sure, I have a type that I appreciate more than others.  Well being sometime early this morning I was met with my first attack.  I say attack because even though I agree that PMO is a brain problem I believe it has multiple components, ie Physiological, Psychological and Spiritual.  Well last night I had my first erotic dream, it involved my wife, which I don't view as bad as I'm still very attracted to her, but it was inconvenient and so to keep from drifting back to it I went ahead and got up at 4:50am(Ugh).  I also drive my wife to work everyday as I can because I work from home and she has some disabilities that make driving less than safe, so.  Anyway, during my return trip home I found myself being assaulted mentally, a mild assault, but an attack none the less.  An image would try and establish itself but as I would swat it away then her name would float thru.  As I stated earlier we all have a type and physically she suits me to a "T".  Even so, it played out like a juggling act in my brain, image-name, image-name, image-name.  Being a veteran of the PMO wars I knew if I disn't find a way out of this loop the rationalizations would creep in, "It's not full on porn, it's just nudity" or "A few images won't hurt anything" or "You can handle this" or "You deserve this" and on and on.  I had been listening to a podcast that I'd grown bored of, but to regain my mental footing I put on some loud Metal music(AC/DC) and cracked my window(it was 27 this morning).  After 2 or 3 songs the onslaught had passed, but I thought I'd share it here this morning as I begin the second leg in my 9 leg REBOOT.  Have a great week.
« Last Edit: November 21, 2017, 09:22:01 AM by EnigmaMan »

EnigmaMan

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #14 on: November 20, 2017, 09:53:14 AM »
EnigmaMan,

I just read your post here and I smiled at some our similarities. I write (p), am Christian, wasn't a troublemaker as a child, have the same progression with p as you (mags to internet), and went through job struggles. (Perhaps it's no coincidence you have been the most helpful in my own thread!)

Stay strong, especially in The Word.
I'm glad my insights and experience is helpful to you, its important I think to have guys with similar backgrounds to encourage each other as we can understand better how we got here.  Satan will tell us how awful and undeserving we are in an attempt to have us give up, in those moments when it all seems hopeless we are more likely to say, "What does it matter?" and dive back in the sewer.  We can't do that, while its true in the flesh we don't stand a chance, but we have the ultimate weapon in Jesus Christ, but we must put away pride, humble ourselves and let Jesus lower the boom on Satan and his strong holds.

Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #15 on: November 20, 2017, 06:17:50 PM »
DAY 11 of 90 REBOOT
DAY 01 of WATER FAST

So the first 10 days were more or less uneventful, but beginning day 11 of my Reboot has seen the mild return of thoughts & images.  Just like every other man I'm sure, I have a type that I appreciate more than others.  Well being sometime early this morning I was met with my first attack.  I say attack because even though I agree that PMO is a brain problem I believe it has multiple components, ie Physiological, Psychological and Spiritual.  Well last night I had my first erotic dream, it involved my wife, which I don't view as bad as I'm still very attracted to her, but it was inconvenient and so to keep from drifting back to it I went ahead and got up at 4:50am(Ugh).  I also drive my wife to work everyday as I can because I work from home and she has some disabilities that make driving less than safe, so.  Anyway, during my return trip home I found myself being assaulted mentally, a mild assault, but an attack none the less.  An image would try and establish itself but as I would swat it away then her name would float thru.  As I stated earlier we all have a type and physically she suits me to a "T".  Even so, it played out like a juggling act in my brain, image-name, image-name, image-name.  Being a veteran of the PMO wars I knew if I disn't find a way out of this loop the rationalizations would creep in, "It's not full on porn, it's just nudity" or "A few images won't hurt anything" or "You can handle this" or "You deserve this" and on and on.  I had been listening to a podcast that I'd grown bored of, but to regain my mental footing I put on some loud Metal music(AC/DC) and cracked my window(it was 27 this morning).  After 2 or 3 songs the onslaught had passed, but I thought I'd share it here this morning as I begin the second leg in my 9 leg REBOOT.  Have a great week.

Congrats!

Overcomer2017

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #16 on: November 20, 2017, 06:18:23 PM »
DAY 11 of 90 REBOOT
DAY 01 of WATER FAST

So the first 10 days were more or less uneventful, but beginning day 11 of my Reboot has seen the mild return of thoughts & images.  Just like every other man I'm sure, I have a type that I appreciate more than others.  Well being sometime early this morning I was met with my first attack.  I say attack because even though I agree that PMO is a brain problem I believe it has multiple components, ie Physiological, Psychological and Spiritual.  Well last night I had my first erotic dream, it involved my wife, which I don't view as bad as I'm still very attracted to her, but it was inconvenient and so to keep from drifting back to it I went ahead and got up at 4:50am(Ugh).  I also drive my wife to work everyday as I can because I work from home and she has some disabilities that make driving less than safe, so.  Anyway, during my return trip home I found myself being assaulted mentally, a mild assault, but an attack none the less.  An image would try and establish itself but as I would swat it away then her name would float thru.  As I stated earlier we all have a type and physically she suits me to a "T".  Even so, it played out like a juggling act in my brain, image-name, image-name, image-name.  Being a veteran of the PMO wars I knew if I disn't find a way out of this loop the rationalizations would creep in, "It's not full on porn, it's just nudity" or "A few images won't hurt anything" or "You can handle this" or "You deserve this" and on and on.  I had been listening to a podcast that I'd grown bored of, but to regain my mental footing I put on some loud Metal music(AC/DC) and cracked my window(it was 27 this morning).  After 2 or 3 songs the onslaught had passed, but I thought I'd share it here this morning as I begin the second leg in my 9 leg REBOOT.  Have a great week.

Congrats!!

EnigmaMan

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Re: My Confession
« Reply #17 on: November 21, 2017, 09:20:24 AM »
DAY 12 of 90 REBOOT
DAY 02 of WATER FAST
ATTACK LEVEL IS 5
Today I'm having less bombardment of thoughts.  I work from home on computer, but yesterday was strong enough that I opted to work outside and avoid any PC/Web interaction.