nothing really matters

i finally found a ok job. i work as a mover, its very hard but im okay with that. im not working too long hours and if i do i get paid properly. i can finally drink and eat whatever i want, i have free time, i can buy stuff i want, when im hanging out with friends i can pay for everything, i can pay bills, i can save, i can buy something for the house etc. sounds like a lot of money, its not but its great money for someone who was broke since the beginning. i got girl who is into me, im healthy, im working out, im satisfied with my looks. cant have it all (or can we?) but im definitely "happy" about my current circumstances. this is something i been wanting forever.

im discovering about new depths of depression. i feel worse with each new thing i achieve. its like im just confirming to myself that nothing really matters.

i dont want anything no more, except 1 more thing. i want to quit porn. 01.avg was my last time so its 9 days now. i feel like thats the only thing left for me to do on this planet in this lifetime... its not exciting goal, nothing is. nothing excites me but its the goal for me to achieve once and for all. i dont know how im gonna do it. actually watching porn is the only thing that gives me REAL pleasure. everything else is very dull and numb.

its not like i havent been trying. before these 9 days i was clean for 10 days and so on. i have binge periods of 2-3 days but always struggling to quit. i tried everything thats why i dont know how im gonna do this. still, its the one thing left for me to do.

I would say once and for all mentality is not helpful.
It is a life time struggle.
Almost 99.9% percent humans struggle with sexual pleasure in their life at some point.
One day at a time.
Black and white mentality is not good.
Just keep improving yourself.
Porn will lose its grip on you.
The more better you make your life, lesser will be the the magnet of porn.

its been 4 years, grip is increasing the longer i struggle with it. first time i went 9 months clean, now it seems impossible. i must be done with it once and for all, helpful or not.

In terms of nothingness. During my long meditation and spiritual journey i came to realization that nothing matters and everything is empty and meaningless. It can cause a depression and mood swings if this process is taken unconciously. Later on it faded away and all this nothingness turned into pure love. Keep your meditation practice ON on a daily bases and it will establish soon if u still witness such a issue.

Nikola, if you are that damn serious this time.
Then put filters on your iPhone, computer and burn the password.
And forget it forever.
You will have to sacrifice a lot to reach there.
I am trying to do same, but looks like I will also have to do it once and for all