Finding myself

Hey All,

had a waaaay to long and confusing story here so I am now editing this to make it more logical and easier to follow:

I'm 25 now and have been an avid porn user since I was 11-12. First started with dial-up modem internet, 56kbs schreeching all the way to deliver some ladies to the young me, then after broadband got to us things have gotten out of hand. The typical story I believe.

I did not have very good success with girls till I was 18 due to my growing anxiety and the way porn had given me a very false impression on what is important in a relationship. Lost my virginity while being 18, albeit not the best way: got into an ugly affair with the girlfriend of my best friend. Made some silly decision there.

First time having sexual intercourse, a very scary effect appeared afterwards making me hating myself and being disgusted with the human body. Honestly have no idea till now what really caused that, but it took me 2-3 relationships to come out of this set of mind.
While having those relationships I still busied myself with PMO.

It was till in 2012 August (when I was 22) when I first met YBOP and decided to stay abstinent for a while. This worked out while staying away 1 year on abroad, but when moving back with my family I have started with MO which led back very fast to PMO.

After graduating university and finding a steady job in 2014, I have ended the year with reuniting with one of my not so close friends, who later became much more than that. This girl is now my girlfriend, and to whom I am really thankful for so many things. She got me over my controversial thoughts regarding having sex. With her I never felt the regret as with others. She gives me all her loving, and I try to support her in all I can.


As a silly decision I have restarted PMO when she started working a lot during the Summer of 2015, before that I was kind of clean for 2-3 months.
This and the constant fatigue we had from work has worn down our relationship a bit, but we still had many meaningful moments together and I could stop watching porn again at the end of the Summer fuelled by these positive things happening.

One thing happened though that have changed a lot. She has applied to a scholarship to East-Asia before we got together, about which's success she was ever doubtful. In the mean time we have decided to move in September 2015 to the neighbouring country (EU style) because I have found any education I could not get in our own. This would have been our first time moving in together, which we both had high hopes of.
But in the end she got accepted to the scholarship, and being honest with herself she accepted this once-in-a-life opportunity. Understanding her motives I went with a full support for her decision.

This has caused the current situation: since end of August we live in the two end of the world: she in Asia, I attending the new university in the new country. After seeing her off at the airport, I did not know what to feel. One hand I was so proud and cheering for her, other side I was quite sad to let her go.
This caused the situation I am trying to end now, which is that in my first days in the I went on a PMO-spree trying to silence my emotions and sadness. It got out of hand, me not caring for myself, not taking a shower and changing clothes either.

Before first classes I have finally decided to get hold of myself. On one hand to be successful in my new life situation, other hand as to be able to be there for her when we finally get to converse through the internet.

So this is my journal. First time since 2012 I fully renounce PMO. This time not just for a year.

Objective: Fill the time I spent with PMO and idling with more useful things: studying, learning more of the language here, coming up with new friends, possibly making my girlfriend a present (such as a poem, song, or a gift to be sent).

Finally got some time to rephrase the first post. It got a bit chaotic first time around.

Feeling more self conscious to start an own journal instead of only posting in others'.

I had a crazy week with first classes, bunch work and some extra long travel times due to not functioning trains lines. Especially the last 2-3 days my sleeping hours were really limited. Now I am working all weekend while a bit stressed for studying for the second-week classes.

The urge to PMO gets high for me I noticed, when I get very tired from conversing in the local language. The last two days we had a Teamwork seminarium with lots of talking and group excercises. My language skills were not prepared for that and my brain tells me to relax with PMO this time.

This won't happen though! Better take a walk later around and clear my head a bit. Also, today I have tried a 5 minutes meditation after months of break. Seemed to calm my emotions.

Your situation sucks, man Talking about the long-distance relationship thing specifically, it's sad.
Still, good for you, deciding to get rid of your addiction.
A week is pretty difficult, especially considering your stressful situation. Keep it up! You're doing really well.

Thanks CrazyFrog357 for the comment, really appreciate it.

Sometimes I feel that it does suck, but then I realize how happy I will be when we meet again next. Cause I have bough plane tickets for end of December and am taking a 2 and half weeks annual leave to spend our Christmas together.  Man can't wait to see that happen and hold her in my arms again.
Also if we keep the relationship, we will both get out stronger from it.

In next two months one of the female friends of both of us will visit me and stay for a few nights. Happy to see her, but I really hope I will be able to only see her as a person by then not as a sexual object.

Day 9

Today felt good. I could wake up early enough to get some study done for my classes and it seems like I will have much more time free this week.

Yesterday I admitted my addiction to one of my close friends from high school. It really came up as a random topic and she was fully supportive which made me feel much better. While a few years back in 2012 when I first went no-fap, I felt like I have a burden I can not tell anyone, now I feel like PMO had a part in who I have become and can talk about it with others if I feel like it.

Also had some success at the university where I have understood lectures and could talk with my classmates much better. Seems like our brain works a bit like a muscle: if trained too much with new language it will go sore, but then will heal itself and will be able to take on more next time.

The prospect of no sex till December when I meet my girlfriend is a bit disheartening. But still that is not such a high priority anyway. My genitalia even after 9 days feel hurting when I think about sex. I actually feel sorry for "him" because of the abuse I did to him.

I'll be off now to write my first C program for class. (Feeling excited  8)) Wishing everyone a successful recovery day.

Hi,

One of the best thing you can do is to join a gym to release the "male rage". Or any other sport if it bores you. You should enjoy it. To motivate yourself, think about the TERRIFIC sex awaiting you. Never got to experience it  -yet - but all comments if you skim through the forum are unanimous in saying that sex after this healthy abstinence is mind-blowing. Having ED when you only have a few days with the loved one is harrowing, I suppose.

Moreover, if you are consistent with sports, you'll have an additional present for her: your body 

Hi Alexis,

thanks for the support, I'm really thankful for it.
Yes it is true that even if staying clean for a few months your sex experience can improve by many levels. That is my goal, and also to keep my brain working instead of being clouded in a numb fog.

Day 10

It seems like my connections are starting to form with my seminar mates and being in school is quite interesting. Now I would so much like to learn more but I feel like having no more energy left. Guess I'll do a few push-ups and go to bed.

The urge today was worse than before. But also felt more natural attraction towards some girl I've seen on the street. Which means instead of the urge to M, I have felt the urge to imagine me having sex with them. That's a step in a better direction I suppose. Still I believe it's better for me not to think about any sexual thoughts for a few more weeks.

Oh and continuing on the non-sex line: my parents came to visit to me and I have showed them a bit around. This was a big plus, always loved to be the tour guide. What worries me that my father seems to be having much worse problems with walking due to some nerve being stuck in his waist, than he had the last time I was home. That was only 3-4 weeks before damn. I'm really urging him to try out some easier yoga classes (as he is also overweight, do not want to make him overwork) before his state will further deteriorate. He's still to young to be immobilized! Or better said, you are always too young to be immobilized!

Wishing for all the best...

Day 11

My urges are getting desperate. At one of our classes, mathematical functions on the computer made me think about how amazing it would be to code a porn game, and how amazing it would be to PMO to something I personally made. Since then my mind is screaming to make me rub one out. When numbers start you on a track to thinking of masturbation, that's weird huh?  ;D But no worries, sees like I am currently still in charge. Only effect the urges have on me if that I regularly forget what I was doing on my PC, thus spending a bit more in front of it.

Started doing some exercises daily. As I am now mostly working for home, I am planning to enact a "5 min break each hour" rule in which I will be able to do some pushups, pullups and such. A have a pullup bar placed by the previous guy who lived here just in the window. Only did pullups there during night as during the day I felt like being embarrassed by all the clerks seeing my from the city bureau from the other side of the street. Though thinking again about it, might be fun to show off for them haha.

Curious when the flatline will set it. Last time it lasted around 6-9 months which felt extremely long. Maybe my body will be OK with less rest this time around?

Day 15

Hey guys, was silent for a few days...
Had an eye opening time in more than one thing.

3 days ago  I have spent 5 EUR to buy a 5 big muffins all of which I ate super fast in one sit. Ended up nearly throwing up and being a zombie all the day.
This made me think of all the choices I make in nutrition and how I basically eat worthless food all the time spending extra money on cookies and hamburgers.

Decided to end it all, took up excercising and cooking all healthy meals made of different kinds of vegetables and lean meat. Went 180 degrees with this in just one day, but so far I have been greatly enjoying it. Currently feeling the withdrawals of not eating something sugary or big amounts of meat. This luckily takes my mind off the no-PMO part especially as I decided to fast 1 day due to not being hungry in the last months (jut fed myself even if I wasn't)

Plusz it seems like flatline has arrived, but feeling like I have much more energy for everything else. Started to apologise to friends I have ditched due to fapping instead of meeting them. Feeling like I will have a few though explanations to make... Decided to be truthful and come out of the closet. Giving them the respect of admitting my addiction is the way to honour our friendship, with the added extra effect that I should get so disgusted describing my prior porn-viewer days that it will help me on the long run to keep myself clean.

So this is all with my in the last past days. Big changes, hoping for the best.
How has it been going for you?

zuzaman said:

Decided to end it all, took up excercising and cooking all healthy meals made of different kinds of vegetables and lean meat. Went 180 degrees with this in just one day, but so far I have been greatly enjoying it. Currently feeling the withdrawals of not eating something sugary or big amounts of meat. This luckily takes my mind off the no-PMO part especially as I decided to fast 1 day due to not being hungry in the last months (jut fed myself even if I wasn't)

Click to expand...

100% worth it. Trust me
The cool thing with this is that your body starts to appreciate healthy food for its health benefits, and to recognise junk food for what it is.
At this point most trashy food has lost all allure for me. Chocolate is too rich, most sweets are far too ... sweet, cheeseburgers etc are just disgusting. All because I've been eating healthier, and my body's come to realise what's actually good for it. Oh, and exercise, too.

How are things man?
How's that healthy food thing going?
Hope everything's good.

Hey FreeSoul and CrazyFrog357,

Thanks for checking in. Always good to hear your comments.

@FreeSoul
I honestly believe that sharing your addiction with friends honour your relationship. I am not saying that you should go around telling everyone, but if there a few truthful friends around you knowing your true situation they can help you a lot. For me it also helped explaining why I have ignored on my good friends for so much. Really this process with PMO as symptom resulted in ditching so many of my friends. Now I am trying to rebuild the past relationships or making new friends. Surprisingly hard work sometimes 

C is going good, that is the biggest enjoyment I have from all of my classes. Just installed a new compiler I can play with tonight, yey
You are right about us not having a control over our parents' life. Nevertheless, I will give him some pointers and try to motivate him in changing his lifestyle. He seems to be aware that he needs a change.

@CrazyFrog357
You know it's amazing how easily I can ignore these good signs produced by the excercise. Went half week being totally lazy and not really moving. This did make me feel worse than before, but still it took me massive willpower to start moving again yesterday. After that I have a much better mood. Guess the key is in making this a habit. Plus: "When feeling sad, train. When feeling joyful, train. Whenever you are in doubt, train." - Or something like this I have once heard in a random anime.

Agree 100% with the part with trashy food having charm any more. Biggest feast I did this week was to go to a all-you-can-eat sushi place and found even looking at the desserts too much for my stomach.
Do you base your meals on vegetables? Sometimes I feel difficult to do so, going to the market all the time and choosing the better quality stuff takes so much time.


Day 22

Found TheUnderdog's post in Darius' journal: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0
Really good material. Even if you already read it, it's good to go through it again.

Reading through it again really made sense now to me.
My goal here has never been simply to stop PMO. This addiction is only symptom, which I am starting to understand each day better. When I think of my personal relationships which I have devastated in the past completely intentionally, or me shadowing myself and blocking my emotions as I could not control them. These are more of a cause to my previous suffering than PMO!

Looking back to the last week not even the thought of relapsing has crossed my mind. Felt urges sometimes, had 2 wet dreams but this did not make me feel insecure at all. I really do not care about relapsing or not now. Feeling like I have more urgent challanges, such as understanding my emotions or being productive.

There has been lately pretty steep changes in my mood (for ex. issues with the ongoing long-distance relationship) and also experiencing a feeling of emptiness in myself the lest few days. All part of the road I am on I guess.

Even though I have lots of stuff I should be doing every day, still feel like I should take up some hobbies. This is why I am happy that in the 2nd week of October I will finally have a chance to move my girlfriend's guitar here from my ex-flat. I have promised her that I will play at least 2 notes on it.

Any guitar players around here? Do you think it's still worth giving it a shot even if I can only play like 10 mins per day?

Ok I just have to write this down somewhere.

Think I'm giving my girl too much push lately. She's been extra busy the last week with lots of going on. She played her first concert out there, modeled for a painting and went to the ocean 2 times, taking part in a reaggie festival. We chatted a bit on Tuesday when she wrote to me just after her concert explaining how amazing it was.

We wrote to each other a few sentences Saturday after the beach and before the festival. Saturday I wrote her a longer text telling her what happened with me since, with work and school and friends. When she got back from festival she promised to read it later because she was very tired.

Today she sent me a smiley with a heart as a reply. To this I have written her back asking for a skype talk next week as I know she's very busy now.
I know she read this but did not answer yet. Saw her one Skype today where she told me she was talking with her sister. Seems like she went to bed without answering. (no wonder as it was around 4AM already there) But still that also hurts.

I feel like she's ignoring me but on the other hand I know this is not true. I know how easy it is to get lost in all the new emotions and experiences in a new country with such a diverse culture (been there done that), but damn being here alone on the other side is no fun at all.
I sense her being fill of her happy moments there and she has much much more time less for me than before. Which I understand but feeling crap, and from time to time jealous.

Please somebody tell me to get my stuff together and stop feeling hurt everytime I see her online just not talking to me. I really think I can hurt our relationship a big time always sending her wall of texts. I think I'm going too overboard on this. Plus I also know she has limited access to internet on her mobile.

This is just so bad, feels so bad. I miss her so much. It's soon going to be 1 month, and still 3 more to go before I visit her.
God I hope I do not mess things up before seeing her. I know how much she loves me and I know her since we were 16. She's not the person to just flip over to another guy in a month. Still I feel jealous of the people she spends time with. Seems like I let myself think too much...

I think I will leave her alone for a few days then will only ask for a skype conversation where I will promise her to harass her less with texts but will in exchange ask for her to tell me straight up to leave her a bit in peace when she's busy.  Also will ask her if she would like to set any more rules. But we really ought to set some rules I think... Do you guys think this is a good idea?

Damn I need support in this much more than with PMO...

Wow this was an intense emotional breakdown. Ended up on a 1-on-1 chat website where there are Listeners helping the ones asking for support.

My Listener was super kind and basically advised me to calm me down. I have set up a goal to leave my girl alone for a few days, stop sending messages, and then ask her for a skype conversation where I'll tell her my feelings and how I have this rollercoster about our current relationship, which I believe is part of my reboot. Will ask for her feelings and discuss how we should go ahead from now on.

Also I cried minutes while chatting to this guy. It was years since I last cried... wow it was so freeing to finally let my emotions free.

Now I was singing to myself. Feeling massively relieved. Whew... time to go to sleep soon...

Wow man I can only say it again, your situation sucks. I don't think I'd be able to stomach that.
How long is she going to be gone for anyway?
Just don't forget you have your own life, with your own interests and activities. Involve yourself more in that, distract yourself. Do stuff. It helps.

I know it can be tough to fight with this addiction while life serves you lemons and you so badly need a relief, be it ephemeral. But instead of seeing the no PMO challange as a burden, see it as an opportunity, as a battle you've got to win. It is this fight that will, maybe, eventually, provide you with the focus  and drive you need. And WINNING that battle, crushing this weakness of yours to the ground, well, this will make you feel fucking awesome!

So good luck buddy, quitting is not an option 

Hi guys,

thanks for the comments. Really appreciate it.

Yes, looking back now to my posts it has been a weird weekend with some emotional twists. But now it all feels better, plus I did not feel any urge to relapse even during the worst moments which sounds good.

She's going to be away for a little less than a year so there are still around 10 months to go... guess it will get better later on once we both get used to it. Plus I'm visiting her in December and also thinking about visiting again during the Summer before she comes back. I have the money just need to get some leave from the company and find the time when the school is already over (middle of July earliest).

I have realised that turning off facebook and any other social sites during studying and working from home helps a lot. This both helps my productivity and stops me from checking always if she's online. Better to mind my own business as you have said CrazyFrog357. When thinking about it, I have much do to instead of whining over something that can not be changed.

Alexis, indeed it seems like the main issue is that I can not "solve" my stressful situations by PMO-ing. Or having sex with my girlfriend, which now I have realized acted as a PMO-substitute for months! I remember being super pushy with her when I had a bad day, and did not really care if she was tired... making her feel guilty about rejecting me.

While I do want to change this behaviour and be a different person for my own cause and to be a better man for her, I do not feel that my real battle would be with PMO actually and I tell you why:

PMO is only a symptom in my life of something I believe I have carried years long. For example I have problems emotionally expressing myself (while generally have no problem socially) and my feelings are very numb usually. Probably the real battle here is to get to know myself. Through training, through some calm moments. They ways are limitless. It really depends on yourself which one you feel is the most fitting to you.


So all in all, that's the current situation. Going to skype with her on Thursday. We'll surely have lots to discuss.

Thank you guys for being here. It helps a lot you know.

The last few weeks have been busy with work. Our regional team(2 people) is getting two other guys who will be working with us in a part of their shifts. Even if they do that for a few hours, it will be great help. So now I am training them in to the processes.

The training and meetings are a challenge I have never really had a part in before in my job and this feels frightening on one hand, but also as an amazing opportunity. The first time did not go so well, but my boss is supportive and believes I will do better later.

First test is coming next Wednesday. Ahh I am procastrinating today not wanting to start... but I have to! So After this post I'll do my workout in order to reset my brain after 12 working hours of looking at the laptop. God I always feel numbed if working for more than 6 hours...

Oh and : 2 months and 12 days to meet my girl again. Counting the days 

Making the best of a bad situation Good job.
And your work is challenging you to stretch and develop yourself as a person, which is great, even though it can be scary.
How was the Skype chat with your gf?

CrazyFrog,

guess we are here for in eachothers' journal to ask some hard questions 

The talk last time and again today did not go so well. Felt more like disastrous.  Feeling emotionally drained and hurt by the ongoing things between us. A big thanks goes to my friends who I could talk with today, and who listened to me.

I decided to f@ck it and not care that much any more. I have been really acting dumb lately with going super emotional about what she does or not.  Which had of course a negative effect on our conversation. Furthermore, this started to impact my whole life, my performance getting worse.  This has to stop, or else we will have no chance to revive this relationship plus I'll go into a personal crisis. That sounds like not the kind of party I'd like to go to...

Time to let her go a bit, have her own time and fun there. Not whine to her about all of it and be more responsible for my feelings. This will definitely leave a "hole" in my life, but it is time to fill it up with friends and more activities. I have taken up for example to learn the guitar and attend first meditation class Thursday.

I am running ahead now. Looking back to the ways how I did things before, I only see everything falling apart.