So, quick background:
- PMO from very early on
- have struggled with quitting since late teens, as I never found PMO to be in line with me being a Christian
- started suffering from PIED, loss of libido and performance anxiety (due to the PIED and the decreasing libido) a few years ago
- came across TED video and YBOP a year or so ago
- tried to quit by just quitting, same result as before, would relapse once a week on average
- signed up for nofapacademy 90 days, and I am currently at day 78, no relapses
The first sign something was off was that I started losing wood in the middle of the act, right out of nowhere. Then I started having ED issues and libido issues also when doing PMO. I started to feel more and more desensitised, both physically and emotionally (not getting turned on, or quickly losing interest). Also, in cases where I got partially interested in my mind, there would still be no response down there. This kept on getting worse as time went by. At the end of all that, before I got into the 90 day program, I was at a point where I would most often not be able to MO, sometimes not even M. I never turned to extreme stuff or so, but rather found myself unhappy and more and more asexual.
Btw, I have been checked by an MD/urologist, incl check of my testosterone levels. Nothing physically wrong with me, his assessment was that this is a psychological thing / performance anxiety related, a view that I partially share. He did not mention the possibility of PIED, neither did I, as I figured that wouldn?t be within his normal lines of thought anyway.
My wife has never been stuck on porn, but a bit on reading erotic stuff and fapping as well. A week into the course it was time for me to talk with my wife about the PMO etc. We had a very good talk, and she both supported me AND decided that she should do nofap for the remaining part of the 90 days as well, as she had her issues too. We also decided on hard mode, first with an opening for opting out on hard mode, and then halfway (after having sex once, although not intercourse) we decided to really go for hard mode for the remaining 45 or so days. And here we are.
The process was rather typical I guess. At first urges, and worries about not making it. And then gradually coming into the zone, and just doing what I should, and not the least - not doing what I shouldn?t. After a while I started getting night and morning wood, sometimes spectacular ones. Last time I had serious morning wood a week or so ago, it would point upwards for more than an hour, until I started reading something boring and it finally gave up
I also have had some dreams at night about sex, which I haven?t had since being in my late teens, or maybe early twenties.
I?ve spent a lot of time looking around for input on rewiring with a spouse, and found lots of good stuff here on the forum. Not so worried as I was initially about the rewiring with wifey. We?ve spent some time just doing stuff, as well as cuddling (which, to be true, requires some discipline in order to not have it turning into sex). As things stand right now, we are rather keen on getting on with it and having sex, but we have decided to wait until we pass the 90 day mark, there?s no rush, really.
So next phase then, obviously, will be starting to have sex again. The way I picture it now is having sex without the pressure (worries about not dropping the wood, getting to O, etc), enjoying the here and now, and just let things evolve. The worries I mentioned used to have me reviving memories of porn and so on, in order to stay hard etc. So basically, we are about to rediscover how to have good old fashioned sex. Looking forward to it, and will share here as time goes by. One main challenge remains unchanged - the one of actually getting the time and place to do this, both due to our work schedules, as well as having teenagers at home who seem to never sleep.
Looking forward to input from you fellows here in the forum, especially on rewiring with SO.