So Very Very Done with Porn and The PIED and Performance Anxiety

jbrighton

Member
This is day 7, apologies for the long post but I need to get this all off my chest.

I'm 27 and I've been addicted to porn since I was young. The first time I saw I was 11 or 12. By the time I was 13 or 14, I would view any chance I got. By 15 when I had a phone, it became a daily habit and eventually a twice a day habit, morning and night. Sometimes more on the weekend.

For about 2 or 3 years now, I've had a never-ending adrenaline rush. I constantly feel it from the time I wake to the time I go to sleep. My bloodwork showed I had about 5 times the normal max in my system but there's absolutely nothing wrong with me physically. And I've finally realized, this is the constant "down" state in between PMO. It's an addiction just like heroin. When not using, you feel miserable. I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out.

The very first time I tried having sex, I couldn't hard and looking back on it, I realize it was performance anxiety due to comparing myself against the men in porn. I've realized I focus so much on how I perform and pleasing the girl that I forget to just enjoy the moment.

It happened with my second girlfriend too and she was absolutely gorgeous. It wasn't until I was about 20 that I could actually get hard enough for long enough to have sex.

I'm a good looking guy, I workout and eat healthy and I've never had any trouble getting girls to go out with me, but I always get performance anxiety, especially with condoms. So by 22 I started buying Viagra online and would use it until I had enough confidence to not need it. But I still needed intense manual stimulation to get hard. I couldn't get hard just from kissing and touching or just from oral. I had to prime myself.

Recently I broke up with a girlfriend who I had been with for about a year. I stopped taking Viagra with her about 6 months before we broke up. [Trigger] I recently started seeing someone else and she's stunning, and every fantasy of mine come true when it comes to the bedroom but I couldn't get hard, even after taking Viagra and that's when I decided enough was enough. Thankfully she's been really patient with me, but I want to be with her so bad it hurts.

Quitting smoking was easier than this. My head hurts, by dick and balls hurt, my stomach hurts, I feel depressed and angry and lazy but full of anxious raging energy all at the same time. I feel paranoid, my mind is racing and I haven't slept all the way through the night since I started. I can barely eat but I always feel hungry, I've had the shakes, chills and hot flashes. My muscles are even starting to ache, mostly in my neck and back and I'm so tense all the time. The adrenaline/anxiety feeling has gone through the damn roof.

But I'm fucking done with losing hours of my life to PMO. I'm done with the PIED, I'm done with the never-ending adrenaline. I'm done with never feeling stimulated in life because my dopamine is so out of whack.

The damage I've done to mind will heal. I've always been able to mentally adapt to things quickly and I've always responded dramatically to any type of chemical change in my system (caffeine, nicotine, prescriptions etc.)

I'm hoping that the trend continues and I can adapt quickly to this. I can deal with the physical nonsense and I keep telling myself my feelings are temporary. My will is strong, but this really sucks.

The next posts won't be so long and crazy but I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this and I needed it out of my system.

 

jbrighton

Member
Retro Gamer said:
I feel you, dude, good job for realising the real problem behind it all. You're doing yourself a world of good by trying to give up PMO. I've also experimented with Viagra, but I've only experimented, I didn't take it long term like you. That stuff is great and you can have an awesome time with a woman on it, but in the long run it will give you problems. Try and steer clear from it. I wish you the best of luck, and don't give up when it gets tough! Eventually you'll reap the benefits and you'll be so glad you've put it all behind you.

Thanks for the reply! I wish I had realized it sooner, but no sense in dwelling. I'm putting it behind me and I'm not gonna slip up. I think I'm already hitting the flatline. I hope so at least. The sooner that's behind me the better.
 

jbrighton

Member
So day 8 and I think I may already be flatlining. I say this because on days 2-5, I would get MW and NW for the first time in years. The only time I would ever get MW/NW would be a day or two after taking Viagra.

The withdrawal effects hit me hard, really fucking hard on days 1 - 6. The urge to PMO was almost overwhelming. So far the withdrawals appear to be tapering down. Still have plenty of brain fog, but it's going away. Today I'm experiencing more clarity.

But back to the flatline... On days 1-5 my D was much bigger when flaccid. Hanging much lower and looser. When I was PMO, it was much smaller generally and felt kind of tight. I was having sexual dreams, which I haven't had in forever and getting MW/NW.

Since day 6 to now, it's gone back to shrinking up. I haven't felt the urge to PMO at all. The dreams have gone, no MW/NW and my D feels almost numb.

Like I said in my first post, I adapt to things quickly so I'm hoping I'm hitting the flatline. I've also reduced my drinking by about 85% over the last couple months and really gotten back into working out which I think has helped. After starting my reboot, I also started doing yoga, meditation and yesterday started doing self-listening therapy for anxiety.

I'm consciously choosing not to replace my addiction with another "healthier" source of dopamine because I want my sensitivity to recover faster.

Just like when I was quitting smoking, the physical symptoms were horrific the first couple days. By the end of the first week, mentally I've became much stronger. I know PMO addiction, from what I've read, appears to be much different than quitting other addictions but so far it's paralleled quitting caffeine (a decade long off and on addiction) and quitting smoking (6 year habit.)

I know it's early and I've got a long ways to go, but I think the thing that's helping me move along is the overwhelming "over it" feeling that I have with PMO. I had started losing my urge to do it before I began rebooting but didn't have the willpower. Now I do.

So fuck you addiction. Bring it on, do your worst. I'm not relapsing.
 

jbrighton

Member
Day 9:

I have such a weird mix of happy/rage energy right now. It's the strangest feeling.

I'm actually in a really good mood, but I also have a really intense urge to punch someone right in the face. The thought of picking a bar fight is very appealing. Not that I'll do it, but it sounds like a lot of fun right now for some reason. Pretty sure it's a dopamine craving. I'm instead going to channel it into doing something out of character for me and I think it just might be karaoke. I like singing but I rarely do it in front of anyone.

The weird thing is, I have an urge for dopamine, but relieving it through PMO hasn't crossed my mind at all. In fact, it's been really easy not to think about PMO. I'm not trying to not think about it, I'm just not.

I've also been reading The Easy Peasy Way https://sites.google.com/site/hackbookeasypeasy/home and it's a pretty fascinating read. From what I've read so far, it boils down to "don't think of yourself as an addict who needs to quit. This creates a forbidden fruit mentality. Instead, be someone who just isn't a PMOer by default." I'm sure that mentality won't work for everyone, but I like it and I think it's working for me.

Some of what he says runs counter to what I've read here and on YBOP, but I actually think they can complement each other quite well.

Physically, the withdrawals seem to be mostly fading. Still have adrenaline, head still feels pressure but it's really gone down. And I did a 5 hour sleep session before waking up instead of the usual 3 it's been the last 9 days so that's good. My penis is still shrunk up and tight but seems to be getting better. Seems to be getting more sensitivity too. I've been using a moisturizing cream to help that along.

All in all, feeling good. I'm going to keep reading The Easy Peasy Way, keep meditating, working out and doing yoga and this week, I may actually go do karaoke 8)
 

Jack Can

Active Member
Dang, I have had nowhere near your levels of withdrawals, good on ya' for staying away despite the shakes! The adrenaline rush you described sounds intense, like you're actually fighting something. As your reboot sounds way more difficult than mine it is hard for me to offer up any advice to you haha.

The quote you posted yesterday from the easy peasy way is something I have definitely experienced but have had troubles vocalizing. That's why I like reading, to get different views from a situation that I was in.

But it sounds like you're doing really good! You seem really aware of your triggers and the science behind it all. Just try not to get into any bar fights haha, people can get really hurt doing that.
 

jbrighton

Member
Jack Can said:
Dang, I have had nowhere near your levels of withdrawals, good on ya' for staying away despite the shakes! The adrenaline rush you described sounds intense, like you're actually fighting something. As your reboot sounds way more difficult than mine it is hard for me to offer up any advice to you haha.

The quote you posted yesterday from the easy peasy way is something I have definitely experienced but have had troubles vocalizing. That's why I like reading, to get different views from a situation that I was in.

But it sounds like you're doing really good! You seem really aware of your triggers and the science behind it all. Just try not to get into any bar fights haha, people can get really hurt doing that.

Yeah the first week sucked but I'm feeling really really good today. I keep saying it's like when I quit smoking, the withdrawals were super intense but they faded quick and never came back.

The adrenaline is actually noticeably less the last couple days. Not quite normal, but much less intense.

I've been soaking up the EasyPeazy method. I have to say, the mentality of it I feel is much better. The biggest takeaway I've gotten from it so far is, you're a non-PMOer as soon as you close your browser and that you aren't actually giving anything up. You're instead gaining freedom. The freedom to choose and live as you feel without being a slave to PMO. I've tried adopting this mentality to other areas of my life and I truly feel happy today, despite a fling of mine, whom I really really liked, calling things off yesterday. Even yesterday I didn't feel the urge to PMO.
 

jbrighton

Member
Day 11:

So yesterday I had my biggest challenge so far. The girl I had been seeing, whom I really really liked, called things off. We were a summer fling while she was off school out of state and now that she's back, she doesn't have the time. I've seen her schedule, it's crazy, plus she's on the dance team so she has no time. Also wants to focus on religion too, she was getting into shortly before she met me and we started hooking up. She says that journey got away from her and she wants to get it back.

At first I was a little depressed, I didn't think things would last forever but I thought they'd go on longer than they did. But after I got over the initial shock, I actually felt good. Like really good.

In the EasyPeazy method, one of the biggest points is that you don't give up anything once you stop PMO. You actually gain everything. You gain your life back, your control back, your freedom back. I tried adopting that to my situation and realized, I was putting way more effort into our tryst and was constantly wondering what's going on with us and how long it would last and blah blah. I think most of the insecurity is from the detoxing, but it doesn't matter. Point is, I didn't feel good even though I really really liked her. Once I realized I hadn't lost anything except the pressure I put on myself and the worrying, I felt fucking amazing and have continued to feel fucking amazing and have had zero urge to PMO.

I feel free.

I have zero bad feelings towards her, we're still talking and will keep in touch by the way. But I've been feeling great. All this week I've been getting out and doing things I haven't done in forever and I love it.

Still in flatline, but it may be getting better I think. Haven't tried testing or anything.

I know I've got a ways to go to get it completely out of my system, but I have no doubts about my ability to accomplish this.
 
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