This is day 7, apologies for the long post but I need to get this all off my chest.
I'm 27 and I've been addicted to porn since I was young. The first time I saw I was 11 or 12. By the time I was 13 or 14, I would view any chance I got. By 15 when I had a phone, it became a daily habit and eventually a twice a day habit, morning and night. Sometimes more on the weekend.
For about 2 or 3 years now, I've had a never-ending adrenaline rush. I constantly feel it from the time I wake to the time I go to sleep. My bloodwork showed I had about 5 times the normal max in my system but there's absolutely nothing wrong with me physically. And I've finally realized, this is the constant "down" state in between PMO. It's an addiction just like heroin. When not using, you feel miserable. I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out.
The very first time I tried having sex, I couldn't hard and looking back on it, I realize it was performance anxiety due to comparing myself against the men in porn. I've realized I focus so much on how I perform and pleasing the girl that I forget to just enjoy the moment.
It happened with my second girlfriend too and she was absolutely gorgeous. It wasn't until I was about 20 that I could actually get hard enough for long enough to have sex.
I'm a good looking guy, I workout and eat healthy and I've never had any trouble getting girls to go out with me, but I always get performance anxiety, especially with condoms. So by 22 I started buying Viagra online and would use it until I had enough confidence to not need it. But I still needed intense manual stimulation to get hard. I couldn't get hard just from kissing and touching or just from oral. I had to prime myself.
Recently I broke up with a girlfriend who I had been with for about a year. I stopped taking Viagra with her about 6 months before we broke up. [Trigger] I recently started seeing someone else and she's stunning, and every fantasy of mine come true when it comes to the bedroom but I couldn't get hard, even after taking Viagra and that's when I decided enough was enough. Thankfully she's been really patient with me, but I want to be with her so bad it hurts.
Quitting smoking was easier than this. My head hurts, by dick and balls hurt, my stomach hurts, I feel depressed and angry and lazy but full of anxious raging energy all at the same time. I feel paranoid, my mind is racing and I haven't slept all the way through the night since I started. I can barely eat but I always feel hungry, I've had the shakes, chills and hot flashes. My muscles are even starting to ache, mostly in my neck and back and I'm so tense all the time. The adrenaline/anxiety feeling has gone through the damn roof.
But I'm fucking done with losing hours of my life to PMO. I'm done with the PIED, I'm done with the never-ending adrenaline. I'm done with never feeling stimulated in life because my dopamine is so out of whack.
The damage I've done to mind will heal. I've always been able to mentally adapt to things quickly and I've always responded dramatically to any type of chemical change in my system (caffeine, nicotine, prescriptions etc.)
I'm hoping that the trend continues and I can adapt quickly to this. I can deal with the physical nonsense and I keep telling myself my feelings are temporary. My will is strong, but this really sucks.
The next posts won't be so long and crazy but I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this and I needed it out of my system.
I'm 27 and I've been addicted to porn since I was young. The first time I saw I was 11 or 12. By the time I was 13 or 14, I would view any chance I got. By 15 when I had a phone, it became a daily habit and eventually a twice a day habit, morning and night. Sometimes more on the weekend.
For about 2 or 3 years now, I've had a never-ending adrenaline rush. I constantly feel it from the time I wake to the time I go to sleep. My bloodwork showed I had about 5 times the normal max in my system but there's absolutely nothing wrong with me physically. And I've finally realized, this is the constant "down" state in between PMO. It's an addiction just like heroin. When not using, you feel miserable. I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out.
The very first time I tried having sex, I couldn't hard and looking back on it, I realize it was performance anxiety due to comparing myself against the men in porn. I've realized I focus so much on how I perform and pleasing the girl that I forget to just enjoy the moment.
It happened with my second girlfriend too and she was absolutely gorgeous. It wasn't until I was about 20 that I could actually get hard enough for long enough to have sex.
I'm a good looking guy, I workout and eat healthy and I've never had any trouble getting girls to go out with me, but I always get performance anxiety, especially with condoms. So by 22 I started buying Viagra online and would use it until I had enough confidence to not need it. But I still needed intense manual stimulation to get hard. I couldn't get hard just from kissing and touching or just from oral. I had to prime myself.
Recently I broke up with a girlfriend who I had been with for about a year. I stopped taking Viagra with her about 6 months before we broke up. [Trigger] I recently started seeing someone else and she's stunning, and every fantasy of mine come true when it comes to the bedroom but I couldn't get hard, even after taking Viagra and that's when I decided enough was enough. Thankfully she's been really patient with me, but I want to be with her so bad it hurts.
Quitting smoking was easier than this. My head hurts, by dick and balls hurt, my stomach hurts, I feel depressed and angry and lazy but full of anxious raging energy all at the same time. I feel paranoid, my mind is racing and I haven't slept all the way through the night since I started. I can barely eat but I always feel hungry, I've had the shakes, chills and hot flashes. My muscles are even starting to ache, mostly in my neck and back and I'm so tense all the time. The adrenaline/anxiety feeling has gone through the damn roof.
But I'm fucking done with losing hours of my life to PMO. I'm done with the PIED, I'm done with the never-ending adrenaline. I'm done with never feeling stimulated in life because my dopamine is so out of whack.
The damage I've done to mind will heal. I've always been able to mentally adapt to things quickly and I've always responded dramatically to any type of chemical change in my system (caffeine, nicotine, prescriptions etc.)
I'm hoping that the trend continues and I can adapt quickly to this. I can deal with the physical nonsense and I keep telling myself my feelings are temporary. My will is strong, but this really sucks.
The next posts won't be so long and crazy but I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this and I needed it out of my system.