Not starting from scratch

Hi everyone! I'm 28 and I'm new to this site, but I am also a past member of the rebalanced site. You can find my "success story" here: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=6895.msg108745#msg108745 . I am happy there is a new site with stricter and, IMO, more productive guidelines. Anyways, having been relieved from the severe pain I had experienced before I entered SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) and finding the wonderful site YBOP, I became increasingly complacent to the point where I once again fell into the "take-a-peek, feel guilty, 'repent,' repeat" phase. I once again tried to create my own program and got away from what had gotten me there. This continued for about 6 months before i finally ejaculated from just watching porn without touching myself. Then it has been a couple of months of "white-knuckling" followed by watching porn and masturbating a couple of times. I also went back to reading some incestual explicit erotica without ejaculating, but with very damaging mental and emotional results. In December I was also lured into a limo while black-out-drunk where the driver attempted to sexually assault me. This me a great deal of fear, brought up pat sexual traumas, and renewed my anxiety while attempting to engage in intercourse with my past SO. I have been going to therapy and have been in an on-going investigation to apprehend the individuals who did this. The result is my erection and confidence gradually decreased with anxiety, shame, low self-worth and self-doubt replacing them. Well it is all for the good, as I have decided to get back on the horse and re-commit myself to my SA program and the YBOP mentality, with my faith being the foundation to my day-to-day life. I will do my best to come on here and journal for my benefit (and anyone else who can perhaps get anything out of this)

11-Mar-2014

Today I have 15 days since I masturbated in my bed to a fantasy with a friend's sister that I am not really sexually attracted to. I have been working step 4 from my program. This means I am facing my fears, resentments, and past sexual experiences. This is scary, but I know it is helping me and will continue to help me for the rest of my life. I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety for a while now. I forget how it feels to feel great and porn-free. A friend in my fellowship told me to how he can tell a big difference now from where I was before. He reflected something to me that I had told him when he first entered the program: "be like the New England Patriots. They never get too low when they lose and they never get too high when they win; they just stay even-keeled and do what needs to be done now."

Also, I am grateful for this new experience, because I know I'm exactly where I need to be. I know I'm definitely not starting from scratch, no matter how many times my addicted brain wants to tell me I am. I was lusting a lot yesterday as the build up in the morning has continued. I texted that girl that I fantasized about yesterday. We talked and she wants to meet up. I am scared, but more so I feel guilty. By looking at my past sexual experiences, I realized that I often engaged in sexual relationships that I am either not proud of or have had to keep a secret. This one now seems to be the same thing. Yet, my behaviors continue to show that knowing doesn't mean I'm going to act on what I know I should or shouldn't do. I feel bad sounding so negative, but I am just being honest and getting it out there.

I also feel like I entered a flat-line today. I knew it was coming and it had been going in that direction for a few days, but I was still resisting. Flat-lining is GOOD and part of the whole process, but I still didn't want to go through it. I feel anxious and my penis has that lifeless, cold feeling. After my 120 day reboot, I felt back to normal after only 40 days when I momentarily went "back out there." I am hopeful to my Higher Power that this one will be even shorter. Really, I should be taking it one day at a time and be happy and grateful for whatever comes my way. Also, today I was on IG and once again caught myself scrolling through the pics of a less than savory account. This is not conducive to my recovery, yet my hypofrontality keeps me taking me down that path. It usually tarts by "innocently" scrolling through my feed, until I see a triggering pic or comment. I then go through that person's profile which almost invariably leads to going farther in. Sometimes I look for a semi-provocative hashtag, which leads me to pictures with more explicit hashtags, which leads to over-stimulation, burn-out and guilt. 

As I can see, my thoughts are all over the place. I know that all this too will improve as my brain is seeking equilibrium and my physiology is going through withdrawal symptoms I've already experienced and gotten through it in the past.

Here's to another day of sobriety. Thanks for letting me be honest and get everything out there. 

Gratefully,
humbled_eved

Welcome humbled_eved! Glad you are here and thanks for sharing! Powerful stuff there for sure.

I have decided to get back on the horse and re-commit myself to my SA program and the YBOP mentality, with my faith being the foundation to my day-to-day life.

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This is great and I can really relate to making faith the foundation. You might check out my most recent post about how our beliefs affect our actions, http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=17.0.

I have been working step 4 from my program. This means I am facing my fears, resentments, and past sexual experiences. This is scary,

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This is scary! No doubt. It's not easy doing the hard things but they are the right thing to do. Here's a great quote by Jim Rohn- "We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment."

Continue to put in the good work and you will get good results over time. Unfortunately it can be a lot like working out and you can lose it in a blink of an eye but consistency is key.

Also, today I was on IG and once again caught myself scrolling through the pics of a less than savory account.

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I used to do this too but took an extreme measure and quit social media altogether. I'm not saying to do that but I am saying to know your triggers. If you don't want to drink then don't go to the party. Be aware of what triggers you and sends your brain down that path otherwise you're setting yourself up for it.

As I can see, my thoughts are all over the place.

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Whose aren't, honestly? I enjoyed reading it, rambling or not, it was encouraging.

You definitely seem to be headed in the right direction. Press on. Look forward to hearing more!

14-Mar-2014

B"H I am on day 18 of this journey. One day at a time. I'm just grateful to be here and that this is my struggle in life. I know so many ppl r suffering and this is what I am focusing on? That's a great gift. I went to the doctor today to get some anxiety medicine. I asked him about viagra, but he thought we should see how this works when it comes down to getting intimate. It's the times when I'm not using porn that my anxiety boils over and I realize just how much I use porn to deal with the things I don't want to face. Not only that, but this is just part of the process of rebooting. Thank G-d I already have a good frame of reference. I just don't want to have to do this again.

This time last year I was gaining so much confidence in my erections. It's amazing how many parallels there have been this reboot as one I did 18 months ago. There was of course the huge wave of anxiety. The questioning, the doubt, the fantasizing. This time, I have much less doubt. It's going to work. The only problem is being patient while I go through the ups and downs. Also, making the same mistake of falling into the illusions of my own fantasies. Where have my stupid fantasies gotten me before? It's never been like it is in my head. I just end up ruining something, or having to keep secrets. I would def feel guilty about myself after. I've been thinking about meeting and hooking up with NEW girls again. Not the same rehashes or fantasies. I've been in this long term relationship for so long now. We were together for 4 years and now we've been broken up for 3 or 4 years and we still hang out all the time. It was fine when she was living up north, bc I could reboot, without much pressure and when I did see her, I could anticipate we would probably be having sex (or trying to). Now, she lives back home, we see each other a lot and we don't really hook up.

As I write this, I realize how selfish and ungrateful I am being. For me, I sometimes make relationships w/ girls about what I can get out of it. This girl is amazing and has helped me so much in my life. She's put up with my shit for so long and now that I feel I can;t get what I want when I want, it's time to cut her out. Today we just cuddled and I got to be super grateful for that. It's so nice just to have a beautiful girl who wants to spend time with me and cuddle with me. Who cares that we're not trying to have sex. It's for sure for the best and it's exactly what I need right now. My impatience and lust try to make me feel otherwise.

To be honest, I'm not ready to go out there and test the waters yet. My erections and emotional moods are too unpredictable right now. My brain and body are trying to find equilibrium. That can all change at any moment, but that's how I feel today. I have to give it time. I just get so impatient and w/o porn I notice and connect so much more with girls. Yesterday at work, this gorgeous girl came in. I made her laugh and noticed her flirting with me. We totally connected and I wanted to get her #. For some reason I didn't and I felt like I missed an opportunity. I found myself hoping she would come in next week. Then I thought that she had called to place an order and I could get her # off the caller ID and text her saying "I never do this but blah blah blah." Then I thought it may come off as creepy, then I thought it would show I had the balls to go for it. This is my brain. This is my brain on porn. This is my brain getting off of porn. Ugh .

In the end of the day, I gotta say I got it pretty good. I don't deserve a single thing. That's the truth. I'm grateful to be me and to be dealing with my "problems." I'm grateful in advance for all of the success I will experience, in this reboot and otherwise. I'm grateful for the program (SA), the support I have from friends, family and complete strangers. I'm grateful to be living in these times with all of this great technology and resources we have at our fingertips. I'm grateful to have a bed and room and food and clothes and a car. I'm grateful I have a new job I start on Monday and that I have two jobs right now and that I still feel all over the place with my goals and career. I know there is a lot ahead of me and I'm grateful for all the great gifts I have yet to receive. I'm grateful that I have started to pay off my student debt. I'm grateful I was able to pay back the gym I wed money too and be up to date and fell good about going to the gym again. People have began to notice improvements in my physique. I'm grateful that I feel great right now and that I probably won't feel so great sometime too and that's ok and expected. I pray that I should fulfill my life mission while somehow being of service to others along the way. I pray that I should be able to get closer to The Source, The Infinite One, The Merciful, Loving One and that I should be given the gift of getting close to the true great sages who reflect this Source in this generation and every generation, and especially the great sage Nachman of Breslev. I pray that we can all support each other and grow stronger off of each others' strength. Have a good one kiddies. Stay strong and motivated out there. 

You have a great attitude and outlook on your situation! Continue to be and think positive. One day at a time for sure!

The only problem is being patient while I go through the ups and downs.

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This is key. Patience is hard but we don't truly learn patience until it is tested. Otherwise we don't have to be patient if we don't have to wait on something, if that makes sense.

It's amazing how many parallels there have been this reboot as one I did 18 months ago.

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Glad to hear your confidence is going good as you have experienced it before and there are many parallels which is proof that staying away from PMOing is a healthy thing.

It is nice to just cuddle with a girl and be able to just do life together. Sometimes as guys we are so selfish in thinking what we want all the time and not taking a step back to see all the little things going that truly matter in the long run. This is a good perspective to have. Women deserve to be treated better than just pieces of meat or objects of our fantasies.

My erections and emotional moods are too unpredictable right now.

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Continue to give it time with real girls. I know this is tough but it's for the best ultimately. No need in stressing yourself out over a girl you barely know right now. Try to be content in all things you listed and know that you will find a girl soon enough. Healing right now is the most important thing.

Tues 18-Mar-2014

Today has been a great day B"H!! I am 22 days into this current journey. I am also somewhere in the midst of a flatline. It's always such a weird feeling. I woke up with no morning wood and my D is just chillin at the moment. No life in it. Still, it's weird because I feel like I should be horny, but really I feel nothing. My SO was showing me her chest yesterday and laying on me and while I "wanted her" and felt aroused, my body was in no way aroused. I'm cool with it all as I know my brain is regaining sensitivity. Just all part of the process. I'm grateful though that I have a chance to get a break from sexuality. I am working out a lot as I got my gym membership back. I'm also davening (praying) a lot along with my meditation and personal prayer. Also my studying is picking up. I worked on the 4th step a little bit today and even started the fourth column ("what have I done...") for my "fear" worksheets. Today I also started at the new gig and was the first one in the office to have a sale B"H!! I am so much more productive when I'm free from PMO and working my program. G-d just seems to make things easier for me. I don't have to push so much. I'm so grateful to be recommitted and back on the right track. B"H for today, for everything that has ever happened to bring me to this point and everything that will ever happen. I am grateful for everything I've ever received and any prayer or intention that has ever been fulfilled. I am also grateful in advance for all of the great gifts I have yet to receive. I know I'm right where I'm supposed to be RIGHT NOW!!

Congrats on 22 days!

Flatlining is common when recovering so don't freak out but doesn't sound like you have a good handle of what's going on. Hooray for your brain sensitivity! I know one thing that is really good too for recovering brain sensitivity is fasting. Might try it ever so often.

Working out is a great thing to do and fill your time with. Sounds like you have a lot to keep you busy which is a good thing. Continue in your steps program and your mindset of gratefulness, not taking this journey lightly. Getting over-confident can deceive us into letting down our guard so a humble mindset is a very good thing! Keep it up!

rainforth13 said:

I know one thing that is really good too for recovering brain sensitivity is fasting. Might try it ever so often.

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Thanks for the suggestion Rain. Can you expand on the types of fasts that are most beneficial? That is, do you fast all day, how often, can you have water, etc?

Wednesday 19-Mar-2014

B"H I am still going strong on day 23. I drank a little w/ my friends last night and my head has been feeling it today. It's just another reminder that there's probably something better I can be doing for myself. I don't drink often, but me and alcohol just don't get along too great. Anyways, no MW this morning when I first woke up,  but one suddenly appeared and stayed as I was getting up out of bed. Throughout the day, it's had the expected FL deflation. I'm looking forward to the part where I'm coming out of the FL and my D is feeling heavier, fuller, bigger and healthier looking. I went to the gym today and was going to lift, but decided to do some yoga instead. It didn't hurt that I saw a cute girl walking in there as I was deciding what to do. It was really good. I practiced my breathing while being present and letting go. The stretching itself felt great too. I gotta admit though, it was hard at times to keep my eyes off of the cute girl in the class. She was posted up behind me and I could easily see her in the mirror, but I maintained focus on myself. I'm so grateful to my Higher Power that I have the ability to go to the gym and work out and do yoga. I've been doing it for a bunch of years now and it feels good to be comfortable doing even the trickier poses. After the session, the cute girl hurried out after thanking the instructor. I figured that was that, but then I went to fill up my water bottle and had the good fortune to start walking just as girl was leaving the women's locker room. I asked her about yoga and we chatted for a few minutes. She was very flirty and receptive. I could tell I could probably go for the digits if I wanted but once again didn't follow through on that. She said she hoped she sees me again sometime and we left it at that. I don't say these things to brag, so to note to myself how I don;t have to doubt or over-think things. I can tell the difference so much from when I'm using porn to when I'm rebooted/rebooting. Conversation and approaching are just so much more natural. My relationships in general are just so much better. I'm grateful for today. Now off to work.

The main man on this site Gabe Deem has been doing intermittent fasting for quite some time and swears by it. Here's what I know in basic terms:

Intermittent fasting ? which is restricting your food intake to a certain time of day (only eating for a couple hours of day like 12pm-8pm) ? has been shown to increase your D2 receptors which correlates with increasing motivation and concentration. Your D2 receptors are a dopamine receptor which receives and recognizes dopamine. Dopamine is what shoots of to get us excited and our brain anticipates reward. This results in more sensitivity to pleasure with real women.

Here's a study:
http://www.bnl.gov/thanoslab/Thanos%20PDF/ZuckerD2_2007.pdf

Fasting in general is healthy though IMO. Even if that means doing one meal a week. Take the time you would be normally using for eating, empty your thoughts and then fill your thoughts with God (a higher power).

Glad to hear your approaching women is more natural. There is definitely a difference when rebooting and not! Keep it up!

rainforth13 said:

The main man on this site Gabe Deem has been doing intermittent fasting for quite some time and swears by it. Here's what I know in basic terms:

Intermittent fasting ? which is restricting your food intake to a certain time of day (only eating for a couple hours of day like 12pm-8pm) ? has been shown to increase your D2 receptors which correlates with increasing motivation and concentration. Your D2 receptors are a dopamine receptor which receives and recognizes dopamine. Dopamine is what shoots of to get us excited and our brain anticipates reward. This results in more sensitivity to pleasure with real women.

Here's a study:
http://www.bnl.gov/thanoslab/Thanos%20PDF/ZuckerD2_2007.pdf

Fasting in general is healthy though IMO. Even if that means doing one meal a week. Take the time you would be normally using for eating, empty your thoughts and then fill your thoughts with God (a higher power).

Glad to hear your approaching women is more natural. There is definitely a difference when rebooting and not! Keep it up!

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I can only support IF. Give it a try. Only thing I wouldn't say (no offense rainforth; no discussion intended, I respect your view) is that your thoughts are getting filled with god or a higher power. What it's actually doing is to activate your natural instincts to survive, which then make you clearer (my observations and view - if you like, call it a higher power..).

None taken at all Robust. I agree that it activates natural instincts and makes you clearer.

I think you may have misunderstood my suggestion though. I never said that one's thoughts are getting filled or become filled with a higher power. I just said he should fill them with that. He has to think those thoughts on his own though after his mind is emptied. Those thoughts don't just come about naturally. I only said it because he has mentioned a higher power in some of his previous posts. Otherwise, I wouldn't just say that to someone out of nowhere.

Sorry if I'm being too detailed but just wanted to be clear as your response differed from what I suggested. No harm intended. Again, I don't want to force spirituality on anyone, he has simply posted about it before. I appreciate your support of IF.

rainforth13 said:

None taken at all Robust. I agree that it activates natural instincts and makes you clearer.

I think you may have misunderstood my suggestion though. I never said that one's thoughts are getting filled or become filled with a higher power. I just said he should fill them with that. He has to think those thoughts on his own though after his mind is emptied. Those thoughts don't just come about naturally. I only said it because he has mentioned a higher power in some of his previous posts. Otherwise, I wouldn't just say that to someone out of nowhere.

Sorry if I'm being too detailed but just wanted to be clear as your response differed from what I suggested. No harm intended. Again, I don't want to force spirituality on anyone, he has simply posted about it before. I appreciate your support of IF.

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My mistake, I didn't read as carefully as I should have. Yeah, of course it's right to do as you suggest.

Sorry.

All good. Big fan of you!

Fri 28-Mar-2014

Just got a minute so I'll be quick. This has been an amazing week. It was my second week t my new job, I was really busy doing other stuff as well (set of gmw) and I went to the gym 5 times. I'm feeling so great and so grateful. I'm not really in a flatline; I'm more in a "lowline." I started getting morning wood again last sat morning. Nothing sun, but it came back mon and got one I think everyday this week. They weren't the strongest erections I've ever have, but they were nothing to shake a stick at either (no pun intended). I'm not feeling so a-sexual anymore, but I'm not really ready to jump in there quite yet. 

Anyways, gotta run. B"H!!

Monday, day 63.

B"H I am 63 days clean from porn and masturbation. I have been LIVING so much! In that time I have gotten a new job, started working out 4-6 days a week, had more time for learning, been more confident, continued working on my 4th step (which deals with fears, resentments, and past sexual history), met new people, reconnected with old friends and been so happy and grateful. I am so grateful. I have had 2 other reboots and another run of "technical sobriety" in sa where I was sneaking porn but not masturbating. This one has been the most natural and easy process. I have just been busy, but been active in my recovery as well. I have gone through probably 2 or 3 flatlines. Right now I'm at the point where I'm feeling more sexual again, but I'm taking it slow. For the first time, it is apparent that a sexual relationship with my ex is not an option for either of us, so it is allowing me to stay focused on the ultimate goal of a lifetime of freedom of porn and masturbation instead of just trying to recover from ed to perform. My anxiety is almost non-existent and when it does arise I use it as a sign to take action instead of trying to cope in unhealthy ways. I'm grateful for today and this great gift of being an addict who is at the point I'm at today at 28 years old. I am a nothing, I don't deserve a thing and everything is a great gift, yet I have to do my part to work hard and make sure I am the best me I can be. 

Thursday Day 74

B"H, I am sober and free from PM!! I had an orgasm a few days ago (day 69?) with MS and it was good. She slept over, we cuddled and both woke up a little frisky so to speak. Don't need to go into detail, but I woke up with an erection and she helped me finish. Then I helped her finish. I had a little bit a what seemed like a flatline for a few days after. That seems to be gone now and I'm excited to see what's next. I feel great!! I've been working out consistently and for the first time in a decade, I'm focusing on cardio and weight loss. I got let go from my job (well I wouldn't say let go; they were shady, used the employees and got rid of all of us without giving us what they promised. Oh well all is good and from hashem yisborach!!) I am grateful for that. I have been looking for work and I contacted an old coach who owns a nice company. We went back and forth a few days and he said he would love to have me on the team!! Wooohooo. I have been looking for a place where I can grow with a mentor I can look up to and emulate. I am a little anxious and frightened about the future, but this is just my imaginations. I am SOOOO grateful for where I am RIGHT NOW!!! Today was a little bit rough as I started off without davening, "waking up late," and being easily agitated. I felt better after the gym, but I felt even better once I ate a meal and took my medicine. Since then I have been productive and dealing with things I would generally put off (ie: student loans, med insurance, job search, step 4, calling SA fellows, journaling, etc.). I hope to be with this company for a long time and grow and move out and still be able to have time for all the things that have gotten me to this point. I am so happy and proud and grateful. I am nowhere near where I was 74 days ago, let alone a year ago or two years ago. There is progress in this thing and in life and I accept whatever life has to offer me today on life's terms. Here's to another day of sobriety! Thank You!!!!!