Trekking to Freedom

BigMog

Active Member
Hi, I'll keep this as brief as I can. I'm in my late fifties and porn has been a problem for me for a long time. I've descended down the usual slippery slope that I've seen described many times, from seeing arousing photos in Sunday supplements or Women's magazines when I was a teen or even younger and "MOing" to them, through "girly" magazines, then video, and then, in the internet age, to dial-up and eventually the firestorm of broadband and streaming sites that have been, I guess, equivalent to me squirting heroine directly into my eyes.

I have wasted countless hours, days and weeks over the years on this appalling yet ridiculous habit. It?s not just the time wasted while edging and "PMOing", it?s the lethargy, lack of confidence and the shame that affects the rest of my life and in some ways the people I love, which is so damaging and wasteful.

Having said that, I believe, I?m incredibly lucky. I am married and have a family and whereas there is little physical relationship with my wife, we are still OK. I?ve managed to keep a reasonable job and I have some interests and contacts outside work and family. I?ve had no traumatic childhood experiences or real tragedies in my adult life that I can see may have made me more susceptible to falling into this bad habit. I have no other addictions, no drink, no drug problems. For whatever reasons, fortunately, I?ve never been drawn into chat rooms or risky behavior in the real world. But I?ve not succeeded yet in kicking this habit into touch and I sometimes worry that it may escalate so I end up, say, losing my job and my family.

2018 has been better than some previous years. It started very well with a 66 day hard-mode streak, sustained by reading the Your Brain on Porn book and website and RebootNation posts as well as using a Mindfulness Meditation app. I?ve been what I think is described in some places as a ?lurker,? that is, reading other posts here regularly without joining the forum and making posts myself.  Well, now I?ve broken cover and here I am.

I finally started this journal, after putting it off for months, because I?ve just had a series of binges which means that 2018 has finished poorly and I clearly need to up my game to beat this problem. From what I?ve read, journaling and interacting with others is a good additional tool to use.

If my journal is of any use to others, just by showing that if I can do it then anyone can, I?d be delighted.

Thanks for reading this. It is far too long I know, but it gives my background. I?ll aim to keep future posts much shorter.

 

joepanic

Respected Member
Welcome aboard BigMog

                            Our stores are quite similar in the route we took to get here  mags  video  internet streaming  exc I also have a family and for the whole time they have no idea  I am fighting this  my wife knew I "surfaced a little porn"  but it has never affected our relationship and I don't plan to tell her  I am very close to winning the battle for good  I began on Dec 23 2017 by finding this site.
Prior to that date I would pmo  PMO  roughly 3-4 times a week sometimes for 4 5 or even6 hours  and on occasion even longer  My tastes  became ever more kinky  and wild. I would probably pmo  in and around 250-300 times a year  For all of 2018  I had some pretty long clean  streaks  I think my longest  was like 115 days  and a few good  streaks in and around the 30 day ranges  all the while  finding less kink interests  and much shorter  sessions usually in and around the 20 minute mark  I think in 2018 I pmo perhaps 20 times  and    my latest streak is coming  up around the  23 day mark    At the moment its quite amazing that I have  zero urges  to look at P at all    I have also being telling myself its time to get into shape and have been working steadily at that and seeing some real results    I don't know what the magic button  is to push to end this horrible addiction  but time  education and a finding enough personal reasons to want a change seems to have been my recipe  And I really think looking back on all the wasted opportunities due to the endless hours spent on p  seemed to me to be the biggest reason  Once I scaled it back drastically I found I was able top really pursue some other interests  and from there it has been snowballing itself it the right direction  Its great that you got a start and want to continue on  Hope to read more about your small victories  as we all work to beat this down and win

        Post often it helped me it will help you
 
 

BigMog

Active Member
Thanks, joepanic, I really appreciate the reply!

I remember reading your posts earlier in the year and being motivated by them. Reading your reply just now, I can see you?ve made brilliant progress in 2018. Great work! I?m impressed by the small number of slips and even when you have slipped, you?ve managed to keep it short and climb out of the hole quite quickly and get back on track. To me that implies there's been some good, strong re-wiring going on,
  I aim to follow your lead if I can. For 2018, I've had about 40 PMO compared with 60-70 the previous year and more in previous years.  So. I'm heading slowly in the right direction.  Early days for me I know but?.

2 days clean.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Good morning BigMog

    Thanks for keeping in touch  Your numbers say the same as you are def moving in the right direction      Yes The year has been a great learning experience and I think that is something we all might have to go through  For me its not so much beating down urges or avoiding triggers(al is although there is the occasional one)It is more just a general  keeping on track of building a new me    Getting in shape has been a tremendous help as  it required a ton of reading to learn how to really eat properly and exercise properly without spending a fortune  on a gym membership  As always coming here is also a help  in that I can spend a fair amount of time reading of others struggles  and there achievements    I have basically learned to stay away from the partners area though as my wife has no idea of my addiction and it has never affected out sex life or family life  But I read many other of the men's journals and give support  back  I hope your day goes well  I think mine will as I have a 4 hour drive round strip to pick up the kids from Grandma and Grandpas  I love making the drive  and it will take up most of my day so def no P today and each day that goes past the addiction becomes weaker


        Post often it helps me it will help you
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Keep at it BigMog  Staying busy def helps  I found as time went by I could start to think in terms of the bigger plan  for my life  as your mind becomes more clear  you get to make  better decisions  and the fight becomes easier

    Fight the good fight  for yourself 1st  than for everyone else


      Post often it helped me it will help you
 

BigMog

Active Member
Something I noticed at the beginning of other streaks and again today is that my last slip seems like a lifetime ago, even though it was less than a week. Also, I can't remember the specific videos I watched. (Not that I'm going to try to bring them to mind!). I'm hoping these are good signs but can't explain them.


No significant urges yet, but I know it's early days-my body and brain are probably still recovering from a bit of a binge.

Trying to get back into good self disciplined habits such as only using iPad for specific useful tasks and otherwise keeping it out of easy reach on a high shelf. Also need to get back into regular use of the mindfulness App that I have.

6 Days Clean.
 

Detente

Active Member
BigMog said:
Something I noticed at the beginning of other streaks and again today is that my last slip seems like a lifetime ago, even though it was less than a week.

Yeah, I get that feeling too. After just a few days out,  it seems like ages ago. And when I'm clean and more focused and just going through day-to-day life, it's hard to believe I actually did what I did during a relapse. It's like a completely different person was doing that.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Nice going BigMog    your at the 1 week point    always nice to reach  a small summit    What do you have to fill your time with  I have been trying to learn more musical scales  Its a little mundane  but its something I should have done 30 years ago almost    I pushed hard this year musically and had a bunch of revelations as to how music worked and it really opened things u[p  and has been motivating me  I know plan the night before to learn something really small  I find this easy goal mentality sometimes allows me to  drift into a bigger goal

      Hope all is well  and Ill keep reading your progress


      Post often it helped me it will help you
 

BigMog

Active Member
Thanks for the comments D?tente and joepanic.

Detente, nice to know someone else experiences that. In a way, perhaps it is a different person or at least a different part of the brain i.e. the limbic system hijacking us for an immediate reward.

joepanic, yes I've gradually been replacing the bad habits with good activities. I'm getting fitter and reading more, also trying to make sure I get to bed at reasonable times. Nothing good or useful happens if I stay up late.

I think I'm heading in the right direction but I'm definitely still a work in progress.

8 Days Clean


 

BigMog

Active Member
So I'm at 10 days, a small milestone I hope on the road to 100 and beyond! So far, so good. No significant urges. I've occasionally caught myself fantasizing but when I've become aware of it I've been able to let it go. I think meditation and mindfulness practice has helped with that.

I'm away from home for work next week. Pressure has become rather intense on a project I'm working on and I need to ensure that I don't get stressed and slip-up with the excuse that it's to relieve the stress. Times when I get anxious or demoralized are, I know from previous experience, when I'm most vulnerable.

Having said that, also when things have gone really well at work or in other aspects of life and I'm on a good streak, part of the brain says something like, "you're doing really well in so many ways and after all you've got the PMO problem beaten, so a bit of PMO to reward yourself won't do much harm!" A few hours later, usually well after midnight, when I'm exhausted and miserable, I don't have the same opinion.

So, in short I must keep calm and vigilant.

Keep up the good fight!



 

BigMog

Active Member
Doing OK. Keeping busy. Packing for work trip away next week. I'm a bit tense about the trip for several reasons but aim to stay calm and meditate with the app I use at some point each evening. I've also downloaded some good TV programs I want to watch on the iPad and have a couple of books with me that I know I'll enjoy as well as my Kindle. Also I've packed some gym kit, so will at least use some of my free time to help with my fitness goals. I know the hotel I'll be staying at doesn't have porn channels, which is good so one major temptation isn't there for me. There is free soft porn intermittently on some of the free channels later on, but some of the meditation techniques should help me avoid this. e.g. if I'm tempted, I'll be aware of the feeling and know that it is really just a false message from my limbic system telling me I really need that fix. I will try not to fight it, just experience or observe it almost like I'm an outsider. I know on occasions this has worked and the craving just subsides.
Making sure I ring the family and speak to them every evening should help too
However difficult I find my work situation, even if I feel I've made mistakes or not handled things well or failed in some way, I want to avoid spiralling down into dejection followed by PMO.

Anyway, good luck to everyone in this fight over the coming days.

11 Days Clean.




 

Rex

Active Member
BigMog said:
Doing OK. Keeping busy. Packing for work trip away next week. I'm a bit tense about the trip for several reasons but aim to stay calm and meditate with the app I use at some point each evening. I've also downloaded some good TV programs I want to watch on the iPad and have a couple of books with me that I know I'll enjoy as well as my Kindle. Also I've packed some gym kit, so will at least use some of my free time to help with my fitness goals. I know the hotel I'll be staying at doesn't have porn channels, which is good so one major temptation isn't there for me. There is free soft porn intermittently on some of the free channels later on, but some of the meditation techniques should help me avoid this. e.g. if I'm tempted, I'll be aware of the feeling and know that it is really just a false message from my limbic system telling me I really need that fix. I will try not to fight it, just experience or observe it almost like I'm an outsider. I know on occasions this has worked and the craving just subsides.
Making sure I ring the family and speak to them every evening should help too
However difficult I find my work situation, even if I feel I've made mistakes or not handled things well or failed in some way, I want to avoid spiralling down into dejection followed by PMO.

Anyway, good luck to everyone in this fight over the coming days.

11 Days Clean.

Great work staying clean! And fantastic job going over in your head all the triggers that could encounter on your trip and how you will combat them. Having a battle strategy ready is very important since its when we are unprepared and begin to falter is where the trouble starts.  Keep up the great work!
 

BigMog

Active Member
Hi Rex, Many thanks for your encouraging post! Unfortunately, I was just about to add the paragraphs below to my journal when I saw you'd posted.

So, I got to Day 16 then had a fairly major slip of several hours PMO. The working week which I was concerned about went just about OK, but arriving back very late from abroad to the house where the rest of the family were in bed, I let my guard down.  :mad:
I'm trying to assess what went wrong so I can try to avoid this situation in future. A slip like this is a fairly familiar story for me.

When I had my 66 day run this time last year I think part of the success was due to daily visits to RN and YBOP etc which reminded me every day of my commitment to this journey. In the last week, although I ensured my limited free-time was safe, wholesome and useful, I only briefly visited RN and didn't add to my journal or do my mindfulness practice from the app I use. I know I need to do those daily routines to fight this battle, but sometimes when things are going well or I'm really busy, I skip them which stores up trouble in the future for me e.g. yesterday when I got back home.

It wasn't that I had been fighting cravings for hours. I just had a trigger, a response and then the wrong action from me and within a few minutes, almost before I knew it I was sliding down the funnel. The mental process went along the lines of "The supplier has just turned on the new fiber connection" (which I now need for work and is helpful for the rest of the family since the previous connection had got very slow). "Oh, this broadband speed test website says the broadband is 10x faster. Wow, that means I should be able to see the difference in all sorts of ways, like how quickly videos load and play. I'll just play a couple of YouTube videos on my iPad to see....." I'm sure you can guess the rest of the familiar descent into bad decisions and PMO oblivion. To quote that great philosopher Homer Simpson: "Doh!"

To reduce the opportunity for these almost absent-minded slips I will, as well as aiming to be more rigorous in keeping up my RN, YBOP and mindfulness, make it more cumbersome for me to disable the restrictions on my iPad. I actually need to be able to adjust them sometimes as the default setting sometimes restricts useful, perfectly respectable websites. I don't want my wife as the keeper of the passcode as I know in the past this has been upsetting for her. I'll continue reducing the amount of time I spend on the iPad anyway. (I'm almost thinking I need to get rid of it completely; it is very useful and convenient but it is a weak link in my armour. I have other pieces of IT kit that I use, but as they are linked to work I've never used them for porn. Fortunately, even with the craziness of PMO, I'm not so far gone that I would risk instant dismissal by using work items to indulge my addiction).

I'm disappointed in myself but hope I can use this positively. I really want to avoid the chaser effect that could turn this into a series of binges.

I'm happy to receive suggestions for useful tips for recovery from anyone.

Keep Trekking!

0 Days clean
 

Rex

Active Member
BigMog said:
Hi Rex, Many thanks for your encouraging post! Unfortunately, I was just about to add the paragraphs below to my journal when I saw you'd posted.

So, I got to Day 16 then had a fairly major slip of several hours PMO. The working week which I was concerned about went just about OK, but arriving back very late from abroad to the house where the rest of the family were in bed, I let my guard down.  :mad:
I'm trying to assess what went wrong so I can try to avoid this situation in future. A slip like this is a fairly familiar story for me.

When I had my 66 day run this time last year I think part of the success was due to daily visits to RN and YBOP etc which reminded me every day of my commitment to this journey. In the last week, although I ensured my limited free-time was safe, wholesome and useful, I only briefly visited RN and didn't add to my journal or do my mindfulness practice from the app I use. I know I need to do those daily routines to fight this battle, but sometimes when things are going well or I'm really busy, I skip them which stores up trouble in the future for me e.g. yesterday when I got back home.

It wasn't that I had been fighting cravings for hours. I just had a trigger, a response and then the wrong action from me and within a few minutes, almost before I knew it I was sliding down the funnel. The mental process went along the lines of "The supplier has just turned on the new fiber connection" (which I now need for work and is helpful for the rest of the family since the previous connection had got very slow). "Oh, this broadband speed test website says the broadband is 10x faster. Wow, that means I should be able to see the difference in all sorts of ways, like how quickly videos load and play. I'll just play a couple of YouTube videos on my iPad to see....." I'm sure you can guess the rest of the familiar descent into bad decisions and PMO oblivion. To quote that great philosopher Homer Simpson: "Doh!"

To reduce the opportunity for these almost absent-minded slips I will, as well as aiming to be more rigorous in keeping up my RN, YBOP and mindfulness, make it more cumbersome for me to disable the restrictions on my iPad. I actually need to be able to adjust them sometimes as the default setting sometimes restricts useful, perfectly respectable websites. I don't want my wife as the keeper of the passcode as I know in the past this has been upsetting for her. I'll continue reducing the amount of time I spend on the iPad anyway. (I'm almost thinking I need to get rid of it completely; it is very useful and convenient but it is a weak link in my armour. I have other pieces of IT kit that I use, but as they are linked to work I've never used them for porn. Fortunately, even with the craziness of PMO, I'm not so far gone that I would risk instant dismissal by using work items to indulge my addiction).

I'm disappointed in myself but hope I can use this positively. I really want to avoid the chaser effect that could turn this into a series of binges.

I'm happy to receive suggestions for useful tips for recovery from anyone.

Keep Trekking!

0 Days clean


BigMog,

Your doing great, you fell but you have gotten right back on the wagon.  This is very hard to do.  The problem I always had is after falling after a reboot I always went into a PMO marathon which led to the next PMO marathon and then the next PMO marathon. Sometimes it would take me 6 months or a year or more before I would be able to get back on the wagon and reboot again. I have been free from PMO for 110 days now, I went 10 days before that free from PMO and then I fell in mid-September 2018, I realized that I had to get back on the wagon immediately and I have been on the wagon the last 110 days.  It was the first time I was able to jump right back on the wagon.  It's so difficult but it's a must to go right back on the wagon and not fall into a PMO marathon. 

Keep thinking about how great the 16 days free from PMO felt, and before you know it with vigilance, prayer, and good strategy you will be going right by 16 days and then 66 days quickly free from PMO. Take it one day at a time and don't beat yourself up for falling.  Look at this as being a video game like Super Mario Bros, every time you fall you learn where you made a mistake and you adjust your strategy and mindset so you won't fall to that trigger or pitfall again.  Eventually you'll win the game and be PMO free for the rest of your life.

Don't give up, you'll eventually beat PMO once and for all.  And don't forget to ask God for his help, I wouldn't have made it through 110 days without His help and grace.  I'll pray for you...  Keep up the fight, you're doing well!
 

santiagods

New Member
Thank you big mog for your experience, I am new, Santi from Argentina.
Reading you people is really spiritual. I also make a strict rutine in my daily activities, includind meditation and physical excercise, that really helps.
I d like to share that all adiction has something depper inside all of us, is not just an bad habbit, it has a link with our hidden emotions, with our self esteem.
Good life , We are Brave!!
 

BigMog

Active Member
Hi Santi, Hi Rex,

Many thanks for your kind words of encouragement. I really appreciate them and it's great to know there are guys out there cheering for me. In the real world, for me, it's impossible to find appropriate people to discuss this with, so being able to journal on this forum and get some feedback is a great relief.

Santi-welcome to Reboot nation! I take your point about self esteem and emotions. I think if we are in a "bad place" psychologically it will make us more susceptible to PMO or other addictions.

Rex-yes I'm determined to be back on the wagon. I like the video game comparison; sometimes in video games (I'm more familiar with the obstacle course on WII fit than Super Mario) it takes a few attempts to work out how to get past the same pitfall and I think it can be the same in the reboot!

Let's keep trekking!
 

santiagods

New Member
BigMog said:
Hi Santi, Hi Rex,

Many thanks for your kind words of encouragement. I really appreciate them and it's great to know there are guys out there cheering for me. In the real world, for me, it's impossible to find appropriate people to discuss this with, so being able to journal on this forum and get some feedback is a great relief.

Santi-welcome to Reboot nation! I take your point about self esteem and emotions. I think if we are in a "bad place" psychologically it will make us more susceptible to PMO or other addictions.

Rex-yes I'm determined to be back on the wagon. I like the video game comparison; sometimes in video games (I'm more familiar with the obstacle course on WII fit than Super Mario) it takes a few attempts to work out how to get past the same pitfall and I think it can be the same in the reboot!

Let's keep trekking!


Hello Big Mog !
Thank you for your answer, I absotutely agree with you , it is so important to talk to people that understands what we are goig through.
We are here in a good path, we need to persevere, and success will come more sooner than later.
Let's keep in touch!!  Good life!
 

BigMog

Active Member
Monday: back at work. The day went OK and I made some progress on the projects I?m involved with. Feeling rather jaded now. Just once or twice, I experienced slight flash-backs and my mind beginning to wander vaguely into the idea of thinking about accessing porn but I noted it and was easily able to just move on.

I want to make the most of each day, rather than waiting for them to pass until I build up a streak.

Keep up the good fight everybody.

1 Day Clean
 
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