Author Topic: Thoughts of Peace Not of Calamity  (Read 278 times)

The90daywar

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Thoughts of Peace Not of Calamity
« on: October 18, 2017, 10:15:57 PM »
Hello all, I am very thankful that I found this forum many months ago. I have been and will be using it to help myself and hopefully others. My intro is long because I have been using porn for a long time. Over 40 years!

I am 57 years old. I grew up in a very abusive home. I was introduced to porn  at a young age. I left home when I was 17 and started on a course of sex drugs and Rock n Roll. It was the late 70’s and that’s what everyone I knew was doing.  I always loved porn but didn’t look at it much. Porn magazines were expensive, to me. And I had other interests like guitar magazines, playing music and real woman.

When I got my first computer it was 1995 I think. Soon a “friend” introduced me to a bulletin board that people posted porn on. I couldn’t believe now I could get free porn. I think it took several minutes just to download one picture. I was viewing porn more often now but I don’t think it had a hold on me yet.

In the early 2000’s  I was into online gaming. I had been through a horrible divorce and I was through with long term relationships. I had my own business and was making good money.  I had quit drinking by then but still was using pot. Pot and porn went together perfect for me. I would spend a lot my free time playing music, gaming and downloading porn. Porn still didn’t seem to have a hold on me but now it was a weekly habit.

For the next 8 to 9 years I was still downloading and watching porn movies. Then something changed I found a “tube site” where I could find all kinds of porn and watch it instantly. This changed everything. I would stay up for hours sometimes smoking weed and watching porn. It was starting to affect my work and my social life was dead. I decided I needed a break. So I quit for maybe a month. Then back at it. Also around this time I met a woman and fell in love so I decided to stop porn. I got married and I did quit porn! for about 3 months and but then secretly I was back at it, late at night watching porn. Now it was almost daily. I knew I had a problem but thought I could quit if I just tried harder. I did try harder and it went to a daily habit.

Fast forward to today and I have no doubt I am totally addicted to hardcore internet porn. I have desperately tried to stop on my own for years. Hey I quit drinking and that wasn’t easy. I quit pot and that made me cry. But porn is like no other addiction or bad habit I have had. If I didn’t fight this I would be using porn every day for hours at a time.

For me it’s now a war. I will lose some battles but I have to win the war. It takes a lot of work. The longest I have stopped laetly was for 2 months last year. This year I had a 29 day streak. Usually I last for 7-10 days. The last time I used was 2 days ago. My goal (at this time) is to reach 90 days in row porn free.

Some of the things that are working for me:

RESEARCH: Many hours reading YBOP, Gary’s book, reading articles about it, reading forums like this one, watching videos on the subject. Talking to my psychologist.

TAKE ACTION: No staying up later then the wife. No watching anything sexually stimulating. Not staring at or fantasizing about women out in public. Being very careful when I am home alone. Knowing when to turn off the computer, TV or a fantasy. Getting up in the morning and having to take a shower. Playing my guitar, (or have a hobby) reading a book or the bible, praying etc.

SELF AWARENESS: Knowing what my triggers are. At first I was totally out of touch with my desires. Now I try to be aware of those feelings before a relapse. I get this electric feeling, I call it electricity. Example, wife leaves house to go shopping , wow the electric sparks hit me. Danger Danger Will Robinson - time to leave - go to a friend’s house, take a walk etc.

BE KIND TO MYSELF: It’s not easy, and I can't fallow my own advice all the time. But even though I may lose a battle I will keep fighting to win the War. Also the more battles I win the easier it gets. I know I will relapse again, but when I do I WILL NOT BEAT MYSELF UP LIKE I USED TO. That never helps in fact it make things worse. However I will not wave the white flag and surrender either. I will as soon as possible get back up and keep fighting. Because it is worth it. The positive feelings I have when I reach 10 days is great! So I congratulate myself and do something good for myself as a reward. Right now I am grateful that I have gone 2 days.

lyon03

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Re: Thoughts of Peace Not of Calamity
« Reply #1 on: October 19, 2017, 04:41:17 AM »
Welcome friend! Thank you for so courageously and honestly sharing your story. You've made a very good start. I look forward to following your journey. I found daily posts during early reboot really helped me remain clean and sober from my porn-masturbation-orgasm (PMO) addiction. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

The90daywar

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Re: Thoughts of Peace Not of Calamity
« Reply #2 on: October 19, 2017, 09:34:03 AM »
Welcome friend! Thank you for so courageously and honestly sharing your story. You've made a very good start. I look forward to following your journey. I found daily posts during early reboot really helped me remain clean and sober from my porn-masturbation-orgasm (PMO) addiction. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
Thank you lyon03 for the kind, encouraging words! I will try to fallow your advice on daily posting to help beat this PMO addiction.
« Last Edit: November 16, 2017, 12:41:19 PM by The90daywar »

TakeActionNow

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Re: Thoughts of Peace Not of Calamity
« Reply #3 on: October 19, 2017, 11:48:20 AM »
90,
Your first post already speaks of significant maturity and thoughtfulness. This alone puts you in a very good position for success.
I would say being kind to yourself and having great interest in yourself is probably the most important of all.
Success from addiction is never simply about abstinence. Its about replacing the addiction with something much greater, that of self love.
When you are fully invested and interested in your self development, your focus easily shifts towards behavior and habits beneficial to you.

To love yourself properly requires you to first know yourself. So spend that time knowing all your thoughts and emotions. Ride through them without distraction or denial. Be your own best friend.

You will succeed my friend.
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

The90daywar

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Re: Thoughts of Peace Not of Calamity
« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2017, 11:26:42 PM »


Last night after watching a TV show I wanted to check this Reboot forum out. It was around 11pm and I was tired and up by myself. I got on the laptop and started getting an excited feeling. Then an idea, hey I want to see what actress ___ looks like now. Then I realized my heart was beating faster in anticipation. I knew I was going in the wrong direction. So I closed it and went to bed. I laid there and felt a strong urge for about 5 min. I just started meditating and it slowly went away. I am 100% sure if I would have stayed on the internet I would have PMO. It is so easy --scary. But just as easy to make a choice to go to bed also.

Last night woke up 2 times all horny from erotic dreams. Can't do anything with my wife right now because it is that "time". I just tried to keep my hands off and went back to sleep. I think it was from the porn I watched a few days ago.

Stayed busy today. Was feeling very depressed the whole morning. But I did not have any urges to PMO. Wow that's strange, but I am thankful!
« Last Edit: November 08, 2017, 08:01:27 AM by The90daywar »

The90daywar

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Re: Thoughts of Peace Not of Calamity
« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2017, 01:23:59 AM »
Did good today. Did not feast my eyes on any hot girls I saw today out and about or on TV. because I couldn't handle the triggers. I have had strong urges on and off all day to get on the computer and PMO. As far as TV there are too many shows that are not good for me to watch now. Some commercials trigger me too. So I watched a safe show on Netflix.

I was looking for a good porn blocker to put on my computer but don't want to spend a lot of cash. I tried K9 before but didn't like the way it blocked. then one night I was very determined and just got around it. So Self control may be the best answer.
« Last Edit: November 16, 2017, 12:45:20 PM by The90daywar »

lyon03

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Re: Thoughts of Peace Not of Calamity
« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2017, 09:31:18 AM »
Thanks for sharing my friend. Perhaps your addict self didn't like K9 because it was too effective? Food for thought my friend. Please keep coming back and sharing. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

The90daywar

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Re: Thoughts of Peace Not of Calamity
« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2017, 05:03:25 PM »


I had a good weekend no PMO.
I talked to a confident about my relapsed the week before. After talking I felt a lot better.
The last 6 days I have been dealing with mood swings, anxiety, depression and a bad back ache My brains coping technique was the same as always; an urge to use PMO to relieve my discomfort and make me feel good. I know that does not fix anything but makes things worse, including my back ache from sitting so long at the computer:).
Then I recognized that I was being triggered by something and stopped what I was doing or removed myself from what was triggering me. Sometimes it was a fantasy that my brain was cooking up.
I told my self that this craving wasn't going to last forever. It will go away. That helps me because I used to think "oh this wont go way unless I PMO". But those cravings do go away and are temporary. 
Sometimes I had to tell myself  "I am not a bad person because I feel this way". I have to say that to my self because I start negative self talk for just having those PMO desires.
Then I made the choice to do something positive, relaxing or fun.
I am thankful that I made the right choices this week end and feel very good today and proud of my self.

« Last Edit: November 08, 2017, 08:01:49 AM by The90daywar »

lyon03

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Re: Thoughts of Peace Not of Calamity
« Reply #8 on: October 24, 2017, 01:27:14 AM »
Good on you for making it through the weekend without PMO. You wrote: "The last 6 days I have been dealing with mood swings, anxiety, depression and a bad back ache My brains coping technique was the same as always; an urge to use PMO to relieve my discomfort and make me feel good. I know that does not fix anything but makes things worse, including my back ache from sitting so long at the computer:)" This sounds familiar and a lot like the withdrawal I started to feel, but mine started around the three-week mark if I'm remembering correctly. It does eventually get better my friend. I look forward to your next post/update. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

TakeActionNow

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Re: Thoughts of Peace Not of Calamity
« Reply #9 on: November 03, 2017, 10:32:17 AM »
90,
there's always more than one way to look at the same thing.
dont fault yourself because you were seeking ways of self improvement

what that guy said may be true maybe false.
when i was super clear, i thought porn girls were silly
when i was super horned, every gal could turn me on.
same guy, same visuals, different time, different reactions.

what i'm trying to say is, make every lesson count.
learn from it
because in learning you understand yourself better.

we're only human.
I also slipped several times along the way.
but each time i know myself better.
and with every new learning i have a little something more to guard me better.

if you've learnt something from this experience, then stop punishing yourself.
instead, give yourself a pat in the back !
you've done good !
because you've learnt a new way not to do in the future !

love yourself my friend
not every bad thing is bad
not every good thing is good
its how you see and learn from it... and i think you've done good this time.
dont be so hard on yourself
« Last Edit: November 03, 2017, 10:37:41 AM by TakeActionNow »
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

The90daywar

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Re: Thoughts of Peace Not of Calamity
« Reply #10 on: November 08, 2017, 08:45:17 AM »
Installed a good porn blocker on my home network last week.
I been having problems sleeping sometimes. I have had sexual dreams were I  wake up very horny.  I am in a daze, I guess still half asleep, and instantly plan on using porn. Usually after I wake up more I bring myself back to reality and realize that's the last thing I want to choose to do. But one time I grabbed my phone and tried to open a porn site and the blocker worked. That gave me time to gather my thoughts. So glad I have that bit of safety.

Without porn my conscience is clean and that is a great feeling.
« Last Edit: November 16, 2017, 12:39:47 PM by The90daywar »

The90daywar

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Re: Thoughts of Peace Not of Calamity
« Reply #11 on: November 10, 2017, 10:06:27 PM »
Made it through another day. Not feeling good though. I am close to 2 weeks but feel down. I should be happy but there is a part of me that wants to go back to porn. It's not bothering me as often as the first week but at times it bad like today. I am not going to give up.

The90daywar

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Re: Thoughts of Peace Not of Calamity
« Reply #12 on: November 14, 2017, 01:33:37 PM »
Feeling great today!
Wow physically and psychologically still on a roller-coaster ride. For the last three weeks I have been mostly feeling very bad. Extreme flat line, severe depression, anxiety, irritably, fatigue, extreme brain fog, body aching. Some days wake up feeling good like today I woke up feeling great, but don't know what to expect for the rest of the day or the days ahead.

I like lyon03 last words to every post--PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. I might want to use that if it's okay with him because I think typing it out might help me and it's true -PORN IS NOT AN OPTION!

The90daywar

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Re: Thoughts of Peace Not of Calamity
« Reply #13 on: November 16, 2017, 01:15:29 PM »
90,
Your first post already speaks of significant maturity and thoughtfulness. This alone puts you in a very good position for success.
I would say being kind to yourself and having great interest in yourself is probably the most important of all.
Success from addiction is never simply about abstinence. Its about replacing the addiction with something much greater, that of self love.
When you are fully invested and interested in your self development, your focus easily shifts towards behavior and habits beneficial to you.

To love yourself properly requires you to first know yourself. So spend that time knowing all your thoughts and emotions. Ride through them without distraction or denial. Be your own best friend.

You will succeed my friend.
Thank you TAN for the encouragement. Not knowing myself is a big part of my problem. I am learning to spend the time to recognize all my thoughts that go along with the emotions.

The90daywar

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Re: Thoughts of Peace Not of Calamity
« Reply #14 on: November 16, 2017, 01:41:59 PM »
I need to find some more coping skills when I feel overwhelmed. There are times when I start going to a dark place. I feel physically ill. I feel very depressed with high anxiety. My thoughts are telling me to "just look at some pics of girls or just a YouTube video to just take the edge off". But If I do I will not be able to stop myself from going over the cliff. If not that hour or day it will be the next.
I don't feel that way now because of a relapse.  :-[  But I need to prepare for the next time.